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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
sockunicorn · 04/04/2018 22:05

I’d tell them and let other friend stand up for you and back you up. This woman is only going to spin her side eventually anyway. You have nothing to be hiding OP.

DancesWithOtters · 04/04/2018 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CadyHeron · 04/04/2018 22:06

Gawd, just block the dramatic bint (sorry, but she is.)
If your friends ask why, just look baffled and say "beats me. No idea."Or something.
She's the one who comes out looking unhinged, not you.

MiniCooperLover · 04/04/2018 22:07

Tell them the truth. Don't bad mouth her, keep it basic. They'll be as baffled as you I'd say. She knows she's dug herself into a hole and just can't get out of it.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 04/04/2018 22:07

Tell them Unreasonable. Let them make up their own minds.
Tell them simply without embellishment the background and what happened at the soft play.
Tell them.

ChickenMom · 04/04/2018 22:07

To any other friends who are asking what happened just reply and say “I wish I knew! I’m as confused as you are. We had a disagreement about paying for softplay. She insisted that I should pay for her to get in!!??!! When I said I can’t afford to treat her every time we meet it sort of snowballed from there! I’m sure it will blow over. Anyway how are you? Shall we get together next week? We will all pay for ourselves though eh? ;) :) xxxxx

Yumyumpigs · 04/04/2018 22:08

Actually I would probably give a shortened version as why should anyone think wrong of you?

Only bare facts tho and then draw a line. Otherwise it might look like shit stirring

GreenTulips · 04/04/2018 22:08

I'd tell them - I'm not sure what happened - she rang and I said she could join us and she weirdly expected me to pay her in - but she won't explain further.

She then tried to get X to join her away from me -

Do it! You won't be the first

Eggzandbacon · 04/04/2018 22:10

Yes do! Sounds like she’s building up for some shit stirring.

whiteroseredrose · 04/04/2018 22:11

I'd tell joint friends that you have no idea what the issue is and then explain just like you have on here. I don't get why she wasn't expecting the other friend to pay for her as well as you. Does she not ring and make arrangements with her too?

MiniCooperLover · 04/04/2018 22:12

Definitely get your explanation in first though! She's clearly itching to tell them something and it's always harder to come back from that, despite being in the right.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/04/2018 22:13

Tell them the only people get away with behaving like this is because every one covers up for them.

I'd say something along the lines off.

That you don't understand what happen only that she ask to meet up, you agreed as you were going to X and she got her knickers in a twist because she expected you to pay for her and her dc.

Then to her behaviour was completely weird, she did XYZ and even friend B thought so.

So why you understand that they are friends with her, you are going back away from her for now.

As I said she setting herself up as the victim, and to remove you from your group of friends.

Outlookmainlyfair · 04/04/2018 22:13

Tell them a brief version, she sounds bonkers! It still sounds horrible for you short term.

clairedelalune · 04/04/2018 22:14

OMG please block her. Keep a record of everything in case in the future you need to enlist police support (she sounds batshit dangerous to me). I would be tempted to share her messages with your friends who have asked.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 04/04/2018 22:15

Tell them the truth first. She will drip drip some shit to them which could turn them against you, which is probably her aim at this point.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/04/2018 22:15

So WHILE you understand that they are friends with her, you are going back away from her for now.

Even.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 04/04/2018 22:19

Definitely tell them what happened before she tries to make something up! And I would send what Avasarala put.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 04/04/2018 22:21

Please don't spend any more energy on this woman ! She is treating you appallingly, almost bullying. I wouldn't be having any of it. Surprised your mates are still pussy footing around her. Tell her to fuck off and distance yourself pronto. Life's too short. Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2018 22:22

You need to tell them. At least so they are warned if they ask her if she wants to meet up at soft play they are expected to pay for her company.

But do it nicely so nothing can come back and bite you.

Something like

"I'm a bit confused by what's happened actually, she called me wanting to meet up, so I suggested she join us at soft play if she fancies it as we were going anyway, or we could meet another time. She responded she thinks this means I should pay for her entry etc and is cross I didn't pay for her at soft play last meet up, as she thinks this makes me the host. I don't really understand as we are just a group of mates meeting up and she called me to ask to meet up, so I explained that it's not like a birthday party where I did pay, we don't usually pay for each other on meet ups at soft play and she hung up on me. Happy to move past it, seems like some confusion, but I can't pay for her when we meet up at soft play.x

Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 22:22

I'd share every single CrazyAss message in a group chat with all these 'other' friends...

you have done nothing wrong.. She however is being a cold faced calculating manipulating back stabbing nut case...

she has you nailed.... she knows you won't fight back.. Flowers

ThinkingOfCeline · 04/04/2018 22:22

I'd tell any joint friends if they ask, not least to prevent them from being in a similar situation with her.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 04/04/2018 22:25

You absolutely have to tell them.

or they will get her crazy lady version...

Returnofthesmileybar · 04/04/2018 22:26

Wow she is some piece of work

I would text her back

"Mary you are going to have to explain this to me, you called me and asked to meet up, I said you were welcome to join in with existing plans, then ask am I paying for you and make a dig about me not paying for you last time. Why the hell should I pay for you?? Then you turn up, sit elsewhere, approach x and ask her to join you but say I am not welcome. Now what I have done wrong in this scenario I can't figure out but you either need to tell me straight out stop beating about the bush because I will not accept "on your head" threats when I have done nothing wrong"

She is a lunatic!!

crazycatlady5 · 04/04/2018 22:30

She sounds like an utter ‘ucking ‘unt. Is she crazy? To be honest OP you need to see this for what it is you’re being a bit soft. She’s a lunatic!

honeylulu · 04/04/2018 22:30

Return's message above is good as its truthful/accurate and is an honest attempt to establish the problem.

Plus you will have it as a screenshot to defend yourself if she tells a different batshit version to mutual friends.

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