To not want to apologise for being pregnant? *Sensitive*

[WelshieInIreland]

There’s a bit of a long backstory to this.
From reading up about it, I come from a ‘classic’ toxic family environment, with my mum having narcissistic tendencies.
Mum had me, then had an affair with my dads brother and was pregnant by him a few weeks later, which resulted in my sister. (Mum and ‘uncle/stepdad’ are still together, my dad emigrated when I was 4 and I’ve not seen him since)
I’ve always been second best to my sister, who is younger by just less one year.
An example I can give is, my sisters birthday is 2 weeks before mine. She always had lots of presents, a big party and an outing, whereas when it came to my birthday I got a token present as ‘there’s no money left in my purse’
There are many more instances over the years but I won’t bore you with them as I’ll end up being here all day.

I have 2 children from my first marriage which broke down when the dc were 2 and 3. I met and married my now dh 4 years ago. We are very happy.

My sister, (following in my mums footsteps?) had an affair with her best friends husband. They are now married and have a dc who is 9 (her dh also has a 10yr old dc)

Sister and her dh have secondary infertility. They have been trying for another baby for 7 years, have had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy.
They are saving for for ivf, I have put £1000 in their pot as a gift.

I fell pregnant in 2016 and now have a 9 month old ds. When I told my sister I had nothing but abuse for a whole year. screaming and shouting at me in the street calling me all the names you can think of. She said I was dead to her. I had phone calls telling me I was ruining her life, phone calls saying she was reporting me to SS for being a drug addict(?!?)so the baby would get taken off of me, begging calls asking if she could adopt the baby. My mum took her side and said I was only pregnant to spite my sister (me and dh had been trying for a year) and I was having the baby to ‘get back at her’ as I’d always been jealous of her as she’s prettier/cleverer/her dh has a better job than mine etc. It’s only since xmas when my ds was 6 months that we have started to build our relationship back up. I never received an apology for the way she acted but I was willing to just move on so we could be sisters again.

I’ve just found that I am pregnant. Early days but all going well I’ll be due at the end of October.

I’m absolutely petrified of telling my mum and sister.

I understand that infertility is an absolute bastard to go through, Not on the level of someone who is experiencing it of course, and have always tried my best to be supportive.

I’m absolutely over the moon to be pregnant again but I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy or celebrate it.
I’m tempted to not say anything and just avoid her but we work for the same NHS trust and it will be obvious soon.

I’m stressing out so much about this. I don’t know what to do.
DH said basically it’s her problem and not ours, and that she can’t expect us to not get on with our lives because she isn’t pregnant yet, comparing it to if someone won the lottery you would expect them to not spend the money just because someone else didn’t have any money, but I know it’s more deep rooted than this.

I want to add that she doesn’t treat anyone else who is pregnant like this, only me. Our cousin was pregnant the same time as me, and my sister was out shopping with her all the time for baby things, and organised her a baby shower (that I wasn’t invited to)

Does anyone have any advice? I just don’t know what to do anymore other than move away and never look back.

Ive been nc with my brother and wife for about a year now. Was low contact before that. It really really hurts to be nc but I know that nothing I can do will ever change his superior, misogynistic and disparaging view of me - and his wife mirrors his views. As does my mother actually. I tried so hard to please them. My whole childhood depended so deeply on pleasing him in the hope he wouldn’t hurt me -physically, mentally and although he didn’t touch me sexually, some of his behaviour was sexual abuse. And my mother let it happen.

You say about the guilt for not being the child of your uncle/stepfather. This is really vile. My mother made me feel guilty too for so many things so wholly out of my control. You were, groomed, trained. In the same way as your sister was trained and that training was so well orchestrated that even in adulthood you are struggling to walk away from it and your sister hasn’t even realised there was an issue.

Good luck with your pregnancy and protecting yourself against these people. They aren’t going to change and don’t deserve your love. A well written email to which you do not respond when you receive the response is the best way forward.

I wouldn’t want to be the cause of that.

You would NOT be the cause, her appalling behaviour towards you would.

Congratulations!

Infertility does eat away at you and sometimes it is hard to cope with other people’s ease at getting pregnant. But your mum and sister’s reactions are abnormal. This is not the reaction or even actions of someone who loves another. You really do need to remove them from your life. Your DH is right it is their problem but it sounds like any pregnancy is just tip of an iceberg and they have so many issues.

Good luck

Welshie, their behaviour towards you is horrific and extremely toxic to say the least, its abusive. It is quite obvious from what you said, that they don't love you, and they certainly do not like you. Nothing that you say and do will be good enough, you have to apologise for your own existence. Please give yourself the best birthday present you can give, and cut these evil people out of your lives forever. It won't be easy, but you will look back in time, and sigh with relief at the best decision you have every made. Love and value yourself now!

Your mum got your dc an i phone, that was designed to undermine you, and make you look bad in front of your dc, what loving and caring parent does that! A loving mum would have given you the money to buy it for your dc from you, with no strings at all and no guilt. YOU are not responsible for their actions, they are! So you have nothing to feel guilty about. You need to get past this.

Delete and block their numbers and addresses, and think about moving away in the near future for the health of you and your family.

OMG, your mum and step sister make Cinderella’s look cosy!

What bitches. They sent her to private school and not you? You have given your sister £1000 but didn’t buy your child a phone for her birthday? Something is very wrong here.

Don’t tell them you’re pregnant and when they find out-explain that you didn’t tell them because of her irrational and unhinged behaviour last time!

By the sounds of it they are always nasty and toxic to you, why do you put up with it? Id go nc if i was you, you cant plan your life around your file sister just because she is have fertility problems. They both alreasy have a kid each so its not like they have been trying for years abd are not parents. She sounds like a selfish horribke person and your mother sounds just as bad. And it also sounds like they are both jealous of you and your life by treating only you like that and not other people who were expecting. You would probably be better off without them in your life, its not like they are very supportive or caring toward you and your family.

I think you probably do need to tell them before they find out by other means, as at least that means you'll be able to ensure that it's in surroundings where you can protect yourself from a bad reaction. But I would suggest that if there's the slightest sign of a similar reaction to last time, you point out to them that, by apologising, they acknowledged that their behaviour was wrong and you therefore expect them to be sufficiently adult not to go down that route again. Warn them that if there is any repetition of the harassment tactic you will be calling the police, regardless of the effect on your sister's career.

OP you are the scapegoat of your family. It really is sickening, isn't it? Give up the dream that one day they will see the error of their ways. NC for your children and your sanity.

I second cupodteas advice. Email. Say your delighted but understand family pregnancies can be difficult for those suffering infertility. You'd love to hear from them if they can be positive towards you but if they can't you'd rather not hear from them.

What a lovely sister you are btw. A gift for ivf is such a lovely thing. Pity your sister is twisted by your mums behaviour.

They tried to take your baby away? Tell them to fuck off.

OP you sound so lovely! I have seen the desperation and misery infertility caused my best friend but she would be the first to agree that this is not a carte blanche to be so vile and abusive to a sibling or anyone else for that matter. I echo what everyone else said about the golden child and family abuse and absolutely recommend going NC too. You don’t have to tell her anything. At this point, your sister and mother forfeited the right to be involved or informed. Just start the process of distancing yourself now, including keeping your pregnancy within your own lovely family. After all the abuse and utterly unfair treatment you received, there is a certain sense of Karma about your sister for once not getting everything she wants, while you get none. She sounds far to fucked up and toxic to have a kid right now. Anyway, she at least has a child and hasn’t got some divine right to another. Congratulations and just focus on your lovely DH and children. Make a fresh start and get perhaps some counselling to help you with your new life away from those vile people.

This thread has struck a chord with me and I'm so sad for you, WelshieInIreland. I've spent my life wondering what was wrong with me, my parents and half siblings are family, as I was given up and have no contact with any of them and haven't for years in some cases and decades in others. Now I know there's nothing wrong with me. They don't love me. I don't love them. I've done nothing wrong. I'll never be their family. Blood means fuck all.

You have several options. Say and do nothing and if they approach you just calmly say you've nothing to say to them after how they have treated you and if they don't leave you alone you'll report them for harassment and sue for the £1000 back.

Or tell them how you feel, they might not know given they are horrible with no compassion, and that you want a break form contact until they can grow up and behave. Then never call them again.

Say and do nothing. Block on phones. Ignore if you see them.

Move.

Good look with the baby.

Do you know, I do think it might be a very good time for you to move.

If you go NC with your family, and you work at the same hospital as your sister, I suspect she might try and make things rather unpleasant for you at work, so moving a long way away from them and getting a new job where she knows no one would probably be a really good plan! Plus it will make the NC much easier.

I could be doing her a disservice, but somehow I doubt it...

Congratulations OP

They sound awful and if you choose to keep a relationship with them I would record the conversation you have with them when you share your news.

That way if any threats are made you have evidence agaist them. Hell, you could even go to the police with threats if you wanted! And maybe even play it back to them to show how toxic they are!

Why are you pandering to these people? They have never treated you well.

Tell them and be very clear that if they behave in any way like they did during your last pregnancy you will cut all contact. Be prepared to do it though as I doubt you'll get better treatment this time round.

Congratulations on your pregnancy- focus on your family and enjoying the anticipation of a new addition.

I've reread your first post several times now as I keep thinking I must have misunderstood, but I know I haven't. They sound completely unhinged.
I agree with everyone else; I would go completely no contact. I wouldn't bother telling them about the pregnancy (congratulations by the way!). I could vaguely 'get' slightly manic behaviour if they had been trying for their first for years, but what has been demonstrated is so unhinged it needs a whole new word. Your family is what you make it and you have your husband and children. Blood means nothing either.
Good luck 🍀

I would cut all contact now, behaviour will not change, they have always treated her abusively, they will play the victim, and put it onto op that she is nasty and in the wrong, that's what toxic people do.

You don;'t have to make a big drama out of it, delete their numbers, details, look to moving away. Don't reply to their phone calls or messages. Love yourself op, be kind to yourself, you do not deserve this treatment. I think by puting £1000 into your sisters fund, you were trying to buy their love and affection. You will never be able to please them so just please yourself. Your dh and children are your family now, not them.

No blood means absolutely nothing, your 'mum' I use the term loosely was just an egg donor and incubator, she did not love and nurture you like a proper mother should. You would not put up with this treatment from a friend.

Thank you all. I think you’re all just telling me what I’ve known for a long time. I’ve got a few —hundred— pages bookmarked on toxic families and FOG to read later when the kids are in bed.

Me and dh have just spent the past hour looking at houses to rent on rightmove!
It’s in the back of my mind that just moving away is a bit of a cowards way out, and that I should be stronger and stand up to them but at the minute it’s all I’ve got. DH is prepared to go in all guns blazing - he said he’s been waiting for me to give him the go ahead to tell them what’s what for years! - but I can’t be arsed with it all and am quite happy to just move along quietly and never look back.

RE the £1000 - I gifted it around 3 years ago out of a little windfall I had. I’m not going to ask for it back. Although my sister is (as someone up thread said) a bit of a wanker I do feel sorry for her as she too is just a product of the environment we grew up in.

We’re doing ok for money but, as I’m sure you’ll understand, when you’re on maternity pay you’re just that little bit more careful with big purchases, which was why I didn’t buy my dd the Iphone.

Thank you all once again. I’m so glad I posted this today, the support has brightened my day more than the sunshine!

If you feel more comfortable just going. That's fine.

As you work at the same place as your sister then she may hear you're leaving and then things may start up with her and your Mother again.

If DH wants to address it. Let him. You don't have to be involved. Unless you receive threats or abuse again then contact the police. Fuck her job. She is not your responsibility - your kids are. Set that example :)

Congratulations on the pregnancy

I am so glad you are seeing the wood from the trees, and the scales are dropping. I woukd be tempted to throw your dh in there to give them the treatment they deserve, whoop whoop for your dh. But I know you don't want that. Yes your sister is a product of her upbringing, but she is an adult and chooses her behaviour. Please get a massive pair if virtual scissors, and cut them out, and walk into the light. You do not have to tell them about yiur pregnancy, they don't deserve to know. Good luck for a new and much more positive future.

I’m glad you’re starting to come to grips with going NC, which you need to do even if you move away.

I’d let DH say his piece & get it off his chest if he wanted to.

NZ is nicer than Australia & no spiders or snakes! Hospital staff are always needed and working from home is common. But if your oldest two still see their Dad then I guess that’s off the cards.

I’m really sorry you were treat so badly as a child and still are being. Accepting your family, your Mum in particular, will never be the people you crave them to be us really, really, hard. But you have a lovely DH and kids, concentrate on them.

I am such a believer in forgiveness... But these people treat you appallingly and have shown no remorse. It will just get worse and ruin your happiness. Don't tell them about the pregnancy, move away, and surround yourself with people who care.

Well just delete and block their numbers, your mum will hear about it, but now you are a new and bigger more positive person. You do not have to have contact with this individual again.