To not want to apologise for being pregnant? *Sensitive*

[WelshieInIreland]

There’s a bit of a long backstory to this.
From reading up about it, I come from a ‘classic’ toxic family environment, with my mum having narcissistic tendencies.
Mum had me, then had an affair with my dads brother and was pregnant by him a few weeks later, which resulted in my sister. (Mum and ‘uncle/stepdad’ are still together, my dad emigrated when I was 4 and I’ve not seen him since)
I’ve always been second best to my sister, who is younger by just less one year.
An example I can give is, my sisters birthday is 2 weeks before mine. She always had lots of presents, a big party and an outing, whereas when it came to my birthday I got a token present as ‘there’s no money left in my purse’
There are many more instances over the years but I won’t bore you with them as I’ll end up being here all day.

I have 2 children from my first marriage which broke down when the dc were 2 and 3. I met and married my now dh 4 years ago. We are very happy.

My sister, (following in my mums footsteps?) had an affair with her best friends husband. They are now married and have a dc who is 9 (her dh also has a 10yr old dc)

Sister and her dh have secondary infertility. They have been trying for another baby for 7 years, have had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy.
They are saving for for ivf, I have put £1000 in their pot as a gift.

I fell pregnant in 2016 and now have a 9 month old ds. When I told my sister I had nothing but abuse for a whole year. screaming and shouting at me in the street calling me all the names you can think of. She said I was dead to her. I had phone calls telling me I was ruining her life, phone calls saying she was reporting me to SS for being a drug addict(?!?)so the baby would get taken off of me, begging calls asking if she could adopt the baby. My mum took her side and said I was only pregnant to spite my sister (me and dh had been trying for a year) and I was having the baby to ‘get back at her’ as I’d always been jealous of her as she’s prettier/cleverer/her dh has a better job than mine etc. It’s only since xmas when my ds was 6 months that we have started to build our relationship back up. I never received an apology for the way she acted but I was willing to just move on so we could be sisters again.

I’ve just found that I am pregnant. Early days but all going well I’ll be due at the end of October.

I’m absolutely petrified of telling my mum and sister.

I understand that infertility is an absolute bastard to go through, Not on the level of someone who is experiencing it of course, and have always tried my best to be supportive.

I’m absolutely over the moon to be pregnant again but I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy or celebrate it.
I’m tempted to not say anything and just avoid her but we work for the same NHS trust and it will be obvious soon.

I’m stressing out so much about this. I don’t know what to do.
DH said basically it’s her problem and not ours, and that she can’t expect us to not get on with our lives because she isn’t pregnant yet, comparing it to if someone won the lottery you would expect them to not spend the money just because someone else didn’t have any money, but I know it’s more deep rooted than this.

I want to add that she doesn’t treat anyone else who is pregnant like this, only me. Our cousin was pregnant the same time as me, and my sister was out shopping with her all the time for baby things, and organised her a baby shower (that I wasn’t invited to)

Does anyone have any advice? I just don’t know what to do anymore other than move away and never look back.

I think you are very brave and yay a baba. You aren't to blame for their behaviour. Hope whatever you choose goes well x

When I read stuff like this I'm just shocked at how cruel people can be.

Not just not getting on-but downright nasty.

Thinking that one daughter deserves a baby more than the other???

Have a nice birthday celebration without them.

Let them know by email about the pregnancy if you really feel that you should tell them.

Move away/on & don't look back!

Congratulations btw.

@thedevilmademedoit what you’ve said about my stepdad/uncle is spot on. I’ve always felt guilty that I’m not his but he’s never thrown it in my face, I think it’s my mums guilt that I’m feeling.

They paid for private school for my sister but we’ve still ended up with similar jobs for similar pay and this is something that my stepdad brought to my attention. I can remember the exact moment when he said it too - I took it as praise, even if it wasn’t meant that way.

Seriously you might only get one 'family' but you deserve to be happy and not treat like shit!

Your kids deserve better too!!!!

Tell them and warn them that if they kick off again like last time then it will be the last straw and you WILL CUT THEM OUT!!!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Why? Why? Why? Why Are you still in touch with them? You will never get what you want from them? Do you want your children to see how they treat you? And handing over money for treatment and you don't even get an apology.

Infertility is very sad (I know) but that is no excuse for how your mother and sister have behaved.

No need for a big showdown. Withdraw quietly, as the above poster said don't tell them. Make excuses to not physically meet up - just a guess but I imagine you try to do all the arranging - should be easy tonfond excuses with young children. First sign of name calling/abuse, gang up and threaten with the police.

100% move!

You shouldn't have to but imagine how nice it would be to have a clean break away from all that messy drama! 😁

Wow they paid for private school for your sister but not you , that’s beyond cold OP what a horrible dynamic to set between two siblings .

OP,

I'm wondering if some counselling might help you to sort your feelings about your mum and sister.

And given your mum's behaviour, I wonder about what went on with your dad. You may not have seen him since you were 4, but there could be a huge backstory there that you need to know.

I knew from the title that this would be an infertility thread, and came on to say (as I basically always do) that people should be kinder to the infertile. I was completely shocked by the level of your sister's (and mother's) abuse towards you. This is nothing to do with a 'normal' situation between an infertile and a pregnant woman; tbh, this sounds like just one more excuse in a long line of reasons to treat you badly. These people are toxic and you shouldn't feel any obligation to be around them, let alone pander to their feelings.

If they were friends you wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour. You don’t have to tolerate it because they are family. They don’t love you how you want them to and this won’t change. I can’t believe you aren’t no contact after how the have treated you. You have your beautiful family with your DH and children, just concentrate on them. Your DM and sister don’t deserve your love. Oh and don’t tell them. They don’t deserve to know your happy news.

Hang on, if she’s working for a hospital a certain standard of behaviour is expected. If she kicks off report it to the police, then hr, then any governing societies you belong to.

Do not take any Shite like that again off her.

Are you past the 3 month stage yet? I’d be tempted not to mention it until you’re showing.

From past expierience if you don’t contact them, they don’t actually notice. It took my parents 6 months to notice I’d gone.

Fluffycloudland77 I think I’m about 8/9 weeks. Not 100% sure as my periods were not back to normal because of breastfeeding. I have my booking in appointment and bloods next week and hopefully the mw will arrange an early scan to determine how far I am!

It’s her job that’s always stopped me from reporting her. Without going into too much detail a criminal record would have serious implications to her employment, but that would have a knock on effect in terms of her husband/dcs welfare and security and I wouldn’t want to be the cause of that.

Sorry for what you are going through and your mother and sis sound AWFUL.

It does need to be NC sadly.

Can't think of anything else to say that hasn't already been said, but I wish you (and your babies) well.

OP you were neglected and emotionally abused as a child and the pattern is still being repeated . Read up on attachment theory. The sad fact is that the majority of children taken into care with attachment disorders, esp insecure attachment, later try to return to their birth family. The disordered attachments are so strong that despite the pain they are desperate to receive thee love and acceptance they were denied in infancy. It is heartbreaking to see the positive work disintegrate under the birth families influence. Where there is love it isn’t enough to overcome narcissism, lack of interest, substance abuse etc etc.
I watched a dear friend in a situation very similar to your own OP, try for 40 odd years to gain her mother’s love and acceptance, while this was lavished on her siblings. As each attempt resulted in painful rejection she agreed she ought to go nc but still she felt compelled to try until her mother’s death ( and she was the only sib not mentioned in their mother’s will, though she’d contributed most materially)).
It sounds like you are coming to accept that you just cannot “win “ and need to call a halt.
Enjoy you pregnancy, yourDC and your supportive DH and start afresh a new emotionally warm and healthy family tree. Do not let your blood rellies use your DC as weapons against you.
Good luck

Go NC- if not for your own sake (although that's reason enough: you don't deserve any more abuse), do it for your dc.

I went NC with my Mother during my second pregnancy. She was a Narc.

It was so nice to not have to deal with her. My Sister, I only saw on special occasions.

PND hit, which, I think was caused by the whole situation. I went limited contact with massive boundaries put in place, later on.

At 50, looking back on my life, it would have gone better if I had left the area and not looked back and I regret not doing so.

This isn't about infertility. This is about your family being toxic and treating you like crap. Seriously, I know you love them but they are never going to treat you the way you should be treated so it's better to cut them off now and save yourself any further upset, stress and disappointment. Your mum is already trying to belittle you in front of your eldest children and she will continue to do this. She will destroy your relationships with you children.

I'm the sort of person who gives people chance after chance after chance because I hate cutting people off, but if there's one thing I have learnt this past year or so it's that people who have always behaved a certain way their entire lives will never change. They may say they'll change but they don't because the behaviour they display is them, it's not put on and it's not controllable. They won't change because they can't. For the sake of yourself and your children cut them out. You will be happier for it.

cut this Filth out of your life forever.... and tell them nothing about wonderful news... oh these people are not your Family... your DH and your children are your Family

You wouldn’t be the cause of it, she would. Hcp should be fully aware that acting like this has consequences.

No profession wants people like this. If she can contain her anger with other people she ought to be able to do so with you as well because it’s pretty hard to avoid pg women.

💐
Welshinireland - I don’t rush to say NC but in your case I’m saying it. No drama, just gradually drop these toxic women.
You must be a wonderfully strong and kind person and deserve so much better.

Wow NC NC NC. Why on earth did you give your sister £1000 is beyond me, she does not deserve it. What you are feeling is called Fear Obligation and guilt (FOG), for short, read about it. NC for yiur babies sake if not nothing else, and don't tell them, they don't deserve to know. Go NC and have a nicer more stress free life.

@zzzzz if I wasn’t scared of huge hairy spiders It would just about be far enough! DH has a brother in Exmouth in W.Australia so would know someone there at least!

A poster up thread said 'if she did have a child, how would yours be treated in comparison?'. This is a very good point. Are you continuing contact with the hope that your children will have a good relationship with them/ have family around them?

Whatever knots you tie yourself into, you're always going to be wrong and you’ll never please them - so start pleasing yourself and your own family. Life is too short.