to not allow our DS to have a smart phone (secondary school age)

[snowdropsrout]

DS goes to secondary school in Sep. Doesn't have a smart phone at moment in Yr6 . We were thinking 'big school' was the time we'd give in and let him have one. However, he seems prone to bullying/being picked on in school already. We are worried about what will happen when he delves into the cesspit of social media. Do all year 7s have smart phones? Do any/many parents not let their DC have them? Do kids get picked on/left out for not having one? I'm assuming yes! When I see things like this below it really scares me. Its been bad enough with 'ordinary' bullying sad

www.facebook.com/Ninecomau/videos/1750109161694755/?hc_ref=ARRvFV3xEeF-c4QabAqL29K_tPcBTso8j0r52NJT1TrpkSdcKrEAOe8Eng3-oDgivS8&pnref=story

They all take their phones to school at that age, in dds School the teachers put the homework on the whiteboard & the kids take a picture.

Ds is in year 7. Pretty everyone he knows has a smartphone. He used what’s app a lot to keep in touch with friends and phones have to be in bags/silent in classes.

He gets the bus to school so listens to music on it on the bus and of course calls me/dh to ask random things but also the check for example if he can go to the parks straight from school.

I agree with others if he’s being bullied you need to work on his confidence etc. Ds was bullied at primary but it has got a lot better at secondary as he can be away from the people he doesn’t get on with. We have a deal that me or dh can check his phone and he’s not allowed to change the pin.

My lot didn't have a smart phone until they were aged 14.They lived .

We'll I only have younger kids but all the high school teens round this area seem to have smart phones I see them at the bus stops in the mornings sometimes. I would prefer mine not to take them to school when they get to that age. But it doesn't look like schools round here ban them.

Nightshiftmadif they are going to/from school on their own wouldn’t you want them to have their phone with them?

My 11 year old is in year 6 and got an iPhone for her Christmas (slightly older model with good contract, unlimited texts etc but rose gold so she is over the moon!!)

Where we live is rural and it's a mixed bag how many of her friends have them!

She was absolutely over the moon to receive it but is very sensible and if ever takes anywhere makes sure it's zipped in a secure compartment in bag etc.

I have been quite sheltered with her and younger siblings but with her having to start getting a school bus for high school soon, wanting to do more things with friends I needed to grudgingly give her a bit more inpendence and the phone make me feel a bit better doing so.

I know lots of people will argue as kids we anever had them and survived but I do think it's one of these instances where times have moved on for the better, I remember a few times I really need to get in contact with my parents/was stuck when I was a teenager (including embarrassing getting my period on my way home) and a phone would have been a godsend!!...

The only thing I do keep an eye on is the constant posing for selfies and musically videos...but if it gets too much, I just take the phone off her and send her outside to climb a tree or something...which thankfully she is still really happy to do!!...

I think like anything it's just about managing it, and for us as long as we keep an eye on usage it's been really good move to make for her!!

Yes all have smart phones. Some of it is great such as they set up a yr 7 physics group. Even if you hold out on social media accounts until age 13 they can also communicate with each other through online games. I think if your DS doesn't have a (cheap!) smartphone they are at more risk of being bullied & socially isolated. Just make sure it's got good parental controls & you and he look at what is on it at regular intervals. Also maybe in yr7 not using it in his bedroom even in daylight hours.

My son had a cheap windows smart phone when he e moved into year 7, with the proviso that I get to check his phone every so often. He didn't have social media until he turned 13 and at that point we put qustodio into his by now better phone which allows us to set what he can and can't view on the internet etc. So some stuff (porn) it blocks and notifies us, some stuff it allows him to see but notifies us so that we can have a conversation about it (drugs/alcohol), other stuff he's can view freely. It also comes with a panic button so that he can alert us if he's in trouble.
His social group don't really seem to use what's app at the moment but they do use their phones for music etc etc. I pay the bill do I still get to look at what's on his phone periodically too make sure everything is add it should be. He currently has a Huawei phone and no one makes fun of him, it's a smart phone and does everything he needs so that's all fine!

This is interesting. DD2 (10) has had a phone 6 months. She told me that she was the only year 6 girl without one and I believed her, so I got one for her birthday. She's the youngest in the year, it's a tiny school, and the other girls are very affluent (we're not) so I believed it. It turned out she was the first to have one, and now they've all got one . We've just got to the point where we've said no WhatsApp, no using the phone as a phone, use it as a tablet, and we're getting a flip phone for secondary.

She's had so many groups on WhatsApp that have been started by people that have descended into fights, that she's ended leaving. She's had inappropriate videos sent to her. She's found it so intrusive.

I saw an interview of a teenager in America, I think? who was asked if she had a smart phone. She laughed and said "No, I have this crummy flip phone. I'm too busy doing stuff to have a smart phone. If people want to get hold of me, they can message me. If I want to talk to them, I can use my computer to facetime/WhatsApp/Skype them. If anything happens over social media and my teachers say "who was involved?" they know it wasn't me - I don't even have a phone that will do it! I'm living real life.

I don't think it's good for our kids to have 24/7 contact with each other. They don't have time for disagreements to blow over, instead of arguments being between two people, they become big group arguments. Life is just one big goldfish bowl.

he's a "lovely boy but a bit quirky and not the typical year 6" (his teachers words) . He seems a bit too 'nice'compared to his more street wise peers

You know, primary schools are very small ponds (with one, two or three forms a year) compared to secondary schools (which have anywhere between 6 and 12 forms a year), The mix of different people is enormous and you tend to find that more natural friend ships occur rather than the parent manufactured ones at primary school.

To not have a smart phone will the mark of your child being different. Of course, a lot of homework is internet based, you'd be surprised how savvy kids are with technology and need to nip in and out of the school app to check things.

DS1 is in Y7 and doesn't have a smartphone - he doesn't have any phone. He's never really been fussed about having one, we discussed it when he started secondary school and he said he'd just lose it (true, he has dyspraxia & ADD and loses everything!) and get too distracted by it and end up in trouble.

Our circumstances are such that he hasn't really needed a phone yet. We live close to school and his and my routines don't generally change at short notice. So he's not going to miss a bus or need a lift home or similar. He does have a tablet which he takes to school often, and he checks his email every lunchtime and break either on the tablet or on a school PC - if I need to let him know of anything urgently I email him or he emails me. I'm sure as he starts socialising in town with his friends more that he'll need one, but it isn't essential for now.

DS hates when classmates have their eyes glued to their phones constantly and can't understand the appeal of social media at all. He's still managed to make plenty of friends (a few of them don't have phones either actually).

Mine are 23 and 19. I held out against a smartphone until ds was 13 and dd 12. It was blackberry then! I don't think I'd hesitate at 11 now albeit cheap entry phones. Both their old schools now expect all pupils to have a tablet or chrome book for school work and school groups too.

They need to learn to use social media responsibly all the dc i knew who were banned from it had accounts in pretend names secret from their parents. Far more dangerous. Not having one is I imagine like being the girl who had to wear the belted gaberdine mac and nhs glasses held together with a plaster.

My 14 and 12 year old had them in the summer term of year 6. They were not taken to school till secondary school. We all have iPhones which have a parental control of a family group so they couldn't download any apps without my permission. My 14 year old is now able too as the restrictions are only active till 13. I have all there email and passwords for their social media accounts and check them periodically. It's hard letting go but they do need to be able to do what their peers are or they are more likely to be picked on I feel.

My DD had my old Nokia brick when she started secondary school as she had to get the school bus so could let us know when there was a problem.There was no point getting anything else as our internet and phone signals were rubbish.She borrowed my tablet at home.
We are now within walking distance of her school when we moved age12she got my old Moto and for her last bday she got a cheapish iPhone.and was allowed social medua but I have blicked some sites
The kids are not allowed phones at school so after a few times taking it in she now doesn't bother.
Her group use Instagram,Facebook messenger ,texts and she uses Watts app to send me pictures.One if her friends got his first phone this year ,he didn't get teased .
They are 14.Mostly they follow things on YouTube and she plays music and I hope is being sensible.It is invaluable for homework and thankfully she doesn't take selfies.

"My lot didn't have a smart phone until they were aged 14.They lived"

How long ago was this?

DD got her first phone in year 6 because I found it easier to let her become more independent if I knew she could get in touch. It wasn't a smart phone as they weren't really a thing then.

My dc are at a school where mobile phones are allowed. They have smart phones, but not fancy ones, and haven't had any hassle about it.

But what I will say is for my dd1 it has been invaluable socially. She is much more confident joining in on line than face to face. People got to know her with messages and it got her confidence up. She's had subject groups to ask questions about homework, and friendship groups where she can feel included.

The thing about cyber bullying which has also been helpful (although it wasn't relevant for her as as far as I'm aware it hasn't been a problem) is that there's proof. Bullying, especially among girls, can be very hard to prove. The gentle moving away when the child sits down, the snide comments, the leaving out etc. all very hard to pin down and prove. On the phone it's there in black and white, and often the nicer children will be the ones to report.

When there was a situation in dd1's year the whole message group it were called in, and most (those who had called it out in the chat were not) were put in isolation over it. The message was clear. You don't just ignore it, you report it.

LoniceraJaponica they are 16 ,18 and 20.All had plenty of friends,independence and freedom and were a lot more sociable before they had them too.

I think it depends on their friendship group and where they live. We live rurally, and there are no direct public transport routes between where we live and where most of DD's friends live so they tend to communicate a lot using social media rather than seeing each other.

They use Snapchat and Messenger, and occasionally Instagram. No-one uses WhatsApp.

My DD (14) has a smartphone (my old one and several years old) but doesn't have social media. Nor do a chunk of her friends. A smart phone doesn't mean a social media account.

The phone has to go into her bag turned off before she enters school. No phones are allowed out of bags on school grounds.

Yes I can see how that would make a difference.We are very central,kids had a lot of friends within walking distance or they biked it or hopped on a bus.They also always found a way to let me know if they were going to be late home for any reason,they never got bullied or looked down upon (that I'm aware of anyway) for having phones later than some of their peers and I have absolutely no regrets for making them wait,quite the opposite in fact.

We have the family sharing too and as his is an under 18 one he has to ask me if he wants an app (I get an iTunes message). I don't place any restrictions on apart from age of viewing setting

I trust my DS. He knows however that I check his phone regularly. We were advised by HT of secondary school to do this in earshot of the students so they know we will.

As others have said, I think not having a phone will more likely make him stick out. Just checked with DD (Y7) and she says it's maybe 2 or 3 DC per class that don't have a smartphone.

From my point of view the smartphone is useful to take a photo of the board (e.g. for homework, mind maps, key facts/vocab). The DC without phones end up writing this down, or relying on those who do to print them a copy. They also access homework via the phone and it's useful for google for project type work (yes, they can do this at home via other devices but DC sometimes prefer to do homework at school and can't always get a computer as they are often prioritised for older students).

DD's class have a WhatsApp group and it's 90% people saying "hi" and "I'm bored" but occasionally someone will tell a joke or retell something that happens to them and everyone gets very excited.

Equally the girls in DD's class recently planned a "everyone wear their hair in plaits and see how many of the boys notice" day * over WhatsApp. I can see if you're not on WhatsApp you'd be out of the loop. It's also useful for the DC to make social arrangements e.g. DD has just arranged to meet up with 3 other friends - without WhatsApp this would have taken multiple texts phone calls to make sure everyone knew what was going on.

• in case anyone was wondering, precisely none of the boys noticed

Now,see,that just makes me feel old as mobiles really weren't available late 80s for kids, I'm in denial and mobiles since the age of 10 on a parenting site.... just noooooo

I parent a school aged child and was BORN in the late 80s..... was not a teen parent (not that that would be an issue anyway) and had a mobile to start secondary as did most of my peers..... I hope you have made yourself feel better about whatever point you were trying to get at here with your underhand comment.....

OP - we have made the decision with a mobile for starting secondary and it will be a smart phone because I do unfortunately think something too basic opens children up to bullying. Luckily we haven't been asked at all yet about it BUT our child does constantly say things like "when I am x years old, Y will happen" like they have kept track of everything we have said "when you are older" to.

Everyone of ds’s boy friends and boy classmates bar one had a basic phone in P6/Yr5, it was practical as they all played out together throughout ours and the neighbouring kid friendly estate and it would have been impossible to track them down. Lots of the girls had them too, but can’t say for sure if all. They also used them to make plans to meet up. The boy without the phone found it difficult and missed out a bit as he wasn’t easily contactable for last minute plans if the weather improved and wasn’t allowed to play out as freely.

They all naturally moved to smart phones between P6/Yr5 and S1/Yr7, I know a lot of the boys mums and we have never known of any instances of bullying through phones in their large social group (they are S2/Yr8 now), but we have been very lucky they are a large group connected by school, local footie team, living locally and even Xbox online and are very close to each other.

If there are underlying issues with bullying phones can either help bring the excluded child into the social group or bring the bullying closer, this makes the decision so much harder.

My ds is currently in yr7 and we allowed him a phone at the end of yr6 in readiness for secondary school. I have found that it is not so much having a phone that is an issue but the social media it brings with it. We are very strict and do check his phone. He is not allowed social media accounts and any WhatsApp groups must be friends only and of a reasonable size. We are very glad we did this as just this week all parents in year 7 have received a letter to say that there are several WhatsApp chats with 100plus kids that are active and are causing misery by bullying. The school are doing what they can but they are urging parents to check the phones and do what they can. Year 7 is completely different to year 6 as there are so many more pressures