to not allow our DS to have a smart phone (secondary school age)

[snowdropsrout]

DS goes to secondary school in Sep. Doesn't have a smart phone at moment in Yr6 . We were thinking 'big school' was the time we'd give in and let him have one. However, he seems prone to bullying/being picked on in school already. We are worried about what will happen when he delves into the cesspit of social media. Do all year 7s have smart phones? Do any/many parents not let their DC have them? Do kids get picked on/left out for not having one? I'm assuming yes! When I see things like this below it really scares me. Its been bad enough with 'ordinary' bullying sad

www.facebook.com/Ninecomau/videos/1750109161694755/?hc_ref=ARRvFV3xEeF-c4QabAqL29K_tPcBTso8j0r52NJT1TrpkSdcKrEAOe8Eng3-oDgivS8&pnref=story

We have a worthy type mother in dds class who has announced neither of hers will ever be allowed a phone or computer access.

Abusive idiot. They're the people a generation or two ago railing about literacy giving women and the working classes ideas above their station.

@NinjagoNinja, life would've been a lot easier for me had I been able to contact my parents enroute to and from school.

It would've saved me a lot of anxiety and fear from being threatened and pushed around by the local gang whenever we crossed paths if I could've phoned my Mum to pick me up, those times where I got home and panicked because there was no on home only to find out that my Mum was held up in an emergency (like the time my brother was rushed to hospital and the school failed to tell me!) or the time I was cornered in bushes as an 8yo by some utter prick who decided to get his kicks by masturbating whilst holding my hand so I couldn't run

This is part of the reason I had a mobile as soon as they were available and it's a tool I'm willing to use for my son too. It may not be necessary for you but that's your choice, you do not need to understand it undermine others for theirs

Just asked my 12 year old whether anyone doesn't have a smart phone. Response? No and at the very idea.

I wanted to shake the mum in DDs class who constantly frets about why her son is picked on and then sent him to the year 6 disco in a full on tux

Maybe direct your anger towards the bullies instead of victim blaming.

My dd year 6 has an iPhone, I got it for her when she started getting the bus to school on her own. She has her own laptop for school so could use that for any social media accounts anyway.

Maybe direct your anger towards the bullies instead of victim blaming.

How is that victim blaming? She's not blaming the child, she's blaming his parent for consciously choosing outfits for him that make him stand out and look different to his peers.

Most kids just want to fit in and make friends - parents who deliberately dress them in outfits that will cause them misery and upset are not very pleasant in my opinion. Children in year six should be picking their own outfits within reason, not being forced to wear a suit that their mum picked out!

@NinjagoNinja, I do. But I also put some blame on the parents for purposely putting their child in the firing line. Kids are little sods and it’s always been the same. Why would a parent single their child out for ridicule? To prove some point that THEY care about (individuality, not following the crowd etc), very easy to moralise when you aren’t being thrown to the wolves.

I also blame his parents for him being overweight. And hand knitting his school jumper every year. They’re about £4 in Tesco, I’m going to guess wool costs more than that. Tell me that isn’t about his mums own values and pushing them on the poor kid?

I have a ds in y7 age 11, he has a smart phone and has had one from y6. This seems common across his peer group.

He has no access to social media sites and he never mentions SM as something he or his friends are interested in.

They seem to just play games and WhatsApp each other.

I have set all his restrictions very tight and he does not have the code to access them to make any changes. I periodically have a look at his WhatsApp and internet history and what apps he has.

He does take his phone to school but is very responsible and careful and knows it would not be replaced if something happened to it!! His school are very strict on phone use so he never uses it in school itself.

I would think bullying may be more of a problem if he does not have a smart phone and so is different and can't join in some of the chat.

I find his phone v useful for tracking him if I need to using find iPhone!

NinjagoNinja I assume you’re sat at a desk using a proper pc to type your comments rather than some other device as they’re not necessary. Things change and that means things change for kids too.

Maybe direct your anger towards the bullies instead of victim blaming.

Virtue signalling is a popular sport. Greater love hath no mother than that she lay down her child for her principles.

I have younger children but I'm a Guider.
Primary aged Guides: gosh did you see, she's OUR AGE and has an iPhone.
Secondary aged Guides: all have something but yes, a few more independent minded/less well off have a hand me down brick and access to a tablet at home.
Probably half (but remember this is parents who watch their children's activities closely) stick to age guidelines.

DS has a smartphone now in Y7 (a very old one of ours). He has a whatsapp group with his old primary school gang on, one with his current form on and our family whatsapp. He very much uses it to arrange to play out and meet mates and to sort homework queries. It's also handy for last minute changes of plan, staying late at chool and suchlike.

My best mate, who is otherwise a lovely person, has a draconian rule about no phones until 16. Her eldest girl is in her twenties and very socially isolated; she has just never developed a network of friends. Her other two girls acquired phones from friends in their teens and topped them up with money from jobs. I knew from my daughter they had them and turned a blind eye. Her youngest is a lovely, quirky, funny 15 year old with real social anxiety and lack of friends issues. I just think, "Give the poor lad a bloody phone."

It is all about control I think, disguised as protectiveness. It has made me think less of my otherwise lovely mate.

I remember getting my first phone for my 18th birthday, a Nokia 5110. You could buy different fronts for them and I had loads.

Ds1 is in year 7 and he has a basic payg phone that just does calls and texts so he can call me if after school clubs have been cancelled or if he needs more money on his school dinners account. He doesn't use it much though. He has a kindle fire for games etc but he isn't interested in social media.

DD got a smartphone halfway through y6 (secondhand iPhone from ebay) and DS will be getting similar soon (y6). On PAYG so means she can text/phone us when out of house but doesn't normally do anything else when not on wifi due to cost (we pay £5pm on PAYG which is enough for texts and calls, if that runs out she has to pay - though we keep an eye on it and remind her if about to run out which it rarely does). So we have a reasonable idea of what she's up to. We also have access to her phone whenever we like - agreement was if she changed the password so we couldn't get on then we would take the phone away.

Also set up with Family Sharing which means she can't download any apps without my permission (and has parental controls which prevent a lot of things being accessed but not unfortunately anything on YouTube). But, as you set the age limit on that based on their DoB, meant she couldn't have anything that required her to be 13+ (WhatsApp, Facebook, etc) until age of 13 without us lying about her age, which I refused to do. Meant she missed out on WhatsApp for first 1.5 years of secondary school, so occasionally missed a homework conversation but generally meant not distracted by the boring "hi", "hi" conversations and the mean comments which I understand were common in Y7 but now reduced. Now on WhatsApp but not asked for anything else and I'd try to discourage her but probably not say no.

They aren't allowed to be on their phones on school grounds except when teachers say they can, eg picture of homework, picture of food tech for their books, quizzes in class, early school closure due to snow. So useful for those reasons.

So I'd say get a cheap smartphone but with limits through cost and controls and knowing password.

DDs teachers frequently ask them to watch YouTube videos in groups and then discuss in front of class. They watch them on their phones!

Her homework app is on her phone, not sure how she would do without that, she prints from it wirelessly at school.

Her school dinner app is on her phone

Mates all meet up and whatsapp each other, what would they do, phone them on a payphone

“We have a worthy type mother in dds class who has announced neither of hers will ever be allowed a phone or computer access”

And how is this child going to access homework, which is mostly set online these days?

“very easy to moralise when you aren’t being thrown to the wolves”
“Greater love hath no mother than that she lay down her child for her principles.”

These ^^ with bells on. Children don’t usually have the confidence and emotional maturity that adults do to want to stand out and be different. Why set them up for ridicule in the first place?

There's no need to be rude and call people "worthy" when they are most likely just really worried about the negative effects of technology and social media on children. I doubt they're doing it to get one over on you, they are genuinely trying to change the awful situation we have sleepwalked into.

I agree banning phones is not helpful. But the blanket acceptance that this is entirely normal - absolutely essential even - is quite astounding. British parents are rather lax about use of devices. I have lived in America and France and not seen the same level of free access to gaming and phones.

I agree no-one wants their child to be left out. But it's a shame so many parents feel obliged to go along with against their better judgement. I have heard countless parents say "what can I do? They all have them, she/he can't be the only one". Only on Mumsnet have I heard parents wholeheartedly endorsing phone use and WhatsApp groups as being great for 11 year olds.

British parents are rather lax about use of devices. I have lived in America and France and not seen the same level of free access to gaming and phones

Surely you’re not suggesting that British parents are a homogenous mass who all handle things the same way?

It comes into its own when your child is off sick and can ask a friend to whatsapp over a photo of the notes and homework. A friend and i have also whatsapped school letters to each other

I have lived in America and France

My experience of expats talking about places they've lived is "in the affluent, middle class, university educated area I lived in while working for a multi-national, I found that the locals were far more educated and middle class than that time I stopped for a chip butty in Warrington."

But feel free to fill us in on parenting in the Ozark Mountains or the Massif Central.

DD will get one next birthday for yr6, mainly so she can keep in touch and let me know if she'll be going to a friend's house or whatever.

The link just took me to my Facebook page.

Forget the smart phone.. Hes a child he doesn't need one. Social media ruins kids lives imo. Focus more on building his confidence and tackling the prone to bullying bit... Kickboxing class or karate or something...

My experience of expats talking about places they've lived is "in the affluent, middle class, university educated area I lived in while working for a multi-national, I found that the locals were far more educated and middle class than that time I stopped for a chip butty in Warrington. But feel free to fill us in on parenting in the Ozark Mountains or the Massif Central

Is this how you shut down conversations you don't like? Mock people and dismiss their experiences? You have read an awful lot into a few words. It comes across as nasty.