To be pissed off with my mother for repeatedly going on about how much prettier than me my sister is?

[mrssapphirebright]

I know ibu, and probably immature but it's finally at age 42 really got to me.
All my life I've heard how much prettier and beautiful my sister is than me. Tonight my sister has posted a pic of her and her partner and sons on FB and my mother has once again gone over the top with comments about how beautiful she is. Fwiw she never has made any comments about my looks, either to my face or in FB. To add, neither me or my sis post look at me selfies or anything to social media.
For context me and my sister get on great, no rivalry or anything. There is no bad feelings between any of us and I get on well enough with my mum. My sister isn't really even closer to her than me or anything, I'd say it's we have a similar relationship with her. She doesn't favor my sis anymore than me, in actual fact we have always joked she favors our brother more as he got away with murder when we were young.
Over the years the gushing over my sisters beauty has got to be more and more! Maybe I'm just getting older and more insecure about my looks? Maybe she's making me feel not good enough? It's really starting to sting.
I don't want a big family fall out over it, I'm 42 ffs. So I need to get a grip or do a typical MN Nc?

Parents of that generation do this sort of thing a lot. Not an excuse IMO, but it's common. My sibling and I were 'the easy one' and 'the difficult one' (guess which was which? )

Well done @bucky001 sontimes you just need to let that shit out 😊

*sometimes

My guess is that your Mum is projecting. She sees her younger self in your sister and is feeding the need she felt to be told she was pretty and just as good as her 'brainy' older sibling.

^ Thus.
I think your DM sees you and your sister as a reflection of her and Dbro when she was younger. You say she should be the last person to want to cause a divide given her own issues in childhood, but I wonder if she remembers how she felt and is trying to avoid it by over-praising your sister? In her mind you are the academic brother who gets all the praise, and Dsis is her, feeling left out and worth less and needing positive attention.

I've wondered if this might be a "thing" before, as I've seen parents who felt they suffered from a sibling's favouritism swing the other way and show favouritism to the one who resembles them, instead of the one they see as being more like their sibling.
Whether it's an attempt to avoid past mistakes, over-compensation or an attempt to boost their own ego via the chosen DC, I don't know.

I agree with the people saying this is about her. When she meets up with my sister she always takes loads of photos of her and plasters them on FB with captions like 'my beautiful daughter' etc. She never takes a single photo of me, let alone would put one on FB. Although she does take pics of my dc and comment how wonderful, amazing and beautiful they are.
Often her FB 'friends' will be like 'ooh your dd is so much like you' etc and she loves it. Even though my sis does look like her, she is like a younger, slimmer version of her. My mum is convinced they look like sisters.... Even though dsis is 39 and dm is 69!
Whereas she always says I'm like my dad. Which, if I'm honest isn't a bad thing as he's a handsome fella even now in his 70's. I don't in anyway look manly, I just have his features and his colouring ffs.

To be fair, she's not said your sister is prettier than you, she simply compliments your sisters looks and doesn't yours, which you're reading to say she thinks she is prettier.

I get why you're upset, but it could be something as simple as she thinks your sister needs the confidence boost and you don't and she's got into a habit of it. It could actually be if you told her this is how you're interpreting it she would be shocked.

@mrssapphirebright

Of COURSE YANBU. You poor thing. Sadly, parents favouring one sibling is common. I have 2 kids and have never and WOULD never favour one, and both of them say I have never done this. But I know many people who had a sibling favoured over them, some massively, to the point where it got so bad that they had to go NC with the parents.

It's often the boy that is favoured when there is just a girl and boy. Many women I know say their brothers were favoured.

Could you talk to your parents about it?

My mil is a bit like this. Between her and her DH, they have 6 sons, all married to attractive women, except my poor DH who drew the short straw! I am overweight and really quite average looking, but she's always gushing about how beautiful x or y or z are, or telling my DD how 'pretty auntie A' is. Drives me up the wall!

But I think she comes from a time where women's looks were more bound up in their own value of self worth, and even now she is very image conscious. So I think she sees the 'beautiful' DILs as somehow more successful. I think PPs have hit the nail on the head when they said it sounds like your mum is almost fishing for 'isn't she like you' compliments.

I've made my feelings on image clear to my mil though, as she started on my DD about how beautiful she is (and she is, but she was telling her in a 'ooh, you could be a model' way constantly ) so I have been careful to make it known that she is also bright, caring etc and that I don't think she is defined by her looks. She has calmed down a bit thankfully and is also more careful about what she says about the other DILs too. She's not a bad person, just of a different time I think.

@Bluntness100

To be fair, she's not said your sister is prettier than you, she simply compliments your sisters looks and doesn't yours, which you're reading to say she thinks she is prettier.

Gaslighting if I ever saw it!

Of COURSE she is favouring the sister and saying she is prettier FGS!

I think a lot of it is generational. Harking back to a time when daughter were largely judged in prettiness. That said, at a recent wedding the speeches just went on and on about how beautiful the bride was.

That said, at a recent wedding the speeches just went on and on about how beautiful the bride was.

What on earth is wrong with that?!

Are you the type of person who goes batshit if a man opens a door for you or says 'ladies first,' because it's demeaning and 'sexist?'

FGS.......

Your mum sounds s bit cruel. I would never not treat my daughters equally or make one feel self conscious.

It would be interesting to see if she did it if you and/or your sister posted a few pictures of both of you together. If she did, it would be very obvious to other people.

I think you should talk to your sister. I don't understand your reluctance, seeing as you've joked about it before. Just tell her that it's really getting to you now, suggest posting some photos of you together, and if your mum does her usual thing, your sister can then have a word with her.

You should just tell her you find it hurtful OP? You and your sister are obviously very different and I also think, as others have said, you remind her physically of your dad.

Speak up ! Let her know enough is enough.

I just don't understand any parent who would do this in such a shallow manner.

I realise I'm a lone voice here, but I think you are being too sensitive about this.

You have been married three times, are smart and well educated, very slim, now earning considerably more than your DSis.

In comparison, your DSis is almost 40, never married, heavier than you, did her degree through the OU and now earns a lot less than you.

I think she probably has her own insecurities, possibly voiced to your DM, and it is about your mother feeling the need to bolster her confidence.

A compliment to your sister is not a criticism of you.

Your description of yourself sounds quite glamorous. Maybe your mum doesn't think you need your confidence boosting in this area. Maybe your sister compares herself to you and considers herself less attractive, fatter, less successful.

You feel petty raising it because it is petty.

If you tell her to stop she will stop, but only because you've asked her to so you won't feel any better about the situation at all.

@RainyApril

Yes, this is exactly what I thought.

Mum is probably complimenting the sister because she thinks she feels inferior to OP and needs her confidence booster.

Are you the type of person who goes batshit if a man opens a door for you or says 'ladies first,' because it's demeaning and 'sexist?' ^

Nope. I'm the type of person who feels a bit sad that in 2018 the one thing they kept referring to was to how the bride looked. No one ever mentioned the grooms appearance. ^^

This has been such an interesting thread. Lots that seems worth thinking about in a general way even though I don’t have the same specific issue as you, OP.

I feel your pain. My sister is stunning and people are always like 'WOW' when they see her, which I can't help taking as an implied comment on my own plainness. I imagine your MIL doesn't appreciate the impact of her words. Unless she has form for being spiteful, she probably means no harm.

Thanks for all your comments, it's been quite thought provoking.
I don't think my sister is insecure really, she was when she was younger, but then so was I. I had bad skin, she has bad teeth - we joke now of course but neither of us were particularly stunning when we were growing up. Neither of us were particularly confident growing up either although we are both a bit more so now.
I def don't think my sister is jealous of me. We've both done ok for ourselves in our own field. I had my dc in my twenties so had a bit of a career set back then only working part time and having my dc only 2 years apart, whereas my career took off in my 30's. Whilst I was in my twenties my sis was living it up as the single girl and training to be a teacher, now she's in her 30's and with a dp and didn't have her kids til she was 33 and 35. So yea, now I am able to be a bit more 'glamourous' as a pp put it as my dc are teens now and I have the time, money and energy for me again bit she is time and money thin as I was when I was just starting my career and had two young dc.

She really doesn't have much to to jealous about really. I only earn more than her due to my industry and the fact that she's on part time hours.

She is actually the savvy one with money, she owns her own house outright, got a mortgage on her own young and is now paid off. Ok, it's a two up two down type of place so not a show home it anything but his is the reason she chooses not to marry her dp (that and a whole heap of other reasons that would be a thread in themselves).
I too own my own home, and ok it's a bigger maybe flashier house, but I too was mortgage free when my and my exdh divorced and we split our profit to go on and buy our own property. I now have a mortgage again as I wanted something in a more expensive area to be closer to work.
I guess what I'm waffling on saying is that it's really swings and roundabouts between us. There has never nene any jealousy between us, we are close and hang out all the time.
I have made comments in the past to my sis about mums comments hurting. My sis says she feels awkward and tends to roll her eyes about it and be like 'you know what she's like'. My sister also thinks mum sucks up to her a lot as she is more 'caring' and is likely to look after he when she is old then me and my bro. My sis thinks it's all a bit fickle. She also says that she thinks there is no real difference in our looks in terms of who is most attractive.
We have posted a few pics of us together on social media (not to deliberately goad responses from dm). She will always 'like' them or comment 'ooh have a great time girls/ have fun/ looks like you're having fun' type comments but not about looks or anything. I remember once my godmother commenting on a joint pic saying something like 'gorgeous ladies' or something and dm replied something like 'yes totally, must get it from me lol'.

You and your sister have done really well not to havd a competitive relationship. Your mother's parenting was a recipe for a competitive relationship between you two so well done.

Hmm, so she avoids commenting about your sister's looks on joint photos. That sounds to me like she's well aware of what she's doing, because she knows it would look off for her to gush about your sister, but not you. It would make it more obvious.

I think your sister should say something to her. If it came from you, she'd probably just dismiss it as jealousy, but she might take it on board if your sister spoke to her.

Ps i am not with my son's father as he was so abusive to me but i still know that my son who looks v like his father is gorgeous. They are two diffetent people. A generation apart. It isnt hard to feel gah when i see my xh and feel aw cuuuuuteness when i see my son who is v like his father. Never found that hard tbh

Thank you pp. I wonder now how much she has tried to play us off against each other over the years but we've always got on and never been jealous etc always been proud of each other's successes and been there for one another when times have been shit.

My sister thinks dm is jealous of our relationship. I know she always wanted a sister but presumed it was because she didn't get on with her brother. She missed doing girly stuff with her dm they weren't close. She always comments that we are lucky to have each other and I know she has felt out in the past when we have done stuff together like holidays, shows, nights outs etc.