Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 01/04/2018 18:05

If you'd said you wanted a boy would she have cried because that made her feel that her daughter's life was invalidated too?

Firstly, the level of sensitivity around the two issues is completely different and you're being wilfully dense in pretending they're equivalent. Secondly, actually, I do think it's a bit off to go on about how much you want a child of one sex to someone who has the other. There's a woman in my antenatal yoga class who goes on endlessly about how much she wants a girl to everyone, including the mothers of boys, and I don't think her comments make anyone cry - again, very different level of sensitivity - but I do think she's a twat.

MrsDilber · 01/04/2018 18:06

I have a severely disabled son, needs 24 hour care. If I'd asked someone if they'd like a boy or a girl "I don't mind as long as it's healthy" is a pretty stock answer and I wouldn't be offended by it.

Given that she was offended, I'd email a friendly email, explaining that your intention was never to upset them, that it's a generic statement that just rolled off your tongue without even thinking about it.

Best not fall out. She might be struggling right now, take the high road.

Good luck with your baby. Exciting times ahead.

jacks11 · 01/04/2018 18:13

MargaretCavendish

Ok, fine- agree OP doest sound like she is personally having problems directly relating to her pregnancy. But the DH owe an apology IMHO. You can let someone know they have caused upset or offence without throwing insults around. He has escalated this , not OP. And he has deliberately set out to hurt/be very insulting to OP- saying that she is prejudiced about disabilities based on this ONE comment, despite being a supportive friend for a long time from the sound of things. Including taking part in fundraising for her daughter. Not something someone who is hugely prejudiced against disabilities would do.

Although not necessarily applicable to this case, I think you do have to be careful when apologising for upsetting someone when, after reflection, you genuinely don't actually think you did or said anything wrong. I do understand the "better to be kind than right" argument. But admitting being wrong/taking responsibility for other people's over-reaction can set a precedent that no matter what, you'll always be expected apologise for upsetting them. And it can validate feelings of upset/distress/offence by confirming that they are right to be offended or upset. They don't have to examine their reactions to try and move forward because they have basically been told they were right.

I think it is better to say "I really didn't intend to upset you- surely you can see that? I care very much about you and your DD- which I hoped you knew as I have tried to be a supportive friend. I do hope to have a healthy child, this is normal, but will love my baby regardless- just as you do. My hopes for a healthy baby in no way invalidates your lovely daughter's life. I am upset that you have accused me of being disabilist, which I think is unfair and I am deeply hurt that you can accuse me of this". It's acknowledging they are upset without suggesting they are right to be so.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/04/2018 18:14

It's exhausting living in today's society where you must think about every individual human being in the world and the myriad of factors that may or may not make up their life before you open your mouth to speak.

There's a strong element of narcissism to all this.

Hotdoggity · 01/04/2018 18:15

Presumably if your friend were to fall pregnant again, she would wish for a healthy baby.

MargaretCavendish · 01/04/2018 18:16

It's exhausting living in today's society where you must think about every individual human being in the world and the myriad of factors that may or may not make up their life before you open your mouth to speak.

There's a strong element of narcissism to all this.

I actually think it's quite narcissistic to complain that other people's feelings are just too much exhausting work for you.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/04/2018 18:17

the type of person that states an opinion as fact and that’s that

Yep, that tallies with what I thought. The type of person who "says it how it is" happily offending people left and right with "the truth" is usually also the person who is ridiculously thin skinned about any perceived offense their way.

t1mum3 · 01/04/2018 18:17

Are you very close OP, and is this your first baby?

BrendasUmbrella · 01/04/2018 18:19

I actually think it's quite narcissistic to complain that other people's feelings are just too much exhausting work for you.

i spent a good chunk of yesterday listening to a female friend worrying that their child may "catch" autism from her FIL and have a hard life. I have autism. I managed to not take it personally. So, no I don't think I'm a narcissist?

Ellendegeneres · 01/04/2018 18:22

I absolutely think the husband owes you an apology and not the other way around.
I think you waiting to see if you hear from her as usual is a good idea too- if so, you could later bring it up over coffee in a ‘about the email from your husband... I do hope you didn’t take my saying I hope the baby is healthy as a personal dig, you know how much I love dd and it wouldn’t even cross my mind...’ way. That way, if she didn’t know about email, she does now. If she did, she can see the sincerity with which you say it.

Incidentally, my ds1 was born immune compromised. In and out of hospital, many many admissions. When I was pregnant with ds2, people would ask me what I was hoping for and I’d say ‘ah as long as it’s healthy, don’t want this one going through what ds1 did’ or along those lines. This occurred many times, to parents with kids that were healthy and some who had kids in similar situations to ds1- how I worded it was because there was a small chance that it was genetic, so it was a worry for me. But nobody took it as anything other than a mum to be expressing how she felt after the question. Incidentally, I wanted a dd this time. What I got was my perfect ds2 and wouldn’t change him for the world!

MargaretCavendish · 01/04/2018 18:23

jacks11 I don't think I really disagree with you - although I would say that I was sorry that I unintentionally upset them, otherwise I think your message is completely fair and reasonable. What I find off about this thread is the many posters who have essentially called the very upset mother in question a drama queen, told OP not to bother with her at all or to consider herself some sort of victim of a great injustice, etc. And while OP has later said she is upset/worried about her friend, her initial post contained no concern at all for anyone but herself. I guess that's what I meant by just trying to be a bit kinder - to at least try and see things from the other person's perspective.

puddleduckmummy · 01/04/2018 18:28

I'd contact your friend rather than her husband. Say it had been brought to your attention that she was upset by your answer to a question regarding your unborn child. Was this genuinely the case? And take it from there

PhuntSox · 01/04/2018 18:34

I wouldn't reply to the husband. I would take the friend out to lunch and have a chat with her.

t1mum3 · 01/04/2018 18:39

@margaretcavendish This

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 18:52

@margaretcavendish I agree about my opening post - I’d not long received the email and tbh it put my back up a bit, but I’ve calmed down the more I’ve thought about it. Am am worried I have genuinely upset her - there’s nothing worse than the thought someone doesn’t like your child and I suppose when you have a child with a disability it’s even worse. My friend has had to fight hard for things like getting her into school and dealing with her dd not being included but through all this I’ve been by her side rallying her on, so for her to think I’d be so blasé about her daughter cut deep.

@t1mum3 we’ve been friends for over 20 years - not besties but we’d count each other as close.
It’s not my first baby, no. And she has dd and 2 younger dts.

I’ll call her in the week and see what’s going on. I will apologise if I upset her. I won’t be calling her a bitch (although if I did, in normal circumstances she’d laugh and say something like ‘I know you are but what am i’)

OP posts:
Fizzyknickers · 01/04/2018 18:56

This is insane!!

I’ve got a child with CP. and it would never even cross my mind to think you were being unreasonable. Her OH is being a tool!

Flobalob · 01/04/2018 19:07

I have two disabled children and wouldn't have even thought twice about your comment. It's a standard throwaway line that you say when you don't want to state a sex preference. I would take it to mean "as long as I get a live baby at the end of it, that's all I care about". They are being ridiculously over sensitive so don't take it personally.

If you want to keep the friendship I would send an apology saying you certainly didn't mean it like that and are very sorry. You definitely didn't mean to imply that you didn't want your child to have a disability, it was more "as long as they are born alive, then you're happy". However, profuse apologies for any offence caused.

If they still have an issue then ditch them!

Ski40 · 01/04/2018 19:18

I think your response was fair enough and pretty standard though I can see how it would have been a painful reminder to her.
However they are being pretty rude on their reaction and I would question a "friendship" where there are going to be email rants and threats every time they don't like your wording. A quiet word from her a few days after would have been a much more mature approach. Husband needs to butt out with his threats, imo. Xx

0hCrepe · 01/04/2018 19:25

It’s a standard response but I have in the past thought but what does that mean for a baby that isn’t healthy? You would love it just as much!
Your friend had probably had a few drinks and was feeling sensitive. If it were me I would apologise.

winterisstillcoming · 01/04/2018 19:36

I'd be pretty hurt that my friend had taken offence at one comment without putting it into the context of your friendship and positive relationship with her child.

I would apologise and say you didn't realise that she had such sensitivities about her child's condition. She obviously is having trouble dealing with it. Maybe she is having a particularly rough time of it and your comment was the last straw, or she is unhappy at the thought of another friend having another healthy child and she is finding it hard to take.

Any genuine friend would want you to have a healthy child despite their own circumstances.

opionated · 01/04/2018 19:38

id explain that someone with cerebal palsly is not a bad thing but naturally parents would want children without an injury. the same way me saying i hope i dont get cancer is not invalidating the life of my friend who has cancer.

bbcessex · 01/04/2018 20:01

Hi OP

his email sounds like a drunken, irrational rant. He was very wrong to approach you in that way on behalf of your friend.

Your refusal to believe that you could in any way be wrong or in a position to comfort your friend isn’t great either.

It would be very, very simple to call or text your friend, saying ‘your DH says I’ve really upset you.. I’m so sorry, that was never my intention, you know how much I think about you and your DD’.

If she doesn’t know he’s messaged - she needs to.

And yes, saying “I don’t mind as long as it’s healthy” is absolutely a bog standard line that is often rolled out, but anyone with an ounce of compassion could see how it could make someone sad if one of their children was born with challenging conditions.

bbcessex · 01/04/2018 20:07

And another thing.. you mention her DD is 9.. as she gets more toward secondary school age, your friend could be feeling more concerned about her DDs future.

She could be facing emotional struggles you aren’t aware of. Kindness & compassion don’t cost much .

If it’s a relationship you value, i would speak to her sooner rather than later x

peacheachpearplum · 01/04/2018 20:13

And yes, saying “I don’t mind as long as it’s healthy” is absolutely a bog standard line that is often rolled out, but anyone with an ounce of compassion could see how it could make someone sad if one of their children was born with challenging conditions. I agree and it hadn't occurred to me but when it was pointed out I felt terrible. Admittedly I was told at the time and not in a rant but I guess if his wife is struggling and was upset he probably felt protective.

Lizzie48 · 01/04/2018 20:13

I do think you should be a little more concerned than you seem to be about how your friend might be feeling. I have a 9 year old DD1 with particular needs, who is behind in school. It does get quite hard as they grow up and you worry about their future, as @bbcessex has said.

It might be a good time to have a heart to heart with your friend so she knows you're thinking of her and her DD.