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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my friend about his fiancee?

92 replies

Kahil · 03/04/2018 11:44

Long story short, I have a very close male friend whom I've known for nearly 20 years. We are both getting married this year and he has asked me to be his best woman and I have asked him to be a witness at mine and 1 of only 4 guests, his fiancee included.
They've been together just under 2 years and I have struck a friendship up with her and I seemingly thought we got on well until 2 days ago...
She asked me to help be involved with her hen planning alongside her bridesmaid (she had 2 initially.but has fallen out with one).
We exchanged a few messages in this group chat between the 3 of us about a particular idea of her and I said the idea was okay but it would need the venue to be busy in order to make the night more enjoyable.
Later in the evening we exchanged a few messages about the bridesmaid she had fell out with, asking if she had heard from her, she said no then a few minutes later I got 3 more messages that I believe were intended for the other bridesmaid saying "if she can't get excited about what I want to do then she can go away, I've never liked her".
It didn't flow with our conversation so I asked if she had intended that message to be sent to someone else and she then started to make excuses and explain she was just venting about how rubbish the bridesmaid that was no longer around had been etc etc.
To me it looks bad and now I feel very strange about our supposed friendship and her coming to our extremely intimate wedding that our parents aren't even attending!!
AIBU to talk to her fiance/my friend about this?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/04/2018 13:07

Time to grow up.

Not really liking someone, isn't disliking them.

We are thrown into mixing with people who we don't really like, through other Friendships, Family, Children's clubs, Work etc.

She's either having a rant, like people do on here. Or she is including you for her Fiance's sake. No need to make this bigger than it is.

Are you being negative? Tbh, her sentiment of "if you can't get excited, then do one" is a perfectly valid one. Situations like this does test how well you actually get on.

You don't have to be besties with everyone, just proceed on the basis that she's the most important person to someone you are close to. Absolutely don't take this to him, unless you are an advanced eight year old..

Birdsgottafly · 03/04/2018 13:08

X post, she's tried to limit the damage, because the drama isn't worth it.

Rafflesway · 03/04/2018 13:10

Must admit OP, I thought the same as Trinity when I read your post.

I honestly didn't think she was venting about you at all. 🤔

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:10

Yes very hypocritical. You were right to end it. however to me my wedding was our special day and we just had very close family attending. Friends joined us later.

As I say though each to their own. We may be a little different as I got married very young just out of school so our friends were all very young too.

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:12

@birdsgottafly I don't believe I was being negative at all. She asked for an opinion and I gave her an honest one. I said her idea wad good but it would need to be busy to set a good atmosphere. As a previous post said, perhaps she only likes 'Yes' people and she didn't get that from me.

OP posts:
Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:13

Last post on this op,

Leave it alone or you will regret it. He will naturally pick her and she will see you, not unfairly, as a shit stirrer.

Your close friendship will naturally become less close anyway after he gets married it’s just life

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:15

@Rafflesway maybe I am just overthinking and reading too much into something that's nothing.

I think the general consensus is to keep it to myself and just try to go on as normal so that is what I'll do for the sake of my friendship.

Thank you for all your advice. Have a good day everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:17

@mydoghatesthebath Don't agree that our friendship will decrease when we both get married 😂😂
I think 20 years on through several different relationships is testament to that.

OP posts:
Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:18

Good for you op. Very sensible Flowers

Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 13:18

She probably has form for falling out with folk. And no wonder. I don't see why OP should keep up the pretence now she knows what this person thinks of her. Why on earth be friends with somebody who has never liked you. I'd see her in the capacity of being your friends partner but that's as far as it goes. I'd get out of the hen night and out of being bridesmaid. If her partner asks why either tell him or say ask your finance.

Original poster
Kahil · 03/04/2018 13:21

@Viviennemary I guess people advise to keep quiet because messengers more often than not, are the ones that get shot x

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 03/04/2018 13:25

In fairness kahil, at one time I think I would immediately have jumped to the same conclusion as you. As an impartial observer it is far easier to be objective.

Of course I could be wrong but my honest gut feeling from your original post - and bearing in mind you had been discussing the "Difficult" BM - was about her and not you.

I definitely agree not to take up with your friend. Believe me, in 20 years time you probably won't give a monkeys who was at your wedding. I had 3 bridesmaids and a pageboy and DH had his best man - been married almost 40 years - and haven't had any contact with any of them for well over 20 years. No conflict, it's just that lives move in different directions.

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:25

Or it’s just kinder to protect the person you love more then to triumph over a person you don’t care about at all.

Rudgie47 · 03/04/2018 13:26

I'd have nothing further to do with her in any capacity.
I wouldnt be sucking it up,shes a bitch and you and your friend will be going seperate paths anyway.I'd just move on.

Thistlebelle · 03/04/2018 13:28

Vivienne because if she does what you suggest she’ll lose her friend. She certainly is unlikely to be able to stand as his best woman if she’s in all our war with his fiancé.

Several of my friends (both male and female) have partners I’m not that keen on. Nevertheless I respect their choice and do my best to be polite.

It’s how society works.

Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 13:29

I agree that there is a time to keep silent and a time to speak. I don't think under these circumstances OP should feel obliged to keep quiet. He doesn't need to pick between them. OP can remain his friend but all pretence of close friendship with the girlfriend can be over. Because it would be a lie. She doesn't like OP.

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:33

Not sure if some people really understand how relationships work. Friends or marriage partners

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:35

Or just like a life of drama and Eastenders style bollocks.

Not you op you sound sensible

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 13:36

Mydog you do tell whoppers.

Last post on this op

Four more since you posted that. So far... Wink

Thistlebelle · 03/04/2018 13:38

I always wondered how MN had so many threads about people falling out with their friends but I get it now... Hmm

Vivienne There is no way that he’ll be able to stay close friends with a woman who has publicly declared her dislike for his fiancé.

Not in a million years. And I wouldn’t have much respect for him if he did tbh.

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:40

Shatners

Grin I know gobby cow I am Smile

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:41

Aye and if you want me to be your best woman imagine the length of the speech! Grin

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 13:44

Mydog No point in asking you. You'd have to tactfully decline surely? Smile

Trinity66 · 03/04/2018 13:46

It was suspect because the bridesmaid that is no more didn't know anything about the bride's idea because she cut her off about a month ago so it was just a very odd that she would say it was aimed at her because she didn't know anything about said idea. Hope that makes sense

yeah Grin honestly though I'd just put it down to stress of the wedding and leave it at that, not really worth falling out with your friend or causing problems/awkwardness with the fiance is it?

Mydoghatesthebath · 03/04/2018 13:47

Well you have a way with you but yes regretfully I would Grin