To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

Galadrielsring

You gave the most common answer to one of the most commonly asked questions when you're pregnant and they want an apology? Really? 🤔 They are being completely ridiculous and looking for reasons to be offended.

My God I have literally heard it all now. YANBU.

If they're your friends just apologise. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why they might be sensitive and therefore upset by your comment.

The posters suggesting you approach with I don't owe anyone an apology I wonder if you actually have friends?

I wouldn’t be apologising. I also wouldn’t bother with them in the future.

As I’ve said, I’ll apologise that she’s upset but not for what I said. I value her (not her dh) too much as a friend to fall out over something so insignificant. Plus I love her Kids and I know she loves mine and I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them again.

I wouldn't apologise, I would say something along the lines of 'I was answering an awkward question, i didn't mean to offend anyone with what I said'
From what you have said, their daughter sounds fine! She may have CP but she isn't unhealthy it also isn't your fault that she was born with it, and they would've wished for exactly the same as you before she was born.
I have nursed people with it who have lived into their 70's, that doesn't sound unhealthy to me lol. I think he was being over sensitive.
I would message/ speak to her directly and see if she knew anything about it. If my husband had done what he did I would be mortified!

He should apologise to you for speaking so aggressively, are they aware they world doesn't revolve around them? What a pair of brats. Steer clear in future.

I have a child with disabilities & I understand that often people give a stock response without properly thinking things through. As PP have said we would not have wanted our children to be born with disabilities but now realise what enriching lives they can lead. However it sounds like her response was way OTT & that she perhaps needs some professional help to deal with her own feelings.
Depending on how close you are to her perhaps you can discuss it with her. I am not sure that an apology is the way to go.

She's totally over reacted !!!! I've got a severly disabled child with CP amongst lots of other things.
I would never be upset by that comment but it does depend where she is in her journey. If the child is still young it is difficult. You mourn for the child you don't have but we're expecting.
DS is 8 now and tomorrow I'd take away his painbut I would never take away is disabilities as he would be a different child and love love the one I've got!!! even if he never sleeps

As a disabled person myself, I wished for a healthy child. Who doesn't?

So if you'd said 'I want a boy (or girl)' would you have invalidated the lives of all the girls (or boys) born to everyone else?

How does that work?

I'm a bit torn as to if I agree or not tbh.

On one hand yes I do think it's a standard answer & I realise you didn't mean any offence at all.

However OTOH if you know this friend well enough that you have email addresses etc then you obviously knew they had a child with cp then I think you could of answered differently.

I'd just email back & say it was blown out of proportion, you didn't mean any offence & offer an apology if you value her friendship

I would bypass the DH completely - who knows how much of his rant is the true story. Contact your friend in a few days and find out if she was aware of the email or it’s content.....she may well be embarrassed.

It could be related to a bit of envy at your pregnancy and your perfectly reasonable comment being twisted out of all proportion.

If it seems that she is genuinely hurt about your comment, I would be tempted to ask: ‘but surely you said the same during your pregnancy? ’

As someone who has been through infertility and been upset in the past when hearing about my friends' pregnancies or my SIL's pregnancies, I'd actually have been absolutely mortified if my DH had sent a ranting email about how I was feeling. Because I really wouldn't have wanted them to know. It wasn't their problem.

From what you've said OP, sounds to me very much as though the 'D' H is jealous of your friendship with his wife. You mentioned he 'likes to prove himself right' and has more than likely created this situation to put a wedge between you both.
Tools like this will often big themselves up in a 'look at me fighting your corner' way. (Even if she hasn't asked him to !) In a way to try and invalidate your friendship and make himself look like some knight in shining armour..

Speak to her without him around. You will more than likely find a completely different story and a mortified friend.

The OP wasn't even responding to her friend though; they overheard her response to someone else and chose to be offended. Perhaps they shouldn't listen in to other people's conversations.

There is nothing wrong with saying you want a healthy baby. People with CP aren’t inherently unhealthy. It’s a long term non progressive medical condition not an illness. I am perfectly healthy but I do have moderate CP, they are not one and the same.

Don't worry op. Its what i used to say too. When i was pregnant with number 3 i was hoping for a girl after having 2 boys. It would have been wrong to say oh yes i want a girl wouldn't it. Can't win.

I agree that your friend was upset and sounding off to her hubby and probably has no idea that you know!

I'd speak to your friend and make sure that she's okay, you sound like a lovely friend.

I do think that you friend must have been upset and mentioned it to her dh, otherwise how would he have known? I also think it was most likely that she didn't intend you to know she was upset, She is from what you say a close friend, so message her and say i'm sorry I upset you with my comment

Very insensitive of you and amazed you are even asking!

Care to elaborate YeahILoveSummer ?

What would your response to that question have been?

There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy baby. The idea it is wrong to want a healthy baby is quite crazy. It doesn't mean you don't want your own baby if that baby is not 100% healthy.

I had years of secondary infertility but I still hoped for a healthy baby/child.

Is OP not allowed to hope for a healthy baby yeah? Do you imagine the friend didn’t hope for the same with each of her pregnancies?

Sorry if my post was incorrect regarding children with CP being unhealthy. I teach someone with CP AND a compromised immune system which I thought was related to his CP but maybe it’s not.

However OP I still don’t think you did anything wrong at all.