To think my IL's could be a bit kinder to me?

[jamoncrumpets]

Have NC for this because I'm terrified they might read this...

In the last few years, in the last twelve months particularly, I've noticed DH's family have been cutting me out a bit, ignoring texts and phone calls.

His sisters don't reply to any of my texts at all, even one where I invited them to come and stay with us (any time, was a kind of 'hey, we've sorted out the guest room now, would love to see you for a visit' text). I wouldn't say I was texting them excessively, maybe once or twice a week at most, with things mainly about DH or DS, never myself. They used to reply. We'd talk about their lives. Now, nothing. We used to like and comment on each other's Instagram pics, but they haven't interacted with me at all on there for over a year either. I still like their pics, to show that I'm interested in their lives, but I don't really feel like writing any comments if they can't be bothered to interact with me at all. I'm also aware of looking needy.

I should point out here that DH is crap at contacting his family, and they used to say that without me they'd never hear from him.

MiL was obsessed with getting baby pictures and used to tell me how much she loved seeing pics of DS, so I'd send her them often, maybe two or three times a week or if he did something funny. I would always ask about what they were up to too, trying not to make everything about my DS! We'd chat. It was all lovely. But again, in the last year I haven't had any replies really - it feels like they're ghosting me. Again, I have cut contact to maybe once a week, just too keep the lines of communication open.

I'm trying to work out why this has happened and keep coming back to two things. One is that I had a miscarriage last year at 11 weeks. DH's family weren't particularly supportive at this time. In fact, lots of comments were made the next day along the lines of 'Oh you'll forget it soon' and ' Get your weight down and you might have more luck next time'. None of them have mentioned it AT ALL since then. Two is that DS is undergoing assessment for additional needs, it's looking like an ASD diagnosis, but it's not set in stone at the moment. He's lovely but he doesn't behave in the way a lot of 3yos do, and the IL's have often suggested this was because he was at home with me instead of nursery (yes, I know this is bollocks). He can't really hold a conversation at all and they can't get their heads around that. SiL's don't really make much effort to try and engage with him in person, thinking him aloof, which is a shame because once he trusts you he will lavish you with attention!

I'm trying to understand why they have pulled away from me, and I'm also trying to see ways that it could not be about me - I do suffer from low self esteem so blame myself for things a lot.

I don't really know how to tackle it, going forward. Do I just let them go? They're my DS's family.

@FlouncyDoves fuck them sack them
Off I think that’s exactly what they are hoping.
I would too, after receiving years worth of photos 3 times a week.

Just for car context, that’s 650 photos a year.

And she’s only taking about the last 12 months.

I really think people might be missing the major issue here.

They are not responding because they probably want you to stop texting them all the time. Sorry to be blunt but I think this is the crux of the issue.

Despite them not replying have you continued need to text constantly? It just sounds too much.

I would talk to dh about it, and voice your concerns. Also I would just treat them how they treat you, no likes, no texts, nothing. why would you make the effort if you get absolutely nothing back.

They are setting the tone, so you follow, have pride in yourself, and go zero on them. They can communicate with dh if they want to know anything.

I don't always send pics! And I said in my original post that I've cut right down since they stopped replying.

Listen to your dh, and don't even cut down, don't bother, why should you, when you get nothing back.

Yes but they've stopped replying because you were texting too much. The minute they stopped replying that was the time to back off not carry on texting.

Just pointing out that level of contact would be annoying for most people!

jamon I sympathise - I thought my ILs were wonderful when I met them, so badly wanted to be part of their family and at some point I realised, they saw their family as their dc, and that spouses were ‘other’ and were treated cordially but that was it. It’s probably more ‘sane’ given the chances of divorce etc.

You need to look at your friendship group and try and build it - it can’t be easy with your ds’s needs to meet lots of mums but it really makes a difference - after years of feeling hurt I don’t put myself out there with texts etc to them as they aren’t capable of change.

Your DH is bang on, if until now there’s been a lack of genuine warmth and some hurtful comments, it’s very unlikely to change. You need to unfollow on instagram - if it ever came up (it won’t) you’re cutting down time spent on social media.

Another thing about the amount of contact. I get that it's possibly a bit much for the SiL but I would be more upset about the attitude of the MiL. A lot of GM would love to see lots of pictures of their DGS and be more supportive of a Dil and son raising a child with potential AN. So that really makes me think MiL is not very nice.

So according to this thread, sending texts and photos of your kids 2-3 times a week is normal.

Well, fuck being your friends.

Where are the introverts when you need them.

justvent, I feel the same. I am quite close to one SIL and neither of us are introverts but we FB once or twice a month and mainly chat about family.

I think a lot of people would find texting, emailing plus regular social media interaction a bit much. Particularly if the person involved was overkeen to know about what was happening in my wider life.

Those kind of levels of communication I would say were more normal for best friends or mothers and daughters and may well feel intrusive and unwelcome to people who are not quite as closely connected to you. Particularly when that connection is one they have because a family member has chosen to marry you rather than them picking you as a friend themselves.

jusvent mightymucks I agree. And you can bet that is why they are ignoring the texts. If my SIL sent me texts every week with photos then I would stop replying in an effort to get her to stop sending texts. Who has time for that level of communication?

I don't text my best friends that much.

I have said time and time again that I don't text 2-3 times a week any more.

Surely it’s just about mistmatched norms on texting? My mum would be delighted to be texted pics of her GC 5x daily from whomsoever wanted to text her - I do agree though that the op is looking for friendship in the wrong place.

With all due respect op, I would not want anyone other than my own dc, texting or messaging me 2/3 times every week.
I would not want pictures of my niece nephew every week.
Its often said but very true, nobody else cares as much about your child as you do.
Sil/bil generally dont want that much contact.

Your dh has told you to cut contact landscape it right back.
Let him do the cards etc.
When my dcs were very young and dh worked crazy hours doing 2 jobs, I often didn't contact anyone at all mid week. It wasn't that I was rude or didn't care, the fact was i was busy with my family and by the time id day down on a night was the time I wanted to spend with dh. Then before I knew it, it was too late to ring anyone.
I didn't loose any friends. They understood that other things were more important.

Yes, but you did jamon, which is kind of the point. If your MIL and SIL found it overbearing and intrusive they may well be continuing to keep you at arms length for fear of starting it up again.

You mention that you have ‘cut right back’ to once a week. You do realise unless they live very close to their in laws most people would think once a week contact was quite a bit and certainly not ‘cutting right back’.

Personally in your situation I would limit contact for the time being to maybe a monthly email with some pictures of DS and a round up of how he was doing for MIL and SILs maybe step back to texting when you have a specific purpose or reason (birthdays, specific arrangements).

It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong as such, but when you get married you do have to accept that different families have different dynamics and different ways of doing things so you can’t expect your in laws to do things the way your family do

You say that your DH is also poor at keeping in touch. That says to me that his family has more of a dynamic of enjoying it when they see each other, but staying loosely in touch at other times and not getting over involved in each other’s lives. That’s fine, a lot of families are like that.

It sounds like your own expectations are a family who keep in close touch and are very involved in each other’s lives and know the ins and outs of each other’s jobs, friendships, relationships, parenting, etc, etc. That is also fine too.

But you can’t change another families dynamic and way of doing things, it will only cause upset on all sides. You really just need to accept this is the way they are.

None of you are doing anything wrong, you’re just very different people.

Just looked back, jamon and I think you took my post in a way it wasn't intended. I was intending to be entirely sympathetic to you. I meant that being a SAHM can be demoralising if the hard work you are doing is unappreciated, as well as unpaid. I wondered if this was a factor in your ILs attitude and your own low confidence. I certainly didn't mean you should go to work to appease your ILs. Just it's a hard job, made harder when it goes unrecognised.

Yes and that’s why a good group of friends is invaluable, it took be too long to do that but once I’d made a few friends in similar situations I stopped worrying so much about my ILs and their lack of interest.

And we have read that you have stopped. Time and time again.

But it already has happened. It’s already been too much texting.

I would stop replying as well, in order to discourage the constant messages and pictures.
The fact that you aren’t entertaining the fact that this could be the very reason why they have pulled away, means you could be missing a very obvious and easily fixed problem.

But if you want to blow it up into something it probably isn’t and make it into an undeservedly dramatic event.

I said downthread that I was going to pull right back. I don't know what more you want me to say or do.

I feel sorry for jamo, what grandmother would not want pictures of her grandkids and updated on their progress, looks like they are going through a difficult time with her ds regarding his additional needs, and need the support of grandparents. Mabey op is trying too hard with the sIL, and she is just not interested, sad, but what can you do.

jamo, you need to take their cue, and stop. You have said you have cut right down, don't cut down, stop, if they are not replying to the little communication you give to them, why would you carry on. If they want updates on your ds, they can go through your dh.

op, you thought a reduction from 2-3 texts per week to 1 text per week was cutting right back, so when you say 'pulling right back' that could mean once per fortnight for all we know. To most people 'pulling right back' means never contacting them unless there's a birthday or big family event. What does it actually mean to you, to pull right back?

Just vent leave her alone.
Jamon, you have not done anything wrong and you are not the one with the problem here.
I hope you can find a way through the hurt, don’t let them get to you

I haven't texted or liked any of their pictures in over a week now. I trust this is to your satisfaction, JustVent.