Great sex, too early, can be bad for relationships...

[coconuttella]

I realise this is going against the grain of much of how modern relationships develop... Not so long ago, ‘no sex before marriage’ was quite commonly accepted. I’m not saying we go back to that but we have lurched to the other extreme in society today, and it’s widely expected that you don’t hold back at all in satisfying your lust, and sex is often something people do very early on, before there is a relationship even, with the result that relationships all too often have their foundations in sex, which is great while it lasts, but then as things die down, reality hits and they find themselves embroiled in a relationship with a partner they have little in common with and who they don’t actually like very much... with this leading to much angst and heartbreak as the relationship either splutters on or breaks up. Of course, sometimes the underlying relationship is good and continues healthily, but i wonder if that’s in part in spite of, rather than because of the early rush to bed.

So my point is, wouldn’t we generally have happier and healthier relationships if we were a bit more patient and self-controlled with our lust? I’m not saying people don’t have the right to have as much consensual sex as they want, with whoever they want... and only they can decide what’s right for them, but that sex too early isn’t ideal if you’re wanting to find a good long term relationship.

"No one buys the cow when the milk is free"

I agree with you, and I also think that if sex is immediately available, a lot of young men (in particular) don't learn about foreplay in the same way that they did in the past. That build up to having sex was fantastic.

Agree, OP. Also, the thrill of the chase and anticipation and the whole 'mating dance' is just so glorious to cut short.

I think it's completely down to the individual relationship.

I absolutely agree with this, too many relationships are built on sexual compatibility rather than personal values. Too many friends have rushed home from a club with an absolute dickhead that in broad daylight they wouldn't have looked twice at. Then inevitably a few months later, cracks appear in the relationship because they are incompatible as people.

I also think people are too quick to become a couple, move in together and start a family. Don't people want to take their time in getting to know one another & having dates. One friend was pregnant within 3 months of meeting her boyfriend & the relationship lasted too long than it should have tbh. People seem to be quite keen on having unprotected sex with a new partner very quickly.

I realise my views might be regarded as old fashioned but slowing it down and getting to know someone can't be a bad thing.

Another thing that seems to be ubiquitous is this expectation that in the early months, years even, of a relationship, it’s accepted that people act on their best behaviour - literally acting - as though that’s an inevitable and good thing.

It isn’t... all too often people only let their real self out a couple of years down the line when they’re already committed with a house, a baby, or both.... I understand why people do this, and I’d bennaive if I felt that we all didn’t do this to an extent early on, but it seems to be a thing. If I had a pound for every time someone said “if he’s like this only 9 months in when he should be on his best behaviour!” I’d be rich! Be yourself... you save a lot of time and angst in the long run!

But...it works the other way too.

What if you waited six months, built up a lovely relationship, met each other's friends and families, etc...then finally had a shag and were totally incompatible?

Hard to chuck someone 'just because' the sex is crap, in our society.

I should know, this is what I did and I wasted twenty years

I agree to some extent OP

Hmmm I know what you mean.

I have some single friends who say they want a partner to have a serious relationship with, but they end up in casual sex / friends with benefits type arrangements instead. I don’t know if it’s because they have sex too early necessarily, but I do think people sometimes use casual relationships/ fwb arrangements as a stop gap, so they can have regular sex without waiting to meet someone they feel they could have a serious relationship with iyswim.

That obviously is quite sensible, but then I know fwb / casual couples where one half has got more attached than the other and then got hurt.

Also, I guess there’s less motivation to find a serious partner if you are happy with your fwb. That’s fine if you’re happy with a casual thing, but if you actually want a serious, exclusive relationship then it’s obviously not so good.

I do agree with you, but I’m starting to think that the main problem now, in the days of online dating, is not sex too early, but dismissing people in 3 minutes if there is no”spark” within the first few seconds of a date.

We are not devoting much time to get to know the person nowadays.

Toss, like disguise and wake say, all the non sex messing about gave you a pretty good idea! If you weren't feeling it then you moved on.

I'm not sure that's something you can control. Having crap sex on purpose would be a bit weird. I think if the sex is really great for both people, they'll probably want to go on doing it. Unless one of them was not looking for a relationship anyway. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, or whatever that old saying is.

Surely a relationship will work if it’s meant to? Can’t see how anything like lots of sexy early on could change that really.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, or whatever that old saying is

^thay saying is not fit for modern times

Yes sex is now the starting point of a relationship instead of the culmination of a process of getting to know and trust one another. And yes people to tend to dismiss potential partners too soon if there’s no immediate spark.

without any boundaries on when sex can start, you don't get to see how your partner deals with temptation, which is something you might actually want to know bout someone before you commit.

I think @NotSureThisIsWhatIWant is spot on - I yell this at First Dates on TV all the time "of course there's no spark it's a first date on tele but if you like and get on with him have a second date".

I did fancy my DH straight away but each date I fancied him more and more. I told my friend this and she was like "well yes that's what's supposed to happen". And it was a revelation: the more you know someone the more attractive they should be to you if it's going to last. Each lovely thing he does should make me want to rip his pants off a little more!

On the other hand, if its easier to get sex from someone or other, why would you stick with one person unless there was a good basis to hang around with them as a person.
Disclaimer - DH was meant to be a one-night stand, but then another and another, and after 6 months we accepted we were in a relationship. That was 25 years ago...

I totally disagree OP, the only thing differentiating a relationship from a friendship is sex so I want it to be fantastic/constant/irresistible from the beginning.

If you look on MN on any given day you’ll see several threads about partners who are being rejected/have different sex drives/love but don’t fancy their partner etc. I wouldn’t want a relationship where I didn’t want to rip their clothes off every time I saw them in the early days - because if I could take it or leave it to start with it doesn’t bode well for the future IMO when other pressures come in. If they turn out not to be compatible in the long run then at least you’ve had a great time.

The two best/longest relationships in my live both started out with incredible sex then lasted because they worked in other ways too and the man was lovely all round (I have also had the great sex/turns out to be incompatible/disappointing in other ways but don’t regret it!).

That “no one buys the cow” phrase- yuck. Slut shaming, much?

I disagree. I’m separated from a ten year relationship (five years married) where we were great friends with lots in common and shared values etc but there wasn’t much of a spark and we were sexually incompatible and eventually little more than housemates, to my new relationship of two years which started with casual sex and became something more- two years on, the sex is still a huge and very important part of our relationship and it’s what lifts a relationship above just a friendship. Still friends with my ex by the way, in the way we always were.

Sex has differing degrees of importance to different people so obviously it all just personal choice/preference but I would see it as a step backwards for society to start to shame pre-marital sex again.

@renegadebehaviour I agree 100%!

Sexual compatability is VERY important. I would rather know sooner rather than later, if the sex was good or not.

Tbf, my marriage started as amazing not-quite-sex iyswim, (hope you get the idea)! It made me realise how comfortable and happy I felt with now Dh.

We didn’t actually DTD for a long while, once we were properly together for a few months. We were fairly young though, (at university), so sex seemed a much bigger deal to us both then, than it is for my single friends now who are in their mid-thirties.

"I wouldn’t want a relationship where I didn’t want to rip their clothes off every time I saw them in the early day"

That thought is not incompatible with what OP is saying. It's not about not having the urge, it's about not acting upon it immediately.

Point about attitude to temptation is a good one.

As might be comparison to other studies about the benefits of the ability to defer gratification, and how that tends to lead to people who are better functioning in society. Though the most well known surveys are in 5yo olds and sweets. But I can see how it would apply to teens and courtship - especially as learning foreplay in a lengthy game of 'how far can we go?' isnlikeky to be more fun than copying porn.

I couldn't give a toss when other people decide to shag.

What @Pengggwn said.