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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange Neighbour and what to do.

108 replies

StressedtoHellandBack · 31/03/2018 12:33

I dont think I am being unreasonable but want other opinions.
I have owned a property for over 20 years, it used to be my home. It was a nice place when I bought it and for many years later. Some years ago a couple bought a house in the row. They were very nosey people. They would come out a stand around if anyone went into a neighbouring property. If anyone parked in the street or had Road Rescue in the street they would be out. They watch where everyone parks or who goes in or out.
I moved away. Due to circumstances it has taken time to get the house ready for sale or rent. I have noticed that all the watching is going on especially if I am wearing heels which make a clicking noise on the paths.
I have rejected this man's advances not only because I do not like his type but also because I know his wife. He was warned by family members to leave me alone. He has been reported to the Police, none of which seem to have had any effect.
I still have items to remove from the house and work to carry out. I am nervous about going to this property because of this man. I do not think this is right. It should not be allowed. There should also be questions because this man's dubious behaviour is going on in the vicinty of several schools. I am also concerned that if the house goes for rent or sale his obsessive watching would put off prospective occupants.
What can I do to stop this man or alternatively (which I think is wrong) find a way of coping and being less frightened by his conduct?

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 31/03/2018 17:26

OP it really would be no better if he were young and handsome. In a night club an attractive young rugby player put his hand on my 'upper chest'. I was talking to one of his teammates who, with others, explained to him that he'd made a big mistake. Men like this are creeps, aren't you, rugby boy from Bath?!

I can't resist asking whether the couple have pampas grass in their garden. Surely other neighbours know what he's like. Can't you ask them to help you with the last stages of your move?

I sincerely hope your dilemma is soon resolved and you are safe, healthy and happy in your new home.

restingbemusedface · 31/03/2018 17:26

Whatever happened, he has made the OP feel uncomfortable and she just wants to move out of the house with no creepy man watching her.

OP, just wear trainers, get on with it and tell him to go away if he tries to speak to you. Keep your head down and get on with it. Then give him the finger as you drive off for the last time. And maybe slip a note through the door telling the wife that her husband is a pervert

Original poster
StressedtoHellandBack · 31/03/2018 17:35

I am going quietly wearing soft soled shoes. I am angry that a man ruined my safe place. It is probably best now to sell or rent the house and try to get on in a new life. This man is horrible. He picked a bad time of my life with illness and other sad events. I was weakened and he played on that. I will be away in some weeks now. I will only return for workmen to work.
I am angry and sad. Needed a bit of comforting I think. Family busy just now.
Ladies thank you

OP posts:
Joanna57 · 31/03/2018 17:36

This is paranoia of the first degree.

Unless it happened very recently..........

category12 · 31/03/2018 17:37

It was very wrong of this man to touch you and act suggestively towards you. He's a bad person in this culture too.

Saucery · 31/03/2018 17:38

Silly to think it is ‘all men’. There must be many, many other men you know or have known who wouldn’t dream of assaulting someone or staring at them like that. That’s the norm. Not some lone creep.

WashingMatilda · 31/03/2018 17:39

joanna have you RTFT? Where he sexually assaulted her and she reported to the police? I suggest you do before you pipe up next time.

OP; No one is saying now (apart from people who haven't read all your updates Hmm ) that you are paranoid or unreasonable, but it took a while for us to get the full details from you about what's happened.

Okaynowimconfused · 31/03/2018 17:40

He touched you without consent. He is an awful man OP.

I'm sorry you feel unsafe Flowers keep strong.

uservvy · 31/03/2018 17:42

I'm still confused. So he touched your breasts, you effectively told him to sod off and called the police. It didn't go any further.

I'm not sure how him touching you and you being ill relates back to him being unsafe around children Confused ok I agree it's a bit odd a man coming onto a woman if she is obviously very unwell but maybe he is a typical bloke and didn't even notice or take it into consideration.

I agree with PP get a pair of trainers, don't clip clop around in high heels. People I know who wear high heels are generally very confident. You and high heels just don't seem to go together.

MadMags · 31/03/2018 17:45

This is very strange.

You and his wife have the same illness but as soon as you got better she got sick?

He listens for your high heels so he can watch you?

I’m not sure at all about the car rescue.

And he attacked you? And the police did nothing?

MonochromeDog · 31/03/2018 17:55

Why is it so out of the realms of possibility for some poster that neighbour sexually assaulted her when she was ill, so he is, therefore, a predator? And that is why she feels so uncomfortable! And the police not doing anything about a sexual assault is not exactly surprising, is it? FFS, she obviously feels upset and uncomfortable by the whole thing. Especially if the creep is watching her every move when she's there!

And folks whittering on about not understanding her posts, well English is obviously not her first language yet I was able to understand it fine as did others, so you're just showing yourselves up to be a bit dim and ignorant!

She came here for support not to be called paranoid and have her posts criticised because some folk can't read between the lines. Hmm

biscuitmillionaire · 31/03/2018 18:07

What MonochromeDog said ^^

I'm sorry you were sexually harrassed, OP, especially at a low time in your life when you felt vulnerable (which he probably picked up on). I'm also sorry the police didn't help you. All you can do it try to get rid of the house as soon as you can, and if possible ask a friend to go with you when you need to visit it.

willynillypie · 31/03/2018 18:09

He sounds awful and I am sorry that this happened to you, but it's not right to make baseless accusations about someone being around children without evidence!!! That's really not on.

I would sell as others have said - he sounds like someone whose presence will always cause you angst so the best thing is to get rid of anything related to him.

Original poster
StressedtoHellandBack · 31/03/2018 18:26

My illness was at first thought to be in a certain area of my body. The neighbour's wife was having problems with the same area. A doctor took my tests and found that although I do have problems this is a side symptom to my real illness which comes from another area of body completely and I was then transferred to another doctor. The neighbour's wife has worsened in the original area of body.

As much as I know there are men who are well mannered and courteous to women this bad man is more to the fore of my mind. When I find a man being kind in simple matters like holding a door it is nice and also surprising in the experience of this neighbour.

I am not confident. I was trying to be confident with my high heels but it worked against that. It is best now that I keep my attempts at looking confident away from the house. I will go about the things that have to be done as quietly as possible and try to get the matter closed in the property. Closing my mind to this awful scene is not so easy. I worry about why I attracted such behaviour and what can I do to avoid it in the future. It may take time but hope it will eventually leave my mind.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 31/03/2018 18:27

He was wrong to touch you - but that was a massive dripfeed. Touching you without your consent is not the same at all as making advances towards you.

However.... has he approached you again since you made it clear that was not acceptable and contacted the police? If not then I would guess that he has learned his lesson (with regard to how he treats you at least)

I see this man as being weird in his noseyness and in his sexual choices both of which are not appropriate

The noseyness isn't particularly weird/inappropriate. I suspect that the majority of us have a neighbour who is just as nosey. Annoying yes. But weird and inappropriate no.

Touching you without your consent was inappropriate. However coming on to someone who is ill or who doesn't find themselves to be desirable (and this is what you seem to focus on) isn't necessarily weird or inappropriate and while most of us would probably disagree with a man cheating on his wife, it may be that they have an open relationship. And whether he was after an affair his wife didn't know about or an open relationship that she did know about, neither of these choices make him a danger to have near schools.

I think you either need to find a way you can visit the house with confidence or sell it. The current situation is causing you too much distress and right now he isn't doing anything that anyone could ask him to stop iyswim

OyO · 31/03/2018 18:33

You write like my friend from Hong Kong so I don’t see anything wrong with your posts, OP. Your English is great, they’re just a bit fragmented.

Can you pay an estate agent and removal company to get the house sorted for you? That way you never have to return.

Don’t change anything about yourself because a man came on to you, you did nothing to entice his behaviour.

InsomniacAnonymous · 31/03/2018 18:39

I'm very sorry that this man's behaviour has caused you such distress OP. I hope that you don't see him when you have to go to the house and that soon you will be happy and settled in your new home and will be able to forget about him and his weird ways. All the best for the future. Flowers

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2018 18:44

OP this really is not your usual clear and concise posting style.

Are you ok? Thanks

Original poster
StressedtoHellandBack · 31/03/2018 18:50

I see I was wrong to expect people to understand the rather polite way I tried to explain what this man had done to upset me so much. I did not want to be dramatic or sexually explicit. I know you can not read my mind and thoughts.
It was a bad time for me with sadness and my own illness. I was never ill so that was bad for me and I did not know how to cope. I was not able for the circumstances at that time or perhaps not even now.
I will be having estate agents to the house and also removal people. I will trust those people more than neighbours who have been known for a few years, which seems to me to be strange.
Thanks to those with good wishes for my future. I hope I will have good neighbours.
Thank you everyone who took the trouble to understand my writing.

OP posts:
MadMags · 31/03/2018 18:59

There’s nothing wrong with your writing, OP.

And no woman has ever done anything to warrant a sexual attack.

tierraJ · 31/03/2018 18:59

I do understand what has upset you as I had a neighbour in 2012 who was married & kept asking me out, calling my name & approaching me in the dark when he was drunk, he would write me notes & was a real pest.

He didn't touch me so I didn't call the police but at the time I was very unwell with Psychosis & my illness was exacerbated because of him.

Finally my mum told his wife & they moved away luckily.

So.., it's a real shame you've had to move away & modify your lifestyle because of that man.
You are right to be upset.
But don't go to the house alone or wear heels there. Get a man to go with you if possible.

blueskyinmarch · 31/03/2018 19:00

i think because you were not explicit about what happened people were struggling to understand what your issues were and why you were so upset. Now that we know then it is understandable that you would be worried about seeing this man again.

MustShowDH · 31/03/2018 19:01

You sound very anxious, to the point it is affecting your day to day life. Is it worth mentioning to your GP maybe?

Is there a cultural difference here?
Did he grab you sexually or rest his hand on your shoulder for example?

I'm sorry you seem in so much distress. I think once you sell the house you can move on with your life.

Angryresister · 31/03/2018 19:03

Your hunches are probably right. Trust yourself. I was in this position once with a neighbour who insinuated himself with the excuse of having two children himself. I challenged him as actually he had no right to be on my side of the fence, but another family thought he was ok...until they didn't. In the meantime it caused problems with them. Eventually he started puncturing my car tyres and on one occasion actually put his toddler son on the bonnet of the car I was driving to get away from him. The problem is that things can and do escalate, so it is good you are not living there. I heard later that the creepy man I knew had moved away but had got into serious trouble with the law and social services. You may well be right but as you don't live there be very relieved.

InsomniacAnonymous · 31/03/2018 19:07

MustShowDH OP has answered those questions in her later posts.

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