To think my IL's could be a bit kinder to me?

[jamoncrumpets]

Have NC for this because I'm terrified they might read this...

In the last few years, in the last twelve months particularly, I've noticed DH's family have been cutting me out a bit, ignoring texts and phone calls.

His sisters don't reply to any of my texts at all, even one where I invited them to come and stay with us (any time, was a kind of 'hey, we've sorted out the guest room now, would love to see you for a visit' text). I wouldn't say I was texting them excessively, maybe once or twice a week at most, with things mainly about DH or DS, never myself. They used to reply. We'd talk about their lives. Now, nothing. We used to like and comment on each other's Instagram pics, but they haven't interacted with me at all on there for over a year either. I still like their pics, to show that I'm interested in their lives, but I don't really feel like writing any comments if they can't be bothered to interact with me at all. I'm also aware of looking needy.

I should point out here that DH is crap at contacting his family, and they used to say that without me they'd never hear from him.

MiL was obsessed with getting baby pictures and used to tell me how much she loved seeing pics of DS, so I'd send her them often, maybe two or three times a week or if he did something funny. I would always ask about what they were up to too, trying not to make everything about my DS! We'd chat. It was all lovely. But again, in the last year I haven't had any replies really - it feels like they're ghosting me. Again, I have cut contact to maybe once a week, just too keep the lines of communication open.

I'm trying to work out why this has happened and keep coming back to two things. One is that I had a miscarriage last year at 11 weeks. DH's family weren't particularly supportive at this time. In fact, lots of comments were made the next day along the lines of 'Oh you'll forget it soon' and ' Get your weight down and you might have more luck next time'. None of them have mentioned it AT ALL since then. Two is that DS is undergoing assessment for additional needs, it's looking like an ASD diagnosis, but it's not set in stone at the moment. He's lovely but he doesn't behave in the way a lot of 3yos do, and the IL's have often suggested this was because he was at home with me instead of nursery (yes, I know this is bollocks). He can't really hold a conversation at all and they can't get their heads around that. SiL's don't really make much effort to try and engage with him in person, thinking him aloof, which is a shame because once he trusts you he will lavish you with attention!

I'm trying to understand why they have pulled away from me, and I'm also trying to see ways that it could not be about me - I do suffer from low self esteem so blame myself for things a lot.

I don't really know how to tackle it, going forward. Do I just let them go? They're my DS's family.

Yes I agree - they don’t know how to tell you it’s too much so have stopped responding in the hope you’ll get the message

Sorry JustVent but they used to text me that much too!

Sounds really upsetting.

What does your DH have to say about all this?

But was it in response to your messages?

I wouldn't be too forthcoming with pictures of DS2 unless there is a seismic shift in their behaviour.

Let them ask DH for pics.

Thanks guys, I've taken a lot of what you've said on board. As I said before I'm going to pull right back.

Do you think perhaps you are trying too hard? Reading your post, then at the bottom about your low self esteem, do you think you are maybe, too enthusiastic? Between the lines, you seem to want their approval and acceptance (which is understandable) but you're going about it like puppy wanting to be petted.

We all have different tolerance levels. ILs contacting me three times a week for a family update would do my swede. I'd feel interrogated. Really, this is DHs family, you should be lead by their family dynamic. If he doesn't contact them, then that's clearly how he wants the relationship to be.

With regard to your miscarriage, a lot of people really haven't got a clue how to behave with a bereavement, so it becomes much easier to avoid the situation or trot out those tired, well meaning but irritating platitudes.

I would back off a bit, for a while, stop over thinking social media, stop 'liking' and commenting on every little thing but above all, work on your own sense of self worth. You don't need to be validated by the ILs

Pull right back then OP if you don't want to talk to them. I just don't think this will stop you being upset that they don't like your photos on instagram or FB etc or that they don't seem to bother with you anymore which is obviously impacting on your self esteem.

Can you take them off your SM?

Wish you all the best with birth of DS2 OP!

And it's great that you have a fab family, you are soo lucky there

Just think how much more 'you' time you will have without worry about the nasty fuckers. Your ds really doesn't need family like this. A happy stress free dm is much more necessary.

Does no one else agree that 2–3 times a week is far far too much?

I agree this might be too much if they aren't that close and not chatty people but if they liked her then if 3 times a week wass too much they could be polite about it, it's just a text not much trouble to answer, or maybe they would answer once a week and say sorry been a bit busy or whatever. And they would 'like' some of her pictures occasionally even if not every one.

I don’t have any contact with my husband’s family except for one brother, but that’s because we had business interests in common. Don’t know when I last spoke to his mum or other siblings, he rings or texts them.

you sound really nice op, I wish you were in my family!!

I think you should look after your own feelings more and stop thinking of dh and his family, if they dont communicate then that's their problem. I know this will be hard for you to do and it wont come naturally, but you have really tried and they just haven't been very nice to you and the thought you have gave them all hasn't been returned. So now its time to draw back and look after your ds and you and let dh forget their birthdays etc, let them be angry with your dh and let them all deal with this. If they wont think of you its time to stop thinking of them.

Another thing to remember is that your DH doesn't bother - they are HIS family and he treats them as he has learned to, possibly for his own protection.

You have one relationship with your family he has an entirely different one with his. Your approach with them assumes they are like your own family, obviously they are not. Maybe your DH has it right!?

And don't worry about annoying them. That is you being you and has no bearing at all on how they will act or feel.

So yes, just stop... let him deal with his family as he will. Take his lead, he know them better than you do and may well have the right of it!

Just remember it’s their loss op not yours

What upsets me is that without me they wouldn't hear from DH at all. One had an important anniversary recently, so I reminded DH to call them, she was so pleased to hear from him and thanked him for remembering and calling.

And I was just thinking...

I did that. Me. And I can't even get a poxy 'like' on a picture of my DS?

Stop all the wifework. Let your husband manage his relationship with his family. It’s not your responsibility.

And don’t measure your worth in likes!

Yes, they used to text you back that much.

But we’re rhey sending you photos 2-3 times a week?

You were sending them all photos 2-3 times a week. Sorry but that is FAR too much. I didn’t even send that many to my own mother, and I’m really close with her.

I did that. Me. And I can't even get a poxy 'like' on a picture of my DS?

I think the bigger question is why is this so important to you? Is it perhaps that in having a child you’ve thrown yourself into the role of ‘creating and maintaining a close knit family’ and your ILs not falling in with this is why it’s bothering you so much, because you’ve made it your role? Again not a jab, just asking.

People are naturally more gooey over small babies than bigger kids, it’s not unusual. And honestly you can’t make people do things you want them to do or be how you want them to be, and over contacting them and being very ‘family family family’ at them is likely only going to push them away.

For yourself op could you widen your horizons so your world is bigger and it doesn’t bother you as much? What about other parts of your life? Friends, volunteering, work, interests and hobbies etc? Having a full and rich life/interests outside of family can only make you feel better.

And I wouldn’t necessarily entirely write off the ILs - agree on cutting contact right back, but you know them best and as you say they’re not a talk-y, touchy feely bunch. Doesn’t mean they really don’t care deep down, perhaps it’s just not them?

Perhaps every two months or so when you’re going to do something fun and interesting, invite them along in a casual way? Like, going to see a show, or to see a big blockbuster in cinema, or a trip up to nearest city to window shop/sightsee, or you’re having a party or a barbecue with friends - all that kind of thing? It should telegraph that this won’t be very ‘family and closeness’ oriented, just a bit of fun, so could help you all get back on more even footing.

I suspect it's to do with the additional needs. They either can't face the fact that their grandchild/nephew might be autistic or they think it's all in your head and there's nothing 'wrong'. I expect they're annoyed that you're 'trying to get him labelled', as they probably see it. Good luck with the assessment. Don't be disheartened if you don't get a clear diagnosis at this stage - help will be available to him on the basis of his needs, regardless of any diagnosis or absence thereof. You'll need all your emotional strength to make sure he gets that help and to support him yourself, so conserve it - don't waste it on those who don't deserve it.

My sister in law had a miscarriage and I would ask regularly how she was. If not to her then to ask my brother. I have been in your position OP my husband wasn’t that bothered about contact I thought it was important. Then I got slagged off by them that I was lazy (worked part time) and had 3 children and was on maternity leave. I spent all my husbands money (we had an extension built with an inheritance from my family) I told them to stuff it and told my husband he was welcome to see them still but I wouldn’t be. Not seen them now for many years. He told them as a parting shot that it was down to me that they were so involved in our lives and that would end.

I suffered anxiety but guess what? Do I have it now? No!!!

MoMandaS - initially they wouldn't entertain the idea of DS having AN and would repeatedly tell me how going to nursery would 'sort him out'

Great post from NewYearNewMe18. Definitely take care of yourself and who you are op, don’t get lost in trying to be accepted. You do you, as the Americans say!

They don't live close by pandarific

What does your DH say?

It sounds to me like your family and his family are very different, but you're trying to make them behave in a way that conforms to your expectations.

I think you're right to pull back. But talk to your DH about it too. If his family really is ghosting you because of your child, that's horrible and he needs to deal with that.

One SiL didn't even send DS a birthday present last year. I'd forgotten that. :(