To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

t is quite an ableist thing to say

Utter rubbish. Does ANYONE actually WISH for a child with health problems and/or a disability? I have literally never come across anyone who would want that for their child or for themselves. I have met many parents who love their children unconditionally and do everything within their power to help their children in any way they can. Very few of those parents would not make their children well again if they could.

Wishing for a healthy baby is absolutely normal. It does not mean those children who have health problems or disability are of less value or less loved. Suggesting otherwise is, IMHO, being deliberately perverse- it is looking to be offended.

I would tell her she is being a bitch, you are not apologising to ANYone, and you don't want to be her friend any longer if this is how she treats you. Some friend SHE is!

She's not being anything. She hasn't said a thing. It's her husband.

But I wouldn't recommend saying the above to him either. Radio silence is preferable to World War III.

My late sister had cerebral palsy and I would never be offended by the "healthy" comment.

If you feel you want to make contact , I would go directly to your friend , not her husband - I bet she doesn't know about the email .

Well HE is being a bitch then.

The OP owes the other woman a big apology?

Fuck that. I would tell him to stop being so fucking ridiculous, and grow up!!

Kimanda, the message came from the friend's DH, who OP has already said they merely tolerate because he is with her.

Nobody knows whether or not the friend is even aware that such a shitty message was sent, so writing back to call her a butch could be very wrong and wide of the mark indeed.

I wonder if the OP's friend was even as upset as her DH has made out? Is he trying to create a wedge between them?

YANBU

Surely everyone wants a healthy baby? She asked you a question and you gave her a good answer, a answer that most people would have said. Just because she has a disabled child it doesn’t mean you can’t with for a healthy child.

I have 2 disabled children and I wouldn’t have been offended by your answer.

Bitch, not butch. Bloody auto-correct.

The point stands though.

@lizzie48 this has crossed my mind but it felt insensitive to bring it up in the context of this post.

@Galadrielsring "I’d decided to contact my friend and apologise, not for what I said, but that she was upset by it."

I'd go with that personally. If he has not told her he has emailed he will look like the twat. It looks like he has stepped in and emailed on her behalf, and rather than just letting you know he is upset, he has gone OTT.

I wonder what would have happened if you had said I want a boy, would that have invalided every single person who had a girl? no, of course not.

I tend to be a people pleaser and I would almost certainly email and say I was sorry I had upset them/her.

However, if I have read this right you were not talking to them, they just overheard?

IF you were speaking directly to them, then I can see why this comment would seem so upsetting and I would probably make a much bigger apology.

I am afraid after this I would almost certainly back away from their friendship, or at least his, he has tried to make a pregnant women feel bad, not nice.

This sentiment is basically what just about every person would think and many would say, and I expect they may well have said before the birth of their own child.

Both my kids have issues, I'd love them not to have 'issues' (behavioral, mental health etc). I love them as they are and would not swap them for the world. I would not care if others did not want them, because I want them.

It's obviously ok to have a preference to gender?! (the original question posed no issues). Yet, it's obviously not to ok to hope that your child is healthy, that does not make sense.

I would imagine that the couple had expressed the same response when they were asked during pregnancy.

It's now a question that no matter what answer you give, you will upset someone it seems, if you had answered boy, would you habe offended friends with girls?

I think the comment has been over thought by your friend, or sadly there has been other issues/comments made to your friend/her family.

I hope it doesn't ruin a friendship and you gone on to have a lovely pregnancy!xx

letting you know she is upset

As long as baby is born healthy, with all fingers and toes present?

Isn't that what ALL parents to be hope for?

just enjoy your pregnancy, and try not to worry by what easily offended people are offended by.

It wouldn't have mattered what you had said - someone would have been offended.

If you had said "I hope it's a boy", you would have offended all the mothers of girls.....

Take no notice.

If you had said "I hope it's a boy", you would have offended all the mothers of girls.....

I have a daughter and certainly wouldn't be offended at this. In fact I'd think 'sensible people'

I think friends DH rather owes YOU an apology as well, for making you feel so stressed whilst pregnant.

I don't think you said anything wrong, you just spoke the truth really.

I wouldn't worry about whether his wife knows, I'd still email her what you said about being sorry if she was upset but not sorry for what you said.

If she didn't know he was sending it, then it's about time she did.

Wow, that's harsh Kimanda

She's being a bitch?

If the husband didn’t tell the friend he was emailing, I also feel a bit sorry for her. She may well have been ranting in the safe space of her home/relationship- and not because you said anything wrong but it could have brought up painful memories, as having disabilities/related health problems can take a huge toll on a family. Of course you want a healthy baby and should be able to say that! So don’t apologise for that, but it would be kind of you to maybe check in with her and see how she is doing (bypass her unpleasant husband) and mention her daughter- will she be excited to meet the baby, she will be a teenager when your child is 4-5, what stuff could they do together in a few years. Sounds like she has a delightful daughter and you are a kind supportive friend, but she still may need support, patience and sensitivity as you probably don’t see everything they go through as a family.

Their dd is 9. She’s a wonderful little girl who goes to a mainstream school. She’s really strong willed and doesn’t let anyone get in her way of what she wants. She’s obsessed with monster high dolls and all things Halloween and creepy. Everyone she meets is soon wrapped around her finger.

Surely this goes to the root of how we view people with disabilities? It sounds like their daughter is enjoying life and managing to live a fairly normal one in spite of her CP. You could therefore say she is a healthy child and point this out to your friends. Having a disability does not per se make someone unhealthy.

I think most of us, hand on heart though would not wish a disability on any child so whether you meant healthy as in non disabled or not you have done nothing wrong or unusual. I would be talking to your friend rather than her DH given he sounds a bit of an idiot and maybe projecting a bit here.

I think friends DH rather owes YOU an apology as well, for making you feel so stressed whilst pregnant.

Oh come on. Given OP hasn't said there are any particular problems or concerns with her pregnancy, treating her as a delicate little flower just for being a bit pregnant is a bit patronising and 'ridiculous' in and of itself.

I certainly think her dh owes op an apology, as he was rude, offensive and nasty with it.

I think you should just reply saying you are really very sorry, and you didn't mean it like that at all. What you meant was that you didn't have a preference of boy or girl.

OP your description of their dd show how much you value and like this little girl. it is a beautiful glowing 'report' of a lovely girl.

I really think this man has the wrong end of the stick, and I would tread carefully his wife's upset may actually be his own feelings.

It's hard having children who are different and yet all kids present issues, this child seems to be adorable. I think I would first verify with your friend how she felt about overhearing your comment and take it from there. Personally I'd want to clear the air but I am a bull in a china shop!!!

They are being unreasonable and oversensitive. I wouldn't apologise for a comment that most people do wish for a healthy baby.

I have a genetic condition and am a carrier for another genetic condition, I had several painful tests to make sure I had a healthy baby.

If you'd said you wanted a boy would she have cried because that made her feel that her daughter's life was invalidated too?