Planning a third (or fourth) child

[TheLegendOfBeans]

DH and I are thinking about adding to our family and we are considering trying for another baby in Summer.

I have a two year old and her brother is 20 months younger. They are great and life is tough at times but I wouldn't change it.

Speaking to a couple of friends and family I'm finding people are pretty unsupportive about the plan to have more children. Common reactions are
"Quit whilst you're ahead"
"Don't tempted fate"
"Why?!"

But I exoerienced none of this planning on going from one to two. In fact it seems to be actively encouraged.

AIBU to be a bit cheesed off at the insinuation that I'm being greedy or selfish for wanting the big family I've always dreamed of? Anyone else had this?

DISCLAIMER: believe me, I know how very very lucky I am. I am pushing 40 and have had a mc in the past - and I'm not daft enough to think it mightn't happen again. But I dearly just want to shoot for the moon and we are fortunate enough to be in a position to afford to make our wish a reality. I'm just struggling with the negativity.

CountFosco, surely that is more to do with how early each of those sets of parents both began having kids?

I do think that there is merit in having them quite close in age; I think it's the idea of having five or six years of toddler madness concurrently is actually attractive as I'd rather not come out of it and go back in if that makes sense?

I have three, I would never ever change my 3rd as love DC immensely, however I am aware life was so much easier with two DC. Do what's right for you, ignore everyone else.

In the UK, the average woman has 1.9 children, so that looks a lot like replacement levels to me.

Anyway, I have three children and yet we are not wealthy nor do we get benefits, imagine that.

I have never leant on the help of others. My mum does a bit of babysitting, maybe three times a year. And all my children are very bright and have their homework and projects in on time. What a lot of ridiculous stereotypes kick in when you have one more child than others.

Sometimes the logistics can be trickier and sometimes, usually if there is a round of illness, it can get harder. But on the upside, between online shopping, dishwashers, washing machines, dryers, robot Hoover's, I don't think the labour involved in having three children has ever been less burdensome.

And it's wonderful having three children, the house is full of play and fun, they are always teaching each other stuff and it's been lovely.

For me, the hardest bit is another round of sleepless nights during the baby days and some people deal with that better than others but I am at the wimp end of the spectrum on that front. But mercifully, the baby days pass the quickest.

My third is perfect. I already had one of each sex so people presumed I was mad or it was an accidental pregnancy.

She's made life much better and I still think the jump from 0 to 1 child is worse than any other!

My mum has said that you just know when you're done. Could be 2, 3 or 10!! If you know you have the love for another, try. You will regret it all your life if you don't at least try!

You don't regret the children you have, just the children you don't have.

That wee snipped from a colleague always stuck with me and so we went on to have the number of children we wanted despite obvious surprise from others. No regrets here I don't think it is a good idea to discuss it though when ttc, because you will only hear opinions you don't want. People have an opinion on everything, one of my sisters has one child and always getting questioned about when number 2 will arrive, despite him being 7 now.

Well our 3rd turned out to be twins and one has SN ie. everything everyone warned us about but I still wouldn't change things for the world.

I would think very carefully about the potential for things not being as you expect though. Having twins put a huge strain on our marriage and DT2's SN have meant that after 4 years I stopped working, with all of it's impact on plans for the future, pensions etc. I probably wouldn't have had to do this with his particular SN if I only had one or two children but the efforts needed for him meant I was struggling to find time for the other children when I wasn't working.

You don't regret the children you have, just the children you don't have.

I can assure you, this is absolutely not the case for everyone. In a previous job, part of my role was talking to people about their life and the mental health and why they were seeking help, and it was surprising how many parents of both genders expressed they deeply regretted having their children or a child, and if they could go back in time they'd have never gone through with it.

It's not a socially acceptable thing to say, so if you've never been in that type of role where people are confiding in you and trust you not to judge it may be hard to believe, but it's true. Plenty of people do regret the children they've had. So it's a dangerous thing to tell people, what your colleague said, even if she believes it personally as it fits with her own life experience.

We have 3 children. My eldest isn’t my husbands, she is 9 and the other two are 4and coming 3. I work part time at the moment until they get through pre school etc but it is bloody hard by the time they are all up and dressed, dropped off at the various schools, pre schools, Childminder’s (all different places) then going to work and picking them all back up again. Then once they’re home the older 2 do nothing but fight and aggle on, then it’s tea time, lunches for the next day, bath times then getting them all to bed!

My only saving grace is they all go to bed at a decent time and sleep so I do get time with my DH but I am knackered! I’m only 29 feel more like 49 sometimes!

Now that they are getting older though I had said we would maybe talk about another when the 4 year old starts school (this year) but now that it’s gettinf nearer I don’t want to start again and as others have said I’ve always got it in the back of my mind about SN or any other problems so I have told DH I’m not sure I want to start again. Also my job I’m not keen on taking any more time out from it either

I had three under three when my youngest was born. She was 3 months early and I was constantly told I wouldn’t cope,I’d never get through it and one person suggested that maybe her prem birth was gods way of telling me I shouldn’t have had another child and she probably wouldn’t make it (asshole).

I personally found the transition from two kids to three the easiest. I joke that once you get past two you stop noticing.

You do what’s right for you and your family. Sod everyone else. If you can do it and want to- go for it!

From the woman ttc number four and whose friends and family would explode if they knew, and absolutely does not give a fuck. Don’t ask, don’t tell 😎

I agree you don't regret the children you have but you might regret having the number you have. Not that you would delete the existence of any particular child, you might wish you had had a smaller family. It's actually two different thing and obviously nobody is going to look at their 4 kids and pick the two they wish they didn't have!!!

People and families are sometimes broken (financially or mental health wise) by the number of children they have. So saying 'go for it, it will be fine' is not always right.

But none of us can know, that's for the parents themselves to judge.

Mine are 10, 9 and 7.5 btw. I’ll really be starting early.

*starting again

We have three, I honestly found 1-2 the hardest jump! I have 2 years between each of them. It can be chaotic at times but then so was two... a lot of families I know have three actually it's not as uncommon as you think! Unfortunately people feel the need to comment on your life choices and have an opinion on everything these days so I just wouldn't take any notice!!

I found things got easier when I had DC3. I think it was because I was outnumbered that I could relax into motherhood more. I had DC4. It certainly teaches you what battles need to be fought and how not to sweat small stuff.

The amount of washing and driving around should be considered. Especially when they do activities in their teens.

People were blatant about asking if it was because we wanted a girl when we told them we were having our 3rd (it wasn't, we'd happily stopped at two boys and given away all the baby gear when we found out we were pregnant with a fairly surprise 3rd baby!)

You can't win really, everyone has an opinion to a certain degree. Either we're cruel for having three, because of over population, or we're cruel because 'three's a crowd' ..... blah blah blah to be frank, 'keep your own house in shiny non stone throwing order before you start on mine' is my answer :-)

Really glad I found this thread. We are thinking of a third, have a 3 and 1 year old who don't sleep well so I'm constantly shattered. The reactions are interesting from my siblings ... I'm one of five. Two don't have children and are unlikely too. The other two have two each (one of each) and say we are crazy to won't a third. But we are all so close and I want that for my kids.

We have room and can afford it. I run my own business so can work around a baby which I'm very grateful for. The only thing putting me off is more years of no sleep!!

Re the overpopulation point, I get it but isn't it related more to Africa and Asia? Don't we need to continue having babies in the UK to support an ageing population? The last I read UK birth rates were falling? I appreciate the argument on resources etc but surely we need to all change our lifestyles as we can't stop having babies? I'm sure someone will correct me on this!

When DC2 was a boy following a girl my parents said we wouldn't have to have any more . Having been the elder sister of a Golden Child there was no way we were stopping at 2. DH was the youngest of 3 yet even the ILs were surprised when we had #3 and annoyed when we had #4! We actually had to pretend #4 was an accident to get everyone off our backs.

We both worked (shifts around the kids) and supported them ourselves. Tax Credits came in when they were teenagers so we did have a few years of benefits but they certainly didn't exist when we made the decision to have them. We never expected anyone to look after them - what a really odd assumption. If we couldn't do something then we didn't do it.

We went on to have a #5 many years later and nobody batted an eyelid. Because we moved not long after she was born, people we meet assume we only have one, and because we are now so old I think they don't like to say anything in case we waited a long time for her . Sometimes they'll ask if she's our first and I'll say no, she's the last of many.

People have been being told it's selfish to want more than two children because of overpopulation since the 1960s. Now we're being told we don't have enough workers to support the elderly so we have to have mass immigration. You can't win.

I think it often stems from having one of each sex and that being deemed the ‘perfect family’. When I had my first DC people were asking literally within weeks when I’d have another but after I had DC2 nobody asked at all. I do think it’s because I had one of each because I know people with two of the same sex always face the ‘ooh wouldn’t you love to try again for a girl/boy’.

In truth, it’s absolutely none of anyone else’s business what you choose to do with your own uterus. I’m currently 8 weeks pg with my fourth (although it’s following two miscarriages so I’m not overly hopeful) and I’m almost dreading telling people if it does all go to plan. Fully expecting the ‘hands full’ comments to return.

We've considered a fourth but one of the main things that puts me off is the thought of the constant 'oh you must be hoping for a girl' comments. I might just knock someone out so probably safer to stick to 3

To each their own and only you know what is right!
We have 3 and it's fantastic! I love seeing the bond my older one (6.5) has with her younger brother (1). It's great and I love it. I don't find it more stressful than 2 to be honest. It's different.
I think I would like a 4th but worried about the finances and practicalities...

We have 5. We found that people judged us for 1 and 2 because we were relatively young, for 3 and 4 because we should be complete by now, but by 5 they kept their opinions to themselves. There is almost 20 years between the youngest and eldest, and they are evenly spaced so we only have to deal with one lot of childcare or university fees at a time (though it's a long time to be paying out for!). We both work full time and always have, we have a lovely house, we more than cope (and though all of the children have done lots of activities over the years, music lessons, different sports etc) we've never asked anyone else for help much. My mum has babysat twice in the last five years, for example.

I hear a lot about how parents with larger than average families mustn't have time for all of the children, how they must struggle with the logistics or domestics, but that isn't my experience. The only thing we lack is time away from the home as a couple, but that doesn't bother us a great deal.

I have no issue with how many people have, if you really want a third and can cope, then go for it. Quite a few friends have had 3 or 4 DCs and my BIL and SIL have 5! It wouldn't be for me, though, just the thought of that many DCs makes me feel tired!!