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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with school?

77 replies

DeltaPitch · 29/03/2018 21:49

Ds (12) has ASD and has just returned from his week residential trip, We had planned to not send him but after much pestering from school about him missing out, agreed. I was informed that he wouldn’t be forced to do anything he was uncomfortable with and he would have a great time. He’s came back looking and acting a shadow of his former self, it’s heartbreaking to see. He has massive fears of water, the dark, danger etc. He says he had to take part in activities such as rock climbing, walks in the dark etc as there was no alternative and he was scared. He was told there was no other way back. I unpacked his case to find his clothes stinking of urine. He reluctantly admitted he wet himself as the instructor was ignoring his requests to use the toilet and they were in the middle of a forest. I instructed the school to give him his daily medication in food as advised by his gp to stop unessessary upset, yet they have taken it upon themselves to make him swallow the pills whole, not a problem as such but again undermining my instructions for him. School is now closed for the Easter break and I need to figure out how to tackle it when they reopen or if I’m just being overprotective. I appreciate their tactics may have been fine for a neurotypical child but they know ds has ASD. Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 29/03/2018 22:28

We've been told we aren't allowed to 'hide' medication in food on camps. The reason is that the child may not eat everything on their plate, or another child may eat it by accident (regardless of how many times you tell them not to).

We will administer it in a food that has been provided. One mother sent a packet of small squishy brownies that the tablet could be put in for the child to eat, which was given to the child when we were administering medication. But we will not put it in a meal and make the child think there is nothing in there.

allchangenochange · 29/03/2018 22:31

I think there are regulations about having to see medication being ingested but the school should have told you that before your DS left.
It sounds as though there was poor communication between school staff who I assume were aware of the activities your DS would not be able to do and the staff at the residential centre. Without the communication about disability needs the centre staff sound like they have treated him as a NT young person who needs encouraged to push through their fear.
The only point that might have had no good solution is the toilet one, if they were in the middle of the forest there may have been no toilets to use and if your DS isn't able to go behind a tree they may have struggled to find a good solution. It is possible of course that if staff had checked everyone had gone to the toilet before they left this situation could have been avoided.
Do you feel there was enough communication about what your DS support needs were going to be before he left, were the school aware of the specifics? Where staff clear about the activities your DS would not be able to do? On the assumption they were you can highlight the conversations you had and the arrangements that had been drawn up and then ignored.

Barbie222 · 29/03/2018 22:34

I'm a teacher. That is absolutely awful. I really hope you can get some answers and assurances that lessons were learned.

Original poster

DeltaPitch · 29/03/2018 22:35

Thank you all for the advice and support. Just to address the medication issue, it’s not hidden and ds knows it’s there it’s for a couple of reasons he often gags when trying to swallow the pills which causes them to open up and the granules in the medication must be swallowed whole. It can also irritate his throat and stomach so should be swallowed with a spoon of yougurt. The school agreed to this and even asked me to supply them for the trip, which I did. No idea why they decided to change things once there.

OP posts:

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 29/03/2018 22:37

That’s not on. The teachers should have been paying more attention especially as they push3d for him to go. Hope he is okay. This is one of the reasons my DS who has ASD doesn’t want to go on his r3sidential this October. He has a hard time when they have a supply teacher with them not knowing about his routines and such so he’s terrifi3d he won’t get the support when he goes on the trip. Not to mention he still has night terrors and west the bed. I’ve not pushed him and he’s adamant he’s not going so that’s fine. I really hope you get some where because I knows schools can be a bitch when they are trying to cover there own asses.

Fluffybat · 29/03/2018 22:37

I'm a teacher too and this is outrageous. Email the head now- they will check them over the holidays. It sounds like they haven't taken into account your son's needs at all. I hope he is okay.

BigApple11 · 29/03/2018 22:41

Your poor son OP

tvhearts · 29/03/2018 22:42

This is really shocking and upsetting to read. I really hope he's ok x

Original poster

DeltaPitch · 29/03/2018 22:43

allchangenochange

Just to answer a few of your questions. Yes ds is perfectly capable of peeing behind a tree. He never has accidents so I can only presume it was anxiety getting the better of him.

School were well aware of his fears and assured me he wouldn’t be forced into any activities. I spoke to them several time including the 2 accompanying teachers even on the day before and morning of the trip. There shouldn’t have been any misunderstanding and I’m baffled by the whole thing. I will speak to ds again, he was very out of sorts today. Hopefully I can’t get more information about the why’s and how’s of what was going on.

OP posts:

LockedOutOfMN · 29/03/2018 22:44

I'm a teacher. This is really not on. Please follow up with them.

I really hope your DS can regain his confidence and spirit.

Teddy1970 · 29/03/2018 22:46

Ignore two OP, there's always someone ready to make a dick comment on MN...your poor son, and YANBU I would take this further, it's not acceptable.

allchangenochange · 29/03/2018 22:51

In that case OP the school need to look at how their staff communicate with the centre staff because it seems as though your DS has been let down as a result of that.

lostjanni · 29/03/2018 22:54

Ofsted. Ofsted. Ofsted. Report this incident now to them
Write to your MP and put in a complaint.
Governers.
Headteacher.
Senco.

Your son has been failed.

Rainbowcolours1 · 29/03/2018 22:59

This isn't awful and needs dealing with but please don't immediately go to Ofsted. They will expect you to have followed the school's complaint policy. Write to the head, outline your complaint and request a meeting, if you aren't satisfied with the outcome then followed the procedure, usually means you complain to the governors and they investigate. If you aren't satisfied after that then Ofsted may be your next move.

Ellie56 · 29/03/2018 23:04

This is appalling. When my son was in Y6, I was hesitant about letting him go on the residential trip, and like you, I was persuaded to allow him to go.

DS's school provided a TA 1:1 for the duration of the trip, and they said although he would be encouraged to try different things, he wouldn't be made to do anything he didn't want to do. The TA already worked with DS in class so he knew her well, and he knew most of the other staff who were going too, so he was happy to go.

DS came back having had a whale of a time, and the staff were all singing his praises because of how well he had done. That's what should have happened here.

I would be making a very strong complaint to the school. Clearly none of the staff who went with him had any understanding of ASD, or of your son.

MidniteScribbler · 29/03/2018 23:07

It doesn't sound well planned out. Only two accompanying teachers? How many students went? It would be very hard to leave one student behind and take everyone else to activities with only two supervising teachers.

I'm taking a student with ASD away on a camp in a few weeks and we have done up a separate form of an ILP for what is going to happen on camp. We're taking a dedicated 1-2-1 for him in case he refuses to do an activity who can stay behind with him. All of it is set out in the plan that the parents have agreed to and signed. He's worked with an aide on social stories over the last few weeks about what will happen, and his parents are reading them to him each night for the next few weeks. This has been done for all of our students with disabilities or behavioural needs (we're taking 150 kids away!). It's really necessary when taking students with additional needs away.

feska5 · 29/03/2018 23:10

Your poor son. It must have taken such a lot for you to let him go. You were reassured by school and you trusted them. They have let your son down disgracefully. You must be fuming. I would sit down tomorrow and write an email to school, ask for an appointment ASAP. Then try to enjoy your Easter as best you can. So sorry this happened to your DS.

VodkaRusschian · 29/03/2018 23:13

They may have been anxious about covertly giving it (medication)

This occurred to me too. I give my SEN daughter her tablets crushed up in yoghurt as she can't swallow them whole. She has severe LD and has no idea what the medication is for anyway, or even that it 'is' medication.
Her school and respite care, however, have very strict rules against giving meds 'covertly' and are not allowed to do it this way. I used to have to go into her school every day to administer the yoghurt.
I had to get special liquid meds for respite care so they could easily give it in a medicine spoon. There are some very strict rules surrounding medication.

Fruitcorner123 · 29/03/2018 23:14

I am a teacher and I have found your OP really upsetting. How horrible for your poor lad. I would be putting in a formal complaint and writing to the chair of governors. I really hope you manage to get him to feel better about things.

ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 29/03/2018 23:18

That's so awful. I'm so sorry this has happened to your son.
A good school should be able to accommodate an autistic child on a trip.
Someone very senior needs to apologise to your son for their failings.

ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 29/03/2018 23:23

Twogoround your comment demonstrates breathtaking ignorance.
I hope nobody ever trusts you with their disabled child, or even one with the slightest sensory issues.
You could try reading up about autism and the sensory struggle autistic people face. Start with the NAS.

BlankTimes · 29/03/2018 23:33

I am so sorry this has happened, typical school thinking you are an over-fussy parent and they can get him to 'grow up' and deal with things. That sort of attitude needs to be challenged very strongly. They even know he has a diagnosis, they have no excuse, what they did was disgraceful.

School were well aware of his fears and assured me he wouldn’t be forced into any activities. I spoke to them several time including the 2 accompanying teachers even on the day before and morning of the trip. I spoke to them several time including the 2 accompanying teachers even on the day before and morning of the trip. There shouldn’t have been any misunderstanding and I’m baffled by the whole thing

If there's ever a next time Delta, or for any other time you have to arrange adjustments for him, when you've had a conversation like that, email that person at the school and say just to confirm our conversation this morning, I'm so pleased you have agreed to make the following reasonable adjustments for my child [list of things school agreed to do]

It's called a Paper Trail and it's evidence you can use.

Poor lad, it will take him a long time to trust people again. Definitely complain formally and involve the Chair of Governors.

AjasLipstick · 29/03/2018 23:36

I wish society would accept that we can't ALL be sporty and pushy and loud and brave and stop trying to MAKE it like that.

Fruitcorner123 · 29/03/2018 23:37

I would reiterate that you need to involve governors. Heads are duty bound to inform the governors of complaints but if they have not been written to the head can report the situation from his/her perspective.

DailyWailEatsSnails · 29/03/2018 23:41

How good is he at making his needs known, OP?

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