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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my mother for repeatedly going on about how much prettier than me my sister is?

81 replies

mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 21:47

I know ibu, and probably immature but it's finally at age 42 really got to me.
All my life I've heard how much prettier and beautiful my sister is than me. Tonight my sister has posted a pic of her and her partner and sons on FB and my mother has once again gone over the top with comments about how beautiful she is. Fwiw she never has made any comments about my looks, either to my face or in FB. To add, neither me or my sis post look at me selfies or anything to social media.
For context me and my sister get on great, no rivalry or anything. There is no bad feelings between any of us and I get on well enough with my mum. My sister isn't really even closer to her than me or anything, I'd say it's we have a similar relationship with her. She doesn't favor my sis anymore than me, in actual fact we have always joked she favors our brother more as he got away with murder when we were young.
Over the years the gushing over my sisters beauty has got to be more and more! Maybe I'm just getting older and more insecure about my looks? Maybe she's making me feel not good enough? It's really starting to sting.
I don't want a big family fall out over it, I'm 42 ffs. So I need to get a grip or do a typical MN Nc?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 02/04/2018 21:50

You could ask her why? Did she make the comments to your face or on the social media post (so not directly to you)?

WipsGlitter · 02/04/2018 21:52

What does your sister think?

Going NC seems a bit drastic (unless there's a massive backstory).

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 21:52

It's not that she says I'm ugly or anything, but she never comments on my appearance, either on sm or to my face but really gushes about my sisters looks "you are stunning / my gorgeous daughter" etc.

OP posts:
iheartmichellemallon · 02/04/2018 21:55

That would bug me too Op, but unless you want to confront her about it, just do your best to ignore her. She sounds very thoughtless but not malicious from what you've said (but I agree it's hurtful nonetheless).

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 21:55

My sister laughes it off / dismisses it really. She thinks it's because she looks more like mum and I look like our dad, who she doesn't hate, but they are divorced.
No back story. But the more I think back the more I relalise it's always been like this even when we were both little.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 21:58

As a bit of a joke once me and my sis both posted our best selfie on FB within an hour of each other. Mine got a like from mum, hers got loads of gushing comments about how gorgeous she is etc. We laughed as neither of us are vain, it was more to prove a point really.
But it hurts. And the older I'm getting the more it seems to hurt.

OP posts:
iheartmichellemallon · 02/04/2018 22:00

In that case, could your sister not speak to her & tell her to tone it down a bit?

sockunicorn · 02/04/2018 22:03

In that case, could your sister not speak to her & tell her to tone it down a bit?

this! it must be awkward for your sister to be central to this (not through choice). So maybe she could have a word as this posted said

NellMangel · 02/04/2018 22:04

Yanbu. It's hurtful. I don't have same issue but my mum determinedly avoids complimenting me on my appearance. I'm not completely ugly, not a stunner either, but a "your hair looks nice" or something would be a nice boost when I've made an effort.

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 22:06

I actually feel embarrassed telling my sister / my mum knowing that I'm upset about it.
I mean surely you think all your kids are beautiful right?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 22:09

Exactly Nell! I don't even get a 'ooh your hair / dress / shoes / lipstick looks good. Whereas my sister is permanently being told how amazing she looks. Its like my mum wants to be here or is jealous of her maybe.

OP posts:
frieda909 · 02/04/2018 22:10

Have you achieved other things (in your mother’s eyes) that make you ‘better’ than your sister in other ways?

I ask because my parents were like this when I was growing up. I was very academic, and the eldest, and my parents seemed to constantly compliment my sister on being beautiful while never saying anything like that about me.

Eventually one day I got really upset and had a blazing row with my mum, during which I brought this up and told her that she made me feel so ugly. Her reply was that my sister would ‘have to rely on her looks to get through life’ because she didn’t have my brains Hmm

Just wondering if maybe your mum has decided that beauty is your sister’s ‘thing’ while you get something else?

(For the record, my sister went on to be very succesful academically and she now earns twice as much as me - while still being gorgeous of course - so my mum’s fears were unfounded!)

tillytoodles1 · 02/04/2018 22:13

Why don't you say "she's like Dad, I look like you".

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 22:15

Fair point previous poster, I was alway the clever one and she was always the pretty one. In reality though I think our academic achievements and looks are quite similar! But my mum still says I'm the brainy one and she's the pretty one.

I went to uni and she didn't, but she actually did better than me at GCSEs and A levels in terms of grades, and then did her degree through the ou as a mature student. I earn much more than her now but only because of the industries we work in (I'm HR manager and she's a teacher).

OP posts:
chocatoo · 02/04/2018 22:17

Might be interesting to post a photo of the 2 of you. I think you should have a serious chat with your mum and point out how you feel. She probably doesn’t realise she’s doing it.

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 22:18

Everyone always says she looks like her and I'm the spit of out dad. Different hair colour and build etc. She says my sis was the spit of her when she was younger - so maybe it's a case of trying to boast her own self esteem. For the record my sister is way prettier than my mum was or is. Not that I'd ever say that!

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 02/04/2018 22:25

Are you the older one?
I think she’s unconsciously “balancing” as other posters have suggested.
It’s annoying, my mum does it, but you just have to sigh and rise above it!

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 02/04/2018 22:25

Don't really want to post a pic, but objective people I think would say we were reasonably equal on be lols front, just different. I'm 42, she's 39 so not that much difference in age. We both take care of ourselves, hell I've even had Botox a few times!
She is very Marilyn Monroe looking - blond hair, big boobs, curvy womanly butt, gappy teeth, but she dresses quite plain I would say, I mean she's a teacher so not overly sexy or anything.
I'm more olive skin and brunette. I'm a size 8 compared to her 12/14, although I'm in proportion, so not too skinny or waif like. I have a much more adventurous style and always wear heels and glam it up a bit.
We go out together regularly and always have and have always had equal attention from men (not that it's what it's about, I'm just trying to draw a comparison).

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 02/04/2018 22:25

Post a pic of you and your Dad and put best parent in the world! Love my daddikins!

Then a pic of him with his grandkids and put best grandparent ever! Kids love him the best!

That’ll learn her

64BooLane · 02/04/2018 22:31

Oh wow, you need to get your sister to say something I think. This would really get me down.

She must kind of know - I mean, I’m sure it’s not actually intended to hurt you, but how could you not realise on some level that you were doing this? She must think it’s genuinely justified in some way. But ffs, what poor judgement.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 22:37

I actually would do as FishFace says.

Or with a grandparent.

Or with a BFF.

Or with sis.

Basically with anyone but DM so she gets a pang of how awful it is to do that to someone.

Bucky001 · 02/04/2018 22:38

Maybe your Mum actually thinks that you are the pretty one and constantly compliments your sister because she thinks she might feel inferior compared to you? Especially if you are the academic one as well.

My Mum used to outright ask me "why can't you try to look more like Kirsty", who was my best friend. Look like her, dress like her, be thin like her... I heard it all. I wish parents realise the damage they can do. I ended up with horrific bulimia and body image issues, even now, at nearly 40. Hope it's not hurting too much x

lunar1 · 02/04/2018 22:41

My mum is like this, my brother and I have always been put into boxes by her defining our behaviour and personality.

I was always the hard worker, my brother was the clever one but lazy. No matter how hard I worked I could never keep up with his natural gifts.

I could tell you a hundred other examples of her doing this.

Don't worry though, we have a pact, whichever one of us snaps first, the other will help burry the body.

SouthWestmom · 02/04/2018 22:43

Urgh. The only good thing of all this is you will have learned not to do it to your own children or nieces/nephews if you have any.

I was the plain clever one, my sister was the thick beautiful one. Ruined my self esteem, my sister hated me and behind the scenes my mum played us off.

My mum now witters on to my dd and dc about their beauty (dd has been scouted several times and needs this like a hole in the head; am trying to avoid banging on about being pretty) and it drives me nuts. What happens if they get acne or an accident or a scar?

Sorry op. Got a bit ranty. Clearly unresolved issues...Grin

Echobelly · 02/04/2018 22:44

Yeah, sounds to me like she's perhaps subconsciously taken on board this idea that you are 'the clever one' and she is 'the pretty one'. It is surprisingly common, sadly - I once started a discussion on another board about this sort of thing and I was amazed how many girls were actually told outright 'You're the clever one' (sometimes prefaced with 'Never mind,' in contrast to the 'pretty' sister.

Thing is, you can't change what people do really, only how you respond to it. I personally wouldn't say or do anything about it, other than just remind yourself 'Mum has this ridiculous mindset, there's nothing I can do about her being like that, but I know she loves me'.