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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have stopped speaking to my SIL for this comment?

85 replies

thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 22:50

My SiL has always been a bit of a mystery to me, she's very moody and can be immature but she can also be great with my kids too.

However, recently I have stopped speaking with her and whenever she asks to come visit I make an excuse and say I'm busy. This is because she was sat in my house, as a nursing student, telling me about how she was working with kids in a special school who were 'cabbages'. When I asked her not to call them that she said 'oh I don't say it at work' and I said 'just don't say it anywhere' and she fake laughed and changed the subject.

I don't have any family of my own, my only family is my in-laws due to being in care previously. I have a rubbish relationship with my MiL anyway and I don't know, I'm feeling isolated like I'm picking off family members to not get along with but I feel she's gone too far.

Would you let this go or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 03/04/2018 20:30

I'm actually really surprised at people who think I'm overreacting, but like @Devillish says, for some it's a line not to be crossed just like racism for me.

And @Monstera that's exactly it. She knows it was wrong to say. She didn't even say sorry, just 'yeah' when I said don't say it anywhere in a pissy tone. That along with her use of retard, mong, spaz etc really don't make me want to have her hanging around my kids to be honest.

OP posts:
spacecadet48 · 03/04/2018 20:56

No one is saying what she has said is right. She is an ass and is using language that is truly shocking. But you appear to be heading off to NC without discussing with your DH or her further? Family is important and given you don't have any yourself you seem to be quickly ensuring your DH and your DC don't have any either. You mention issues with your MiL. You need to speak with your DH and not be seeking some kind of 'you are right, go no contact' from MN. My DP and I would be discussing it and agreeing the way forward.

Devilishpyjamas · 03/04/2018 21:24

If family are that unpleasant they’re not important.

Devilishpyjamas · 03/04/2018 21:29

FWIW I wouldn’t make a big thing about going nc because she’d probably love the drama, but I’d be having pretty much nothing to do with her and she’d get a mouthful if she came out with any of that stuff to me (& a lecture about safeguarding, vulnerability and the fact I’d be minded to report it because it’s such a betrayal of trust).

My tolerance for disablism is pretty much zero. Especially when it targets those who cannot stand up for themselves.

SpottedOnMN · 03/04/2018 21:36

I was shocked when a smart friend made a similar stupid joke to me and said she regularly did to her kids and couldn't see the harm. I said in appalled tones that she'd see the harm pretty damn quickly when her kid repeats it at school and she gets called in to talk to the Head about his disabilist language.

Isadora2007 · 04/04/2018 02:49

That along with her use of retard, mong, spaz etc really don't make me want to have her hanging around my kids to be honest.

Your kids will hear this. If you continually pull up your SIL you will be modelling how to handle such filth and ignorance. If they’re young they may not even notice yet but a good passive aggressive “silly auntie X doesn’t know Retard is a nasty word. But we do. It’s a very hurtful and horrible word and we’d don’t use it.” Would work fine. If their older than that you can have an honest discussion with them about why such words came about and why they are so wrong.
Going NC is just avoiding the issue and not addressing it. And what about your poor husband? Doesn’t he get a say?

MiserableFucker · 04/04/2018 03:00

My child attends a sen school and I would be furious to put it mildly if I thought for a second the staff referred to her in such terms.

I know they wouldn't though. They quite clearly adore the children they work with. I would suggest your SIL might want to pursue a different career path Hmm

Greenyogagirl · 04/04/2018 03:05

Report her to the school and go no contact.

MonsteraDeliciosa · 04/04/2018 08:02

If you cut people out of your life every time they make an offensive or ignorant comment you’d hardly have anyone left!

Another of many such comments on this thread.
If I cut out everyone in my life who made such comments, then I'd have the same amount of friends and family, because my friends and family aren't a bunch of fuckwits.

It's depressing that disablism is so tolerated and forgiven. It's always given the "they're an OK person really, they just don't know any better and need a little speaking to" treatment. Yes, it's good to try and educate people but some, like the OPs SIL, are just plain hateful and discriminatory. They're not OK people.

A couple of years ago the knob end Frankie Boyle was making fun of disabled people as part of his stand up show. A woman in the audience challenged him and was abused and laughed at. Boyle still appears on telly. If his show had been racist he'd have been condemned and no longer on our screens. But it's only disabled people, eh? so that's OK. Makes me furious.
Does anything really think he'd not have made such jokes if only someone had pointed out that it was wrong?

Devilishpyjamas · 04/04/2018 10:03

It's depressing that disablism is so tolerated and forgiven. It's always given the "they're an OK person really, they just don't know any better and need a little speaking to" treatment. Yes, it's good to try and educate people but some, like the OPs SIL, are just plain hateful and discriminatory. They're not OK people

Yup.

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