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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with school?

77 replies

DeltaPitch · 29/03/2018 21:49

Ds (12) has ASD and has just returned from his week residential trip, We had planned to not send him but after much pestering from school about him missing out, agreed. I was informed that he wouldn’t be forced to do anything he was uncomfortable with and he would have a great time. He’s came back looking and acting a shadow of his former self, it’s heartbreaking to see. He has massive fears of water, the dark, danger etc. He says he had to take part in activities such as rock climbing, walks in the dark etc as there was no alternative and he was scared. He was told there was no other way back. I unpacked his case to find his clothes stinking of urine. He reluctantly admitted he wet himself as the instructor was ignoring his requests to use the toilet and they were in the middle of a forest. I instructed the school to give him his daily medication in food as advised by his gp to stop unessessary upset, yet they have taken it upon themselves to make him swallow the pills whole, not a problem as such but again undermining my instructions for him. School is now closed for the Easter break and I need to figure out how to tackle it when they reopen or if I’m just being overprotective. I appreciate their tactics may have been fine for a neurotypical child but they know ds has ASD. Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:

Dermymc · 29/03/2018 21:51

As a teacher that is bloody awful.

I'd email the head now. They will be checking emails over the holidays.
I'd compose a letter to governors ASAP too.

Your poor ds

Queenio24 · 29/03/2018 21:53

If he has additional needs the school should have taken account of those and it sounds like they failed badly. The fact he wet himself aged 12 due to the instructor ignoring him is disgraceful. The poor boy must be mortified. I would go nuts at whoever was in charge of the trip.

mnahmnah · 29/03/2018 21:54

Awful. This would never happen at my school!

CookieDoughKid · 29/03/2018 21:55

Definitely not unreasonably. Possibly a safe guarding issue? I would escalate this to the school asap. This sounds like a massive misjudgement by the school!!

IamAporcupine · 29/03/2018 21:55

omg that's awful, your poor DS!
You are definitely not overprotective, I cannot believe they did that.
I agree with pp write to them now, do not wait.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/03/2018 21:56

Another teacher here (secondary) and i agree that what you have described is disgraceful. Your poor son

It drives me at absolutely mad that some adults seem to make no effort to accommodate pupils with SEN. The staff at the venue wouldn't know your son but this makes it all the more important that his teachers who do know him well advocate for him!

I have a child in my form who has ASD and I would be devastated if what you had described had happened to him.

Pleas email the head - although it is the holidays they may see it or will see it first day back.

shakeyourcaboose · 29/03/2018 21:57

Sounds a difficult time, the only thing l could maybe comment on could be with regards to the medication. They may have been anxious about covertly giving it. Does he know that his meds are given like this? Hope he settles and enjoys the break from school.

Wolfiefan · 29/03/2018 21:57

YA SO NBU.
Your poor boy. There's a massive difference between encouraging a reluctant child to try a new challenge and forcing a boy with ASD to do activities he can't cope with. I can't believe they told you he wouldn't have to do anything and then forced him to take part. Outrageous. They should have planned what would happen if he couldn't cope with some things.
Can you chat to him about the trip and write down exactly what you're unhappy with so you have a record? Email to request a meeting?
I'm so sorry.

Grumpbum · 29/03/2018 21:57

Gosh, that’s awful your poor child. Email now with your concerns

Twogoround · 29/03/2018 21:59

Surely at 12 he knows to go the toilet before he leaves any where. And does he not know he can go in bushes .
If they are middle of no where there are not going to be toilets. Surely you taught him how to go the loo in bushes.

TansyViolet · 29/03/2018 21:59

Oh poor lad

Geneticsbunny · 29/03/2018 22:01

This is horrific. My son is disabled and I would be so upset if this happened to him. I would ask for an urgent meeting with the head and SENCO when you go back. You might be able to email and arrange it now. Write down everything your son says about what has happened and then try to get the schools story before you make any judgement. If it is as bad as it sounds I would consider reporting it to ofstead. At least he is home and safe now and you have a few weeks to build his resilience back up a bit.

MonsterKidz · 29/03/2018 22:01

I agree with the above, you need to email now direct to the head outlining what has happened.

I am a Y6 teacher, so slightly younger than your DS and organise a residential trip every year. This is unacceptable.

Rachiie · 29/03/2018 22:01

Omg that is absolutely disgusting, I would be fuming at the school. Definitely escalate it to the head, and further if you don't get a satisfactory response

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/03/2018 22:02

Yes Twogoround this is all the fault of the OP who wasn’t even there

MoorMummy · 29/03/2018 22:03

two I don’t have children with these issues, but your post is incredibly insensitive and unhelpful.

Delta I’d be beyond livid. Your anger and upset is completely justified. I hope your son is ok now he’s back. Definitely an e mail.

Geneticsbunny · 29/03/2018 22:03

Twogoround it isn't that easy with disabled children. The obvious isn't always very obvious to them and that is why he should have had more support.

SparklyMagpie · 29/03/2018 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MammaTJ · 29/03/2018 22:07

I would be furious and the time between now and when they return to school would make me more angry, not less.

They should have stuck to their promises.

NettleTea · 29/03/2018 22:12

my boy has ASD and there is NO WAY he would go in a bush, in the dark, in a forest he doesnt know. And he is a farm boy.
I would be onto the school like a bloody ton of bricks

Knittedfairies · 29/03/2018 22:12

That’s heartbreaking and disgraceful. Definitely send off those emails ASAP - don’t let the Easter break stop you.
Twogoround... that’s a stupid thing to say.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 29/03/2018 22:14

Yeah, not good.

Email them a brief complaint explaining you want an appointment with the person in charge (or HT) as soon as school reopens.

Don't go into detail about the complaint as it would give them a head start thinking of an excuse/reason/explanation.

Also mention that you have a safeguarding concern that the LA and OFSTED would not take lightly - just to ensure they take your complaint seriously and don't fob you off.

Not all schools are like this but some are.

Caribou58 · 29/03/2018 22:15

Retired secondary head here. I agree with the teachers commenting that it's not on - because it's NOT ON! Message me if you want to run anything by me before you contact school.

JaneEyre70 · 29/03/2018 22:15

Having worked as a carer, there are very strict rules about concealing medication in food/drink, so I wouldn't be too concerned about that aspect of his trip - however the rest sounds horrific, and you have to complain to the Head and the Governors on this. And I'd also contact the venue direct. Your poor DS .

Goldmandra · 29/03/2018 22:19

Twogoround, you are clearly cut from the same cloth as the adults who decided not to make adjustments for the OP's DS and caused him such distress.

ASD is called a disability for a reason. It is a pervasive developmental disorder that has a significant effect on you ability to lead an everyday life. Knowing you can do something does not make you able to do it.

My DD2 will seriously dehydrate herself rather than have to use a toilet away from home. She is highly intelligent and more than aware that there are toilets in school, theatres, restaurants. Her disability prevents her from using them. Maybe I should just teach her not to have a disability?

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