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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have stopped speaking to my SIL for this comment?

85 replies

thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 22:50

My SiL has always been a bit of a mystery to me, she's very moody and can be immature but she can also be great with my kids too.

However, recently I have stopped speaking with her and whenever she asks to come visit I make an excuse and say I'm busy. This is because she was sat in my house, as a nursing student, telling me about how she was working with kids in a special school who were 'cabbages'. When I asked her not to call them that she said 'oh I don't say it at work' and I said 'just don't say it anywhere' and she fake laughed and changed the subject.

I don't have any family of my own, my only family is my in-laws due to being in care previously. I have a rubbish relationship with my MiL anyway and I don't know, I'm feeling isolated like I'm picking off family members to not get along with but I feel she's gone too far.

Would you let this go or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 22:51

She also uses the R word in conversation too...

OP posts:
LegallyBrunet · 02/04/2018 22:56

YANBU!!!!! My youngest brother is severely disabled. We do not allow the R word used in this house, I have told friends that I do not approve of this word and it no longer gets used around me and we have had ‘cabbage’ shouted at us in the street when out with my youngest brother. If she was my SIL she would be kicked out of my house and never allowed back in.

freakydeakydo · 02/04/2018 22:57

Not a very nice thing to say but I'd probably not cut her off. Every time she says it I would correct her and tell her it's a really shit thing to say

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/04/2018 22:58

I imagine that’s the kind of attitude that would have her in real trouble with the NMC.

LadyB49 · 02/04/2018 22:59

Dare i ask, what is the R word.

Original poster
thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 23:01

So sorry LegallyBrunet, that is absolutely sickening.

I didn't kick her out because it's not just my house, she's not my sister and my children were in the other room, I didn't want to create a scene. If she'd have said it in front of my children so they heard it would have been very different as I don't think I'd have held my temper.

It's so shitty, I don't know how to do this family thing, but I will never allow her to say it in my presence again and get away with it lightly anyway.

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 23:01

lady the R word is retard. We dont use it due to a disabled relative its uncalled for even though most people use it to mean stupid. Cabbage is a horrid term for people.

Original poster
thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 23:01

Lady, it ends in ard. Offensive word used to refer to disabled people.

OP posts:
MadRainbow · 02/04/2018 23:03

"Retard" @ladyB

I don't think YABU OP what an awful thing to say especially as something that works in a caring profession

MadRainbow · 02/04/2018 23:04

Someone even sorry typo

Original poster
thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 23:04

Well, this is the person who is also considering quitting nursing because she admits that she started the degree without really knowing what a nurse does. So yeah, probably not the best suited to her.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 02/04/2018 23:08

Honestly you’re not wrong to pull her up on it or insist she doesn’t ever say it again in your earshot.

But YABU to cut her off. Family is forever unless there’s a serious issue. This isn’t it.

steff13 · 02/04/2018 23:10

What are cabbages?

Original poster
thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 23:13

steff13 it's another way of saying a vegetable, which used to be a horrible term used for people who were brain damaged etc.

OP posts:
Sarsparella · 02/04/2018 23:13

I’d feel the same, what a horrible thing to say Sad

StillMedusa · 02/04/2018 23:13

Educate..don't cut off.
I have an autistic son, and have worked with people who have severe learning disabilities for many years. I hate 'retard' (and 'spastic' and other derogatory terms) but have found that rather than cutting people off, repeatedly explaining that it is NOT ok, eventually gets the message through.
Doesn't sound like she is in the right job tho!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/04/2018 23:18

You made the point directly to her and that’s enough i think. Stand firm if she continues to say such stupid things.

Arapaima · 02/04/2018 23:21

It was an inappropriate comment but I wouldn't cut her off personally.

winterisstillcoming · 02/04/2018 23:25

You are within your rights to cut her off, but do tell her why , and give her the opportunity to apologise and redeem herself. If she doesn't then at least you know you have done what you can with her.

Popc0rn · 02/04/2018 23:27

I hate the R word, and will call people up on it if they use it in front of me...BUT, I'm ashamed to admit that I used to use it in conversation Blush. I stopped when I started working with kids with special needs, and realised how offensive/hurtful the term is. I'm a nurse now, and would have very stern words with a student and their university if I heard them use either of those terms. Hopefully she's just very young and has some growing up to do, or she realises she's in the wrong career and quits.

I would have a word with her about how offensive you found it, but don't cut her out completely.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2018 23:28

What @winter says above.

Willow2017 · 02/04/2018 23:30

How much educating does she need as a nuese in a childrens unit? She already knows she cannot use those words at work for a good reason so why on earth does she rhink its ok to use them anywhere else?
I really hope she gives up nursing pdq she has no insight nor empathy at all.

BackforGood · 02/04/2018 23:30

YABU to stop speaking to her...... However, recently I have stopped speaking with her and whenever she asks to come visit I make an excuse and say I'm busy.

What a daft way to deal with it.
Challenge her at the time. Tell her you never, ever want to hear her using such awful language again. Then move on.

Motoko · 02/04/2018 23:30

What on earth did she think nurses do?

JustVent · 02/04/2018 23:32

I fucking hate the R word and I’ve deleted people on facebook when they have used it.
How can people not see how offensive that word is?

Cabbage is also unpleasant, I also hate the word spaz.

These are all from adults no less.