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Original poster

to not allow our DS to have a smart phone (secondary school age)

141 replies

snowdropsrout · 25/03/2018 00:34

DS goes to secondary school in Sep. Doesn't have a smart phone at moment in Yr6 . We were thinking 'big school' was the time we'd give in and let him have one. However, he seems prone to bullying/being picked on in school already. We are worried about what will happen when he delves into the cesspit of social media. Do all year 7s have smart phones? Do any/many parents not let their DC have them? Do kids get picked on/left out for not having one? I'm assuming yes! When I see things like this below it really scares me. Its been bad enough with 'ordinary' bullying sad

www.facebook.com/Ninecomau/videos/1750109161694755/?hc_ref=ARRvFV3xEeF-c4QabAqL29K_tPcBTso8j0r52NJT1TrpkSdcKrEAOe8Eng3-oDgivS8&pnref=story

OP posts:
MeredithGreys · 25/03/2018 14:39

I do think this generation is very much tech based. More Facebook messages than face to face, iPhones than ‘brick’ phones. A lot would say don’t conform to such things but my DD seen a classmate of hers tormented because she had a little flip up Nokia rather than the Samsung’s/iPhones that usually float about the class. It shouldn’t be like this but it is.

My kids have iPhones that they use to text, surf social media, use data/WiFi and general things. We’re very good with boundaries and privacy but I know it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Could DS have a techy looking phone with set restrictions?

twomadefour · 25/03/2018 15:38

My daughter started year 7 in September. She hasn't got a phone yet even though she's been asking for a while now.
She has whatsapp groups set up on my phone which I can check and see. If she wants to meet friends, she arranges it through my phone.
I'm mainly concerned about bullying too-girls can be bitches. I've already seen some bullying that she was subjected to through WhatsApp. And dealt with it!

I know she wants a phone and I'm still in two minds. It's so difficult. She doesn't have any social media.

Hoping to get something from this thread too!

BrownTurkey · 25/03/2018 16:06

You can hold off whats app/instagram/snapchat until 13, lots of parents will (and appropriate consequences if any accounts are set up that you don’t know about - its useful to point out that some other peoples parents will likely be monitoring his peers social media. That’s just reminded me of the time I downloaded whatsapp and to my suprise dd2 popped up as a contact 😂). There seems to be a lot of social gaming eg Xbox especially but not exclusively among the boys.

But a phone and internet access/music is part of growing up. Its not all about banning, its about helping him prepare for and negotiate the pitfalls. I did set out a fairly long list of my expectations to my dds, in writing, before they got phones and social media.

JacquesHammer · 25/03/2018 16:29

Mine is 11 and has had a smartphone since she was 8.

She doesn't have - and won't have - any social media until she's 13.

She can't purchase items without consent.

A smartphone doesn't have to be a top of the range, all singing all dancing affair.

Silverstreaks · 25/03/2018 16:42

We bought our DD 11 a modern retro Nokia 3310 in orange. She has an iPhone but has broken the screen a couple of times and they cost a lot to fix.
The Nokia is for calling and texting when she is away from us. The iPhone is for home but is for Wi-Fi use only as it doesn't have a SIM.. She's only had the Nokia a month, she needs to prove she can look after it and then we'll think about a smart phone once she starts secondary in September.

She's actually better off with the simple phone as the reception is much better than ours in this rural area.

Original poster
snowdropsrout · 26/03/2018 00:15

Hmmm. Lots of interesting food for thought here. Thanks for responses. We both have smartphones. He DOES already have a phone. (Silverstreaks - it's also a new retro orange Nokia 3310 he got for Christmas! ) In his new school I don't think they are allowed phones during day. Interesting that France are bringing in total ban on phones in schools from Sep 2018. Hadn't realised until I started researching this week www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/12/11/france-impose-total-ban-mobile-phones-schools/

In terms of parental controls, I'm dubious how watertight they can be as DC will be running rings round us in terms of how tech savvy they are. See this for example fox13now.com/2018/03/09/utah-teacher-asks-junior-high-students-what-my-parents-dont-know-about-social-media-is/

We do have good communication with him on threats etc. He was recently offered to view porn on way home from school by a 10 year old in his class (who has a smart phone!) and DS told me that evening. The other boy has very responsible parents who I'm sure have 'parental controls' on HIS phone but he has managed to by pass them. I suspect lots of parents delude themselves that their kids aren't accessing stuff when they are.
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03w512w

Will mull over but suspect that despite all my fears , we'll end up letting him have one so he's not 'odd one out'. Just think its a bit sad we are forced into this.

OP posts:
NinjagoNinja · 26/03/2018 01:43

On this the French have the right idea.

There is no reason to have a phone at school. Any problems go to the school office and they will ring your parents. God, however did we all manage??? I don't recall all these changes of plan and bizarre incidents on the way home that meant you had to be in constant contact with your parents.

LoniceraJaponica · 26/03/2018 07:07

In my day schools were much smaller. In a school of 1500 - 2000 pupils can you imagine the size of the queue at the office door if a pupil had forgotten their PE kit/pencil case/calculator/book etc and just wanted to contact a parent to bring it in? (assuming said parent was at home that day).

Students aren't allowed to contact parents if they are unwell, but have to go to the office.

At DD's school the students in lower school aren't allowed to use their phones in school, but as it is a rural school and many pupils have to travel several miles on a school bus (which has been known to break down/catch fire) on a route with either no public service or very occasional buses then a phone becomes essential.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 26/03/2018 07:14

In my day schools were much smaller

Which days were those? The school I started at in the mid-1970s was 1800 pupils, and had been since the 1960s when it was built.

LoniceraJaponica · 26/03/2018 07:29

My school had 700 pupils (1970s). I think schools with 1800 pupils were unusual back then.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 26/03/2018 07:37

I think schools with 1800 pupils were unusual back then.

Actually, in most areas it's the other way around: very large schools have been broken up, and most new schools that are built are smaller, typically around 1000 at most. I doubt an 11-form intake secondary has been built since the 1960s.

KERALA1 · 26/03/2018 07:52

We allowed a smart phone middle of year 6 dd and her friends (parents our friends) were the last in the class to get them.

TBH they are so important to them now a child without one would end up being seen as odd and excluded as it's how they communicate. We police it and no SM allowed.

It's not easy for us as our generation the last non digital natives...

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 26/03/2018 07:55

It's not easy for us as our generation the last non digital natives...

Squares think it's just a noise, but the kids love the pop beat of Mr Jagger and his long-haired Rolling Stones.

jelliebelly · 26/03/2018 07:57

My ds is in year 7 and I would say that almost all have phones - they aren’t allowed them in school though. Lots of instagram and snapchat use - like it or not it is now a vital part of building friendships and networks in a way that is alien to those of us who grew up in the 70s!

LoniceraJaponica · 26/03/2018 08:00

Not in our LA Cuboidal. The 2 newest schools built in the last few years have 1500 and 2100 students. Due to the number of new houses being built in the area DD's school is being extended to make room for another 250 pupils. Rural area so another school is not an option.

LoniceraJaponica · 26/03/2018 08:01

Posted too soon. Currently her school has a 10 form entry. It will go up to 11 or 12.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 26/03/2018 08:02

Both my boys,suffered with bullying at primary, for being "weird" and geeky etc.

They both completely found their feet in the big comp in town, having great sets of friends who are just like them. There are lots of different "tribes" at secondary, and the "cool" kids don't rule supreme like they did at primary.

And yes, they have phones.

Neither are into social media though, quite a lot of boys are not, as far as I can see

Hope your boy thrives in secondary too!

lljkk · 26/03/2018 08:08

There are so many challenges about transfer to secondary. I would want mine to be very comfortable knowing everything about how to use his smartphone long before he went. middle of yr6 is a good time to bring a phone in.

13yo DS has a smart phone but almost no social life & doesn't do any social media. I'm not sure this is a good thing.

NewMe18 · 26/03/2018 08:11

I have to say and I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m constantly amazed on MN at the amount of parents who say their child is already sidelined/teased/bullied and then the parents go ahead and make a decision which is clearly going to sideline and make them a target even more.

If you’re worried about internet safety, learn about it, set up accounts and access them yourself, turn off app download so they have to come to you before they can download anything. Have clear penalities for unauthorised social media. Put them on your iTunes account so they can’t do anything without you seeing.

Don’t remove them from their generations sole means of communication and then wonder why they don’t have mates

NewMe18 · 26/03/2018 08:13

I wanted to shake the mum in DDs class who constantly frets about why her son is picked on and then sent him to the year 6 disco in a full on tux and cumberband.

Never have I seen a kid want the floor to swallow him up more

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 26/03/2018 08:24

Don’t remove them from their generations sole means of communication and then wonder why they don’t have mates

Unlike in that film with Toni wossname, most children humiliated by their parents' lentil weaving don't have Hugh Grant as the cool uncle.

NewMe18 · 26/03/2018 08:59

@CuboidalSlipshoddy indeed

KERALA1 · 26/03/2018 09:09

Not having a phone in year 7 for a sociable girl would be social death. I am not exaggerating. You can not like it all you want but that is their reality.

We have a worthy type mother in dds class who has announced neither of hers will ever be allowed a phone or computer access. Her solitary year 6 son is fine with it but feel for her chatty dd in the next few years..

Snowyberry · 26/03/2018 09:13

Both my boys,suffered with bullying at primary, for being "weird" and geeky etc.
They both completely found their feet in the big comp in town, having great sets of friends who are just like them. There are lots of different "tribes" at secondary, and the "cool" kids don't rule supreme like they did at primary
Dd (year 9) has had exactly the same experience. She's much happier at her comp. It's such a relief isn't it!

NewMe18 · 26/03/2018 09:17

@KERALA1 yep, and when one of her mates gives her a phone on the sly the mum won’t have a clue what she’s doing on it