Please I really need help

[Wallabaloo]

Guys I do not know if this is the right board I really need some help from someone who knows about this sort of thing.
Dh has been arrested for assault on me.
I posted last night that I’d called 101 to report an incident of dv last Saturday. The reason I did that was to get it on record for if and when we divorce he can’t deny it happened.
They turned up tonight and have ARRESTED him and taken him to police station.
I refused to say anything tonight, gave no statement, said I would not be willing etc.

Fuck, what is going to happen now?

They can’t charge him can they? Is he going to loose his job? Fuuuuck, I’ve got nobody irl to talk to please help

Glad you're feeling calmer OP.

Yeh his poor mother. Maybe he should’ve thought about that before trying to basically strangle you.

I don’t think you understand how serious this is. If he had squeezed, you’d be dead.

I’d take kids being in state school than in care because Dad killed mum.

This is the second time he’s assaulted you. You honestly think he’s going to let you leave easily? And what if a few years down the line, you argue over contact arrangements. Will it be your turn to get hurt or your daughters?

He tried to strangle you, you were scared and called 101 to log it (because you read on a domestic violence site that was what you should do).

If you were on a DV site then clearly its happened before mentally and physically I'm guessing.

He has been arrested because it's not a great thing to do to someone.

It is time for changes in your life which is scary but you will be fine and so will your DC. You are very vulnerable and scared right now and everything is confusing (rightly so)

You might think your DC don't know whats going on, they probably do, and they need for you and them to not be living with him.

Be strong and look forward to the life you will have. It will work itself out.

OP it's very normal for you to be worried about DC's school etc, as a mother your instinct is to want to try and hide events and keep life normal for your children. Unfortunately it is what many many women do when they've been subjected to violence in the home.

I really hope you can get the support you need going forward. It won't be easy for you. Hopefully this event will be the line drawn that ends the relationship, you can separate and keep a civil relationship fir the sake of the children.

Tonight will feel like a long night, especially if you have his mum there too.

Please just keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault. The police are involved because of HIS actions. Don't let him twist that.

Good luck to you.

ZoeWashburne makes excellent posts.

As this isn't the first time this has happened, and been arrested for, it's really only a matter of time before Social Services are notified.

OP, imagine a friend who had keys to your house, and access to your children strangled you. Multiple times. You are being dangerously cavalier with your safety and the safety of your children.

This will escalate. Many women who thought it was no big deal are murdered by their spouses.

For the sake of your children you need to get out now. DV is one of the most traumatic things a child can experience. You are being foolish to worry about present care schools but not the permanent damage you are doing to your kids by staying with an abuser.

OP, you are being naive and flippant with your behaviour to this. You are missing key warning signs that can progress to increasing levels of violence, and violent behaviour to your kids.

Can you imagine the emotional impact any of this will be having on your kids. Kids aren't stupid, they are very adept at reading little nuances in an encounter, or during a meal.

So by protecting your violently abusive husband, you are dragging your innocent children into it all. What will your stance be if he has you up again the wall, hands round your neck and the children witness it? Or if he hits/hurts one of the kids?

People like you who neglect to progress prosecution because they are trying to keep the family together cause two things. The first is if/when you split up he finds another woman/women and does the same to them. These kinds of men don't amend or stop their behaviour.

Men like this never, ever, change.

You have a chance to push the button on this. For you, and your childrens sake, do so.

Unless you want to consider the alternative here. You in a wooden box.

OP you have great advice here, please take it. Both for the safety of you & your DC

bluemoonchances
Are you feeling like hurting yourself? Why call the Samaritans?

If you mean that the Samaritans are only for the suicidal, that's a common misconception that's not true at all at all. The Samaritans are there to take calls from anyone in distress, anyone overcome by loneliness, anyone who feels they've nowhere else to turn. Wallabaloo, please bear this in mind. They won't give advice but they will listen for as long as you need them to. Good luck.

I’m worried their lives would have to change beyond recognition- mum and dad not together any more and ripped away from teachers and friends

Oh darling, if he kills you next time, that will happen to them anyway, but they won't have their Mum there to support them through it and they'll be reeling from grief and the knowledge that their Dad killed her. 2 women a week are murdered in this country and most of them are in your situation - living with a man who attacks them if they don't do as he wants.

Please listen to everybody here. Please make plans to leave this man, because if you don't, he may kill you. The biggest risk factors as to whether a domestic violence perpetrator will murder his victim, is that he says he will, or that he has choked or strangled her. It's a very strong indicator, please get the hell out, you're not safe there and without wishing to be alarmist, you have no guarantee that your children are safe either.

I do hope you are ok? Please let us know..

How are you today ? Have you heard from him ?

I hope you're ok, OP.

Please reconsider your actions, and make a statement to the police. You need protecting from your partner (I remember from your other thread that he's knocked you out before now, when you were pregnant--that's really terrible) and making that statement is the first step in doing so.

I know you're worried about your children's schooling but honestly, you staying alive is far more important and your partner could kill you if he carries on like this.

You deserve so much better.

Depends what you consider more important, private school or being safe. I know what most would choose

Isn't his mother the one you posted about on another thread the other day about your husband's exclusion of you from his bank holiday plans? How is she reacting to his arrest?

He sounded horrible on that thread and you mentioned his aggressive behaviour there.

You are seriously refusing to give a statement?

BTW I'm posting as someone who lived with DV for much longer than I should have done.