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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please I really need help

90 replies

Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:28

Guys I do not know if this is the right board I really need some help from someone who knows about this sort of thing.
Dh has been arrested for assault on me.
I posted last night that I’d called 101 to report an incident of dv last Saturday. The reason I did that was to get it on record for if and when we divorce he can’t deny it happened.
They turned up tonight and have ARRESTED him and taken him to police station.
I refused to say anything tonight, gave no statement, said I would not be willing etc.

Fuck, what is going to happen now?

They can’t charge him can they? Is he going to loose his job? Fuuuuck, I’ve got nobody irl to talk to please help

OP posts:
Wellthisunexpected · 01/04/2018 23:30

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand. He assisted you, you reported it but now you are refusing to give a statement? Is that right?

If he assisted you he should be charged, you should give a statement and if he loses his job that's his fault not yours!

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 01/04/2018 23:31

He hurt you. Why shouldn't he be arrested?
What did you want to happen?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:32

I wanted a record made, I read on a women’s support website you should do that for each incident so when you divorce evidence is there.
I didn’t want him to get arrested.

OP posts:
Perfectdisaster · 01/04/2018 23:33

So did he assault you? Did he cause you to feel distress alarm or harassment? If so yes he deserves to be questioned by the Police?

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 23:33

He assaulted you and you need to get away from him . Please please give a statement , he needs to see you mean business. I think the police will still prosecute even without your statement though , I believe they do this now in assault cases . Please don't cave in now , he's a violent man and you need to protect yourself from him .

piercinggelo · 01/04/2018 23:33

What am absolute waste of police time and resources.

Surely you must have known if you report someone for a crime they get arrested Hmm

Honestly do you really think the police are there to act as secretaries so when you get divorced they just pull up some paperwork!!

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:34

Yes, he did grab me around the neck. We are planning to split up, and I just wanted this to be known.

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 01/04/2018 23:34

wanted a record made, I read on a women’s support website you should do that for each incident so when you divorce evidence is there.

You should have written it down then ffs. The police are not there to take notes for your divorce.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2018 23:35

Do you want to hurt you again?

Let the police do their job, he’s not above the law and you need to be safe from him.

Nixpix1 · 01/04/2018 23:36

So he hit you and you called the cops. U don't want him to be charged so u shouldn't have called them in the first place, simple much

HopefullyAnonymous · 01/04/2018 23:36

Technically the police can pursue a victimless prosecution in cases of DV, although it’s highly unlikely.

If you reported an assault what exactly did you expect?

Follyfoot · 01/04/2018 23:36

You did the right thing. Please stop doubting yourself. Him grabbing your round the neck is a really strong indicator that he is likely to do you very serious harm in the future.

Yes, they can charge him. I hope he gets convicted. That is what he deserves.

notapizzaeater · 01/04/2018 23:36

You have t made him get arrested - he has by assaulting you. Make the statement, divorce him and move on

Dragongirl10 · 01/04/2018 23:37

Op please take a breath....if your DH assaulted you, you do need to give a statement to the police, he will only get a warning if it is the first time he has been reported for assault.

He needs to be arrested.....HE ASSAULTED YOU...please do not minimise this, he will do it again.

None of this is remotely your fault or in your control, this has happened to you because of his actions, he is totally and soley responsible for all of this.......let it go, give your report, the truth, to the police and leave it to them to deal with him, he deserves all he gets...

I am surprised you are worried about him, if someone did that to me l would be beyond angry...how dare he assault you, there is no excuse please remember that....

Look after yourself.

HuskyMcClusky · 01/04/2018 23:38

I don’t understand.

You are getting divorced anyway, why are you worried about him being charged with assault/losing his job?

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 23:38

Have you got anyone with you , they have arrested him and you can't undo that now, you need a plan going forward . Splitting from a violent man is the most dangerous time. Do you think he will come back to the house , have you got somewhere to go for a while until things calm down ?

bluemoonchances · 01/04/2018 23:40

If the police have evidence that he assaulted you, such as witnessing any injuries you have as a result of the assault, or statement from another witness, they would be able to charge him without a statement from you . This was introduced to assist women who are too scared/vulnerable to give statements against abusive partners (and a fantastic piece of legislation I think it is too for DV victims).

The police will almost always arrest when domestic physical assault is reported. Too many partners end up seriously injuring or killing their partner. The police would be heavily criticised if they "just made a record of it".

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:40

I don’t want him to lose his job. Our children are in private schools and would have to leave it would be a total fuck up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:41

There were no marks to show them and no other statements

OP posts:
martinidry · 01/04/2018 23:42
  1. To grab a victim around the neck is one of the most dangerous signs possible. The police will know that. Women's groups know that. Health care workers know that. You should too.
  1. If you don't see this through he will think you are a walk over. He will come back and he will assault you again.
  1. See number 1.

You really really really need to give statements, cooperate with the police. You need to for your own safety and sanity. You need to before he really does you damage. Before you are unable to speak a statement.

FlashTheSloth · 01/04/2018 23:43

Oh well, as long as your children can stay in private school, never mind that he is an abusive prick. Tell the police your children's private school is more important than your safety and that you wasted their time by reporting this.

I've read on here that a man that puts his hand around a woman's neck is more likely to kill her.

bluemoonchances · 01/04/2018 23:43

In that case it depends what he says in interview. The police don't have discretion to make charging decisions for domestic violence so the case will be out before the CPS regardless.

HopefullyAnonymous · 01/04/2018 23:43

You’ve done the right thing, you just need to try and have the courage now to follow it through. Hands around your neck is a massive warning that things could escalate further in future. Keep yourself safe.

AgentProvocateur · 01/04/2018 23:43

He’s unlikely to lose his job unless it’s one that needs a disclosure certificate. Although, in Scotland at least, he can get prosecuted even if you won’t provide a statement. As he should.

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 23:44

Op , take a breath and try to calm down, your children's education comes second to your safety. Who cares if they're in private education, fat lot of good that will do if their mother gets seriously injured or God forbid worse.

Trust me things will work out , they really will but you MUST put your own wellbeing first.

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