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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 04/04/2018 18:58

It sounds like she's been convinced you owe her! Like she's paid out big time and you've forgotten it! How odd!

TidyDancer · 04/04/2018 18:59

Either that or she's thoroughly embarrassed by her assumption that you'd pay and this is an elaborate cover up of that.

Weezol · 04/04/2018 19:07

Send Shifty's text and then block.

I would also be tempted to anonymously post her a pair of dirt cheap door hinges

Iloveacurry · 04/04/2018 19:08

OMG! Really? She’s saying it’s time for you to grow up as you didn’t answer her call? What about her childish attitude in the softplay and not talking to you then? Very mature!

Clutterbugsmum · 04/04/2018 19:11

For whatever reason she has taken a dislike to you. I think her appalling behaviour today was compounded by the fact she tried to 'wendy' you out of your friendship with your other friend and when that did not work she went completely over the top.

As to your reply to her (if you must) I think I would text something along the lines of After today's behaviour I think it best we go our separate ways, please do not contact me again. Then block her on everything including what she has blocked you on.

I wonder if and when your friend meets up with her if she will say something her CF behaviour today and towards you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/04/2018 19:13

how weird,no you dont pay for her unless a birthday

DancesWithOtters · 04/04/2018 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 19:31

ok.. stop saying WE because there is no WE.. she's targeting YOU not your friends... in fact your 'so called' friend is still making arrangements with her.. so you lady are in this alone...

I wouldn't be mixing with either camp.. find new companions.. ones that will actually have you back.... I'd block her after suggesting she seek psychiatric help and you don't mind helping PAY for that Flowers

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 19:42

The arrangements between her and my friend were made before this happened. She suggested that she might cancel but I have said it's up to her. I won't hold it against her. My friends are quite a wide group. In that I have some friends that overlap and some don't. Some know her and others don't. It wouldn't be possible to seperate them into two camps and I'd never make them choose.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 19:55

well.. as long as you're not having to bow down to this looney's delusions Lady... she literally doesn't sound right in the head Flowers

jessebuni · 04/04/2018 20:10

Absolutely bizarre. I have a friend that sometimes pays for things because she invites me (she is very aware that I have significantly less money than her and wouldn’t be able to do these things as often if she didn’t pay) but I try to also pay for her sometimes or do other favours such as babysit for her for free sometimes as her husband works abroad, so it sort of evens out. However we are very close friends and I never expect her to pay for anything nor would she just expect me to repay her in money or with a favour.

This woman sounds totally off of her rocker though! She called you asking to meet up so that sort of negates her point about you inviting her then not paying. Then just staring at you when you tried to make peace and trying to get your other friend to ditch you?! Yup she’s insane! I’ve literally never heard of an adult acting like this. Teenage girls more like but definitely not adults. Then she has the nerve to ask you if it is really going to be like this? Pfft I’d just ignore her from now on.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 20:18

Well how I'm feeling I want to say just f off to her. However she is someone I'm likely to see regularly. I'm thinking of sending a message saying 'As i said before and showed today, I'm happy to forget this and move on. You now know my opinion and i stand by it, you can choose to join meetups or not. See you at xxxxxx.' (There is an already planned birthday party next week both children are invited to)

OP posts:
AllNamesTakenhell · 04/04/2018 20:18

Yeah she is a bullying cunt.

AllNamesTakenhell · 04/04/2018 20:21

Your message sounds better than mine would be op Grin: does grow up translate to be your bitch? Fuck off'

I really would keep a wide berth.

jessebuni · 04/04/2018 20:21

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable reply OP. I understand the burden of wanting to say eff off but having to do the grown up thing and act civil instead.

Thistlebelle · 04/04/2018 20:22

That sounds very restrained OP.

I’d keep interactions as light as possible though personally.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 20:32

That's sent then. I won't be arranging any 1 to 1 meets with her. I just want to smooth things over so we can be amicable in groups.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 20:34

this won't be the end of it.. she wants blood Flowers

Thistlebelle · 04/04/2018 20:36

I would make sure your friend who was there today keeps her ear to the ground.

I’m pretty sure that a different version of this story will start circulating.

CatsCatsCats11 · 04/04/2018 20:48

I'm actually gobsmacked by her entities attitude, such a hard place for you to be OP

scatteredglitter · 04/04/2018 20:51

Don't bite the bait - I had this before , reallt simialr, was gobsmacked and really upset by the insinuations but looking back the friend was a CF who was completely self entitied and self absorbed and a real climber too- using people to get to people dividing the group etc.
I stepped back from mutual meet ups - I couldn't take the verbal digs and sly looks and horrible attitude
I was completely taken aback to be honest, but on the advice of a mutual friend I just stopped engaging and stopped responding. I know she bitched about me in a horrible way even saying I excluded her son and was against her kids - bonkers bonkers bonkers stuff unfounded but salacious to the gossips!
It blew over tho and it s fine now.
I think it was the best thing - she showed her true colours, which in a way saved me investing further friendship which was better spent elsewhere

Museumland · 04/04/2018 20:52

If I invite someone I make it clear and say " I would like you to come along as my guest" and I will pay, but this is for special dinners and treats... You didn't invite her as such but asked you to join her which is quite different. I rather wonder quite seriously if all is well with her as this sounds such an unreasonable expectation, and the fact that she has blocked you hints she may have some issues. I don't know how well you know her but I hope she does apologise to you and this is just a blip in your friendship.

MamosianAntiMatterChopsticks · 04/04/2018 21:11

It sounds like she's been around at the times when you've paid for others (the party, house guest, friends who've forgotten purses etc) and has wrongly come to the conclusion you like paying for people. She's a bit narked because you've paid for all these others, but not her (without appreciating the circumstances you did this in) and felt left out. So she got the hump and couldn't hold her tongue with that first sarcy text . But then she was humiliated when you rightly said you can't pay for her every time you invite her along to a meet up. She's so embarrassed that in haste she's come up with this loony rule that there are hosts and guests, and hosts should always pay for guests (even just to a softplay/coffee shop meet up!). And now she's got herself all twisted up in this battle with her pride that she can't back down.

But I'd say that as she turned up to soft play (even if she didn't sit with you and behaved like a playground brat) and then called you 3 times later in the day, she's actually itching to make up with you. But shes trying to make up by bullying YOU into an apology, and getting you to take the blame, so she doesn't have to admit her mistake and look foolish.

I think trying to 'nick' your mutual neutral friend is also a way of backing you into a corner to force you into making up with her, without her having to apologise.... because she knows you're a mature reasonable adult who won't want to carry on with this petty squabble.

She's got herself into a right mess. She surely has to know that her concocted rules about hosts & guests is ridiculous.

I think staying away from 1-2-1 meet ups with her is wise OP. She doesn't sound mature enough and let's her pride get in the way for a long sustainable friendship to be possible.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 04/04/2018 21:12

She sounds like a cunt and hopefully the third party friend will tell other people about her behaviour.

Mumofkids · 04/04/2018 21:14

I've never expected anyone to pay for anything like this! I get embarrassed if people pay for coffee! There must somehow have been a major misunderstanding as she clearly feels wronged or she's really completely crazy.
I totally understand trying to smooth it over, it's tricky with little ones when you know you will see each other regularly but I don't understand how she can be upset about you not paying entrance fees for her. I'd maybe ask her to explain exactly what she is so upset about.

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