Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
QueenieBuchanan · 01/04/2018 14:41

Y obviously doubt mean TBU but I think you owe them an explanation

Topseyt · 01/04/2018 14:41

I agree totally with Penggwn. That would be my likely response too.

I would text both of them with it. I would add onto the end too that you absolutely do NOT appreciate the comment about your attitude to disability and hope that they will retract it. I wouldn't care less whether or not she knows he sent it. He was having a go at you for apparently inadvertently causing offence, whilst being extremely offensive and disrespectful himself. It also makes him appear ungrateful about your efforts to help fundraise for their child.

I don't think you said anything wrong. You gave a standard answer to a standard question.

diddl · 01/04/2018 14:45

It is a standard answer-but it's a daft one really as if asked about a boy or girl there's no need to qualify the answer with "as long as it's healthy".

Of course it doesn't invalidate their daughter's-or anyone elses life, as Op is wishing for health for her own baby.

CookPassBabtridge · 01/04/2018 14:45

Totally out of order. I wouldn't respond at all.

Doubletrouble99 · 01/04/2018 14:46

I have two adopted children who then turned out to have a myriad of disabilities. I have had numerous daft things said to me in the past but I haven't dwelt on them and certainly wouldn't be offended if you had said that you wished for a health child. I wished for one too, it's only natural. She is definitely being over sensitive in my opinion.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2018 14:46

Actually her husbands e mail was much more offensive, than your mundane comment to a question he asked. That rant would really put me off, I would expect an apology from him.

peacheachpearplum · 01/04/2018 14:47

So if you'd have said 'I am really hoping for a boy' would they have taken offence because you were invalidating their DD as she is a girl? But she didn't say she was hoping it was healthy, the equivalent would have been saying, "It's OK as long as it's a boy." There is a difference. We know that she meant she hopes the baby is healthy but that wasn't what she said.

OP as I said earlier I offended someone in the same way, I apologised for upsetting her and that I hadn't intended to.

I know someone who was desperate for a girl and she would say, with all six pregnancies that were all boys, "as long as it's a girl." It was sad as she would say it in front of her sons who would get sad as they knew they had been disappointments.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2018 14:48

diddle that is what most pregnant women respond with, not just op.

TitsNnails · 01/04/2018 14:54

I'd have been more worried if you said "I'm really hoping for a disabled baby with poor health. Such fun." They are definitely unreasonable. I'd ask them what they wished for their unborn child and ask why you would wish any different.

diddl · 01/04/2018 14:54

"diddle that is what most pregnant women respond with,"

Yes I know-it's what I meant by "it is a standard answer"!

NWQM · 01/04/2018 14:56

My truthful answer to the question of 'is she being ridiculous' is 'a tad'. You've used a very common response to a question that really no pregnant woman should be asked. I'm personally not sure that it is exactly offensive to anyone but nevertheless someone who you are friends with has found it upsetting. I'd just apologise very simply. I sure that in the long run you will free sorry that you have upset her if it might mean the end of the friendship so a simply sorry would perhaps sort it.

Tistheseason17 · 01/04/2018 14:59

You said, "healthy baby" - not offensive, biog standard response

You did not say, "healthy baby, without CP like yours". I would remind them of the words you used.

I would also be pretty peeved I was accused of being disablist by wanting a healthy child and as @PeerieBreeks said, disabled does not mean unhealthy. There has also been a PP with CF who has advised how amazingly health she is.

Did any of your group of friends recoil in horror at your response? I doubt it. YANBU and they are being over sensitive.

Up to you if you want to address or ignore, guess it depends on how much you want to see them again? I'm not sure I'd be keen on someone accusing me of being disablist...

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2018 15:07

I am sure when she was pregnant with her dd, they hoped for a happy and healthy baby.

SickofThomasTheTank · 01/04/2018 15:07

Yanbu at all, I would reply something like
*
"Firstly I owe nobody a big big apology and I won't be issuing one. I was asked a question and gave a fairly standard answer. There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy baby, everybody wants health and happiness for everyone that they love, if they don't get it then of course you love that person irrespective of their disability but it is absolutely fine to want the very best, including health, for your children. I won't be issuing an apology"

I think he is a cheeky fucker and stirring shit*

THIS!!!!!!!^^

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/04/2018 15:17

AS is a useful tool.

yakari · 01/04/2018 15:20

Hmmm see i'd take a step back - has anything recently happened, doctor appointment, new tests? If they've not been overly sensitive before and yet reacted yesterday to a fairly glib comment, I'd be asking why?
Sometimes context changes and what would have been passed off at one time, will create a reaction at another.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2018 15:22

I feel sorry for the friend who is dealing with difficulties. but the husband is taking his aggro out on you and has made horrible assumptions about your attitude to disability.
Someone asked you an intrusive question about your pregancy and you responded with the standard reply everyone uses. It was not said to them, or directed at them. And also you are not being unreasonable to wish the best for your child.
I do think you need to respond and put him right so that he doesn't get away with spreading this rubbish about you. What a cheek. Maybe a separate and kind response to the friend (she was upset for whatever reason and she is not responsible for her husband, she might even be embarrassed about his email)
However, the husband sounds like he wants an arguement so word this very carefully things in writing can be read aloud in a very different voice than intended.
Was this an evening when you first announced your pregancy to the group? What a response! Hopefully your friend will accept your sympathy and the husband will calm down.

PlumsGalore · 01/04/2018 15:23

The comment would have been fine had your friend not been there but I do think it’s very insensitive to say such a thing when you knew she had a disabled child.

t1mum3 · 01/04/2018 15:24

Bloody hell. Is there no empathy left in the world? All the people calling him a cheeky fucker or suggesting you cut contact, do you not possess an ounce of emotional intelligence? Yes, his reaction was too much but I don’t think he’s doing it just to be an arsehole. Can you not empathise with their situation? He doesn’t have to be right for it to be understandable and I’m pretty sure his reaction wasn’t just because he was bored and fancied winding the OP up.

peachgreen · 01/04/2018 15:25

I don't understand why people so often prioritise being right over being kind. Yes they overreacted. But their feelings are real and they have had a life-changing experience which it seems they're still coming to terms with. If it were me I would happily and readily apologise for upsetting them by being a bit thoughtless in my reply.

Urubu · 01/04/2018 15:25

So if they were expecting another child, they wouldn't wish for him to be healthy? Hmm

tinytemper66 · 01/04/2018 15:26

I have a disabled son and one who is healthy and has no disability. I have always said I want a healthy baby, that it all that matters [rather than having a boy or a girl [one of each] etc] This doesnt mean I think the son who is disabled is worth less in my eyes etc. I just wouldn'tt have been able to cope with two children with disabilities as my first son has physical and learning disabilities.
Perhaps OP meant that rather than being offensive.

S0upertrooper · 01/04/2018 15:27

@Esker I'm so glad you joined the convo. I was thinking if the friend who was upset was having a second baby, would she wish for a healthy baby? I suspect she would. OP I don't think your comment was insensitive and I don't think it invalidates her DD (but clearly she does) I also wouldn't assume that someone with CP or other disabilities was necessarily unhealthy but growing up with a houseful of full on epileptics has maybe influenced my views on disability and what is considered healthy. Incidentally, I was the 4th DC, the only one who wasn't epileptic and my DM was desperate that I wasn't.

I hope both your pregnancy and Eskers goes well 🌸

FancyNewBeesly · 01/04/2018 15:28

Saying “I just hope it’s healthy” is a very different statement to “I don’t mind as long as it’s healthy”, especially to a parent of a disabled child. Lots of people talking in the abstract about how it shouldn’t bother them, with no understanding of how it feels.

It’s not about people being offended by everything, it’s about not having the decency to consider other people’s sensitivities even if you personally feel it’s an overreaction.

Sweetpea55 · 01/04/2018 15:30

Shes a bit sensitive isnt she, Why should she take an innocent comment personally. Of course you want a healthy baby ,Iv heard this comment said before by mums..Saying it doesnt slight her and her daughter.
Perhaps she's envious of your pregnancy and that you will have a good outcome,
Its sad for them and their daughter,but they should realise that the life goes on and healthy babies will be born..They cant take offense at every comment that doesnt suit them.