To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

Yanbu. You were excited for your own arrival and presumably their daughters were not on your mind at the time. I think she is projecting her own guilt onto you, I feel for her. It must be so very hard however, life doesn't stop because she thinks it should.

I think if you were to have asked her if she could go back and have a a healthy baby, she'd say yes. We all want healthy children but sometimes fate/life has other plans. I think she is struggling with her life. And as harsh as that sounds it's not your issue.

I'd apologize for any offense she took but leave it there. And I'd reconsider the friendship if it were me.

If you're genuinely sorry your friend has been hurt, tell her so. But everybody who has a child wants their child to be healthy. That's only natural. Your friend is very sensitive about this but you need to speak to her, listen to how she feels and explain how you feel.
If she's going to be upset every time someone wants a healthy baby she's going to spend a lot of time crying over it.

I don't understand why people so often prioritise being right over being kind.

Well he’s trying to make the op feel like shit after asking to explain what sex preference she wanted for her child and getting an answer he misinterpreted. Not exactly kind.

I've just re-read the OP and can't believe how rude the DH has been in light of your update. Accusing you of being disablist when you've been there for them and fundraised for their DD's chair is disgraceful. A poor reaction at times is forgivable but he's sat down and written out an offensive and rude email. I suspect he will be embarrassed when he's had some distance from it.

I would have compassion and certainly empathy for them but he's crossed a line. It's totally understandable that they are oversensitive and react badly at times but you are not the one who should be apologising OP.

Well he shou,dent ask such personal questions then. He was offensive to op, and assuming her attitudes to disability. I personally apologise for any offence and step back from them. So op meant to suck up this big offensive rant. This would just change how I see them.

It’s not about people being offended by everything, it’s about not having the decency to consider other people’s sensitivities even if you personally feel it’s an overreaction

And how are people supposed to know about 'other people's sensitivites'?. Have we to take this into account for all the people in life we talk to? We can't possibly know about everyone's 'sensitivities'.

You're not going to wish for a disabled child are you. Obviously you wish for a healthy child.

Tell her to fuck off and stop being so stupid

My baby wasn't healthy. She died. I would think nothing of your comment. IMO your friend overreacted but all you can do is apologise for unknowingly upsetting her. You can't gain the moral high ground here I'm afraid.

the lady you were talking to seems to be v upset by her child CP. My son's Dad has CP and his life is full.

Wow I'd never thought about saying that could offend someone. I agree with pps that yanbu, you obviously want a healthy baby & didn't mean to upset them OR insinuate anything about their child. Just apologise for any upset you may have caused.
I wonder how she'll be if/when they visit you once your baby is here?
You did nothing wrong.

My 12 y o has severe autism. I didn't wish for it (neither did he) but would I get upset by someone making a standard comment to what is pregnancy small talk...no. She seems to be coping badly with her DD disability.

She is being ridiculously overly sensitive. Of course we wish out children to be healthy and happy. It doesn't mean we won't love or want one who isn't. And "Disabled" isn't synonymous with "Unhealthy".

Having had babies which haven't survived pregnancy, I am 100% with anyone wishing for a healthy one that does, because it's pretty fucking shit when they don't.

I think YANBU, you gave an answer to a question which is asked of pregnant women everyday. Your friend is hypersensitive, due to her child's condition, however I really don't think you've done anything wrong.

I feel a bit sorry for the wife, in the event she knows nothing of her husband's capers.

Yes, she was unreasonable and reactionary. But she wasn't unreasonable and reactionary with the OP. And fuck, if you can't have a good wallow in the comfort of your own home, surrounded by the 4 walls and only your husband, where can you have it??

There's nothing to suggest that the wife even knew about, far less sanctioned, her husband running off at the mouth to her friend in a text message.

There is nothing to suggest that the wife would ever have told OP she was upset by OP's comments. She might simply have been intending to have a good cry and then forget all about it, as most people do when they realise they've overreacting to absolutely nothing.

He's the one who created the issue. And even if he feels that he is perfectly justified and entitled to an apology (on behalf of his wife?), there is way of going about telling someone that they have offended you that doesn't involve egregiously insulting your wife's good friend who has supported you and helped with your fundraising efforts.

YANBU, you were asked about your preferences and of course you would prefer a healthy baby to one that was poorly or disabled. That's the honest truth. It doesn't mean that disabled babies aren't valued or whatever your friends DH is saying.

It's a common response to the boy or girl question anyway.

I wouldn't pander to your friend being over sensitive TBH. If pressed, I'd say you didn't mean to offend but it may be better just to leave it until its blown over.

YANBU!!!
I have a disabled DS with Down Syndrome and autism, he has health problems related to Down Syndrome, what you said would have gone over my head, it was a bog standard response to an age old question, totally not an issue.

I don't think they have come to terms with their DD having CP which is not your problem.

For the record I wish my son didn't have DS or autism. With a disabled child comes huge worries, daily life is hard enough to cope with and the future is a scary prospect. I'm a single parent, when I die my DS will go into residential care, he will not be able to live independently, I'm terrified of abuse and people treating him badly, he's very vulnerable. I almost hope I outlive him so i can ensure his whole life is as happy as I can make it.

Most people would trade their disabled DC in for the same child but without the disability.

There is no need to apologise and I would distance myself from them.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a beautiful healthy bouncing baby!

I agree with the PP who said that probably the friend had no intention of ever telling the OP she was so upset. It probably triggered the memory of herself looking forward to having a healthy NT baby, and brought back her feelings of sadness.

It was the husband who ought to have kept his mouth shut. This is not really about the OP, it's about their own feelings about their own situation.

And I also agree that a child with Downs it CP can be completely healthy.

My DS1 has complex disabilities and was in NICU for the first 4 months of his life. I had a friend - note the past tense - who was pregnant with her third when my DS was approaching 3 years old. It had been clear from the very beginning that he had many difficulties and she knew all this. Her two elder children were both perfectly healthy and had no disabilities.

Off she went to her 20 week scan and was told that there were possibly some problems with her unborn baby's kidneys and that this could potentially indicate additional problems. She told me quite casually that she didn't really fancy having a child with disabilities as it would be too much work, so she didn't really mind if she miscarried or actually she might just go and have an abortion.

Now that was offensive. Incidentally the baby was born absolutely fine and healthy but we're not friends anymore; I just couldn't continue with the friendship.

OP, I can totally see why your friend is upset but your comment was a perfectly fair response about your hopes for your own baby, not her little girl. I don't think YABU.

You're fine OP. You can't ALWAYS have other people in mind at all times. Don't apologize, you haven't done anything wrong. Seriously, the way things are going people are better off not talking to each other altogether since everyone is so bloody sensitive.

You gave a response that any pregnant woman might give. You were not to know your friend would take it the way she did. I don't think you need to apologise for what you said at all.

Oh god catkin now that was awful, I am not surprised your not friends with her anymore, dig think I could be with that disablist attitude. Now op did not exactly say something like that. I wonder if friend knows her DH ran his mouth off at you

Well, OP has clearly stated she did know didn’t she? So it’s not like she was unaware.

this is a question that nearly every pregnant woman is asked at least once, and your response is the one that most women will give. I wonder if they have had problems recently that maybe make them more sensitive, and I also think its unlikely that she would have told you, more likely she was talking to her dh about her sadness. You having said what you did may have reminded her how she felt during her pregnancy, her hopes and dreams for her dd.

I would be upset if I hurt a friend, so I would probably message her and say I was very sorry that I upset her, the comment was simply your wish for your child. I would also email her DH saying the same but also saying that while your comment was accidental with no intention to hurt, his comments about your attitude to disability were deliberate, offensive and designed to hurt.

Unless you are a complete idiot , I don't think anyone sets out to intentionally offend anyone but we all say things sometimes without thinking . It would be impossible to remember every single persons sensitivities, dislikes, trigger points. I think that if a person knows no offence was meant, then they should let it go, or give a gentle reminder , not go off in the deep end.

YANBU. They have totally overreacted and if they were your real friends, they wouldn't have sent you such an awful email in the first place (although I wonder if the wife knows...). It's a perfectly normal response to that question and if something like that makes her cry for an entire night, then she's going to find life hard going.