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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Great sex, too early, can be bad for relationships...

87 replies

coconuttella · 25/03/2018 07:50

I realise this is going against the grain of much of how modern relationships develop... Not so long ago, ‘no sex before marriage’ was quite commonly accepted. I’m not saying we go back to that but we have lurched to the other extreme in society today, and it’s widely expected that you don’t hold back at all in satisfying your lust, and sex is often something people do very early on, before there is a relationship even, with the result that relationships all too often have their foundations in sex, which is great while it lasts, but then as things die down, reality hits and they find themselves embroiled in a relationship with a partner they have little in common with and who they don’t actually like very much... with this leading to much angst and heartbreak as the relationship either splutters on or breaks up. Of course, sometimes the underlying relationship is good and continues healthily, but i wonder if that’s in part in spite of, rather than because of the early rush to bed.

So my point is, wouldn’t we generally have happier and healthier relationships if we were a bit more patient and self-controlled with our lust? I’m not saying people don’t have the right to have as much consensual sex as they want, with whoever they want... and only they can decide what’s right for them, but that sex too early isn’t ideal if you’re wanting to find a good long term relationship.

OP posts:
Itmakesthereaderreadon · 25/03/2018 09:20

My relationship was founded on sex. It was a one night stand with a complete stranger, after many other one night stands with other people. We kept seeing each other and spent our first 6 months in bed. That grounding has seen us through 15 years, including the lean times following the baby years. It's only sex.

coconuttella · 25/03/2018 09:32

Sexual compatability is VERY important. I would rather know sooner rather than later, if the sex was good or not.

I think that’s the dilemma... sexual compatability is very important, but it’s not the only thing that’s important, far from it...

Just as there are many strong marriages (mainly now in the past) who waited until marriage, there are equally many strong relationships that started off based purely on sex.... the question is whether in both cases the strong relationship that develops is in spite of the sexual dynamic early on rather than because of it.

OP posts:
Differentcorner · 25/03/2018 09:37

I don't understand how it is possible to have 'bad sex'with someone that you love and care for?? What

SerenDippitty · 25/03/2018 09:41

There is a saying that sex is 10% of a good relationship and 90% of a bad one.

Certcert · 25/03/2018 09:49

I've waited months to have sex with someone, only to find the sex was shit. Until you have slept with someone, you have no idea how sex with pan out.

After the crap sex, I couldn't carry on seeing him; in fact, it turned me right off him. It's a hard one!

Ansumpasty · 25/03/2018 09:52

I agree, op. I’m not of an older generation (31) but married my ‘childhood sweetheart,’ which is pretty rare these days.
We fell in love before the sex and so there was a genuine, natural progression rather than meeting someone on Tinder for a quick shag and hoping that sex is so great that they want to meet up again. It’s sad, actually.
I think I got lucky and I hope that my daughter does, too!

QueenOfTheAndals · 25/03/2018 09:54

"No one buys the cow when the milk is free"

Sorry, but have I gone back in time to 1958? Who on earth used dated and sexist phrases like that these days?

vdbfamily · 25/03/2018 09:55

Frfom a slightly different angle, I think the saddest thing is women who are in relationships, often with children, where their partners refuse to commit because they are often just wanting the sex but not the ongoing responsibiity. I have a very close friend with 2 kids and both the fathers left her at the point of her saying she was pregnant. For me, although it was part of my Christian faith, the 'no sex before marriage' rule, was to ensure that my partner was in it for the long haul and not for the sex, thus creating a stable relationship for any children that might have been a result of the relationship. And as for the compatibility thing, it is very apparant in a relationship where you are holding off on DTD, how attracted you are to each other and in fact i have a little memory box with all the passionate messages my then boyfriend sent whilst we were waiting to get married. I think that if you are looking for a long term committed relationship, then holding back on the sex is a great way to test commitment but if you are just looking for sex then obviously it makes no difference!

Ansumpasty · 25/03/2018 09:55

But cert, how can the sex ever be awful if you are in love with that person? Providing you both have functioning parts, of course!
That little zap you feel when your leg touches theirs when you sit close...if just touching their skin feels good, surely sex feeling good is inevitable?

Somerville · 25/03/2018 09:56

I don't accept that society has lurched to the extreme of people having sex very quickly, to be honest. Some people do, but not everyone. People are more aware of their sexual health, for one thing, these days.

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/03/2018 09:58

I kinda see what you are trying to say.

However I'd rather not soend months and develops feelings for someone and then discover that sexually you just didn't work.

vdbfamily · 25/03/2018 10:00

also , fot those saying the sex was rubbish.....it is an art that has to be learned to some extent. If you are both virgins like my DH and I, you actually just learn to pleasure each other. He took this very seriously and with no experience behind him had read a book about it. This may seem odd but I can honestly say that since day 1(wedding day), I have been his main priority whilst making love and he would consider it to be a failure if it had not been enjoyable for both of us. I guess the other advantage is we have no comparisons to make which again allows us to be satisfied with each other. I would see that as a positive but others might think I don't know what I might be missing!

SerenDippitty · 25/03/2018 10:00

That little zap you feel when your leg touches theirs when you sit close...if just touching their skin feels good, surely sex feeling good is inevitable?

You don’t have to be in love with someone for that to happen. Just strongly physically attracted to them. You might even dislike them as a person.

Equally two people may be deeply in love and still need a bit of time and practice for good sex to happen.

Ansumpasty · 25/03/2018 10:00

I agree, vdbfamily. My best friend met someone on Plenty of Fish. They were both bored and lonely, had sex before they had feelings for each other and just seemed to tolerate each other while waiting for something better to come along. She got pregnant (with a baby he didn’t want and still doesn’t) but managed to convince him that it was a good idea. They have 2 kids now and he threatens to leave all the time and both are unhappy. They stay together for the kids but I know she’s just waiting for the ‘real love’ to come along one day and he’s probably cheating, as he’s been caught doing in the last few years. They’re getting older and more unhappy as time goes on and it’s a sad thing to see. This scenario seems more and more common in this Tinder generation.

Shimshiminysheroo · 25/03/2018 10:01

What a load of judgemental twaddle litters this thread.

Sex isn't a commodity to 'withhold' till the woman is 'bought' .

Sex without commitment is fine if that's what both parties want.

Great sex which turns to crap sex is what happens in loads of relationships.

Women want sex just as much as men and we are conditioned into believing we are 'worth' more by a capitalist patriarchal society in whose interest it is that women are more responsible for child rearing and domestic drudgery.

Great, if your happy with your long term, monogamous, equal relationship... Don't judge others for not confirming to gendered cultural norms.

ClareB83 · 25/03/2018 10:03

I'm in the middle. I agree waiting a little while is a good idea to let the rest of the relationship develop and enjoy all the aspects of foreplay. But I wouldn't want to waste months either to find out you're incompatible.

And yes I think you can be incompatible sexually with someone you care about eg I had a friend who broke up with a woman because she was really into S&M and he wasn't, you read lots of posts about how some couples just want sex at very different frequencies and think of all those Sex in the City storylines where the guy was fine outside the bedroom but... (small willy guy, wants to pee on her guy etc).

Shimshiminysheroo · 25/03/2018 10:03

Honestly, eye roll about the 'tinder generation'. This is people, how people have always been and likely will always be.

Creambun2 · 25/03/2018 10:06

The number of men thinking that anal sex is the norm also pisses me off.

Ansumpasty · 25/03/2018 10:09

shimshim It’s not though, people haven’t always had the ability to meet people from all over the world. Yes, you might have a holiday romance or meet someone new in a bar but generally, you got with someone from your area and ‘dated’ before having sex. Now, it’s a dick pic from someone from the US before you’ve even found out their name.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 25/03/2018 10:11

I made DP wait two months because I was sick of previous OLD encounters who wanted subsequent dates still ending up in the bedroom too fast. We got on well with similar interests and views, so I was scared of sex being crap and having to let a good'un go but mercifully it was good! I know that all of these things need attention to keep a relationship alive.

Branleuse · 25/03/2018 10:19

sexual compatibility is quite a high priority for me. Ive never seen much point to waiting around. If we turned out to be incompatible in other ways, then can deal with that later.

wakemeupbefore · 25/03/2018 10:23

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vdbfamily · 25/03/2018 10:27

Wakeme.....I just typed a long reply to the capitalist patriarchy comment and then decided I could not even be bothered to share it! Thanks for saving me the effort!

Somerville · 25/03/2018 10:28

All of you saying you want to check sexual compatibility early on - can't you tell that from other stuff? Well before we DTD I knew (now) DH and I were compatible - in fact one of the reasons we didn't just jump into bed was because our schedules meant that we could hardly spend any nights together, and we knew once we started having sex we'd want a whole lot more.

Compatibility can be established by how good the kissing etc... is, alongside talking about our expectations and desires and dislikes. And probably most importantly by learning the other person's character - if they're thoughtful and kind and sensitive in other situations then there's a good chance they will be in bed, too.

Chienrouge · 25/03/2018 10:28

I’m not sure I really understand your point? Surely if you meet someone, have amazing sex early on, then realise a few months down the line you realise you’re incompatible (apart from the sex) then you end the relationship? As long as you’ve practised safe sex then no harm done and you’ve had a few months of good sex?

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