Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to tell my friend about his fiancee?

92 replies

Kahil · 03/04/2018 11:44

Long story short, I have a very close male friend whom I've known for nearly 20 years. We are both getting married this year and he has asked me to be his best woman and I have asked him to be a witness at mine and 1 of only 4 guests, his fiancee included.
They've been together just under 2 years and I have struck a friendship up with her and I seemingly thought we got on well until 2 days ago...
She asked me to help be involved with her hen planning alongside her bridesmaid (she had 2 initially.but has fallen out with one).
We exchanged a few messages in this group chat between the 3 of us about a particular idea of her and I said the idea was okay but it would need the venue to be busy in order to make the night more enjoyable.
Later in the evening we exchanged a few messages about the bridesmaid she had fell out with, asking if she had heard from her, she said no then a few minutes later I got 3 more messages that I believe were intended for the other bridesmaid saying "if she can't get excited about what I want to do then she can go away, I've never liked her".
It didn't flow with our conversation so I asked if she had intended that message to be sent to someone else and she then started to make excuses and explain she was just venting about how rubbish the bridesmaid that was no longer around had been etc etc.
To me it looks bad and now I feel very strange about our supposed friendship and her coming to our extremely intimate wedding that our parents aren't even attending!!
AIBU to talk to her fiance/my friend about this?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 13:49

No it's the fiancé who has stated her dislike for OP. Not the other way round. I think OP and best friend should go off together into the sunset.

Original poster

Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:49

No @Trinity66. It's been useful getting people's opinions x

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 13:53

Mydog As long as you didn't want to have your way with me!

Birdsgottafly · 03/04/2018 13:56

"She asked for an opinion and I gave her an honest one. I said her idea wad good but it would need to be busy to set a good atmosphere. As a previous post said, perhaps she only likes 'Yes' people and she didn't get that from me."

What you see as honesty, she might see as pissing on her chips. You haven't become friends naturally, so are going to differ in opinion. It takes a level of management from both parties.

She has set the ball rolling with her damage limitation.

OlennasWimple · 03/04/2018 13:59

She's not coming to your wedding because she's a good friend of yours, she's coming to your wedding because she is your best friend's partner. So showing the texts to your friend will achieve precisely nothing: what can he do? Say "yeah, she doesn't really like you but she's trying"?

I know it's easier said than done, but just move on as if nothing had happened.

Thistlebelle · 03/04/2018 14:02

No it's the fiancé who has stated her dislike for OP. Not the other way round

Not if the OP tells her friend and shows the messages. She’ll have crossed a line. Which happily she’s too sensible to do.

Nanna50 · 03/04/2018 14:09

Perhaps she has never really liked you but has made a huge effort to include you and form a friendship because she knows how much it means to her fiancée and maybe he knows this and appreciates that she makes the effort.

Maybe she does actually like you but didn’t like your opinions about her hen party and just let her emotions get the better of her when she texted.

He would still bring her to the wedding whether you told him about the text or not, unless of course he decided not to attend himself, he’s not going to exclude her.

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 14:12

shatners

You flirty Berty

Louiselouie0890 · 03/04/2018 14:17

I'd just leave her to it. It doesn't sound like you were close friends anyway. Just keep her at arm's length and be polite for your friend

TatianaLarina · 03/04/2018 14:19

She asked for an opinion and I gave her an honest one. I said her idea wad good but it would need to be busy to set a good atmosphere. As a previous post said, perhaps she only likes 'Yes' people and she didn't get that from me.

So you gave an honest opinion, and you got one back if unintentionally. Do you need her to be a ‘yes’ person?

Perhaps she’s overthinking her hen as much as you’re overthinking this.

Just keep calm and carry on.

Mightymucks · 03/04/2018 14:25

Show him the messages and see what his conclusion is. Maybe he doesn't know his fiancée as well as he thinks.

This, and all of the rest of OPs advice is some of the worst advice I’ve ever seen given on MN.

This man is supposed to be marrying her. If the way he felt about his fiancée was changed by a couple of misdirected messages having a mild bitch about the OP then the fiancée would be best off out of it and shouldn’t be marrying a man with such weak feelings about her and so little loyalty towards her.

In reality it’s an embarrassing and awkward situation which is not worth making a fuss about as all it will do is cause awkwardness and embarrassment around the wedding while achieving nothing which would make it worthwhile doing so.

thecatsthecats · 03/04/2018 14:35

I wonder why she doesn't like you?

People who cast themselves in the role of bold truth-tellers, when really, as another poster said, they just like to piss on someone else's chips, really piss me off.

I have been trying on wedding dresses with my bridesmaids. I need to feel like I look good, and feel comfortable in my choice. One of my bridesmaids can only think of what SHE likes though, and is entirely unable to rein her neck in when she doesn't like my choices and just say nice things (for the record THE BIGGEST MOST DRAMATIC SKIRT IN THE WORLD My sister probably thinks it's ridiculous, my other bridesmaid decided she didn't want that for herself, but they can see how happy it makes me).

'Yes' men is a nasty way to criticise someone who is just being agreeable. Is it really such a bad thing for someone wanting people to jolly along with what they want for once in their lives?

Cuppaoftea · 03/04/2018 14:37

You seem to think the fact you've known him 20 years as opposed to the 2 he's been with his fiancee makes you more important in some way. You aren't, she's about to become his Wife. Of course your friendship is going to change and become less significant as you both marry and potentially have families.

I think you need to prepare yourself for that and are unreasonable to continue as his 'best woman' when I get the sense you're not fully supportive of his marrying her.

You were also unreasonable to make the comment you did on her hen party plans and to try and stir things by asking if she'd heard from the bridesmaid she'd fallen out with. There's nothing worse than someone who passively aggressively attempts to put a dampener on someone's wedding plans out of a little jealousy.

SandyY2K · 03/04/2018 14:42

I'd back off from the friendship after that message. I'm not even sure I could fake it for the hen night.

SandyY2K · 03/04/2018 14:48

To answer your question... I wouldn't say anything to him about her ... unless he specifically asked why I'd backed off.

I'd just say... I don't think she really likes me.

I reckon she's not thrilled about yours and his friendship and is trying to keep you close (to keep an eye on you) as his female friend. The old saying of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"

It's all born from her insecurities. I've seen that very advice given on here on that situation. ...

Invite her over
Kill her with kindness
Get super friendly with her

Original poster

Kahil · 03/04/2018 14:53

Just WOW @cuppaoftea you have passed an awful lot of judgement in your post and seemingly plucked it out of nowhere IMO. I definitely do not deem myself as more important than his future wife. We play extremely different roles in his life.
I am incredibly happy and supportive of the fact that he has found someone that made him happy when then met because he's been treated badly in the past and was even more so because I was under the impression that I was also lucky enough to gain a friend.
Me asking about the bridesmaid that is no more certainly wasn't me trying to dampen spirits. She had sent her something in the post and I was enquiring as to whether she'd had a response.
Where you've got that I am somehow jealous from, I don't know?!

OP posts:

willynillypie · 03/04/2018 17:50

On one hand, I would've been a bit upset as a bride-to-be at your hen-do comment, and probably massively overreacted like a psycho (fraught tensions etc). On the other hand, I wouldn't really want 1/4 of my wedding guests to be someone who said something like that about me as it implies she doesn't like me! I probably would try to ask my friend casually if his fiancee does actually like me, and hopefully be reassured and put it down to bridal stress and nothing more.

Flip

1 2 3 4