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Original poster

To think my IL's could be a bit kinder to me?

141 replies

jamoncrumpets · 30/03/2018 09:05

Have NC for this because I'm terrified they might read this...

In the last few years, in the last twelve months particularly, I've noticed DH's family have been cutting me out a bit, ignoring texts and phone calls.

His sisters don't reply to any of my texts at all, even one where I invited them to come and stay with us (any time, was a kind of 'hey, we've sorted out the guest room now, would love to see you for a visit' text). I wouldn't say I was texting them excessively, maybe once or twice a week at most, with things mainly about DH or DS, never myself. They used to reply. We'd talk about their lives. Now, nothing. We used to like and comment on each other's Instagram pics, but they haven't interacted with me at all on there for over a year either. I still like their pics, to show that I'm interested in their lives, but I don't really feel like writing any comments if they can't be bothered to interact with me at all. I'm also aware of looking needy.

I should point out here that DH is crap at contacting his family, and they used to say that without me they'd never hear from him.

MiL was obsessed with getting baby pictures and used to tell me how much she loved seeing pics of DS, so I'd send her them often, maybe two or three times a week or if he did something funny. I would always ask about what they were up to too, trying not to make everything about my DS! We'd chat. It was all lovely. But again, in the last year I haven't had any replies really - it feels like they're ghosting me. Again, I have cut contact to maybe once a week, just too keep the lines of communication open.

I'm trying to work out why this has happened and keep coming back to two things. One is that I had a miscarriage last year at 11 weeks. DH's family weren't particularly supportive at this time. In fact, lots of comments were made the next day along the lines of 'Oh you'll forget it soon' and ' Get your weight down and you might have more luck next time'. None of them have mentioned it AT ALL since then. Two is that DS is undergoing assessment for additional needs, it's looking like an ASD diagnosis, but it's not set in stone at the moment. He's lovely but he doesn't behave in the way a lot of 3yos do, and the IL's have often suggested this was because he was at home with me instead of nursery (yes, I know this is bollocks). He can't really hold a conversation at all and they can't get their heads around that. SiL's don't really make much effort to try and engage with him in person, thinking him aloof, which is a shame because once he trusts you he will lavish you with attention!

I'm trying to understand why they have pulled away from me, and I'm also trying to see ways that it could not be about me - I do suffer from low self esteem so blame myself for things a lot.

I don't really know how to tackle it, going forward. Do I just let them go? They're my DS's family.

OP posts:
JackietheBackie · 30/03/2018 09:46

You do sound lovely. But all families work differently and you are used to much more openness and involvement from your own family.

Pull back - maybe send a picture every couple of months, like the odd Instagram pic, not all, and advise your husband to set reminders for himself for important dates as you won’t be reminding him anymore.

TittyGolightly · 30/03/2018 09:47

You need to manage your expectations, OP.

I’ve been there. DD is first grandchild on both sides. DH’s family 250 miles away so always made an effort from the start with visits every 6-8 weeks (us to them). They stopped making effort when DD was about 2. No birthday cards or presents, no skype calls, they wouldn’t always be around when we visited. For a while I pushed, then one day thought “fuck it”. It’s their loss.

DD is 7. We now visit once a year. They know they’re welcome to visit us but haven’t bothered. They have our skype details but don’t bother. And that’s fine.

CoraPirbright · 30/03/2018 09:49

DS is undergoing assessment for additional needs, it's looking like an ASD diagnosis.....and the IL's have often suggested this was because he was at home with me instead of nursery

I suspect the answer lies here. They sound thick to think such a thing and its my guess that they will not like it if it turns out that your ds receives this diagnosis. Honestly, I would distance myself and my family - they are not going to be the help and support you would wish them to be, in fact they may turn out to be the very opposite.

AJPTaylor · 30/03/2018 09:52

just tail off.
i used to put huge efforts into dhs family then i stopped about 8 years ago. havent seen his 2 brothers or family in the last year.
what made me stop was their total lack of effort around dd3. i had put loads of effort in when their kids were little. when they arrived 3 hours late for her 5th bday that was it. i was finished. still friendly but dont bother

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 30/03/2018 09:53

It upsets me a bit when their updates pop up on Instagram, I'd unfollow but I feel that's a bit aggressive?!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 30/03/2018 09:55

Aggressive? Why?

Pictureiswonky · 30/03/2018 09:56

Aggressive? Why would you follow something that upsets you? You need to start thinking about your needs a bit more.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 09:56

Is there a way to mute them like you can on FB? Sorry, I'm not on IG.

I would also set security preferences so they don't see your photos on FB. Let them work for it.

starfishmummy · 30/03/2018 09:57

Another Point of view - one was pleased that your dh rang them - maybe they'd prefer the personal personaln contact of a call rather than texts or likes on social media?

And ignoring the come and see us anytime? Well I always think something like that is the person just being polite and not really meaning it.

GreenItWas · 30/03/2018 09:57

You sound desperate for their friendship and that might be off putting. having said that, I would have you in my family like a shot. I'm related to some right wankers on my side and DH's to be honest Grin

Creambun2 · 30/03/2018 10:02

Are your DH's family from a more middle class background than you?

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 30/03/2018 10:02

I don't think texting family regularly constitutes desperation, but then my radar is clearly wonky on all this.

OP posts:
glueandstick · 30/03/2018 10:04

Really don’t worry about it. My BIL/wife don’t see our toddler from one month to the next. We’re lucky to see them every 6 months and they live 10mins away. They just do not interact at all. Some people are like that.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 30/03/2018 10:04

Creambun2 YES! Them: solidly CofE middle class. Mine: working class Irish Catholic.

Though I'm not religious AT ALL, it's more to give an idea of background.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/03/2018 10:04

It's not aggressive to block them, if it helps you to feel better that they're not liking your posts then I think you must do it.

If you're not going to talk to them it will only drive you mad the longer this goes on.

YellowFlower201 · 30/03/2018 10:10

Just ignore them going forward. It really doesn't matter if they get upset. Your DH doesn't care by the sounds of it and he's your main connection to them.

Lemongingertea80 · 30/03/2018 10:14

I too have fallen into the trap in the past of creating a relationship and interaction between my dh and his family. I have stopped and it's so liberating!
Tbh I would get pretty irritated if my dh was interfering in my relationship with my side of the family so I really don't know why some women get so tangled up with their in laws.
Focus on the two way relationships in your life and don't waste your emotional energy trying to stage things for people who don't really care!
I think social media is part of the problem. I don't share pics of my kids on social media anymore. If someone wants to see my kids, they can visit them and have some real interaction! It would be different if I had family overseas of course.

codswallopandbalderdash · 30/03/2018 10:15

Frankly I wouldn't bother with them and spend your energy on other things. FWIW my relationship with my ILs hasn't fully recovered since my miscarriages, partly because I have never been able to forget some of the insensitive stuff they said / did at the time (and still do occasionally to be honest)

sonjadog · 30/03/2018 10:18

I agree that it might be that the contact was too much. I don't have a family who contacts each other several times a week. We speak a couple of times a year. If a new family member came along who wanted more contact, we´d probably make an effort for a while, but long term, we´d return to form.

If I were you, I would start off by cutting down the contact drastically. It sounds like you might be transferring the norms of your family onto them? Accept that they are different and try to fit in with their contact pattern. It might just be that they need more breathing space.

codswallopandbalderdash · 30/03/2018 10:20

I have also realised that ILs want all contact to be on their terms so they are happy for us to do all the running around /staying with them - but they don't want to reciprocate. Eg if we ring / Skype and it isn't convenient for them we get monosyllabic answers and five mins attention, but we are expected to drop everything when then call and there are sulks if we don't

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2018 10:25

There was an almost identical thread to this a couple of weeks ago and the general consensus, was that the OP was far too needy.

Some people just have different comfort levels when it comes to this sort of thing.

PorkFlute · 30/03/2018 10:26

Let them contact you or dh if they’re interested. And don’t remind your dh - let him contact them if and when he wants to.
Either they are over the baby stage and less interested or they don’t find your sons difficulties easy to deal with. They sound vile anyway from their reaction to your mc.
Have either of your sil had a baby that they are now busy with by any chance?
And I would personally be plastering my ds all over am with me and my family so they could see the relationship they’re missing out on as well.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 30/03/2018 10:31

My first thought was that you were being overly exuberant with your contact and that has irritated them. I have a SIL who is the same. She is lovely but her boundaries and expectations don’t match mine and that makes me uncomfortable. For example her last message was out of nowhere to suggest she comes on our family holiday with us and to suggest where we should go, which would completely change the dynamic of our family downtime.

I think it is likely that your differing boundaries and expectations are feeding into their pulling back from you. Don’t take it personally, I certainly do really like my SIL for example but I certainly do limit interaction with her to a manageable extent because as I said I have my own differing boundaries.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 30/03/2018 10:35

Pinkbicycles I think you're projecting your own issues onto mine a bit, I'd never invite myself on holiday with in laws and wouldn't dare dictate terms!

OP posts:
BIWI · 30/03/2018 10:36

I've just gone back to your OP and this jumped out at me:

Have NC for this because I'm terrified they might read this...

Do you not think this is a rather strong statement? Why would you be terrified? I think you have the relationship with them seriously out of perspective and proportion.

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