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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my friend about his fiancee?

92 replies

Kahil · 03/04/2018 11:44

Long story short, I have a very close male friend whom I've known for nearly 20 years. We are both getting married this year and he has asked me to be his best woman and I have asked him to be a witness at mine and 1 of only 4 guests, his fiancee included.
They've been together just under 2 years and I have struck a friendship up with her and I seemingly thought we got on well until 2 days ago...
She asked me to help be involved with her hen planning alongside her bridesmaid (she had 2 initially.but has fallen out with one).
We exchanged a few messages in this group chat between the 3 of us about a particular idea of her and I said the idea was okay but it would need the venue to be busy in order to make the night more enjoyable.
Later in the evening we exchanged a few messages about the bridesmaid she had fell out with, asking if she had heard from her, she said no then a few minutes later I got 3 more messages that I believe were intended for the other bridesmaid saying "if she can't get excited about what I want to do then she can go away, I've never liked her".
It didn't flow with our conversation so I asked if she had intended that message to be sent to someone else and she then started to make excuses and explain she was just venting about how rubbish the bridesmaid that was no longer around had been etc etc.
To me it looks bad and now I feel very strange about our supposed friendship and her coming to our extremely intimate wedding that our parents aren't even attending!!
AIBU to talk to her fiance/my friend about this?

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 03/04/2018 12:27

Does it really matter if you don't get on? You don't have to be best friends just because she is marrying your best friend.

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 12:28

I absolutely do not assume he would have sided with me in any way shape or form but we have a very honest and open friendship where we talk to each other about a lot so if it were anyone else that had done it to me, I would talk to him about it. The complication is, it's his fiancee...

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 12:30

Margaret Spot on.

Maybe we should actually do away with these gender-specific titles of traditional times like bridesmaid, maid of honour, best man and have new ones?

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:30

Yes so honestly don’t share this op it will be as as awkward as fuck snd he/she will see you as causing trouble.

Keep strum and just be wary of her going forward

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:32

Regards best man/woman this is s Chat forum and we are entitled to disagree. Grin good luck to anyone having best women/men of opposite sex that’s brilliant for you just not for me. Calm down Smile

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 12:36

Mydog Of course you are entitled to disagree. I just find it sad that so often on MN so many women are uncomfortable with men having female friends. When Harry Met Sally is a film, not every man is friends with a woman in the hope of shagging her.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:37

we have a very honest and open friendship where we talk to each other about a lot so if it were anyone else that had done it to me, I would talk to him about it. The complication is, it's his fiancee...

Really, you'd tell him about every single perceived slight you receive from another person?! How often do you speak?!

I think you think this is some huge deal and therefore that you'd be somehow keeping a huge secret by not telling him. I really don't think it is.

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 12:39

@MargaretCavendish, Do you not talk to your friends about what's going on in your life be them good or bad experiences??

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 12:40

You should definitely distance yourself from her. She is a fairly new friend. I would show the text to your friend and tell him it's now put you in a very awkward position indeed as you don't feel that this close friendship with her can continue. He will surely realise this. I might go to their wedding but I wouldn't have her at your very small wedding. No point.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:41

I also think you're reading an awful lot into that 'I never liked her'. It sounds more like a silly, petulant thing said in the moment - very immature of her - than a genuine revelation of years of secret hatred and resentment. Apart from anything else, if she really disliked you and had always disliked you being around, her friend probably wouldn't need to be told that in the text message! Again, she doesn't sound great - at best the message was immature and her reaction was very over the top and silly - but don't turn it into some sort of long-standing issue between you.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:44

I don't have anyone that I would tell every single time someone in my life offended me, no. I think even my husband would consider that a bit of an information overload! It's not that I think it would be a strange thing to mention to another friend, but I do think it's weird that you think not telling this one particular friend would be some sort of omission. I mean, is that really all that's happened in your life for you to chat about next time you see him?!

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:46

Shatners

Why are you making stuff up?? I never said that at all I specifically said we both friends but I wouldn’t want them playing a huge role at my wedding.

Read the posts properly

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/04/2018 12:48

If any other woman had bitched about you he would want to know. He doesn't have to take sides but surely he wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable in her company at his expense either?

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:48

vivienne

Dreadful advice there the friendship would be over in a heartbeat

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 12:50

@MargaretCavendish very true but the rationale behind potentislly telling him is I feel a bit awkward now about seeing her, being involved with her hen that is very small then her coming to our intimate wedding if she may genuinely dislike me. Yes I agree that it was a flippant and immature comment but me being slightly selfish, it's just made me feel unnecessarily uncomfortable.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 12:53

Mydog What have I made up? I've stated that many people on MN have problems with their OH having friends of the opposite sex. I didn't say YOU had a problem with your OH having friends of the opposite sex!

You just had a problem with those friends playing a role in your wedding. I find that odd. What do you think those female friends might have done? Ruin your day somehow?

Thundercracker · 03/04/2018 12:54

You need to get over that, if you want to stay his friend.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:56

Can't you see that as something you do for him, if necessary? As lots of people have said, it's rare to love all of your closest friends' partners, but you're polite and nice to them anyway, because of your friend. Given how close you two are, continuing to be friendly to her - even if it means gritting your teeth a bit - seems like quite a small thing to do.

What do you think would come of telling him? Do you really think he'd call off the engagement? If not, but you stop seeing her, don't go to her hen and disinvite her from your wedding, then what will that do to your friendship? Surely feeling slightly awkward for a while is a much better alternative?

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 12:57

Shatners

Can’t be bothered to bite today my post was perfectly clear.

Word of advice though when you do meet anyone who wants to marry you a good rule of thumb is to listen to their views too before telling them yours.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 12:58

Basically, you'd be changing it from being an awkward situation for you to being an upsetting situation for him. Which doesn't seem all that friendly a thing to do.

Trinity66 · 03/04/2018 12:59

Are you sure she wasn't talking about the other girl though, looks like it might fit in with what you asked her imo?

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:04

@MargaretCavendish good point. I definitely don't want to cause him any distress or upset.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 13:04

Mydog I'm not being deliberately goady, I am genuinely interested. You were clear in that you said it would make you "uncomfortable" but I genuinely don't get WHY.

I have met someone who wanted to marry me. But she said she would only do so if I gave up my female friends, none of whom were single, all of whom socialised with US not just ME. These friends were the first people I introduced her too when we started to get serious. I had known them for 10, 15 even 20 years in one case. I'd known her for two. Suffice it to say, I did not accept her proposal and I ended the relationship. Bizarrely, she had some good close male friends, so rather hypocritical on her part don't you think?

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:06

Well obviously the friend should side with his fiancée and I agree and said upthresd that the op may be mistaken.

You would be a bad friend and frankly a shit stirrer to mention this op.

It’s not like you saw her shagging another bloke. I

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:06

It was suspect because the bridesmaid that is no more didn't know anything about the bride's idea because she cut her off about a month ago so it was just a very odd that she would say it was aimed at her because she didn't know anything about said idea. Hope that makes sense 😂

OP posts: