To not want to apologise for being pregnant? *Sensitive*

[WelshieInIreland]

There’s a bit of a long backstory to this.
From reading up about it, I come from a ‘classic’ toxic family environment, with my mum having narcissistic tendencies.
Mum had me, then had an affair with my dads brother and was pregnant by him a few weeks later, which resulted in my sister. (Mum and ‘uncle/stepdad’ are still together, my dad emigrated when I was 4 and I’ve not seen him since)
I’ve always been second best to my sister, who is younger by just less one year.
An example I can give is, my sisters birthday is 2 weeks before mine. She always had lots of presents, a big party and an outing, whereas when it came to my birthday I got a token present as ‘there’s no money left in my purse’
There are many more instances over the years but I won’t bore you with them as I’ll end up being here all day.

I have 2 children from my first marriage which broke down when the dc were 2 and 3. I met and married my now dh 4 years ago. We are very happy.

My sister, (following in my mums footsteps?) had an affair with her best friends husband. They are now married and have a dc who is 9 (her dh also has a 10yr old dc)

Sister and her dh have secondary infertility. They have been trying for another baby for 7 years, have had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy.
They are saving for for ivf, I have put £1000 in their pot as a gift.

I fell pregnant in 2016 and now have a 9 month old ds. When I told my sister I had nothing but abuse for a whole year. screaming and shouting at me in the street calling me all the names you can think of. She said I was dead to her. I had phone calls telling me I was ruining her life, phone calls saying she was reporting me to SS for being a drug addict(?!?)so the baby would get taken off of me, begging calls asking if she could adopt the baby. My mum took her side and said I was only pregnant to spite my sister (me and dh had been trying for a year) and I was having the baby to ‘get back at her’ as I’d always been jealous of her as she’s prettier/cleverer/her dh has a better job than mine etc. It’s only since xmas when my ds was 6 months that we have started to build our relationship back up. I never received an apology for the way she acted but I was willing to just move on so we could be sisters again.

I’ve just found that I am pregnant. Early days but all going well I’ll be due at the end of October.

I’m absolutely petrified of telling my mum and sister.

I understand that infertility is an absolute bastard to go through, Not on the level of someone who is experiencing it of course, and have always tried my best to be supportive.

I’m absolutely over the moon to be pregnant again but I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy or celebrate it.
I’m tempted to not say anything and just avoid her but we work for the same NHS trust and it will be obvious soon.

I’m stressing out so much about this. I don’t know what to do.
DH said basically it’s her problem and not ours, and that she can’t expect us to not get on with our lives because she isn’t pregnant yet, comparing it to if someone won the lottery you would expect them to not spend the money just because someone else didn’t have any money, but I know it’s more deep rooted than this.

I want to add that she doesn’t treat anyone else who is pregnant like this, only me. Our cousin was pregnant the same time as me, and my sister was out shopping with her all the time for baby things, and organised her a baby shower (that I wasn’t invited to)

Does anyone have any advice? I just don’t know what to do anymore other than move away and never look back.

What the hell have I just read

These people will bring you down they treat you despicably

Do not allow them in your children's lives to ruin them as they have you.

For the love of god go none contact

Me and dh are nc with all our dps. My family is dh +dc and that's more than enough. . Your dc def don't need people like them around - and neither do you. Actually you should be protecting them from their sort.

Wow, thank you. I don’t know if it’s the hormones but I’m in tears here.

I think I’ve known for a long time that they don’t love me and that I need to get away From them but there’s always that little piece of me that thinks one day they’ll realise they do like me and want me to be a proper part of the family.

I’m only on the cusp of realising that this is not a normal family set up - it was a stately homes thread that pointed me in that direction. I’ll look up FOG now, thanks.

And thank you for all the congratulations- I really am excited! It will be my 4th baby but mine and dh 2nd together.

Don’t understand why you’re not nc. I’m afraid your sister has serious issues. Please contact the police non emergency line to give them the heads up because if she kicks off again, she needs a bloody short sharp shock to stop her ridiculous behaviour.

How does she treat your dc? And what does her dh say about her campaign of nastiness against you?

It’s time to focus on your family- your children and your husband.

You will always be a scapegoat to your mother and sister- they will never be the family you want them to be.

Infertility is a terrible thing, and it is hard being around pregnant women and babies. It is absolutely not a licence to abuse, harass or blackmail anybody, which is what your sister has done. I would steer clear tbh, and I would report any harassment to the police if she starts again.

I can't believe you're still in contact with them!

I know it’s ever so easy to bandy the term NC In here

But I truly struggle to u seratand what you gain from these awful women and what they provide in terms of love , nurturing and self esteem

They should have your back and love you and instead they treat you so awfully

I am so sad you didn’t get the mother and sister you clearly deserve OP

I would not tell them . And be very busy and keep your distance . Start slowly and send time more loving people

When they eventually find out just say ‘yeah I didn’t tell you as I couldn’t face the verbal abuse’

For the birthday issue alone I would have noped out of there long ago OP. Protect your children from this clusterfuck.

Congratulations

We tried for six years before dd came along and I have to say family pregnancies were my trigger point....but your mum and sister are twisted.

Ideally you really should walk away (genuinely. Is this how you want your children to see you being treated?) but I get you love them. Well in a way, I think you love the fantasy of what they should be to you. either way you need some coping strategies, it's worth looking into counselling or mindfulness to see if it can give you any tools to give you the strength to minimise their impact on you.

You will have 4 wonderful kids who are going to surround you with love for the rest of your life.

They dont deserve to even be in the same room as you or your children. They are utter fuckers.

There is nothing that will change this, They both have treated you appallingly & as you have been emotionally abused by your mother, you became the scapegoat child, (look it up) & are now coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). These ate toxic damaged people.
You could give your sister the moon, she would demand the stars.
Just Stop
The very best action is not to tell them, about this, or anything else, ever.
When your Mother is elderly she will expect you to do everything (& pay)
Stop this now. She has her Golden child after all

They're not your only family. Your DH and children are. I think you'd feel much better for getting them out of your lives tbh.

Moving away could be a possibility- we will need a bigger house as only have 3 bedrooms at the minute. Would actually be quite easy as (never thought I’d say this) thankfully we only rent so not as much hassle as selling/buying.

Emailing is a great idea - I was toying with the idea of having a dinner for my birthday next month to announce, and inviting them, along with others as theres no way they would kick off if In company.

Another one for going NC. They bring nothing positive to your life and I bet without them things will be a lot better!

Can you realistically move away for a fresh start? How close to you live to them?

They wanted to take your child off of you.

And if they couldn't have it they didn't want you to have it either.

If your sister does have another child how do you think yours are going to be treated in comparison?

Be strong and make the break for them. Because sure as shit any child your sister produces will have everything she did compared to you and yours.

I wouldn't invite them out for a meal. You need to start the gradual process of removing them from your life.

I would get the move all sorted and then let them know via email that you are moving because you need more space for the baby. Then If it kicks off you've already got your escape tunnel in place and you can choose whether you give them the new address.

I wont hijack the thread with examples of my Mothers crazily horrendous behaviour.i will however explain the low or NC situation.

Very low or NC is the only way to go. I think in your case NC. One of my sisters has had NC for ten years now and I am incredibly low contact, birthday and Christmas cards only and ring her roughly twice a year. Of the six dc my Mother has the most stable and not totally crushed by her are us two. It also means that the contact I have with the siblings in touch with her is lower because all they can talk about is her sometimes.

She has a golden child, it shows she is capable of loving just like your situation but it's only one of her dc, the youngest sister who really has the same physical look of my Mother.

I have always said if she was awful to all of us it would be easier to cope with. That is what really hurts, I accept it's actually her issues and and not an issue with me though I spent many years trying to figure out what I had done wrong. All I did wrong was being born to her and it's not a choice is it op.

Remember nothing you ever do will be good enough because they are so messed up headwise it's not possible. Just rejoice you are not them.

well screw that.

i know infertility is horrible, took us 10 years to be able to have our DD in 2014 and we got zero help and couldnt afford private.

now pregnant again and i see the green eyed monster in others as i suffered it myself.

Go non contact and be prepared for shit hitting the fan - but any malicious calls made to anyone will soon be discovered and in the end only hurts them as some places for IVF do background checks - major red flag there.

wishing you all the best.

You owe these people nothing. Move away, start a new life and put all of this poison behind you.

You are not responsible for your sister’s happiness and her secondary infertility. Quite frankly she should be greatful she has at least has one child and should be greatful you were supportive enough to give her a £1,000 towards having another baby.

With what your mother said to you and how your sister acted. You need to break contact at least until after the baby is born. You don’t need this stress while pregnant. Both of them have little morals and don’t care how their behaviour effects you. They are toxic and unfortunately will not change without self-awareness and counselling.

You have nothing to apologise for. They are the problem , not you! If you need to confront them, stand up for yourself and say “ I didn’t realise I needed your permission to get pregnant since it’s my body. If you think all my actions are to spite you, you need to get a life , get some therapy and stop talking to me .”

They are not your only family. You have built a real family for your self and they are the ones I suggest you focus on.

Family are meant to love and support you, these people don't.

They gave up the name family when they didn't treat you as family.

This is the test, their behaviour once they know would be the decider for me about my next course of action.

Nc or lc is not a punishment and not something you need to feel guilty about. It is a strategic choice to keep yourself and your emotions safe. It's only a choice because nothing else has worked and your left with no other step to take.

Put yourself and your real family first.

You should like such a lovely person.
You have somehow managed to continue to love these people in spite of all the horrible things they have put you through.
They don’t deserve any more chances.

Perhaps walking away from them might be the best way to show them how strong you are

Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy it and the wonderful family you have created

Congratulations on your pregnancy. There’s only one way forward with this, and that would be going NC with your mum and sister. They’re not nice people! Enjoy your pregnancy.