To think therapy/counselling is not the answer

[onlytheace]

It is almost always suggested to people as something that can help them deal with problems, process trauma and generally be happier.

However, I think a lot of it is nothing more than the comfort of offloading to someone neutral in a “safe space”- it isn’t that they do anything special, it’s just sharing feelings. Yet they charge up to £50 a time.

Happy to be told I am BU but probably won’t agree!

I think therapy charges to do what a friend / voluntary organisation could. Sorry some have taken that as a personal attack: it’s not.

Well said MrsGrahamNorton

That’s a lot of money.

There are different kinds of therapy OP, was there one in particular you are thinking about?

I've had CBT and counselling, neither of which got to the bottom of the issue. I now see a private psychotherapist who has a degree and a masters to be able to practice and she has helped me enormously to understand myself, understand my emotional responses and for me to challenge why I think a certain way. She has helped my self-esteem grow but also learnt to accept that I am not perfect and am allowed to decide if I don't want to do something (rather than feel I should, and hate it, or feel guilt for not doing it and letting others down). She does this by listening, but knowing what questions to ask.

I strongly agree that cost is a real problem, but it is a problem with the system, not with the concept of therapy.

A remotely well-qualified (private) therapist is paying off years of university fees/student loans, paying for their own therapy, and renting the space in which they work, along with all other associated business costs. It is expensive to end users, absolutely, but it is not a cash cow.

If a client told me that they were not finding it helpful I would NEVER say it was because they had not 'done enough work'.
I would be interested to ask what they had / hadnt found helpful.
(at this point i would not charge as they are helping me too with feedback). If I thought a different approach / different colleague would be more helpful I would recommend.
Sometimes a client is not 'ready' to go deep enough to affect change.
That just means they are not ready at that point.
And I certainly dont think it is 'the answer' for all situations/people.
But some people find it very helpful.
And the therapist needs to have done enough work on themselves to ensure they are not transferring issues to their client. Its important.

How many friends do you know who would do couples counselling onlytheace?

I’m not sure. It just strikes me that I see threads pop up in active and say “my counsellor said this / therapist said that” and I know whenever people are confused or distressed, counselling is suggested as if it is the answer and I’m just not convinced it is.

As I have said, but it’s worth repeating, that’s not a personal attack on counsellors!

But a friend isn’t trained in what to say. A friend will find it hard to be non-judgemental. You may feel like your burdening a friend. You may worry how they will respond. A friend won’t know when to listen and when to dig a bit deeper.

My counselling was actually provided by a charity, but why does who provides it matter as long as it is the right person to help that individual?

Priests/vicars used to, re couples counselling.

Friends do not have the same relationship with you as a therapist.

And voluntary organisations are very, very stretched in terms of availability and resources.

Perhaps the OP expects friends and voluntary organisations to cover things like decorating, home improvement etc as well?

A friend is not neutral (by the very fact a friend has an emotional connection to you).

They haven't been trained to know what questions to ask the person that will lead to better understanding of the person's emotional response to things are happening now and also things that happened in the past.

This is a really timely thread for me bc ive decided not to carry on with it all today. a big part of the problem is how disruptive i find it - for example i got an email on monday saying she would call me this afternoon in order to arrange a session. i got no phone call, nothing. this kind of thing happens continually and i just find it too unsettling.

In my personal experience counselling is v helpful for situational problems, less so for issues without a clearly identifiable trigger. About six years ago I had a major, debilitating episode of depression and anxiety, which seemed only loosely linked to what was happening in my life. ADs made a huge, huge difference, CBT did very little. But last year I had a big recurrence, but this time after suffering multiple miscarriages. I didn't take ADs that time, but I did have counselling and it made a huge difference. Maybe it would have been nice if I'd had another space in my life to talk so completely free of judgement and useless if well-meaning advice, but I didn't and I don't think most people do. I had several friends and close family members really trying their best, but none of them could give me what the counsellor did.

With a psychological problem, I can't see how you can possibly distinguish between 'they believe it helped them' and 'it did help them'?

I've heard people swear by it and others who think it's rubbish.
I think you get something out of it if you are prepared to be open.
It's a way to clear your head or understand the way your thinking affects you.
Counsellors don't tell you what to do. They listen and feed back their understanding of what you say or feel and this can make you realise things about yourself.
I saw a psychotherapist on the nhs following a mental breakdown years ago. I didn't want to stay on medication and requested the therapy. It changed my life completely. That was slightly different to counselling.

Over the last eight years, I've spent about 20k on various attempts to resolve my depression. I have met numerous counsellors of differing sorts, many of whom were even flakier than me, BUT when you find the right therapist, it definitely helps. "Counsellor" isn't a protected term, so people don't necessarily have any training at all to set up in business - or only an "intro to counselling skills" - but at the same time, it's not just about the person's training.

Sometimes, all someone needs from their counsellor is validation of their feelings or experiences - but not everyone has friends or family who can provide this, or feels it appropriate to ask. Some people have horrendous trauma they need to process. Some people have pain so deeply and carefully hidden that they need help even to recognise it's there. There are absolutely some charlatans out there - and the worst person I ever saw was a medical doctor as well as a clinical psychologist - and it's not a panacea for all ills. But for some people, with the right therapist, it's absolutely life changing and even life saving.

If, on the other hand, you had said that magic stones were not the answer, I'd have said YANBU

Can I ask another genuine question to those who have experience of therapy (from either side of the 'couch') - If the patient is the one whose behaviour is outside social norms, do therapists ever tell the patient that they are the one in the wrong? Or is it impossible given that they only hear the patient's side which is naturally biased.

Obviously I'm not talking about forensic psychiatrists who are working with criminal socio/psychopaths or indeed therapists who are helping people to get over life traumas where they were clearly a victim. I am more curious about relationship counsellors who only see the patient and not their partner/ parent/ sibling etc.

From the outside I have the impression that much relationship counselling is an echo chamber to tell you that you are justified in your feelings and expectations. But do they sometimes encourage you to see your behaviour from different perspectives?

I don't think I've been very articulate, but I'm trying to find out whether counsellors are just 'yes-men'. I know they can work wonders to help someone who has been wronged stand up and believe in themselves again. But is the opposite also possible in therapy? Showing someone they've been hurtful to others?

Sooty I’ll engage when you stop trying to make shitty digs at me.

Voluntary organisations cannot provide what private therapists do.... because they don't have enough money.

Priests and vicars? Yeah I'm sure my Catholic priest would have encouraged me to divorce my abusive ex

Well, counselling isn’t recommended when there’s an abusive relationship, which is strongly indicative to me.

I agree, just a money spinner. You get more benefit from sharing a bottle of wine with a mate

Not if you're receiving counselling for alcoholism.

If he’s abusive you need to leave, not get counselling. Counselling is not recommended from anyone where there’s abuse.

priests/vicars used to

I’ve worked ft for churches for 15yrs. I’m not sure if you’re aware but most priests do not have time to train as therapists and therefore would be doing a disatisfactio to anyone they tried to counsel more than regular pastoral counselling (listening and praying). Being ordained involves a lot of moving chairs and a lot of meetings.

I would also not chose to talk to my priest, or any I’ve worked with. I mean, they’re great, but they have a different specialism.