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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my friend about his fiancee?

92 replies

Kahil · 03/04/2018 11:44

Long story short, I have a very close male friend whom I've known for nearly 20 years. We are both getting married this year and he has asked me to be his best woman and I have asked him to be a witness at mine and 1 of only 4 guests, his fiancee included.
They've been together just under 2 years and I have struck a friendship up with her and I seemingly thought we got on well until 2 days ago...
She asked me to help be involved with her hen planning alongside her bridesmaid (she had 2 initially.but has fallen out with one).
We exchanged a few messages in this group chat between the 3 of us about a particular idea of her and I said the idea was okay but it would need the venue to be busy in order to make the night more enjoyable.
Later in the evening we exchanged a few messages about the bridesmaid she had fell out with, asking if she had heard from her, she said no then a few minutes later I got 3 more messages that I believe were intended for the other bridesmaid saying "if she can't get excited about what I want to do then she can go away, I've never liked her".
It didn't flow with our conversation so I asked if she had intended that message to be sent to someone else and she then started to make excuses and explain she was just venting about how rubbish the bridesmaid that was no longer around had been etc etc.
To me it looks bad and now I feel very strange about our supposed friendship and her coming to our extremely intimate wedding that our parents aren't even attending!!
AIBU to talk to her fiance/my friend about this?

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 03/04/2018 11:51

Oooh tough one.

It wouldn’t be unusual for someone not to like a long time friend of their partner who happens to be of the opposite sex.

She is probably naturally bitchy and slags off everyone to everyone else.

As for your wedding, you’re him really when you think about it.

SenoritaViva · 03/04/2018 11:52

Hmm a tricky one. You know it might end your friendship with your friend? Are you willing to give that up for this?

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 11:59

SenoritaViva, I know what you mean. It puts him in an extremely awkward position but I just don't know how I'm meant to ignore this and still pretend everything's great when we meet up etc. I don't have a very good poker face.
I wish she'd just been more careful and sent them to who they were intended for and then I'd have been non the wiser!
We are due to see them in 3 weeks as well...

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 03/04/2018 12:04

Do you genuinely like her or have you just tried hard for your friend?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/04/2018 12:07

Show him the messages and see what his conclusion is. Maybe he doesn't know his fiancée as well as he thinks.

Thistlebelle · 03/04/2018 12:07

Personally I wouldn’t say anything. If you make him choose between you, he’ll choose her.

You don’t have to like all your friends’ partners but nevertheless you have to make an effort to be polite (even if they aren’t).

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:08

Well could she be telling the truth? Was it about the other bridesmaid?

On balance though people who fall out with friends close enough to be bridesmaids sound hard work. She probably resents your friendship with your male friend?

Got yo say I would he uncomfortable with my dh having a ‘best woman’ I think you should have tactfully refused that role.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 03/04/2018 12:08

I wouldn’t say anything to your friend. She doesn’t have to like you and you her. Saying something to her fiancé is petty and creating drama where there is none needed.

messofajess · 03/04/2018 12:09

Super tough but I actually think I would just ignore it and carry on while being cautious with her in the mean time.

If you can't do nothing I wouldn't bring it up with him, I would send her a message saying you can't shake the feeling that message was about you to other bridesmaid and there won't be any hard feelings if she'd like to choose someone else.

FleeceDetective · 03/04/2018 12:09

I think this is one of those scenarios where she would have a different interpretation, and she won't be afraid to put that across to her future husband.

Take it that she's someone who doesn't want criticism, be it constructive or not, and have a more surface level cordial relationship.

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:10

show him the messages

Yes that’s s good idea making him choose between 2 adult women! Do you think he should side against his fiancée? Hmm

ClareB83 · 03/04/2018 12:13

Keep your mouth shut. Telling him will only end badly especially as it's not crystal clear she was bitching about you. Plus she's allowed to not like you. And he's marrying her so he will choose her.

Palace2 · 03/04/2018 12:13

I think it's natural for her to vent if she's getting the vibe you're not excited. It's her hen do and obviously she's going to feel its more important than anyone else will. Why don't you message her and tell her you didn't mean to come across like you were putting a damper on the plans, that you just wanted everything to be amazing for her. I'm sure if she didn't like you she wouldn't have invited you to be so involved in the arrangements.

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 12:14

Mydog said Got yo say I would be uncomfortable with my dh having a ‘best woman’ I think you should have tactfully refused that role.

Why? Would you assume your DH was going to sleep with the best woman on his stag do?

I know a guy who had a best woman. His fiance had no issue with it. My three closest friends are female and should I get married I would absolutely have one of them undertaking the best man's role. And if my fiance had an issue with it, well, she'd never get to the fiance stage because I don't allow my partners to decide who I can and can't be friends with.

SenoritaViva · 03/04/2018 12:15

Maybe she has been making an effort to like you for her fiancée. Maybe she's a bit of a back stabbing cow but he will side with her.

What are you going to say to your friend? She doesn't like me and I don't like it? It will make it very awkward for him.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:17

I can't believe anyone thinks it's a good idea for you to talk to him about his fiancée, behind her back. If you feel troubled enough by this message to talk to her about it then do so, but don't pointlessly create a drama around showing him 'the real her'. She sent a bitchy message, probably about you, you haven't just found out she kills puppies! And if she has agreed to have you as such a central part of the wedding despite not being completely sold on you, then isn't that actually a nice gesture revealing that she recognises the importance of your friendship to her fiancé?

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:17

Shatners

Good for you but no I wouldn’t be impressed. Both dh and I have close friends of both sexes but I am his best women and he’s my best man. Literally and figuratively Grin

Each to own though! Good luck with your future wife

Choccywoccyhooha · 03/04/2018 12:19

I would leave it. It's an open secret that my oldest friend's (we've been friends since we were ten, thirty years ago) husband and I don't particularly like eachother. But, we both love my friend and know that he loves both of us, so we are civil to one another. He came to my very small wedding and I did a reading and a speech at his, it's ot worth losing a friendship over. They have been together for nine years now, married for six, and it does get easier, we now can spend time together, just me and the husband and be perfectly nice. I actively looked for things that were nice about him and concentrated on those, I guess I "faked it till I made it."
Don't lose your friendship over this.

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:20

And the title should I tell my friend about his fiancee totally implies the op expects her friend to side with her after this revelation of her bitchiness. Why would she assume that?

Choccywoccyhooha · 03/04/2018 12:23

And yes, how bizarre that a pp said that they would not be comfortable with their DH having a "best woman." I have just got back from a weekend away with my two closest male friends, and my dh is going away next week to see his best female friend. I'm shocked that people would marry someone they didn't trust with their friends.

SenoritaViva · 03/04/2018 12:23

@choccywoccyhooha is absolutely right.
I don't think my husband and best friend are each other's favourite people but I wouldn't let it impact either relationship.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:24

Both dh and I have close friends of both sexes but I am his best women and he’s my best man.

That logic makes no sense! I am pretty sure (and very much hope!) that DH is keener on me than he is on the guy who was his best man. We're each others' 'best people', surely (Envy) so should he not have had a best man or a best woman, in case everyone assumed he liked them better than me?

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 03/04/2018 12:24

Just say you're sorry for giving the impression you weren't interested. And don't offer any more advice as she clearly just wants yes men.

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 12:25

Thank you. I completely get where you're coming from and at my ripe old age, I'm fully aware that we can't all be friends and like eachother. It's helpful to hear from someone who has experienced a similar situation. I guess I was just taken aback because I thought we had forged a genuine friendship over the past 18 months. Yes initially I'm sure it was for her fiance's/my friend's benefit but she has gone out of her way to include me in things, ask me for girls weekends etc and to me, you wouldn't do that unless you genuinely liked someone.
I think a lot of you are correct in that I just need to suck it up and breeze over it to protect my friendship.

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 03/04/2018 12:27

I'd keep quiet and be aware of her a little bit more. She sounds like she likes to bitch about people.

Some people bond over a common enemy and she seems to be the type to do this. Just be aware that you'll never truly be friends with her. I wouldn't tell your friend.

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