Planning a third (or fourth) child

[TheLegendOfBeans]

DH and I are thinking about adding to our family and we are considering trying for another baby in Summer.

I have a two year old and her brother is 20 months younger. They are great and life is tough at times but I wouldn't change it.

Speaking to a couple of friends and family I'm finding people are pretty unsupportive about the plan to have more children. Common reactions are
"Quit whilst you're ahead"
"Don't tempted fate"
"Why?!"

But I exoerienced none of this planning on going from one to two. In fact it seems to be actively encouraged.

AIBU to be a bit cheesed off at the insinuation that I'm being greedy or selfish for wanting the big family I've always dreamed of? Anyone else had this?

DISCLAIMER: believe me, I know how very very lucky I am. I am pushing 40 and have had a mc in the past - and I'm not daft enough to think it mightn't happen again. But I dearly just want to shoot for the moon and we are fortunate enough to be in a position to afford to make our wish a reality. I'm just struggling with the negativity.

Because it totally disregards the feelings of the person you’re saying it to, it’s no small thing to give up having a family and I don’t think the people who say it understand how emotionally attached you can be to the idea of your own future child.

I think follow your dreams and go for it. I have had my child bearing days I think but having a family is so wonderful so go for it. You don't have to tell people until well into the pregnancy if at all.

The way me and OH always did planning was to just stop using protection it didn't take long. Just stop trying not to get pregnant worked well in our case.

We were congratulated when we announced our first three children. When we announced the fourth, we were met with lots of 'oh!' style responses. My MIL actually said 'oh dear' and didn't speak to us for the next two days.

Lots of comments about how fertile we must be, the population, when will the fifth be announced (some people still like to ask me this from time to time) blah, blah, blah. As our kids are quite close together, people think it's ok to ask if we planned it this why (why do people ask these questions?).

Behind the scenes, we actually worked very hard to get our family after years of infertility and then lost multiple pregnancies. #4 was a surprise and I cried behind closed doors for months, worrying how I would manage away from my family and with no money for help. Whilst being very pro choice, I could never have terminated due to the heartbreak we had when trying to start our family (although am now sterilized) plus, we have a good marriage and a happy family life. As far as environmental issues, we are a very green family. I will only enter into such debates with people who don't use cleaning chemicals, disposable nappies, reduce their plastic use and are
conscious about their purchasing power, etc etc etc. Which isn't that many people, in reality. We are striving to bring up four hopefully like minded and eco conscious beings into the world, which I can only see as a good thing.

I have always wanted 3. After 2, we decided that we would probably have no more, but I am currently pg with accidental #3! I can honestly say I have had not one person genuinely happy for us. Most people have immediately asked if it was planned (rude!) and then you get a barrage of questions about the car, house, sleeping arrangements etc. I don’t care, I am happy and I know this baby will slot into my family one way or another! Go for it, but don’t expect others to share your enthusiasm.

@TheVanguardSix , I am sorry for your losses

We have 4 and it's very hard work and very expensive. We have spent years working around each other ( me nights and weekends) as we could never have afforded childcare otherwise, both of us have felt like lone parents , dh has spent most weekends doing everything whilst I was at work. It''s not much fun unless you have family willing to help. We found that help from family wasn't very forthcoming after the first two. We haven't had a weekend away even by ourselves for 18 years as no-one wants to look after 4 kids !!
Now they are teenagers they are even more expensive - driving lessons, helping them through Uni, man sized clothes and shoes which are expensive and eat a lot !
We didn't intend to have a big family and it has been hard. of course I love them all dearly and can't imagine life without them but that doesn't alter how hard it has been. Would I recommend it ? No.

I am pregnant with number 5 right now and I really couldnt care less if someone else thinks I should have only had two.
Do what works for your family OP

Other people's opinions on this matter are so deeply odd. If you want more children, and you have the resources to support them yourself as you say, then why not? People are ridiculously over forthcoming with their opinions on these topics. Having said that, they may just be concerned, as a lot of posters with more than two children have pointed out. There is a lot of people saying 3 is a jump in terms of work! I've always thought I wanted three though. Number one, a boy, is 2 and number two, a girl, is on the way so doubtless people will be overly candid with their opinions that we should stop there, although doubtless if they were both the same gender those same people would be keen to ask if I was going to keep trying for whichever I didn't have. If you feel you can handle more, then that is your answer.

We had a planned 4th just before I turned 41, even though it has been exhausting at times I have no regrets. I think I would have had regrets if I hadn't though. Both sets of parents thought we were mad but absolutely dote on him even though he can be a little terror

So I'm a reading right that you have a 4 months old baby and a 2 year old? If that's the case hardly suprising that people have are being a bit shocked at your planning a 3rd.

Tbh my third was my toughest and nearly broke our marriage in terms of sleep deprivation and no time for each other. There's two years between my younger ones and tbh I feel my middle.one did have many of their needs overlooked as I was dealing with the baby and older dc

Poorer people are always looking for help with their children for free.

* Eh?!*

No regrets at having three. I found the biggest jump was going from one to two. They're all teenagers now, very close. Oldest two are at the same uni. Youngest misses them when they're away, but despairs when he can't get on the Xbox when they're back, so has resorted to telling them that as they're no longer full-time residents at home, they should to to the back of the queue.

Financially it was hard when they were little. I didn't work until the youngest went to school (so that's a good reason for having them close in age), but have gone from part-time to full-time. We've been sensible and saved to support them through uni (to make up the difference between what the loans cover and what they need to live off).

Most of my friends from school have three children Of the cohort of six who did the same course as me at uni, four don't have children, so mine will be working to ensure their pensions are paid.

We are currently expecting dc4 and haven't had any negativity! A couple of people have said we're mad but I agree, so it doesn't bother me!

Poorer people like me look after their own children.

I don't agree that the jump from 2 children to 3 is huge. I found it no different from going from one to two.

When I announced pregnancy number 3 I got a lot of shocked faces in response. My DC1 and 2 are girls so I had lots of comments about how I must be hoping for a boy. When Dd3 arrived someone even said "What a shame, a boy would have been wonderful".

If you want Dc3, go for it.

I have three. It was weird, plainly people felt there was no point having three unless the baby was a boy. She was in fact our third girl and one or two did ask if we were disappointed! Quite simply people seem to think two is fine, anything more than two is greedy, anything less than two is selfish.

I think people see it as excessive as you're actively increasing the population size rather than just maintaining by replacing you and your partner (or even better, contributing to reduction by sticking to one or none).

My brother had two and our parents' reaction to a third (behind his back) was "why the hell have the bloomin' idiots done that!?", knowing they were struggling financially with the two and in no fit state to add an extra mouth to feed.

Yes OP agree with other posters it may well be the 'pigeon pair'. We have one of each and so many people wrote in our cards congrats and a boy to complete your family. I found this extremely rude tbh. It may well be for various reasons but if we are fortunate then maybe not but that is our decision thank you very much not yours.
People seem to lose all sense of filter when its pregnancy or child related. No idea why.

Hope all goes well OP if you can afford it and you and your OH are ready then absolutely shoot for the moon. I wish you all the very best.

@branstonbaby

How depressing that your MIL didn't speak to you for days for having a 4th child. Jeezus fuck! What a vile way to treat your 'family.' Why such negativity?!

When I was a young lass (mid 1970's,) there were 32 houses in my road, and around 13-14 of them had 4 or more kids One family had 7 kids in a 3 bed house. The 4 girls slept in 2 sets of bunk beds in the biggest bedroom, the 3 lads slept in the middle sized room - (1 set of bunk beds and a single,) and the parents had the 7 x 8 feet boxroom! NINE people in a modest sized council semi! NOW people piss and moan at the council if their kids don't have a bedroom each!

Anyway, I digress. Although over a dozen of the 32 families in my street had 4 or more kids in the 70's, I can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of families I know with more than 4 kids now. I know FIVE families actually. One is my cousin (5 kids,) one is a friend from school (6 kids,) one is a friend of my daughter (she has 8 siblings,) and another is a friend of my other daughter (she has 6 siblings...) Finally, I know a family in our road (10 houses away - 5 kids.)

And I know just 4 or 5 families with 3 kids. Everyone else I know has one or two. (Or none!) So the odd one having more isn't going to hurt is it?! Especially as many couples only have one now, and some couples have none!

There are 7 cousins in my family (including me,) and we have have 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, and 5 kids. (I have 2.) So between 7 of us, we have 15 kids..... SO 2 kids each on average IYSWIM. My one cousin has 5, but the rest of us 6 cousins have 1 or 2. So it matters not that she has 5.

I contacted a friend I knew from little school last year (on Facebook) a girl called Lynn. And I told her I was married with 2 (grown) girls. I said how many kids have you got? She said 'oh gosh Kim, this is really embarrassing,' and put a blushing smiley. I said 'what is?' She said 'I have 6 children!'

I mean what the fuck? She was apologetic and embarrassed at having 6 children, like she had done something wrong or bad. Upshot was, she had been made to feel a bit shit about it by people, including extended family and so-called friends! She was still with the same man she knew from school, and they both worked, yet people made them feel bad.

I don't recall ANYone being made to feel shit for having 3 or 4 children or more pre 1980's. So I cannot fathom why people having more than 2 children get so much negativity. And I don't buy the 'world population' story, because most people in the UK, only have 1 or 2 children.

SO to @TheLegendOfBeans if you want a third child, then go for it, and fuck the haters!

I have a 2 year old and an 11 week old... ive always wanted 3 and definitely hope to have another. Im 30 so time is on my side but would like ds2 to be at least 3.

Funnily enough my dad asked the other day if we'd have any more... i said i would, dh on the fence.. my mum pipes up with "well it would only be another boy anyway" as if that makes a difference! Given im one of 4 shes also got a nerve! (I have 2 sisters and a brother).

I do look at ny squishy youngest tho and think "im not done!". But i had a fabulous water birth and he is such an easy baby so he may be lulling me into a false sense of security

Lets talk about replacement rates.

My friend had her 2 in her early 20s, as did her Mum, Grandmother and great grandmother. So when my friend had her 2 her great grandmother was in her 80s and had 2 children, 4 grandchildren, 8 great grandchildren and 16 greatgrandchildren. 30 descendants.

My family have more children each but have children later in life. When I was pregnant with DS FIL was 80. FIL had 3 kids, all his 3 kids had 3 kids and at his 80th birthday there were 12 descendants (including DS in the womb).

Which family has had the biggest impact on the world's resources? The one who had 3 children or the one that had 2?

If you can a)afford another child and b) both you and your DH are in a stable relationship and work together, why not?

It's no one's business but your own.

I have a 6 year old and a 20month old, both boys. Their father and I are divorcing, after a year's separation and realising we are all happier for it. He doesn't see them much,so it is hard going.DS1 has SN too.

If I had been in a healthy marriage,I would have loved a third. I can manage alone with 2, but think my baby bearing days are over. This is what I can cope with, maximum.

STBXH and MIL were both 'a bit disappointed' that DS2 wasn't a girl to 'complete' the family. That really hurt.Neither of them have ever shown much interest in him.Gits.

As long as you feel you can manage 3 young children potentially very close in age (and exhausting) and you can afford 3 teenagers in the future (who seem to be getting more and more expensive) then it’s no one else’s business really.

*Hilarious
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Yes, here too...and also other people's