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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please I really need help

90 replies

Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:28

Guys I do not know if this is the right board I really need some help from someone who knows about this sort of thing.
Dh has been arrested for assault on me.
I posted last night that I’d called 101 to report an incident of dv last Saturday. The reason I did that was to get it on record for if and when we divorce he can’t deny it happened.
They turned up tonight and have ARRESTED him and taken him to police station.
I refused to say anything tonight, gave no statement, said I would not be willing etc.

Fuck, what is going to happen now?

They can’t charge him can they? Is he going to loose his job? Fuuuuck, I’ve got nobody irl to talk to please help

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 02/04/2018 00:01

If I don’t argue with him there is seriously no danger.

So if he ‘only’ is violent when you have a disagreement what on earth do you think his reaction is going to be after spending a night in the cells? Let the police help you otherwise I fear you’re not going to be safe when he’s released.

I have no idea why the forum you read said you could ‘just get something on record’ imagine you were a cop and had been told a man tried to strangle his wife, would you just have left him there with her?

AlpacaLypse · 02/04/2018 00:02

Tell the truth. Don't minimise or make excuses. That's the job of lawyers rather a long way further down the line. Oh - and I would much rather have been educated by a happy single parent at the local council school than 2 bitterly unhappy parents at the private one. Experience.

Elusiveone · 02/04/2018 00:02

He will most likely get bailed whilst the police investigate op. They might put conditions on him where hes not allowed near you or live at the same address for now. They will probably be in touch again for a statement then they will decide the next course of action. You did the right thing. He put hes hands around your neck. Ring the domestic violence helpline they will know what will happen next.

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 02/04/2018 00:03

I guess I must be so clueless. I should have told the gp as that’s a record. Blue moonchances - this has happened once before. He spent a night in cells and released without anything further, but I don’t remember if he was arrested at that time or not.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 02/04/2018 00:04

Can I just make a few points?

1- your husband will unlikely be given any more than a caution from the police, regardless of whether you now make a statement or not. And as harsh as this is going to sound, better he has a caution for grabbing you around the throat than serving life for murdering you. That really is a possibility. It ALWAYS gets worse.

To put his hands around your throat really is a different level of violence to giving you a slap, a nudge or punching you.

If the violence were to continue and just say he didn’t loosen his grip until you stopped breathing- you would have absolutely no say on whether he faced charges. Your children would lose their mother AND their private education. You need to think about the very real possibility of them losing you if you don’t leave NOW.

Second point- he is violent, i can’t imagine you’d want to put your children with him unsupervised? Even if you do- I can’t see him ever paying child support enough to pay private school fees. No way. People who grab their wives around the throat take far too much pleasure in punishing them for leaving.

Leave, but do it with your eyes open. He will not make it easy, sadly there is no easy option here.

GabsAlot · 02/04/2018 00:06

do u mean charge walla?

he was arrested if he was the cells

please make a statment they prob wont release him to his home adress anyway

Lalliella · 02/04/2018 00:12

OP I have reported your post because I think you are in danger and I think MNHQ can give you better help than the general MN community. And I think there are some victim-blamers on here who are not helping. Good luck.

AdoraBell · 02/04/2018 00:19

So he assaulted you before and spending a night in the cells hasn’t made him change his ways. That means he will not change. If you refuse to press charges this time then changing schools may be the least of your children’s problems.

Imagine them changing schools because their mother is dead. Imagine them changing schools because their father murdered their mother.

Speak a solicitor and your GP. Is there somewhere you can go tonight where you will be safe? If not then call the number up thread for Refuge. You need to get away from him now.

Intheblackhole · 02/04/2018 00:20

Hi Op. I'm sure this all seems scary and out of control but you have done the right thing. im not sure why you don't want to make a statement except that maybe it seems life changing.
I would reconsider making a statement.
Re calling someone - you can call the Samaritans to talk. You don't have to be suicidal. They will talk for as long as you wish. It seems like a good idea as you sound distressed,
Take care x

Intheblackhole · 02/04/2018 00:21

Sorry - that means done the right thing in calling police.

mammamiamore · 02/04/2018 00:22

Op - I agree with Lalliella and others who have been supportive.

You need help and now, tonight.

I was in the same situation as you with my ExH and was terrified; I didn't press charges and although I am now happily married to someone else, my nightmare with him continues.

Your husband is a violent man and you need to be brave and get away.

You have made the first step which takes alot of guts, don't stop now.

Those who are insinuating this is simple have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

Good luck and please please see this through

kungpopanda · 02/04/2018 00:22

How long ago was it that he actually grabbed you by the throat? If there is no evidence then all you will have achieved is to annoy him.

You've probably screwed any chance you had of getting yourself organised and out of there in a non-confrontational way by reportiing old stuff you weren't seemingly much bothered by at the time.

It would probably be wise to be somewhere else when he is released.

hungryhippo90 · 02/04/2018 00:24

I think our posts crossed, he’s been in trouble for this before?

Please, please either leave whilst he’s in custody, or speak with the police and whilst your at it, arrange for them to ensure he doesn’t come back to the house.

Please do this for yourself. If being arrested hasn’t changed him before, I don’t think anything will.

GnotherGnu · 02/04/2018 00:24

He assaulted you before, was arrested, and that hasn't deterred him from assaulting you again. You obviously can't rely on being able to avoid him becoming aggressive, and aggressive men always end up escalating their violence - particularly when their victim is making it very clear that she will not press charges. What's going to happen if one of your children argues with him? Are you OK with risking them getting assaulted?

Please make a statement and follow this through.

Bambamber · 02/04/2018 00:35

You say you are safe as long as you stay in agreement with him, your general safety shouldn't come with stipulations.

My ex escalated from grabbing me by the throat and pulling a knife out on me in the space of a week. He was only a danger when we disagreed, but unfortunately for me he would purposely find anything he could to disagree about just so he could justify hurting me.

Walkaboutwendy · 02/04/2018 00:36

You are understandably scared OP. It's a horrible thing to go through..if he has been been arrested before and has done it again then he is dangerous to you or others.

I think you are trying to run back to normality with the school fees issue but that normality could have cost you your life.

Focus on the immediate problem. Have a cup of hot sweet tea. Sounds like you are in shock. Is there anyone with you who can give you comfort? You're in shock and not thinking straight. Focus on the next hour and take it one step at a time. Be kind to yourself and remember it's not your fault, he has had choices all along the way.

To those berating the OP for wasting police time let's hope you never end up in such a vulnerable position. It's very easy to criticise in cyber land, remember there's a real human being at the other end of this thread who has had the rug pulled from under her world and is feeling vulnerable.

Fatandfrigid · 02/04/2018 00:39

Did you think that your phone call would simply be “logged”? ( a popular and bizarre notion often suggested on mumsnet)

If you are in the U.K. the police are obliged to turn up and remove the person who has been accused of domestic violence.

Your husband will be questioned. They need two pieces of evidence to press charges.
You saying he assaulted you is one.
If anyone witnessed it or he agrees he assaulted you , that’s two and he will be held in the cells and appear in court on Tuesday.

If he denies everything he is likely to be released but advis3d not to return to your home tonight.
Social services will be informed if your children were in the house at the time of the assault. If there are no other concerns about the children you will get a letter to that effect in a coup,e of weeks.

That’s how it happens in scotland.

I am sorry to say I know a bit about this stuff.

Can’t you see that it’s a good thing this has happened ?
We’re you there when they took him away ? What did he say ? Did he deny it ?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 02/04/2018 00:45

Yes h denied it he said I don’t know what you are talking about. Hopefully that’s the same in England as Scotland.

Yes it has made things come to a head. So that’s good.

OP posts:
Oddcat · 02/04/2018 00:48

The police should release him to another address , but do you think he'll come round to yours ? In my experience these men have such massive egos that they think they are above the law and won't do as the police tell him .

Fatandfrigid · 02/04/2018 00:56

Wallabaloo are you afraid that you calling the police will place you in harm from him ? Or might he get a massive fright and see the error of his ways ?
Or is it just more that you wanted to go about considering a split in a more softly softly way ? This is completely understandable.

Do you actually want to recover the relationship or had you come to the conclusion it was doomed?
Are you current;y home alone with your children and do you feel safe ?

The police will not release him back to your home tonight , if it’s the same as in Scotland.
I’m sorry you are going through this. You must feel sick with anxiety

fuzzyduck1 · 02/04/2018 01:11

I agree if you felt threatened then you should call police.
But the police like these sort of cases it’s an easy win for them a crime they can prosecute and makes there figures look good.

But you now worried that he will loose his job and your children will have to go to shock horror state school.

All actions have consequences but at least you’ll be safe.

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 02/04/2018 01:24

It’s not shock horror state school there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m worried their lives would have to change beyond recognition- mum and dad not together any more and ripped away from teachers and friends.
They are only youngz

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 02/04/2018 01:25

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand how awful it is to be really afraid.

When did he put his hands around your throat, was it recent?

Was that the first time he was violent to you?

Please take care of yourself tonight. Hopefully the Valium will make you feel a little calmer. Be careful and don't drink with it, even if you're tempted to have a glass of wine.

Are you frightened of what his mood might be like once he is released? Do you have anyone you could go to stay with with your children? That might not be something you can do, I realise.

If you have access to money, perhaps an Airbnb if you don't have family or friends to go to.

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 02/04/2018 01:27

Spoke to the DV helpline and she said it’s v unlikely they’ll do anything without strong evidence or my statement. Which I’m not doing I’m just going to walk.
I feel calmer now but this is awful his poor mother is here she is 76 and not in good health.

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 02/04/2018 01:30

Please try not to worry about school for now. You're upset and it's not going to help.

You can deal with the school situation at a later date. The priority now is your safety and wellbeing, so you and the kids aren't living uneasily with worry that he might flip and get violent again.

Unfortunately it is a big red flag that he put his hands round your throat. It's not that hitting you is okay but it's so easily to cause fatal injury by going for your neck. Your safety really needs to come first at this point.