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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
maygirl27 · 01/04/2018 16:39

The message he sent sounds pretty spiteful and unnecessary. YANBU.

seven201 · 01/04/2018 16:44

I think you should apologise for causing upset. You didn't mean it maliciously but you still upset your friend. If I were her I'd have been hurt too. I probably would have gone home and had a cry at dh. Maybe her dh felt you should know but your friend has no idea about the email.

liquidgold5 · 01/04/2018 16:46

No don't apologise for upsetting them. It's not your fault they are super sensitive.

EasterBunBun · 01/04/2018 16:46

You made a perfectly normal, offhand response and your friends have taken it inappropriately as a direct offence to them out of context. They are understandably sensitive and defensive of their child but it s not unreasonable for anyone to want a healthy child, whatever this may mean to the individual - it doesn't mean you have antipathy towards their child.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 01/04/2018 16:49

I think she is being over the top. My eco friendly child was born with a complex heart condition with no cure and was up to her wether she survived or not. She held on long enough to be considered for transplant and thankfully and luckily she is still here thriving after recovering a new heart. I would like a third child and have been asked what I want and all I want is a healthy child. Nothing else matters and I just want any other children I have to be healthy. Anyone taking offence to that is ridiculous. Especially since they know how hard it is to have a disabled child.

Cornishclio · 01/04/2018 16:50

Yanbu. Every woman wishes their baby is born healthy but that does not mean they do not love them or value them if they are born with a disability. Also, being disabled does not necessarily mean the baby is not healthy and will not live a rich and rewarding life. I expect even your friend and her DH wished the same but it does sound as if they are struggling with the demands of their daughters disability and their expectation of the sort of life they wanted her to live.

I don't think I would apologise and in fact I would be cross about their assumption of your attitude to disability and would question if your friendship can survive this. You can either respond saying you did not intend to upset them and your natural wish for a healthy baby in now way was intended to invalidate the life of their daughter. You can say you are sorry they are upset in a very quick email and not elaborate or you can respond saying you are offended at their email and their assumption of your attitude to disability. It depends on how close you are and how willing you are to continue with this friendship. Having a disabled child does not give you carte blanche to say what you like to others or take offence at a completely natural wish to have a healthy child.

Alb1 · 01/04/2018 16:50

I think they over reacted. In my last pregnancy I new my baby would have problems as she had a heart problem but I still responded 'I don't care as long as it's healthy' to that question, my baby before her was stillborn, so I said healthy to make a generic comment but I meant 'couldn't care less, I just want the baby alive', and probably because of my experience I would probably assume most people just meant alive really!

However having a baby (and child I imagine, I'm just not in that situation) that has complications is very difficult so I can see why your friend could have struggled. Hopefully they calm down and realise they have over reacted

QuackPorridgeBacon · 01/04/2018 16:50

Second* not eco friendly. She’s far from t with all the packaging for her supplies lol

Witchend · 01/04/2018 16:53

I can see why you're friend is upset although I think she's been a bit overractive to it.

But I do think your title makes me wonder if there's more to it than you've said. You think she's being ridiculous. No, she isn't. You upset her about something she is naturally very sensitive about, and I would hope you could empathise with the situation if you are her friend and understand that it is hurtful for her, much as you didn't mean to hurt her.

Because something is a standard response, doesn't make it less hurtful. When I was pregnant with dc3 someone asked the same question and when I said we didn't know replied with "as long as they have all their fingers and toes". Again a standard response.
But dc2, who they are fully aware of, is missing her hand. So it was hurtful, it felt like they were saying "you don't want another one like dc2". I don't think they realised, nor did I say anything, but it didn't stop the hurt I felt as how they clearly saw dd2.

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 16:56

Now I’m torn. I’d decided to contact my friend and apologise, not for what I said, but that she was upset by it.

But what if she doesn’t know her dh has emailed?

I’d quite happily lose him as a friend as, tbh, we only really tolerate him as he’s married to her, he’s not someone I’d choose independently. Quite bullish and self righteous- the type of person that states an opinion as fact and that’s that. I’ve reread the email numerous times and it does read like his words and not hers - not as if he was writing it on her behalf iyswim.

God what a mess.

I think I’ll just not say anything for a while and see what she does - if she contacts me as normal then it will be obvious it’s him and not her that is demanding the apology in return for their ongoing friendship. I don’t know.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 01/04/2018 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 01/04/2018 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gingertam · 01/04/2018 16:59

I definitely wouldn't apologise. To be honest I don't think I would even reply. Can't believe he sent such a nasty email to a pregnant woman. I would also question if I even wanted to be friends with such over sensitive people. Yours was a standard answer to a standard question. Everyone wishes for a healthy child when pregnant. Why do some people have to make everything be about themselves?

Cornishclio · 01/04/2018 16:59

How old is their DD? If relatively recent maybe their over sensitiveness to your comment is a reaction to the shock of their baby being born with CP?

Their reaction could be construed in much the same way some women who have had multiple miscarriages/infertility problems feel resentful of women who seem to have no problem having children. A mixture of jealousy and guilt and numerous complex emotions often kick in when the future does not look how you hoped or wanted it to look like so there is a period of readjustment. Maybe they are still in that phase although if you have fund raised for a wheelchair presumably it was a few years ago?

Congratulations on your pregnancy anyway and hope you and your friends can move past this.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2018 17:00

Then op, I would contact her, as it seems to be coming from him. Give it a few days, pick up the phone and call her.

KTheGrey · 01/04/2018 17:00

So if you'd said "boy" that would be invalidating their daughter because she's not one, right? And sexist? Sounds unusually loaded for party conversation.

Husband sounds like he's got limited emotional literacy and is struggling to support his wife and child, saw her crying and wants someone to blame. Apology is a bit of a red herring if that's the case.

His email is the only wrong doing here, and it seems really sad.

Gitfeatures · 01/04/2018 17:02

I don't think I would want to be friends with someone who decided to read so much into a throw away comment in order to think the absolute worst about me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2018 17:06

Gitfeatures I agree.

OP, ignore the frothing on here. You haven’t done anything wrong. It was a truly horrible and hurtful email. Focus on your pregnancy and the kind people in your life.

Wdigin2this · 01/04/2018 17:08

I understand that it may have upset your friend, but they're both being a bit OTT here! You said what everyone says, and that doesn't mean you wouldn't love your baby...whatever! It was a throwaway remark, but, if you feel you want to say anything maybe along the lines of...I'm sorry if what I said offended you, I certainly didn't intend to, but you must know that my remark was a normal response to the question of what gender would you prefer. If you feel that you don't want to be friends anymore, I'll be sorry to lose you but, please know, I didn't intend any disrespect to you or your child.

Wetwashing00 · 01/04/2018 17:09

how long would you wait? If she doesn’t contact you as normal you have then not responded to the email and she possibly could think you don’t give a fuck.
Not sure that explaining that you thought her husband had emailed you without her knowledge would back you up really.

You should respond to him, he is likely to ask her if she’s heard from you since the party, if she says no he could then mention the email.

Topseyt · 01/04/2018 17:09

Contact your friend if you want to. If her husband wrote that on her behalf and without her knowledge then that is his problem and he will deserve everything he gets.

If DH had written and sent anything on my behalf that I hadn't sanctioned then I would want to know about it.

You can be sorry that she was upset and still say that you are also confused and upset by her DH's offensive email calling into question your attitude towards disabled people when you have tried hard to be as helpful as you can be with the fundraising for their DD.

You haven't made this mess. Your friend's motormouth DH has. If she doesn't know then I wouldn't think twice about dropping him in it, to be honest. As I said, he would thoroughly deserve that.

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 17:09

Their dd is 9. She’s a wonderful little girl who goes to a mainstream school. She’s really strong willed and doesn’t let anyone get in her way of what she wants. She’s obsessed with monster high dolls and all things Halloween and creepy. Everyone she meets is soon wrapped around her finger.

OP posts:
Iluvthe80s · 01/04/2018 17:09

Yanbu you do not owe an apology for your comment
You could express c0ncern to your friend that she was upset by your comment that many make when asked the same question . Desiring a healthy baby is perfectly normal but does not mean the love and affection you feel for her daughter is reduced in any way.

jacks11 · 01/04/2018 17:10

Huge over-reaction from your friend and her husband.

*So saying you'd like a healthy baby (which is not an order but a wish) now invalidates the lives of every unhealthy baby ever born?

Cause, you know, it's sort of what you wish for, a healthy baby. Sometimes you don't get your wish, and that is shit, but it doesn't mean other people are now no longer allowed to wish for healthy babies*

^ totally agree with this.

I think I would reply something along the lines of "i'm sorry that this upset you, it was absolutely not my intention. However, wishing for a healthy baby is normal and in no way invalidates the life of your daughter". They'll either get over it or they won't, but I'd give them a wide berth for now.

kimanda · 01/04/2018 17:15

Galadrielsring

Your friend is being ridiculous, so YANBU.

Everyone I know says 'I don't mind as long as it's healthy.' when some asks what gender of baby they will prefer.

To guilt trip you and make you feel like shit when you are 4 months pregnant yourself, is disgusting. She should be utterly ashamed.

I would tell her she is being a bitch, you are not apologising to ANYone, and you don't want to be her friend any longer if this is how she treats you. Some friend SHE is!

You owe NO-ONE an apology! Don't say sorry to anyone!