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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2018 14:14

I didn’t intentionally want to hurt her and don’t like the thought that I caused her tears That's because you didn't cause her tears. Her current inability to cope with her life burden did that.

As I said earlier, chances are that you won't be able to fully repair this. She has taken offence and she may never be able to get over it. But you are NOT responsible for that. That is her response to her life and, sad as that is, it is not your doing and not your responsibility.

Good luck working out a way to deal with it!

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 14:14

Also good point about her not knowing her dh has emailed. This is entirely possible. And I am of course angry about the comment regarding my attitude towards disability but tbh i can see that was probably just said in the moment.

@T1mum3 I also declined t21 screening for all of my pregnancies.

OP posts:
Avasarala · 01/04/2018 14:15

YANBU.

If you'd said "I want a boy" would she have been offended because she has a girl, and go "so a girl isn't good enough for you?".

Everyone wants a healthy baby, but that doesn't mean you won't cherish it if something is wrong, and it doesn't mean you don't cherish your friends children.

I'm sure when she was pregnant, she was wishing for health children. Doesn't mean she loves them any less.

I think you need to reply and say you understand why she took it that way, but the honestly, you havn't said anything wrong. Everyone wishes for a healthy baby, it would be madness not too, but that you will love your child no matter what, just like she has, and that you love her children and admire her for coping the way that she does.

Then let them decide if they want to be sensible, or continue acting odd.

CapnHaddock · 01/04/2018 14:15

Oh, you're one of those people who don't think they should apologise for upsetting someone.

category12 · 01/04/2018 14:16

"Sorry I unintentionally hurt you - it was a pat response to the boy/girl question, which I didn't think about the implications of for you."

abilockhart · 01/04/2018 14:16

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Is there any possibility it is a completely misguided April 1st joke?

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 14:17

Oh, you're one of those people who don't think they should apologise for upsetting someone.

A neighbour was once upset because I'd removed the tarmac from my front garden and replaced it with flowers and plants. Should I have apologised for that too?

Just because someone is upset does not mean anyone else is obliged to apologise. OP gave a perfectly normal and reasonable answer. Her friend has a disabled child and now no one on the planet can say they wish for a healthy child because that's disrespecting the friend's child? How do they even arrive at that conclusion?

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 14:19

CapnHaddock

There was an OP who posted last night about her sister screaming abuse at her because OP is pregnant with her third child and the sister could only have one.

I bet you're the type of the person who would expect that woman to apologise to her sister for upsetting her by having a third child.

MargaretCavendish · 01/04/2018 14:19

I’m not sure about apologising as I’m not sure what I said warrants it.

You may be technically right that you don't 'need' to apologise. But you can prove you're right, or you can be kind - why would you choose not to make a friend feel better in this situation? What will it cost you to apologise?

TenancyTroublesAgain · 01/04/2018 14:20

So because you want your child to be healthy it means you have an attitude towards disabilities? Fucking hell.

I can see why are they sensitive but geez.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 14:21

Oh, you're one of those people who don't think they should apologise for upsetting someone.

I have CP. I'm cut to the utter quick by the posters on this thread conflating CP with unhealthiness.*

I demand they get down on their knees and apologise, whether they think they're wrong or not.

*I couldn't give a rat's arse.

Yogagirl123 · 01/04/2018 14:21

I think what you said was fine and pretty much what any someone would say given that question. You certainly weren’t being insensitive in my eyes. Why on earth has the husband emailed you?

If it was me I would leave it a few days and then contact your friend to say you are sorry she was upset etc, NOT apologising for what you said. If this is a friendship you want to continue? You may find if you feel you are so worried about what you say could be misconstrued it may not be worth the hassle.

Good luck OP.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 01/04/2018 14:22

I have a disabled child, not once has it ever crossed my mind that I’m upset by someone else’s desire to have a ‘healthy’ child. I hoped for the same during my pregnancy, DD’s disabilities aren’t what we’d hoped for but I’d never berate someone else for dreaming of nothing else than a healthy baby.

windchimesabotage · 01/04/2018 14:22

margaretcavendish it may seem kind to take responsibility for something you have not really done but in actual fact it does tend to make the whole problem worse because someones extreme reaction gets validation when it shouldnt.
I think the OP should apologise for having unintentionally caused pain but she should not take on the mantle of having been disrespectful or saying something genuinely offensive.

Hygge · 01/04/2018 14:23

I don't think you were being unreasonable and I don't think you owe them an apology.

Due to my own history, if anybody said to me that they wanted a healthy baby I'd assume they meant they didn't want to lose the baby or have to terminate for medical reasons. That's what a healthy baby means to me, one you get to keep.

I absolutely wouldn't have been offended by your comment.

Your friend sounds difficult and hard work, and they've had an extreme over-reaction and been really rude to you.

I used to say we didn't mind, but one man kept asking all the time, every time he saw me, so in the end I said I wanted a girl and he was horrified and said "You can't say that!" and I replied with "Well, you asked" and he never asked again.

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 14:23

@capnhaddock I don’t want to apologise for the words that I said as in the context it was said and meant I think there was nothing wrong with it, it was a throwaway comment but I stand by it as it’s true.
If she were to ask me if I meant what I said the answer would be yes.

So for me to apologise for saying it would be patronising, and untrue. I don’t want my baby to be unhealthy, or disabled. Doesn’t mean I won’t love and look after it if it is.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 14:23

But you can prove you're right, or you can be kind - why would you choose not to make a friend feel better in this situation? What will it cost you to apologise?

1). Because the text didn't come from the friend.
2). Because the husband sent "a massive long email" about it.
3). Because the husband took the opportunity to insult the OP quite spectacularly.
4). Because they are totally unreasonable (this is the very least of the issues - see above).

CapnHaddock · 01/04/2018 14:26

What Lacu? No I wouldn't.

They're upset and they have overreacted, I agree. They have a child who presumably has quite severe CP if she has an adapted chair.

But it wouldn't kill the OP to say that she's sorry they're upset. That's all. A bit of a compassion wouldn't go amiss.

Poptart4 · 01/04/2018 14:26

YANBU, they are definitely over reacting. I would respond with :

I'm not going to apologise for wanting a healthy baby but I am sorry my throw away comment upset you as that was not my intention. You know I love (child's name) that's why I've spent so much time and effort helping you fundraise for her. To accuse me of having a disgusting attitude towards disabled children is deeply offensive and I if that's how you really feel then maybe we shouldn't be friends.

t1mum3 · 01/04/2018 14:26

OP, I’m sure you are not disablist at all and the husband was wrong to say that to you. But.. at some level your remark could be taken as meaning you are wishing not to have the life she has. I would talk to her not the husband. Your remark obviously triggered a great deal of pain for her (totally unintentionally).

MakeItRain · 01/04/2018 14:29

Maybe you could reply along the lines of "I'm sorry to hear that x is upset, my comment wasn't intended to offend anyone. I'm just so shocked and upset that you feel I'm disablist. I love your little girl and would do anything for her. I can't imagine how you could both believe I feel otherwise from all the times we've all spent together. Perhaps it would be better to speak rather than email as I value x's friendship and hope we can get past this awful misunderstanding."

gooseygoosegoose · 01/04/2018 14:29

It was a throw away comment. Massive over reaction.

My dd was born healthy. Nothing you would pick up on. Perfect little baby, no noticeable health issues until 7 years of age, when it came about that she has a genetic disorder that will effect her for the rest of her life.

Even babies born healthy, aren't necessarily healthy. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The constant worry, the guilt and pain you feel for your child, the appointments, the uncertainty for the future.
I hope your baby is healthy op.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2018 14:32

I agree with you op, you said what most pregnant women say, mabey you know that her dd has CP and could have said something like, we want a surprise, but mabey that comment about what you are having caught you off guard. It was very heavy handed from your friends husband, I would apologise for upsetting her, but it would put me off them a bit. Afraid of walking on eggshells. When I was pregnant with dd, I wanted a happy healthy baby like all pregnant women, in time as she developed, we discovered she had Autism and Learning difficulties, and developmental problems. I would not be offended by your comment at all. It should be taken in the context it was asked. Mabey her H should not ask those sorts of questions, if there is any possibility the person might say something wrong.

DarkRosaleen · 01/04/2018 14:38

Are these friends part of the perpetually offended brigade?
My nephew is disabled, will never live an independent life, but all of his family especially his Mum and Dad, wish health to all unborn babies.

SickofThomasTheTank · 01/04/2018 14:40

How ludicrous!!!!

So because their child has Cerebral Palsy, you're 'not allowed' to wish good health on your child?

Madness

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