To not want to apologise for being pregnant? *Sensitive*

[WelshieInIreland]

There’s a bit of a long backstory to this.
From reading up about it, I come from a ‘classic’ toxic family environment, with my mum having narcissistic tendencies.
Mum had me, then had an affair with my dads brother and was pregnant by him a few weeks later, which resulted in my sister. (Mum and ‘uncle/stepdad’ are still together, my dad emigrated when I was 4 and I’ve not seen him since)
I’ve always been second best to my sister, who is younger by just less one year.
An example I can give is, my sisters birthday is 2 weeks before mine. She always had lots of presents, a big party and an outing, whereas when it came to my birthday I got a token present as ‘there’s no money left in my purse’
There are many more instances over the years but I won’t bore you with them as I’ll end up being here all day.

I have 2 children from my first marriage which broke down when the dc were 2 and 3. I met and married my now dh 4 years ago. We are very happy.

My sister, (following in my mums footsteps?) had an affair with her best friends husband. They are now married and have a dc who is 9 (her dh also has a 10yr old dc)

Sister and her dh have secondary infertility. They have been trying for another baby for 7 years, have had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy.
They are saving for for ivf, I have put £1000 in their pot as a gift.

I fell pregnant in 2016 and now have a 9 month old ds. When I told my sister I had nothing but abuse for a whole year. screaming and shouting at me in the street calling me all the names you can think of. She said I was dead to her. I had phone calls telling me I was ruining her life, phone calls saying she was reporting me to SS for being a drug addict(?!?)so the baby would get taken off of me, begging calls asking if she could adopt the baby. My mum took her side and said I was only pregnant to spite my sister (me and dh had been trying for a year) and I was having the baby to ‘get back at her’ as I’d always been jealous of her as she’s prettier/cleverer/her dh has a better job than mine etc. It’s only since xmas when my ds was 6 months that we have started to build our relationship back up. I never received an apology for the way she acted but I was willing to just move on so we could be sisters again.

I’ve just found that I am pregnant. Early days but all going well I’ll be due at the end of October.

I’m absolutely petrified of telling my mum and sister.

I understand that infertility is an absolute bastard to go through, Not on the level of someone who is experiencing it of course, and have always tried my best to be supportive.

I’m absolutely over the moon to be pregnant again but I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy or celebrate it.
I’m tempted to not say anything and just avoid her but we work for the same NHS trust and it will be obvious soon.

I’m stressing out so much about this. I don’t know what to do.
DH said basically it’s her problem and not ours, and that she can’t expect us to not get on with our lives because she isn’t pregnant yet, comparing it to if someone won the lottery you would expect them to not spend the money just because someone else didn’t have any money, but I know it’s more deep rooted than this.

I want to add that she doesn’t treat anyone else who is pregnant like this, only me. Our cousin was pregnant the same time as me, and my sister was out shopping with her all the time for baby things, and organised her a baby shower (that I wasn’t invited to)

Does anyone have any advice? I just don’t know what to do anymore other than move away and never look back.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I often see 'go NC' on here and think it's an extreme suggestion but in this case I think it's the right advice. I could not have these people in my life at all and I'm sorry you've had to go through what you have.

Congratulations and I agree with all the other posters about NC. But I do think if you 'announce' the pregnancy in public they won't kick off there and then but it would give them so much ammunition to hurt you with.

Sometimes when you read these threads you have sympathy for both sides but not here! Your mother's and sister's behaviour is inexcusable. Given your sister's lack of self-control you wonder how well she would cope with having more children anyway.

When I was pregnant I delayed telling my brother and SIL far longer than I should because of their struggles with infertility. They were much more upset about that than they were about the pregnancy itself. Happily a couple of years later they had a baby themselves.

Your sister sounds just awful. Why on earth did you give her £1000? I can't imagine you've had any thanks for such a generous gift.

Stop doing things to please them and either cut them off and go no contact, or keep a distance. I wouldn’t have given her any money for ivf... you are too nice but you need to get tough and be strong. They are cows to say the least.... and probably will be awful to your kids.

Go no or very low contact,honestly. Your mum and sister are awful people, the pair of them. Leave them to it.

I have been through primary infertility and I am aghast at this.. who behaves like this seriously? You definitely shouldn't have to apologise.. they sound unhinged

but they’re my only family and I do love them.

But your family is your DH and children. Your mum and sister don't deserve you in their lives after their nasty behaviour. You may love them, but I don't think the feelings are returned.

I agree with pp, move and go NC, but give yourself time to grieve for the mum and sister you should have had.

I wouldn't do the meal for a few reasons

1. There is no guarantee they wouldn't actually kick off and even if they don't full pelt you just know they'll subtly destroy the atmosphere and stress you out

1. Ime people like that are unknowingly enraged by situations engineered to contain them. Don't create a worse situation than it already is

1. Although your sister doesn't deserve the consideration, it's actually a really cruel way to announce a pregnancy to someone you know is struggling with infertility. From that perspective it's generally agreed in here a written message is best as it gives people time to compose themselves. Granted your sister is a wanker but there is a sense of pride in retaining your kindness even if it's never repciprocated.

You owe these people nothing. Move away, start a new life and put all of this poison behind you.

This ^^ 1,000 times.

So sorry for how you've been treated op, have you ever had any counselling? Although it's not for everyone, I personally have found it very helpful for dealing with toxic relatives.

This is one of those rare occasions when I would send DH in to bat. He needs to tell them firmly that you are both overjoyed with the pregnancy and would like to share that with them. If they don't feel they can be happy for you they can keep their distance. The health of his DW and child are his no 1 priority. He will not tolerate a repeat of last time and there will be NC if they act up.

Wonderful news OP

I would cut them out of my life, too.

Life is too short to be so far down the totem pole with people who are supposed to love you and want happiness for you.

Good luck, OP. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

I really wouldn't invite them for a meal with others and announce your pregnancy there -- they could well see that as a deliberate slap in the face and take it very badly.
(I know it's nothing of the sort but narcissists will make it all about them and cause an enormous drama to boot. And even if they don't kick off hugely - a real risk IMO - it could still sour the whole occasion. Tell her/them on their own, if you're going to tell them at all. )

They treat you like Cinderella and you 'love them' ? I think you really need to take a long hard look at what example of how relationships work you are going to be showing your children. I bet the toxicity and second class citizens ship passes down as well. Reduce contact to as little as possible - if the harresment was that bad your husband though you shpuld call the police you owe her nothing ! And just a little more than nothing to your mother !

Congratulations on the baba x

Your family are a nightmare xx And you deserve so much better

Children always love abusive family members. It's sadly the only love they have ever known. Think both sister and your Mum are a bit touched in the head tbf...

there’s always that little piece of me that thinks one day they’ll realise they do like me and want me to be a proper part of the family.

You've got it spot on here. There's a part of you that thinks if only you put up with enough, if only you give them what they want, if only you're a nice, good person, if only you love them even though they don't love you, you'll be an equal part of the family and and receive the love you so desperately want.

I'm sorry to be so truly blunt, but it isn't going to happen. Both your mum and your sister believe that the world revolves around them, that the world owes them everything. Your mother's behaviour with your uncle shows that. And maybe part of the reason you're treated as you are is because you're not his - you're a reminder of your own father. So you're sister has been brought up as the golden child who gets everything, she expects to get the best of everything, and now there's something you have that she can't, she's back to being the child having a tantrum because it's Not Fair.

I don't think you will ever change that dynamic, it's too entrenched. Please don't hurt yourself even further by hoping that one day they'll have a Road to Damascus moment.

Look after yourself, your DH and your children. They love you.

There's nothing you can do or say to make them treat you well.

It's not a case of you trying harder, this is not a conflict based on logic

They are toxic miserable people, they don't love or care about you and you will never be able to do anything to change that.

What you can change is what you do.

Run far away from these people and spend your time energy and money on people that deserve it

Many congratulations OP, this is a bitter sweet thread.
Please be kind to yourself, you are worth it, and consider moving away.
💐

I think the most important thing here, OP, is to realise you have a choice. So far, you have put up with completely shocking behaviour from your sister and mother because they've been allowed to get off with it. Your sister is upset at your pregnancies, when she is failing to conceive herself, because she has been brought up to feel she must always have the upper hand compared to you. She is angry that this is now not the case, and venting at you in this horrible manner is giving her a modicum of relief. If she can't be happy, at least she can stop you being happy. You are the family scapegoat - proved by the fact that your sister is not angry at other people's pregnancies, including her cousin's.

What you have to do, OP, is to decide very firmly to decline any longer the position of family scapegoat, always doomed to be lesser than your sister. Your worth as a person is exactly the same as your sister's and mother's and it is time to act on it. Refuse to be the recipient of their negative and abusive feelings. If your sister phones to rant at you, put the phone down and don't pick it up again until you've had an apology. If she texts you negatively in any way, block her texts. If she insults you in person, don't open the door to her or walk away silently. Don't engage or explain yourself. Same goes for your mother. Simply don't indulge them in their subdue behaviour. Force them to think about your feelings and reactions - heaven knows, it's long overdue. While ignoring them, send both your sister and mother a brief text explaining that things have changed - that your sister's situation is in no way your fault and you are no longer going to tolerate being blamed for it. Tell them that your relationship with them has got to change drastically and immediately or there will be no relationship. Let them see if they want this. Be quite clear that it's your way or no way - it may just jolt them into a realisation of how they've been behaving.

It may be that the relationships here are unsavable - many people would have thrown in the towel long before now. It may be that you have to go NC with them - and long term this would probably be very good for your mental health. The crucial thing is to take back some control in this situation which is affecting you so badly. It's time to turn the tables on your abusive family members.

Go no contact with this toxic pair. You don't need them in your life at all. They have brought nothing but trouble. if you don't you can expect years more of the same.

Thank you for your support. I think I do need to go NC, I thought I bore the brunt of their behaviour but looking at it realistically I doubt I’ve shielded my older children (and DH to an extent) from it completely. My mum actually idolises my older dc and is always treating them, for example my dd wanted an iPhone for her last birthday but we didn’t have the money at the time, and my mum surprised her (and us) by handing over a brand new one as her present, but I suppose there is an undercurrent of ‘I love you more than mum does’ as she said to my dd something along the lines of ‘I knew mum wouldn’t get it so I did’

@cornettoninja thank you for your point 3 - I didn’t actually consider this, I was just selfishly thinking of ways to lessen the reaction towards me. I’ll not be doing this now.

And thank you to the poster who pointed out that my pregnancy is a red herring - you’re right! I think We’ll keep the news to ourselves for now (wouldn’t be telling the dc until much later anyway so no chance of a slip up) so we can figure out what to do.

We live around 30 minutes away from each other - don’t actually see much of each other, probably once a month, but my sister and I work at the same hospital although in different departments so see her at work all the time whenever we are on similar shifts ( has been lovely being on maternity leave and not having to see her all the time!)

I’m lucky in the sense that my job means I’m not tied to any specific location, and DH works from home so we could move. I was of the thought of ‘why should I have to?’ But the more I think about it the more I want to!

Congratualtions! You have very right to be happy and enjoy your pregnancy and baby. Your mum and sister sound very jealous (they remind me a bit of the wicked stepmother and sister in Cinderella). I would tell them you are expecting another baby and if they are exactly the same as before, just have nothing to do with them anymore. They will twist it anyway if you don't tell them and then they find out, so preempt that. If they are as abusive as last time, I would report them to the police. You have a right to be happy.
Think of it this way, do you want your kids growing up with this sort of negativity in their lives?

Another vote for NC from me.
You can try to change the family dynamic (which NEEDS changing) but it will be hard if they are not on board and wny put yourself through it when y ou are pg?
so sorry. toxic families are hellish