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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Great sex, too early, can be bad for relationships...

87 replies

coconuttella · 25/03/2018 07:50

I realise this is going against the grain of much of how modern relationships develop... Not so long ago, ‘no sex before marriage’ was quite commonly accepted. I’m not saying we go back to that but we have lurched to the other extreme in society today, and it’s widely expected that you don’t hold back at all in satisfying your lust, and sex is often something people do very early on, before there is a relationship even, with the result that relationships all too often have their foundations in sex, which is great while it lasts, but then as things die down, reality hits and they find themselves embroiled in a relationship with a partner they have little in common with and who they don’t actually like very much... with this leading to much angst and heartbreak as the relationship either splutters on or breaks up. Of course, sometimes the underlying relationship is good and continues healthily, but i wonder if that’s in part in spite of, rather than because of the early rush to bed.

So my point is, wouldn’t we generally have happier and healthier relationships if we were a bit more patient and self-controlled with our lust? I’m not saying people don’t have the right to have as much consensual sex as they want, with whoever they want... and only they can decide what’s right for them, but that sex too early isn’t ideal if you’re wanting to find a good long term relationship.

OP posts:
Chienrouge · 25/03/2018 10:29

Surely people don’t feel like they have to stay in a relationship where they’re not compatible, just because they had some good sex?

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 10:29

Always happy to oblige... [bows]

Somerville · 25/03/2018 10:32

wakemeupbefore You told another poster to shove their feminist shite up their derrière, seriously? It's impossible to discuss things properly when some people get offensive so quickly.

BoredOnMatLeave · 25/03/2018 10:36

I was about to say what a load of crap but actually I didn't sleep with DP for about 7 dates (which is long for me, used to be about 2) and we fooled around first and it's ended up being an amazing relationship.

On the flip side as a PP has said if your not compatible at least you've enjoyed some great sex so not a total waste of time.

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 10:36

I am sick of feminist claptrap doled out absolutely everywhere.
You may leave the thread if my horrid languauge has offended your sensibilities.

Chienrouge · 25/03/2018 10:39

And I say the above as someone who didn’t have sex with my DH for quite a while (we were friends first and had both come out of LTR’s and weren’t ready for anything else). I can’t see what harm it does though, i wouldn’t stay with someone because the sex was amazing if we were incompatible in other ways.

Orangettes · 25/03/2018 10:40

Load of tosh - my parents did not have sex before marriage and I would say they are completely incompatible, by your reckoning they are not as they are still married but my god what a shit marriage they have had - the arguments were and continue to be obscene, getting divorced would have been a scandal so they tormented each other and us by refusing to split.
Dh and I shagged on the first date, decided to get married 2 weeks later - lots of lust, lots of fun...we got married 6 months later and have been blissfully married for nearly 20 years. He's my best friend and our very passionate beginning is the glue that keeps us intimate and close to each other.

Nannplum666 · 25/03/2018 10:44

I slept with my DH on our first date 18 years ago. We got married after 8 years and love each other still. I think knowing how great sex with him was certainly helped when he proposed!

SerenDippitty · 25/03/2018 10:44

I can’t see what harm it does though, i wouldn’t stay with someone because the sex was amazing if we were incompatible in other ways.

Unfortunately some women do stay with men who are good in bed even though they are shits in other ways. These men use sex as a means of control.

Snowsnake · 25/03/2018 10:49

I met my first boyfriend at uni...waited till we were engaged before sex.still together 25 yrs later...I watched my college friends get dumped over and over by blokes just after one thing..put me off a bit..my kids are in long term relationships,planning on marriage.i hope I set them a good example of a marriage....but I have no opinion on other people's sex lives.

Hispterwannabe · 25/03/2018 10:58

People put varying degrees of importance on sex IMO. My last relationship started out as a physical relationship that was so undeniably good we both constantly wanted more and then it developed into a relationship. Sex initially connected us and continued to do so for 5 years. My ex did have a bit of an obsession with sex with me but I think that’s because of a lack of sex in his previous marriage and I had a high sex drive. I’ve lost whole weekends in bed with him. For us it was our glue for a long time.

PortiaFinis · 25/03/2018 11:08

wakemeup do you really think it’s feminist claptrap to say that women have traditionally been the gatekeepers of sexual morality.

Even on this thread someone has said “You don’t buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 11:08

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a fling or multitude of; however, one should go in with the understanding that it'll be a purely physical affair and without holding up a hope of having found a 'life-partner'. Were the fling turn out to be a lasting love - fabulous! Were it to fizzle out after the good old oxytocin 'dries up', no-one is heart broken.
Often the biggest crushes are complete opposites of what one's looking for in a spouse, however, the chemistry is overwhelming. Enjoy and move on.
Open eyes and no illusions are the key to a good fling; hoping to snag a spouse by hopping to bed and getting preagnant is the road to misery.

Moominfan · 25/03/2018 11:09

Portiafinis I assumed the cow/milk comment was someone being sarcastic didn't realise I've been transported back to the 40s

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 11:11

Portia.... the constant references to patriarchy and capitalism in every bloody thread a feminist appears on were the reasons of my objections Hmm.

ghostyslovesheets · 25/03/2018 11:17

I disagree

Sex is important - always has been to me - bad sex would be a deal breaker - swift move to the friend zone (as has happened)

I also had 3 long term relationships with one night stands and married a one night stand

I guess if you enjoy sex it matters more

ghostyslovesheets · 25/03/2018 11:18

also where are all these women desperate to 'snag' a man? I agree - we have been transported back in time

Batteriesallgone · 25/03/2018 11:22

DH and I had sex after the second date, we’re happily married.

It’s impossible to make sweeping statements about this stuff surely? It depends on so much.

If you like the build up find someone who does. If you are impatient find someone else who is impatient. This is basic compatibility stuff. Why sex is so singled out all the time is beyond me.

Sex is like finances, views about parenthood, ambition. Find someone who’s views and lifestyle accord with what you want.

The only real dealbreaker is communication. If you don’t both respectfully and openly communicate, the relationship isn’t going to thrive. This also covers communication over the sex being crap Wink

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 11:24

ghosty...., why are there so many single mothers who are so not from choice but due to 'bad relationships' and men who have 'buggered off'?

Certcert · 25/03/2018 11:25

if just touching their skin feels good, surely sex feeling good is inevitable?

Not in my case, no. All the 'pre-cursors' that led to sex were great; the kissing, touching, etc. But the actual sex was really off-putting.

In my opinion, he was a shit lover. And also in my opinion; I need more than a seven second shenanigan to get off! Grin

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 11:27

Cert..., why not teach him and make him a great lover?

ghostyslovesheets · 25/03/2018 11:29

erm because the 'men have buggered off' - or is that the women's fault Hmm

Certcert · 25/03/2018 11:34

also , fot those saying the sex was rubbish.....it is an art that has to be learned to some extent.

Nah, I disagree. I know my body well enough to know what quantifies good or bad sex. It is objective, of course, as he may well float someone else's boat.

Sparklesocks · 25/03/2018 11:39

Sex is an important part of a relationship for me, it builds intimacy of course but also I just enjoy it and want to enjoy my partner! It’s not ‘the’ most important thing but I couldn’t wait til marriage as I do think it’s an important measure of compatibility.
Thats not saying you have to jump into bed after 10 minutes either, you just have to do what feels right for you and go at the pace you’re comfortable with. Any man who would go off a woman/disrespect her for sleeping with him too early is not someone I would want to share my life with anyway.

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 11:40

ghosty..., perhaps because the men saw the situation as a fling not a relationship so why have a child with someone who only wants sex?