to have stopped speaking to my SIL for this comment?

[thetaleofthegooseandthesloth]

My SiL has always been a bit of a mystery to me, she's very moody and can be immature but she can also be great with my kids too.

However, recently I have stopped speaking with her and whenever she asks to come visit I make an excuse and say I'm busy. This is because she was sat in my house, as a nursing student, telling me about how she was working with kids in a special school who were 'cabbages'. When I asked her not to call them that she said 'oh I don't say it at work' and I said 'just don't say it anywhere' and she fake laughed and changed the subject.

I don't have any family of my own, my only family is my in-laws due to being in care previously. I have a rubbish relationship with my MiL anyway and I don't know, I'm feeling isolated like I'm picking off family members to not get along with but I feel she's gone too far.

Would you let this go or not?

she admits she started the degree without really knowing what a nurse does
She honestly doesn't sound bright enough to be doing any kind of degree.

Well the smartest thing she has said is that she is quitting as she is clearly not cut out for nursing.

@BackforGood- I did challenge her, my OP says how?!

What branch of nursing is she studying? Please don't say learning disabilities if she is using that kind of language. That is an awful thing to say, I can see why you don't really want to see her...

@thetaleofthegooseandthesloth "Would you let this go or not?"

No, but I would choose not to isolate myself or my SIL and would instead educate her.

I once worked with a woman who was almost mute, she had some learning difficulties and I never heard her speak (I was a volunteer). One day we were colouring and I she said a colour, just out of the blue (Purple actually). I realised so much more was going on in her head than I ever realised but because she rarely spoke I had assumed that not so much was going on.

We can all challenge negative and helpful words and ideas.

Your SIL sounds young and immature. Challenge her words but welcome her, if you can, and you may find it does you both good.

I agree with the people who say educate but don't shut off. You've made your point and can continue to do so if she persists in using this term but she may well have learnt her lesson. She's family for you, your dp and your dc so now you've made your point you need to move on. Life gets very lonely otherwise.

I, too, would educate her. Cutting her off for calling people cabbages is a bit extreme imo. It took me decidedly more to go nc with sil then brother.

She went into nursing without thinking about what nurses do? She sounds a fucking idiot. I hate the R word. To the point I can’t stand when people put “tard” on the end of words either. Libtards, fucktard etc.

I’d happily tell her to fuck right off and I’d tell her why. Nasty cow.

I would get back in touch. She may have twigged this is why you’re ignoring her and she may have taken it on board. If she hasn’t say something firmly and tell her why it upsets you so much.

Cutting her out seems extreme.

Report her comments to the school, someone like that shouldn’t be working with vulnerable children with SEN

My daughter attends a special school where many of the children have severe disabilities. I’d be extremely upset if I discovered that someone who worked there was using this kind of terminology.

Sounds to me like you want an excuse and you have used the issue that you know MN will back you up on !

Just challenge her and consistently do it !

Let it go. Pull her up on her terminology but I don't have a fall out over it.

She sounds a bit dim, to not even know what nurses do?

But there's no reason to go NC with her. Agree with pp that that's just silly.

Just correct, and say it's unacceptable. As you have done. That's fine.

I'd also talk to her and have a conversation.

I wouldn’t have her in my house, (& I came on expecting up say you were unreasonable) but I have a severely disabled son.

For those who say it’s a bit extreme. Would you tolerate someone using racist shit in your house or extreme sexism?

That comment would physically repulse me.

I would have just told her that you find the terms offensive and ask that she not use them in front of you.

I wouldn't go nc over it but it doesn't sound as though you have, you're just ignoring her?

If I cut off every person in my family for saying something off-colour, prejudiced or unpleasant I'd be NC with everyone!

I think you are looking for reasons to shut people out.

Using offensive terms is a behaviour. It shouldn't be used to judge a whole persons worth. She knows not to use the language professionally. It can take time before you become professional outside of work if that's not your normal way of thinking.

Lots of people start training or degrees without actually realising what they encompass. You get lots of students changing courses in the first few months.

Devilishpyjamas I agree: I would also equate 'cabbage' and the r word with the most extreme racist and sexist terms and would react accordingly. They are terms of hatred and intolerance.
It chills me to the bone, as the parent of a disabled child myself, that someone who worked with her may speak like this.

OP tell her that these words are akin to the 'n' word and that they're utterly unacceptable in any situation, in or out of work. If she can't see it then yes, dump her.

My dd is severely disabled. I don't think I would cut her off. I have been pondering Devils question and wondering why I would be more tolerant about this language than racist language. I think it is because you don't get to adulthood without realising racism is wrong and I think you can make some fairly accurate judgements about an individual who uses racist language.
Unfortunately disablism/disablist language typically goes unchallenged. I regularly hear disablist language from colleagues and casual acquaintances and if I was to cut them all off I would be quite isolated. I do challenge the language though, and most people are very receptive. They have never really thought deeply about the word they are using.
Of course some people are just arseholes, and I suspect your SIL may be one of them, given it wasn't just a throw away remark, but rather a description of real people she was spending time with in a professional capacity.

Bloody heck I wouldn't be speaking to most of my family for some of the things they say,especially my DM. However I just challenge them. I cant believe the number of people on here saying cut her off. She doesn't sound very bright, you challenged her at the time. Nothing more to be said. Move on. Oh and before anyone starts my nephew has DS and we had to manage my mothers use of language. She wasn't being deliberately nasty or vicious just using words she grew up hearing. We wouldn't let her away with it and she changed.

Flywheel you out say your colleagues sometimes use disablist language, but are they just calling other, non-disabled people dubious names, or are they using that language against actual disabled people?

That's the difference. Calling someone who has behaved in a silly way a "spaz" for example is wrong and needs addressing, but directing such language towards a disabled person is completely different. It's completely unacceptable and offensive.
That's what OP's SIL is doing.

It can take time before you become professional outside of work if that's not your normal way of thinking

It’s not about being professional. It shows that you see people with disabilities as not quite human (which is a daily problem for the most severely affected). I pretty kick have zero tolerance for such attitudes