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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Planning a third (or fourth) child

91 replies

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/03/2018 21:11

DH and I are thinking about adding to our family and we are considering trying for another baby in Summer.

I have a two year old and her brother is 20 months younger. They are great and life is tough at times but I wouldn't change it.

Speaking to a couple of friends and family I'm finding people are pretty unsupportive about the plan to have more children. Common reactions are
"Quit whilst you're ahead"
"Don't tempted fate"
"Why?!"

But I exoerienced none of this planning on going from one to two. In fact it seems to be actively encouraged.

AIBU to be a bit cheesed off at the insinuation that I'm being greedy or selfish for wanting the big family I've always dreamed of? Anyone else had this?

DISCLAIMER: believe me, I know how very very lucky I am. I am pushing 40 and have had a mc in the past - and I'm not daft enough to think it mightn't happen again. But I dearly just want to shoot for the moon and we are fortunate enough to be in a position to afford to make our wish a reality. I'm just struggling with the negativity.

OP posts:

cadburyegg · 25/03/2018 21:20

Part of it might be because you have “one of each” - I’ve noticed people seem to think the optimum family involves a child of each gender and once you have that then you should stop. Bollocks to that. If you want another child have one!!

We have 2 boys, I’d actually love a third baby but it’s not really practical or affordable for us. So I’m jealous. Go for it! YANBU

TittyGolightly · 25/03/2018 21:23

Personally I’d never want to be outnumbered. We stopped at one.

What if number 3 was actually numbers 3,4 and 5?

potatomama · 25/03/2018 21:23

It's weird isn't it that two is the number you 'should' have. I'm happy with just one, but apparently that's not enough.

fromnowhere · 25/03/2018 21:24

It’s your choice, but people are probably just saying these things because they know how much work 3+ children can be and because they care about you and worry that your age might cause complications. Only you would know if any of these comments are malicious?

Justanotherzombie · 25/03/2018 21:25

For us #3 was the straw that broke the camels back. It's very very different to two in my experience and a lot of people with 3 have said that to me. We've just had a fourth and it's no different than 3 so far! So I think 3 kids is a massive jump in terms of stress and chaos, certainly if they are all close in age.

Maybe that's what some people are talking about? But yes, people are not excited for you beyond 2 in my experience. Didn't bother me!

Fruitcorner123 · 25/03/2018 21:25

I've just had my 3rd and I have had lots of "There's always one left out if you have three" "threes a crowd " "you'll be outnumbered" etc. But it's been wonderful and she brings us every bit as much joy as the other 2. I would have a fourth but DH is not.so keen.

I would say consider leaving a bigger gap though cos three pre school age sounds like hard work!

Jengnr · 25/03/2018 21:28

All those answers suggest you’re asking before rather than ‘what would you think if I told you I was having another?’

Three is a gamechanger though. It’s worth thinking about.

MiniAlphaBravo · 25/03/2018 21:30

Yeah op I agree, I would love a 3rd but my parents have already told me no way should we consider this and I would honestly be terrified to tell them if I did ever get pregnant with a 3rd (not currently planning to btw). Society just seems to think two is the perfect number. Three is considered a big family these days.
Having said that my two are driving me crazy at the moment so maybe I should just stick with two!!

LokiBear · 25/03/2018 21:31

Don't tell people you are planning to try. People have an opinion on everything and, generally, love to share. I have two girls. I have discovered that everyone has an opinion on this and reasons as to why I should or shouldn't try for a third baby. My mil thinks I should try for a boy for dh. My mum tells me to quit whilst I'm a ahead, a third could end up like my youngest brother. I ignore them all. Nod and smile. I have no plans for a third, but if I chsngevmy mind I will tell no one.

branstonbaby · 25/03/2018 21:34

Just don't ask people for opinions, especially if you don't want to hear them.

It's no one's business but your own.

lostlalaloopsy · 25/03/2018 21:35

I have 3, everyone told I was mad as I already had a boy and girl. But dc3 is a treasure who is adored by her older siblings. It is tricky with 3, we needed to get a bigger car and will end moving to get another bedroom. But when they are getting along it's lovely to see, it's usually the older 2 that do most of the fighting!

I won't have any more, dc3 is that bit older now and that makes days out/holidays much easier! Also I couldn't cope with another pregnancy.

Original poster

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/03/2018 21:49

Oh undoubtedly I should just keep.my trap shut. That I know and will be making sure I stick to from now on!

I think I'm just a bit staggered at the belief as PPs have said that two (one of each sex) means youve "done it" and "you can stop now".

And this is just from me taking about work (I've just started somewhere new) and if/would I qualify for maternity should we go for number three. Or even four...

OP posts:

Babyplaymat · 25/03/2018 21:51

We had an accidental #3, and didn't really get much negativity but probably because it was a done deal, I was pregnant. My mum kept on and on about how would I cope etc, but that is what she does. 😂

I've never been one for discussing this sort of thing with others tbh, and I would heartily recommend holding your own counsel in this regard!

Alabama3 · 25/03/2018 21:52

It's weird isn't it that two is the number you 'should' have. I'm happy with just one, but apparently that's not enough

I have 2, just to replace dh and me

Babyplaymat · 25/03/2018 21:52

Oh yes, and we had one of each too. And a nigh on 6 year age gap between #2 and #3 so there was a fair amount of surprise.

KERALA1 · 25/03/2018 21:54

I think most people consider there are far too many humans on the planet as it is so having more than 2 (replacement for you both) seems rather greedy and unnecessary. That's why. But they are too polite to actually say that

GreenTulips · 25/03/2018 21:59

Sadly the world is set up for 2+2 which is why the jump seems more like a leap!
Supermarkets holidays cars discount deals competitions you name it - all aimed at the perfect family size .....

Personally I have 3 and can see why 2 would've been easier all round

Chicci1 · 25/03/2018 21:59

I have one of each and have been truly shocked by the number and range of people who have congratulated me specifically on the fact of having a boy and girl and told me that I can shut up shop now.

Original poster

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/03/2018 22:01

@Kerala1

Trust me, one of my friends really hasn't been too polite to say...

OP posts:

Babyplaymat · 25/03/2018 22:02

This is an interesting read r.e. population growth

theconversation.com/is-the-earth-over-populated-86555

Ariesgirl1988 · 25/03/2018 22:04

It's not really anyone's business if you want another baby so long as both you and your DH want one or two more its absolutely no one's business . Maybe just not tell anyone and try regardless and if anyone else makes comments tell them to mind their own business!

BubblesBuddy · 25/03/2018 22:15

People with loads of money have large families and pay for help. Poorer people are always looking for help with their children for free. Just decide which category you are and make your decision based on that! Are you going to be self-sufficient or are other mums going to be taking your eldest to swimming classes after school because you can’t? Are your parents/friends willing helpers or do they deserve a life of their own? Will the children fit in your car? Will you have enough money to pay university costs and help three with housing costs? Will you be knackered?

We do need children in this country so they pay taxes in 21 years! It’s vital! No problems in having 3, but make sure you are able to cope. I did get a bit fed up when mums of larger families were always trying to get others to look after their children.

BigPinkBall · 25/03/2018 22:17

I think the “there’s too many people in the world already” argument is cruel, as if that’s going to stop anyone who wants a child. When I wanted to be pregnant it was all consuming, and I wouldn’t have given up my chance to be a mother just because other people have lots of children too. If it’s an argument for anything it’s only useful for better birth control and better access to family planning services to prevent unwanted pregnancies.

KERALA1 · 25/03/2018 22:21

Why is it cruel? It's true.

TheVanguardSix · 25/03/2018 22:25

Who cares what people think. If it's what you want, go for it.

I had DCs 2 and 3 at 38 and 42. I did have a stillbirth and two MCs in between, so the reality is that after 38, our 'old' eggs can let us down, heartbreakingly so. It would be silly to pretend this isn't the case.
At the same time, try! You'll probably go on to have DC3 without any drama, so why not? I wouldn't think ahead though. Planning for four kids is something you probably don't need to think about. I assume your youngest is about 6 months, so I'd just focus on the two little ones you have, try for three when you're ready and put four waaaay on the back burner. You can drive yourself mad and it can detract from the present. Focus more on now, is my advice, with a plan for number 3.

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