To be pissed off with my mother for repeatedly going on about how much prettier than me my sister is?

[mrssapphirebright]

I know ibu, and probably immature but it's finally at age 42 really got to me.
All my life I've heard how much prettier and beautiful my sister is than me. Tonight my sister has posted a pic of her and her partner and sons on FB and my mother has once again gone over the top with comments about how beautiful she is. Fwiw she never has made any comments about my looks, either to my face or in FB. To add, neither me or my sis post look at me selfies or anything to social media.
For context me and my sister get on great, no rivalry or anything. There is no bad feelings between any of us and I get on well enough with my mum. My sister isn't really even closer to her than me or anything, I'd say it's we have a similar relationship with her. She doesn't favor my sis anymore than me, in actual fact we have always joked she favors our brother more as he got away with murder when we were young.
Over the years the gushing over my sisters beauty has got to be more and more! Maybe I'm just getting older and more insecure about my looks? Maybe she's making me feel not good enough? It's really starting to sting.
I don't want a big family fall out over it, I'm 42 ffs. So I need to get a grip or do a typical MN Nc?

She sounds nuts. And, yes, as Luna says, she puts you in boxes.

The bit about your brother sounds grim, too.

I wonder why she doesn't see you as fluid individuals, rather than 'the pretty one' or 'the brainy one'? i wonder if she finds the 'whole' of you (and your siblings) quite overwhelming? Some people find parenthood quite traumatic, I think.

It might be just that she has a very limited way of thinking generally, and can't cope with the 'too-much-ness' of reality and things. Or it might be something quite specific to parenthood for her.

Does she cope with change well? In general, and with you and your siblings?

Is she very anxious, generally?

My mum was like this.
She told my sister how beautiful she is and I was the clever one
By default I felt ugly and my sister though she was thick.
She never said we were these things and I suspect she thinks she was highlighting positive things without realising the impact.
I'd just ignore it.

Yeah my mum is like this too - but my sister is so much more prettier than me. I have a broken nose and pale skin, she has a perfect nose and only has to look at a picture of the sun and she gets a lovely golden tan!
My mum also came out with this line at our cousins (lets call her c) wedding last year “oh your dress was plain tinysarah, and C looks so much prettier than you did.” She never said anythig to me about my dress or if i looked nice. My sister, dad and husband all said to her what an insensititve thing to say. She has no filter in her brain. 1 year later still hurts me.

I never really understand threads like this; you say you get in well with your mum, so why don’t you just ask her? Say, I’ve just noticed you do this and I’m a bit hurt? I have a shit relationship with my dm (virtually NC) but I’d ask the question. Don’t be passive aggressive and post pics of your df, just ask her! Or are all ‘good’ family relationships based on not asking an even vaguely difficult question?

You’re only human OP, understandably this gets to you! It’s the same in my family although not so much re looks but Mum has a short memory of who’s been there for her over the years and who hasn’t but always makes a huge fuss of the ones that haven’t been there for her (and their kids) hard not to get upset and resentful x

Just tell her to stop it. Don't make a big deal of it.

I don't know why parents do this - it seems to come from a need to categorise people. My eldest sister was the 'beautiful attractive one' and it was said as if it was a given that no one could dispute 'Of course Sis is sooo attractive'. My middle sister was the 'sensible' one and I was the 'kind' one - result - my middle sister and myself have always considered ourselves unnattractive.

It is quite mad - but I might call her on it next time - I always said to my Mum that my children were a mixture of qualities and they were both equally wonderful to me. And if she ever tried to categorise them I'd correct her - can you set an example in references to your own children ? (if you have children - sorry have made an assumption there)

Thanks for all the comments, really appreciate knowing I'm not being petty. To answer some questions people have raised...

I do get on ok with my mum, although we are big close at all. Never have been. I'm quite private and we are very different. Yes, she is an anxious person, suffers from anxiety and depression. Shes not very self aware and growing up I know she felt inferior to her brother which is why I'm surprised she would want any of us to feel the same.
She's not like it with her dgc. I have a ds and a dd and my sis has two ds's. Bro doesn't have dc.

I'm usually very assertive and not afraid of confrontation but the thought of addressing her over this seems petty. I almost feel ashamed for feeling hurt, like I'm not a self conscious person really, but somehow that's how she's making me feel. She's always been the this way but it's just got to me more over the past few years.

I got married again a few years ago and she didn't even say I looked lovely or anything. I mean she was very happy for me etc she just didn't comment on my dress/hair anything! In fact she went on and on about how it was my sisters turn not mine ( I'm on 3rd marriage, sis never married) and how it was such a shame my sister hasn't had a turn in being in the spotlight and being a princess for the day/being a blushing bride.

That feeling of shame you've identified is interesting. It suggests that there is a dynamic in your family, or between you and your mother (and probably your other siblings) where you've been taught that your feeling of hurt (which is justified: who wants to be told their mother judges their appearance and thinks they're not pretty!) isn't an acceptable feeling. Shame both acknowledges your feeling of hurt and tells you that (other people) have found it 'wrong' and 'inappropriate'.

You can own that feeling. It's OK.

The other reason you might feel shame is because of another dynamic: it shows that you are hurt by your mother. Behind that might be all sorts of things. For example, perhaps there is a subtle dynamic of feeling that you are not entirely safe giving all your emotional well-being into the hands of your mother. So you are left with the technique of trying hard to care less.

You don't have to do that. You can accept that you would like care, and approval, and that it will hurt when/if you don't get that. But it is still OK to look elsewhere for intimate, nurturing care and to not look to your mother for that care.

I'm wondering if her 'box' thinking is actually a way of keeping you and your siblings at a distance. Who knows why? From this distance, it's all a guess.

It is difficult to confront these things with a parent head-on. Behind it might be a feeling that you are asking for 'care' and are worried that, in the confrontation - however kindly or thoughtfully done - the 'care' will be refused.

Anyway, that's all a guess - from a distance. Obviously, all you can do with it is read it, poke it around, see if any of it helps you in identifying things. You can use it to eliminate certain ideas, and maybe come to some ideas of your own.

Best of luck.

I once as a child asked my Mother why my edlest sister was her favourite, And she thought for a moment and then said 'because she needs me more'. It was telling that she didn't deny the favouritism. She was wrong - we did need her, but we weren't needy in the same way.

With your comment about the weddings, does your Mother somehow feel your sister has been hard done by in life generally and she has to make up for it ? Families are strange, I know my mother loves me, but I and my middle sister have always known we weren't the golden children and somehow accepted that as our lot. It is only when you get older and have your own children that some of the old hurts come home to roost.

The relentless thoughtlessness would piss me off!!

Did your mother ever suffer with her own self esteem? I wonder if she ever viewed herself as unattractive when she was younger so she goes OTT on your sister to make sure she doesn’t feel the same as she did since they look alike?
It doesn’t make it right but she might think that you don’t need telling as she sees your beauty as obvious but tries to bolster your sister just in case she feels as she did.
I could be completely wrong this just popped into my head as people are always telling me my DD (2yo) looks like me and I always think god I hope she stays pretty and doesn’t end up looking like me!

Wow thecatfromjapan u could be talking about my family there. I was always ashamed of my feelimgs. Donald winnicott could have based his theory on my mother. Interesting that u say it is a way of keeping people at a distance. My bro and i both single and i reckon our upnringing gave us both an avoidant attachment style. I want a relatiinship but it never happens.

Her behaviour is pathetic and hurtful. How dare she treat another sibling like that? Only you can decide whether you want to put up with it or not. You don’t have to.

Some really thought provoking stuff here, thank you all, it's been useful to reflect.
Yes, my mother did have low self esteem growing up, she was overweight (and still is) and was picked on for being so. She also felt inferior to her older, academic brother.
I don't think she thinks my sister is hard done by really. I mean, she's done well in life and is happy. We've both had ups and downs in life, but she's not the poor little sister or anything.
I've always been independent and I think my mum always hated how little I needed her growing up, but my sis was the same really.

Screen shot both posts and send them too her and ask why?

Interesting that you say you look like your dad but sis looks like your mum. A rather simplistic thought, I know, but it occurred to me that maybe all the gushing is because your sister looks like her.

Perhaps, rather than being about your sister... or you, she's just fishing for little compliments herself by making a fuss about your sister's.

"My beautiful daughter"

Hoping for "She's sooo like you, your double, etc, etc..."

As I say, pretty simple notion but just a thought.

Someone lacking self-awareness may not have the forethought to realise the implications or even consider your feelings might be hurt, thinking in terms of ego boost rather than comparisons iykwim.

I think it's thoughtless but she would be mortified if she knew it affected you.

My Dad does this. My sister and her child look "beautiful, lovely, stunning", her child is "clever, amazing, unbelievable," she and her husband are "fantastic parents and he is SO proud" blah blah blah. I never got so much as a "like". It's always been like this though so I blocked him and went NC after we had a big falling out over him shouting aggressively at my daughter. It's a bit sad but years of feeling second best was worse.

Do you think he regrets his behaviour, MsGame?

Well done for going NC.

Not if the letter I got from them full of blaming justifications and excuses is anything to go by. My Dad is not a man to admit when he's wrong

Sounds like you're well rid, sadly.

I have a DS 18 months younger than me and, in my teens, my DM was constantly complementing my appearance and saying how much I reminded her of various beautiful actresses and models.

She never once did this to my DS who went on to blossom at around 17 into the most stunning creature (I was told by a number of people that she was the most beautiful person they'd ever seen in real life 😬).

My sister is still gorgeous but suffers from very low self-esteem about her looks, so 'tries' very hard still.

I do wonder if a) this is a result of our DM never praising her, and b) if my DM was praising me all along to make up for the fact that my DS was actually better looking!!

Ha ha simlar problem here.. Were I feel constany=tly not good enough sly digs when we are all together. Mt mum is fine when its just me and her.. put anyone else in the room and Im either too loud, something I said was wrong. I shuldnt eat, drink that.. And noticibly lately 2 facebook posts. 1st was labelling her (my mum) ds and dn as princesses and another apologising for wanting to repeatedly slap my face cause I was always unneccessarily loud and always had a answer..
Yesterday Easter Sunday I finally had enough walked out and deleted myself from family groups..
I have resolved will see /would love to see my famiy but no longer at family gatherings.. Done with it all

*WOW
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Sounds like my Mum. For whatever reason, as soon as shes got an audience, she starts trying to criticise, belittle, mock and humiliate me. Always been the same. She'll tell anyone who'll listen what a "terrible" time she had bringing me up, especially my MIL. Apparently being a good student who never, ever got into trouble even once wasn't good enough. I never did anything bad - I just wasn't like her. I am like my Dad.

DM wasn't with my Dad when she had me, I never met him until I was 15 - for a number of reasons, she'd been told she was completely infertile so was a complete shock to find out after a casual fling that she was expecting. I don't really know what went on there, but her absolute favourite insult has always been something derogatory about my character preluded by the phrase "you're just like your father". Every time I see that side of the family she has to make a big thing about it and is really snipey and a right bitch. I finally reached the end of my rope last year and told her "If he was that bad, maybe you should have kept your fucking legs shut" - granted it's not the way one should be talking to their Mother, but it stopped her in her tracks and daaaaamn it felt good!

Your mother is basking in the reflected glory of her praise of your sister and her behaviour says more about her than it will ever say about you. It’s her insecurities speaking, don’t let it create or feed yours.