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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have stopped speaking to my SIL for this comment?

85 replies

thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 22:50

My SiL has always been a bit of a mystery to me, she's very moody and can be immature but she can also be great with my kids too.

However, recently I have stopped speaking with her and whenever she asks to come visit I make an excuse and say I'm busy. This is because she was sat in my house, as a nursing student, telling me about how she was working with kids in a special school who were 'cabbages'. When I asked her not to call them that she said 'oh I don't say it at work' and I said 'just don't say it anywhere' and she fake laughed and changed the subject.

I don't have any family of my own, my only family is my in-laws due to being in care previously. I have a rubbish relationship with my MiL anyway and I don't know, I'm feeling isolated like I'm picking off family members to not get along with but I feel she's gone too far.

Would you let this go or not?

OP posts:

Shockers · 03/04/2018 08:34

She was in a position of trust in that school- a place of safety and nurture for those kids. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel.

Devilishpyjamas · 03/04/2018 08:36

Flywheel - i’m not that fussed about language - but I am about attitude. The whole conversation as recounted sounds as if this young woman sees children with disabilities - especially severe disabilities as ‘less than’. I have no tolerance for that at all.

I find ‘cabbage’ repeatedly used as far more offensive than retard for that reason.

Devilishpyjamas · 03/04/2018 08:40

These ‘cabbages’ rely on those around them to keep them safe and that means the people around them need to recognise them as human and as valuable. Just as valuable as anyone else.

When your son is punched by carers you understand that.

If she’d said that to me I probably would have raised it as a safeguarding tbh. Because it is an incredibly dangerous atttude to have around very vulnerable people.

spacecadet48 · 03/04/2018 09:19

Interesting that your DH isn't mentioned. It's his sister after all. Have you discussed going nc with him?

Shockers · 03/04/2018 09:21

I don’t understand that question spacecadet; have I missed something the OP’s DH has said?

Shockers · 03/04/2018 09:22

Ah, sorry... I misunderstood! Getcha!

spacecadet48 · 03/04/2018 09:24

Shockers the DH isn't mentioned. Hence my question is whether the op has discussed going nc with his sister with him. Given it's his sister after all.

spacecadet48 · 03/04/2018 09:24

Haha shockers typing at the same time!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2018 09:27

Another vote for not cutting her off but pulling her up on it. ,y DMIL is obsessed with fat. Every time she calls someone fat or discusses being fat in front of our DC I pull her up on it. It’s tsken a while but she’s finally got the hint.

Juiceylucy09 · 03/04/2018 09:27

What a horrible comment. Yanbu.

I was talking to a friend s DD who started her work placement for social care in a disability center, when I asked how do you like your job, She answered in a similar horrible manner I was disgusted.

Bringonspring · 03/04/2018 09:27

Evil succeeds when good people do nothing. Educate her.

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 03/04/2018 09:37

I would tell her that kind of language wouldn't be tolerated in my house because it is derogatory and offensive. If she continues then ask her to leave.

Don't cut her off - educate her or she'll never change.

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2018 09:43

If you cut people off for something like this the you won't end up with many friends
Just tell her you don't Like that word. Your SIL is family and you have said you don't have much to call on.

ItsNachoCheese · 03/04/2018 09:47

Yanbu at all!!! My dn has severe disabilities and if anyone said that to me id happily go nc with them forever family or not

MonsteraDeliciosa · 03/04/2018 10:48

I'm totally at those who say you can't just cut people off or you'll be left with no one. Who wants a disablist arsehole as a friend or family member? Would you just tut and roll your eyes if they called their Asian neighbours "p*s"? Why should abuse of the disabled be OK? This was not just someone carelessly using an offensive word, it was abusing real people; real children.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2018 11:08

monstera i don’t think anyone was saying just to ignore it were they? I think most posters have said not to cut her out but definitely pull her up on it and let her know it’s not acceptable.

diddl · 03/04/2018 11:40

I rather no one than someone like her.

rach01pink · 03/04/2018 12:12

She sounds like an idiot. Better off without ...

BackforGood · 03/04/2018 15:25

@BackforGood- I did challenge her, my OP says how?!

I know. My advice was to "Challenge her at the time. Tell her you never, ever want to hear her using such awful language again. Then move on."
It makes a difference when you read the whole thing, including the bit where you tell her you never want to hear her using that language again, and then that you move on.

It isn't something to cut yourself off from family about. Apart from the fact that this means you are 'removing yourself' from family situations - why should you do that?? - it also means that no-one is educated and their language / use of offensive words sorted out.

Birdsgottafly · 03/04/2018 15:46

"she admits she started the degree without really knowing what a nurse does"

When I started my SW BA, there were Students who didn't fully understand the role of a SW. It didn't stop them becoming excellent SWs.

She is on a journey of education, if you see no change, then think about how you want your contact to go with her.

They cover correct terms and why language is important on the course (we had lessons with training HCPs). They also cover Professional behaviour.

I used incorrect terms, at one time. I'm 50, I've used very incorrect terms over my lifetime, as has nearly everyone, they've changed so much.

Cabbage came from describing someone in a Vegetative State. We know a lot more about conditions and brain injuries since then. But even HCPs used that term, once up on a time, like many others.

Depending on your background and school, you may never have learned any better. We shouldn't condemn people for that.

If someone continues with offensive terms, then yes, they should be judged.

Keep contact with her and challenge her.

MonsteraDeliciosa · 03/04/2018 16:02

Birds it's not a case of someone using outdated or offensive terms because they don't know any better; the OPs SIL said she'd never use terms like that at work, so she already knows that they're wrong and offensive.
She uses them anyway, showing her attitude towards the disabled children she works with.

ConkerGame · 03/04/2018 16:45

If you cut people out of your life every time they make an offensive or ignorant comment you’d hardly have anyone left! Much better to educate than cut off. It might not even be that she’s a horrible person, might just be a bit dim and not have properly thought through the implications of what she’s saying.

Not that this would make it ok, just saying that it would be an extreme reaction to cut someone out of your life forever for making some ignorant comments.

Much better to say to her “I’m not sure if you know but that’s a really offensive term and using it makes you sound very ignorant and prejudiced. We don’t use that word in our house and I especially don’t want the DC to hear it, so please don’t ever use it again or I will have to ask you to leave”.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 03/04/2018 17:00

She said something stupid, in what she thought was a safe space. You were absolutely right to pull her up on it, but never speaking to her again is a crazy overreaction!

Devilishpyjamas · 03/04/2018 17:14

I choose not to be around people with those attitudes. Not being disablist is pretty key to my values. So I wouldn’t see it as an overreaction. My 16 year old son runs a server and bans anyone using disablist language. It might be generally acceptable to be disablist in public but for some of us it is an absolute line not to be crossed.

Allthewaves · 03/04/2018 17:18

I would have just told her not to use it as it's so offensive and moved on. She sounds very immmature

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