To think I am being a really shit parent

[Curiousaboutchoices]

Ok so it’s the holidays which makes things worse, during term time I manage to hold my shit together pretty well. Background, I am pretty sure I’m perimenopausal and having regular bloody tests as need to take HRT for other medical reasons when the time comes. Also as background my husband does a very high pressure job which comes with very acute waves of travel and long hours. He’s in one now and has been for several months, is literally never here so the kids are mine full time apart from holiday club when I work. I’m at the tail end of a period and feel bloated, sad, low, hormonal, shit really.

Two kids 6 and 8. Such good kids in most ways and we are very lucky. My eldest though is away wit the fairies and struggles staying on message for everyday tasks like getting ready. She is fine academically staying on task at school - think it’s a bit like her dad that she’s very bright but has zero common sense, so I am trying to teach her that self care and motivation for both of our benefits. School /work mornings and shower/bedtime are pinch points because they have Time constraints that mean I get cross if things don’t get done. Because I’m on my own, I’m often trying to fit in other jobs like washing up, putting washing on or out, making dinner etc while they are doing their teeth, brushing hair, getting dressed etc. My six year old can get ready pretty much unaided but the 8 year old wonders around like there’s no rush st all and it drives me wild.

I started her a tick list a week or two ago to help her stay on message, this literally lists the jobs like getting dressed, doing teeth etc so I don’t have to constantly remind her. It was on the wall but she’d get distracted coming back to it to bloody tick the jobs. I took it off the wall today and she went and blue tacked it back on immmeduatley (that’s the no common sense or not thinking coming into play there) so I told her to take it with her and tick it off as she went. I then found her 10mins later wandering about and she said she’d done everything, we were standing in her room which had the curtains shut and her bed unmade (one of the jobs) so I knew that was rubbish. I looked at sheet and it wasn’t ticked so she was just in her own world again. I shouted at that point, which I take as a fail for mum. I hate shouting, it doesn’t work for either of my girls for different reasons, but I just saw red.

To top that she’s also quite random and we are trying to help her not come out with random comments - I say we all have random thoughts (ooh that man’s wearing a funny hat or what am I going to have for tea tonight, but we don’t say them in the middle of a different conversation because it sounds weird and like we aren’t listening to the other person). We were talking about something that she had brought up in the car and after I’d said something she said ‘that’s the 7th interesting thing you’ve said this morning mum’ - 1. Weird as I’m pretty sure she doesnt Count up in quite that way, 2.it sounds quite rude as if everything else I say is boring and 3. It shows she wasn’t actually listening to the conversation she had raised herself. I was by the point at the end of my patience so i did say that it was an odd comment and sounded weird and she needed to keep those thoughts in her head or people would think she was weird. Usually I temper those thoughts and don’t say them that bluntly, make it more gentle, but I’d had enough this morning. So I’ve left my daughter thinking that either her mum thinks she’s weird or thinking she is actually weird. She can be very different for sure, but usually we try to validate her differences and teach her coping strategies whereas this morning I just shot her down. I feel utterly utterly shit.

Please help. How do I keep my shit together? Is this normal 8 year old behaviour? Are my standards just far too High?

I agree with removing some tasks. I think it’s overloading her. And I will try to be a gentle guide instead of a screeching banshee. And I’ll do some reading too and see what I think. I don’t want to medicalise anything unnecessarily but also not going to rule out anything that might be relevant or help. She doesn’t need a diagnosis for some of those coping strategies or parenting techniques to be helpful.

As others have said, drop your expectations wayyyy down. And don’t call her weird. My mum used that word to me a lot and it still makes me cringe even to read it.

Just another person echoing how similar she sounds to me and I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.
I had a mother who took care of everything at home and went to really strict, organised schools. That combined with a really high IQ meant I didn't struggle until I went to uni - i still got firsts but it was nowhere near my potential and incredibly frustrating. For me ADHD had a huge impact on my self esteem and gave me severe anxiety.
A diagnosis has really helped me accept my 'personality' and my flaws.
My eldest is very similar to me and at almost 7 we still do most things for her as it's just easier - and even knowing that she is the same as me I still get frustrated with her at times so don't be hard on yourself about that.
Accept her abilities based on her rather than her age etc. And do look into assessment. There's a great YouTube channel called How to ADHD.

I think kicking off at being told you said 7 interesting things that day is a bit mean. I would consider that a compliment. And I’m not 8!

Yes, she does sound spectrummy, but you sound highly strung. It can be a bad combination. You don’t want to make yourself unapproachable. And it’s not your fault, it’s how you are, just the same as it’s not her fault. But you’re the adult so you’re the only one that can do anything IYSWIM.

It didn't teach him anything other than sometimes mothers go mental, but it taught me that my reactions are NOT always reasonable and sometimes I have to wind my neck in because I'm just being a twat.

I relate to this so much I don't know whether to laugh or cry

I second watching the How to ADHD vids

If she is truly unusually disorganised, her teacher will have noticed. Not always. Girls are good at masking because they follow social cues of their female peers. That's why girls take longer to get dx.

@christmastreewithhairyfairy, Our doc considered ASD for DD but discounted it, without really explaining why Too much of the diagnostic criteria is still geared towards boys. Many GPs will use what they know about boys on the spectrum and apply it to girls when considering a referral. Hence why girls get dismissed/wrongly dx with adhd. You need to see a paed who knows what autism in girls looks like.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN It's not medicalising it at all. Op is describing much more than a little bit of day dreaming.

Curiousaboutchoices You just described my daughter at school, right down to the messy writing. Once I get her in class, that is (part of her anxiety is to do with separation) Her latest parents evening, she has a glowing report! It's all the other stuff you say that are markers for me. Honestly, please consider it at least. Dd was coasting along beautifully until 2016 when her life became stressful at school and all this came to a head. In girls, it often takes a crisis of some sort before it all becomes apparent.

if you say coat shoes bag, she can’t cope Again, too much to process.
We have to say
"put your shoes on" ... wait, remind, she puts her shoes on.

"get your coat" ... wait, remind, she gets her coat
"cuddly (toy) for school" ... wait, remind, she gets her cuddly

and so it goes...because she can't process more than one thing at a time (again, a symptom of ASD, not being to process multiple commands)

@colditz - agree re stress at schoo., I watched this exact thing happen with my friend's dd. She is 14 now, and rarely attends school as she can't cope due to late dx at 12, because she masked so well (mainly because she copied my eldest daughter, her bestie)

I have a similar sounding ds and I also don't deal well with it from a parenting perspective. Luckily, I have a very involved dh who provides the soft side for the dc and steps in when I'm in danger of going postal. I'm not proud of it.

Can your dh do anything about his hours? Leaving so much of the parenting to one person is not fair or realistic. It takes a village and all that.

I'd recommend reading The Whole Brain Child by seigel. From what you've said your dd definitely sounds like she has executive functioning issues and possibly dyspraxia. But I feel similarly with ds that dx isn't necessarily going to make much difference. And without school having issues it will be very hard to get a dx.

Being less hard on myself as a parent is helping as then I can be more engaged and less eaten up by guilt/self loathing.

Here's my confession...

Before dd dx was made, we had 6 months of her shedding clothing day in day out.

Socks - they had thorns in them (they didn't).
Shoes - made of concrete (they weren't)
Hoods - hurt her back
Zips - scratched her (through clothing)

The list endless as to what she now cannot wear. Actually, she lives in leggings and t shirts (even for school, and different ones for bed) because it is largely all she can tolerate. I have flashback of screaming at her to "put her fucking socks on, because how can socks hurt you"
Now I know. Looking back, she has ALWAYS struggled with fabrics, but only until school became stressful (at the same time as I started work) did it really start to fall apart.

Thanks different. We have seen a proper paed (as in it wasn't just a GP who discounted ASD), however his speciality is ADHD so he may not be as good at recognising ASD in girls. I will certainly ask when we next see CAMHS

That should be 16 months of shedding clothing

Thanks again for all the posts. I am taking on board all the cmoments, and would reiterate that I wil never use the weird word again. I cringed writing it so it’s consigned to the history bag. She is unusual, but lots of interesting people are.

Her dad is similar I think, loses things constantly, a big thinker, creative, gentle, wonderful. The kindest and most forgiving person I know and my daughter has Some of those qualities in spades. Thing is I can ignore if he takes 3 hours to come to bed (yes that genuinely happens, not sure what he’s doing, staring at walls and mentally planting flower seeds probably) or if he has lost his phone for the 66th time that week. I can’t ignore my child as it’s my responsibility to get her up and out.

I like the advice of the person who suggested a less miiltary morning, it feels military. Home shouldn’t be military.

Genuine questions:

Re doing things for her, I usd to our her clothes out until one day I forgot pants and she didn’t wear anyb(you didn’t put them out though mum) so I felt i was deskilling her. I want to prepare her for being more independent though, should i just do it with her or be in the room until she’s able to do it alone?

And re articulating vthe random thoughts, genuinely, how do I deal with this sensitively and constructively? Sounds like people say I should guide, but how?

And I’m PMSL about the sock story, we have many many mornings like the sock story!!! I feel you sock woman.

Ah yes. It's known as sock-gate in our household. Collars and hoods also cause issues. Do you know how hard it is to find zip up tops without hoods?!

@christmastreewithhairyfairy. I would suggest googling symptoms in girls, and seeing what stands out for you wrt your daughter.

I had an in school psychologist tell me my daughter wasn't autistic, and she then admitted she didn't know much about autism! She is clueless. less than 6 mths later my dd is dx!

So, re diagnosis, she’s fine at school. VERY messy writing (she can be neat when she wants but can’t be arsed), incredible imagination, fed mature reader and writer, and does stay on task at school. There are social and friendship issues but again not so dramatic as to identify her as needing help. There are many children in her class with diagnosed and undiagnosed additional needs, so she us much more ablek to cope than some. She finds school interesting, so is engaged. So far. She does not find teeth brush in any way interesting, so flutters away in her mind.

You've completely described me as a child. I think a diagnosis would have helped me immensely as a child, at least in understanding why I am the way I am and that the way I am is ok.

If she is ADHD she'll find things harder as she gets older, possibly not academically, I've done very well academically because I do very well with strict deadlines, but socially she may suffer.

I put my DD's clothes on the radiator for the next day, so she just empties the radiator when getting dressed. Having said that, we have just started getting her clothes ready (she's 7 and v like me, not diagnosed tho) so I ask her what she wants to wear, she puts them on the radiator, then I remind her about pants or whatever if I notice they're missing.

Would that work for you? That way you're not deskilling her, she is making choices and you can help out if needed.

Oh and re the random thoughts... does it actually matter? Fair enough if she says something hurtful like wow, that guy is fat. But otherwise? What are you worried about?

I don't think you can deskill her if it's not a skill she ever had. You may need to teach her specifically that every day we wear certain items, that we vary these according to the weather and occasion etc.

My son is like this op and he could be on the spectrum. He's 11 and we won't know for some time if he is or not. He is often in a world of his own and comes out with random facts or things hes seen or heard.

I usd to our her clothes out until one day I forgot pants and she didn’t wear anyb(you didn’t put them out though mum) so I felt i was deskilling her. I want to prepare her for being more independent though, should i just do it with her or be in the room until she’s able to do it alone? Continue getting them out for now. At the weekend (or at a relaxed time encourage her gently (with your help) to get her clothes out. Have a list for her follow if you think that helps (pictures are good) Then build it up until she does it without your help (but with prompting) then finally she will do it herself.

As I said, it took us 10 weeks to get dd to the point where she empties her school bag after school, so it's a slow process.

And re articulating vthe random thoughts, genuinely, how do I deal with this sensitively and constructively? Sounds like people say I should guide, but how? I would say something like "that's a great observation/that's interesting, but people can get upset if you say that to them. Sometimes we have to think things, and not say things" also, just be prepared to apologize and explain. Because it will happen! And she will go backwards too... sorry.

And the veering off track in conversation ... we leave it for now. Because you will not be able to change everything at once. Tackle the important stuff first, and once that is perfected, choose something else. Now we have the unpacking of the school bag done, we have started on the packing of the lunch box and bag. Slow steps.

Your DD sounds like my DS and my DH - dreamy, impractical, clever. They're both on the autistic spectrum.

Hi. I think you need to separate your problems from hers. Reading through your replies, there is a degree of your stress muddled up with her wonderful weirdness. She is 8, so she should have a level of understanding, so you can talk to her (not in the morning!) about the importance of routines. Definitely prioritise the important stuff (to her and to her day, not to you). She likes the ticklist - so get her some clipboards. One for the morning basics, one for getting her clothes together for the morning, etc. Always apologise when you lose you shit. Help her to understand that weird can be a great thing, like many of the posters on here, I learnt to embrace mine!

thanks different. Done some googling and there are huge overlaps between asd and adhd so very hard to tell.

As well as ADHD DD has also been diagnosed with social communication disorder (may be relevant for your dd too OP?) which from my understanding is sort of part of autism, but not all of it.

She doesn't have some of the ASD elements, e.g. doesn't get upset at routine changes.

We haven't actually got the report yet though (thanks CAMHS) so no idea what that means for treatment.

I feel your pain. Half of it is irritation at the irritating behaviour but half of it is the worry. One worries that they will never griw out of it, that it will screw up their lives etc. If it was just the annoying thing gs they do you could overlook it and just deal with it in the calm manner one would expect from a reasonable adult. But the anxiety about how their odd behaviour will impact them long term makes these little things unbearable. I find myself in a very similar position to you. I know this is bad and I will start by saying that I normally don't drink and only ever drink in moderation. Say half a glass of wine every two months. But once when I had had a drink and then spent time with my children I found that it actually really helped. Something about being a little bit more relaxed and a little bit dumbed down (I don't typically drink because my mental capacity instantly deteriorates) really helped.i found that spending time with them was actually enjoyable for once. Obviously I'm not suggesting you take up drinking but maybe try to empty your mind a bit. I fir one have been trying very hard to approach life with children like an idiot since the experience I've detailed above and things have really improved. We are all much happier. They are happier because I am more engaged (it doesn't take much intellect to engage with preschoolers) and I am less worried. Ultimately I think you have to realise that there are a lot of weird or slow people out there and most of them are fine and happy. Obviously someone a little bit more on ball might be dissatisfied with that kind of life but most people falling into the kitchen D of life that suits them and won't notice any problems unless they are pointed out.

Ass - if I’m honest I inwardly cringe when she comes out with random thoughts. It’s relatively rare in public but it’s very unusual and very obvious. It’s often when she feels uncomfortable, like jn unfamiliar company, so it feels worsevas they don’t know her. I also see the way other kids react to it (they pull ‘weird’ faces) and it makes me ache. i want to protect her from that. Maybe i can’t.

My husband Also rightly points out that I’m a big old conformist sheep. He is very happy being different, for me being different presses all my panic buttons. I did throw my toys out this morning after he’d got in at 2am and was out before 8am, I said he needed to cut back as we (particularly She) need him. He’s on notice. He saw the start of this morning but had to slink out. Having lost his bank card . He doesnt want to work these hours but it’s diffivikt to control. He is the primary rather.

If he were around more I would have more reprieve and more patience but she would also have someone around who totally gets her and who is so much more gentle than me. I’m going to push for this but work on me in the meantime.

I like the modelling idea - let’s get your clothes out, what do you need etc. It will take all the patience I own though to remind her yet again that she needs pants.

Wouldn’t the process of dx be alarming for her? Wouldn’t it make her feel different, odd, dare I say it weird? I don’t want her to feel like that, despite this morning’s failings.