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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please I really need help

90 replies

Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:28

Guys I do not know if this is the right board I really need some help from someone who knows about this sort of thing.
Dh has been arrested for assault on me.
I posted last night that I’d called 101 to report an incident of dv last Saturday. The reason I did that was to get it on record for if and when we divorce he can’t deny it happened.
They turned up tonight and have ARRESTED him and taken him to police station.
I refused to say anything tonight, gave no statement, said I would not be willing etc.

Fuck, what is going to happen now?

They can’t charge him can they? Is he going to loose his job? Fuuuuck, I’ve got nobody irl to talk to please help

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:44

I get it martinidry.

If I don’t argue with him there is seriously no danger. Easily avoided by leaving him which I am in process of doing

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/04/2018 23:46

Of course you need to make a statement. If you don't and he is simply released he will simply do it again.

RazzleDazz1e · 01/04/2018 23:46

@FlashTheSloth-your post exactly.Speechless.

Stay safe OP....this surely can’t end well unless he is held accountable for his violent actions...

Anythingforacatslife · 01/04/2018 23:46

He deserves to be arrested. And you should make a statement, he’s dangerous. Even if you leave without consequence he will go on to do it again, to someone else, with a possibly more serious outcome.

EssexMummy123456 · 01/04/2018 23:48

OP - I think you are upset and not thinking clearly.

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:50

I’m really upset I’ve taken a Valium and having constant diarrhoea

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallabaloo · 01/04/2018 23:51

I’m going to call Samaritans or someone else - who would know about this ?

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 01/04/2018 23:55

OP you were thinking that you'd have to agree to him being charged?

I think, in the nicest way, that before you get divorced you will need to talk things through with a friend so you're not completely thrown by all the legal things you will be dealing with.

He should be arrested and charged in my view but I'd be surprised if he was.

After divorce you will be looking to keep him away from the children I hope?

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 23:55

Op I've PM'd you

GreenTulips · 01/04/2018 23:55

If you report a crime then the person accused has a right to defend their actions. It's only fair the police make a full enquiry and not just take your word for it.

It's up to you to make a further statement.

Japanesejazz · 01/04/2018 23:55

He tried to strangle you? But there are no marks? You refused to make a statement? If you don’t argue there is no danger? Your are worried he will lose his job and won’t be able to pay the school fees? Take a breath and think about which of these points is the most important

HappilyHarridan · 01/04/2018 23:56

Call women's aid 24 hour helpline

SpringNowPlease2018 · 01/04/2018 23:56

For now, try the Refuge helpline
0808 2000 247

Rachie1973 · 01/04/2018 23:56

Wallabaloo
I’m going to call Samaritans or someone else - who would know about this ?

A solicitor.

Your husband assaulted you, now he's been arrested for it. That's how it works.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 23:57

Talk to Domestic Violence Helpline. I am not sure but the number could be 0800 027 1234

ZoeWashburne · 01/04/2018 23:57

A man that will hit you will hit your children. It’s time to put your kids first. Don’t worry about private school. Honestly, that will sort itself out. You need to make a statement and get out of the house. At least change all the locks,

There are countless stories on here of children of abusive fathers that went NC with their mums too for not leaving and subjecting them to this.

There is only one person responsible for this situation: your husband. No one has the right to hurt you or your children.

bluemoonchances · 01/04/2018 23:57

Are you feeling like hurting yourself? Why call the Samaritans? What information are you looking for? Regarding the procedure re him being arrested I can guarantee what I have told you is correct. I work in this field.
You need to calm down. If you chose not to make a statement that is your choice at the end of the day. But now the wheels are in motion with the police it is out of your hands.
If he had no previous for violence and admits what he has done , he'll likely get a caution. If he doesn't admit it and had no previous be be honest he probably will get away with it. As you wished it will always be on police record that he was arrested on suspicion of assaulting you.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2018 23:58

Haven't you already got an appointment with a solicitor in place?

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/04/2018 23:58

I can undersand your fear.

Its easy to sit at home and say what someone should do, but living that life is completely different.

If he denies it and you offer no statement then he is extremely unlikely to be charged. If he is then the CPS have to consider whether to proceed with a prosecution and with zero physical evidence and no statement from you, then again it is extremely unlikely.

On the upside, now he knows not to lay a finger on you again.

However....two words of warning re school fees. If you divorce (and I agree that you should ASAP) then although he may agree to pay the fees, he could well just not bother, same with maintenance, so start thinking now about a plan B for how you will manage and that does include moving the kids schools. Secondly, dont let him hold you hostage to the fees, otherwise you will divorce him but still be under his control. If he chooses to not pay them as a way of getting back at you then so be it, dont sacrifice your life and safety for a private education.

MyMagicStars · 01/04/2018 23:58

I think your children would rather move schools than end up with a seriously injured mother.

Mary1935 · 01/04/2018 23:59

Yes it's a shock when they get arrested. Was this the first time he's hit you?
You are better off out of it - they don't change. Mine was asked to come to the police station. He pleaded guilty, was charged, kept in the cells overnight and put before a judge in the morning. He was told not to contact me or come near the house. He was then charged with two counts of common assault, I have a restraining order issued by the court and he can't come back to this house which was his home.
It took my 10 assaults before I eventually went to the police - he wouldn't move out and he left me with no choice.
Despite how you feel you have done the right thing - if you haven't done it for you - then for your children. They do not need to grow up in that enviroment.
Take care.

Dragongirl10 · 01/04/2018 23:59

I second calling a solicitor, and Womans Aid.

Also he needs to know that assaulting you will result in him being arrested, do you really not realise how dangerous that is op?

KTheGrey · 01/04/2018 23:59

Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247. DV hotline.

Take care of yourself.

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 00:00

How is your kids going to private school more important than the fact that your DH could've killed you?
He still can,before you leave..then what?
Even if everything gets dropped,he keeps his job and you swipe everything under the carpet there's no guarantee he'll keep paying for private school.

Priorities...

Oddcat · 02/04/2018 00:00

He will probably be kept at the station over night, I expect he will get a warning this time and I doubt he will lose his job . You don't actually need proof of his violence to get a divorce , you just need to give the reason why you want one .