To say 'fuck it' and have no routine?

[lisajane29]

You've heard it all before: DD is 4 months old - wakes every 90 minutes at night, has just started refusing to sleep in her crib and won't sleep in cot either and now has to be rocked to sleep and CONTINUOUSLY rocked for the duration of all naps.

She FIGHTS naps. Today, I was rocking her on my knee while singing 'Row, Row, Row your boat' and she was smiling, laughing, looking around and generally doing anything but sleep. I put her down, told my DH and DM (who was round) that she hadn't slept in 3 hours, needed a nap before her activity and I wasn't doing it.

They couldn't get her to sleep. Problem (?!) is, she's absolutely fine without the sleep. Isn't grizzly or upset, just happy and smily and normal so rather than drive myself fucking insane with this nap/ sleep schedule, would I be unreasonable to have zero nap routine and just see what happens tomorrow?

What could go wrong?

Take a chill pill. My two never had much of a nap routine and were brilliant night sleepers because of it. DD pretty much never really day napped and slept through from 6 weeks. DS was a month prem, slept pretty much non-stop for the first 8 weeks and then slept through the night from about 12 weeks.

If your Mum is going to look after her, then talk to your mother, so you can come up with some kind of "routine" that works for both of you.
And routine means something like: getting up (rough time and plan), morning plan (I had to get my eldest out of the house by 9 as they needed fresh air in the morning or were cranky), some downtime (you get a tea/coffee they play quietly/doze in buggy, lunch, afternoon activity, afternoon nap, tea time, probably bath and bed.
And all babies change their routine regularly for: growth spurts, colds, clock changing etc.

All I had heard since she was born (from certain family members) was that I needed to get her into a routine and make sure she had enough naps for her development. Now I am hearing that I should be 'picking' her nap times and sticking to them so she will sleep. I have tried to explain to them all many times that I put her to sleep when she is tired but when she was about 4 months old I thought 'maybe I am doing it all wrong!' And tried to get her to stick to a routine. Didn't work. Ended in tears for both of us. Now I go with when she is tired, I put her to sleep. It's much easier! We stick to the same-ish bedtime but she's happy to do that.

However I'm still being needled about sleep training blah blah blah. And certain family members are offering to come and sleep train her for me!! She will get there herself. I'm sure of it.

Do whatever gets you through. If that means ditching the routine, do it without a second thought.

By 4m DS1 would fight sleep in the day. In fact he had started to do this at 11 weeks, but by 4m I think it was down to one, 1hr nap at about 11am. Then slept through the night from 11 til 7. DS2 was similar. Maybe start dropping daytime naps, or establish one short nap. If they are tired at night thats ideal isn't it.

I'm an organised sort of person and I love a routine, but I'm baffled by people who think that all babies should fit in to the same routine. As adults we all have different sleep needs and preferences - some are larks, some are owls, some enjoy a nap and some don't - and I don't see why babies would be any different. If you follow their cues and they fall into a routine, great - but trying to force them in to a routine that you think they should have is a recipe for stress on all sides.

But she does have one! It’s really clear. She has a morning nap around 11/11:30. She always has a feed at 3. Which means you can happily go for a walk after that since she would be fed. And she might fall asleep on that walk.
She then has a cat nap at 6pm-ish. If she did fall asleep on the 3 pm walk then you might avoid that 6 pm nap and have an earlier bedtime.

And when tired instead of frantically rocking and cuddling think of what would help you to sleep. So dark room, Milk before the nap, and maybe just hold her and shush or pat gently or just cuddle. If you sing etc then that’s stimulating her. Does she have a dummy? Most kids need a comfort object to nap. DS1 had a dummy. He fed to sleep and then had a dummy. DS2 sometimes feeds to sleep. He gets tired and then rubs what I call his ‘dirty cloth’ frantically across his face and falls asleep. And I don’t have to hold him for this. He goes down in his Sleepyhead although when he was very little he needed tucking in and a few pats.

They - babies - find their own routine, just be aware of their natural patterns and work with them.

My son was text book and fell into naps/routine with little effort. He was my first and I very smugly felt it was easy.
Fast forward to my daughter, she was the total opposite. I tried hard to get her into the expected routines, which to be honest made my baby months with her miserable. She is a teen now and a total delight. I wish I'd enjoyed her more as a baby and not battled trying to get her into a routine that wasn't needed.

christ i never bothered with formal naps. DD fell asleep during day when she needed to, i popped her on the sofa while she slept. i occasionally took her for a drive or walk in pram if she was grumpy and hadnt slept for a while and she usually nodded off.

It’s always reassuring to read of experiences that mirror your own as even though I’m doing what works for us, sometimes I doubt myself and wonder whether I should be doing it differently. My boy is 3 months and fairly unscheduled.

However there’s a morning nap, and an afternoon nap that I usually facilitate in a sling, and an evening nap/ start of sleeping. There’s variation in the times. I learnt things by watching/trying to respond to cues though. Now he’s more alert, I ignore a certain heavy lidded look at my peril. Even if he’s smiling and playing, I must not ignore the nap! He’s also another needs to be rocked to sleep... but I learnt that leaving him happy in side car crib in the morning, and putting my hand on him, leads what seems like a very awake baby to find himself asleep. Having little experiments and happy accidents as he grows has been very helpful. He changes so fast, my tactics and ‘routine’ often need to adapt too. Perhaps rocking isn’t the way forward, and as people have suggested some down time at sleepy signs would help?

Oh and drop the app. I started doing that and realised that way madness lies! There’s no way sometimes to make caring for a baby predictable or rational. I think like strict routines, data gives the illusion of insight when in reality the answer is ‘i don’t know why’

I agree with drop the app, my Dd is 12 so there wasn’t an app - it’s just a more oppressive version of the baby must be in a routine book

I never had a routine for my little girl and she is 18 months and fine. She sleeps through the night! Some days she has naps and some days she doesn't just depends on how she's feeling and always has!

My twins were not schedulable in any sense until around 10-11 months. They’re now 18 months and have a very fixed schedule that works for them but that has its drawbacks too. I was very much led by them, but I didn’t really have a choice.

YANBU
We just went through 4 month sleep regression and DS was refusing to nap and waking often in the night. I found trying to stick to a routine was stressing me out so just went with the flow. And spent a lot of time driving to get him to nap! (Mine slept better at night after napping during the day) you'll find a rhythm eventually.

Nice to see cathf on yet another thread slating parents who are probably just following their instincts by allowing their babies to sleep when they're tired and eat when they're hungry

What is all this establishing a set routine thing? My kids are now in their late teens and when they were babies this routine just wasn’t really a thing... go with the flow some sleep loads and some hardly nap... why why why is there an obsession at every stage of our lives that humans should all do everything the same way from sleeping, to eating, to walking, to doing maths and learning history... we are beautifully, wonderfully unique... stop beating yourself up OP... your darling babe just doesn’t need loads of naps, so what?

I did no routine with DS2 and was much happier
Fed in demand and when he slept I put him down . He is fine and I had a much happier time

When I think of the HOURS I spent trying to force DS1 into a routine I could actually weep

Ethel, maybe my opinion is different to yours? It does happen you know.
Anyway, clearly baby-led stuff is clearly on trend now, so I am a voice in the wilderness.
Routines will come back into fashion at some point - although everyone on here will be convinced they won't and refer to research showing a baby will be damaged for life if they cry for two minutes.
At some point in the future, there will be new research showing babies feel more secure in a routine, and I will come back then

I'm ditching the app today and going with the flow. I've woken up with a stinking cold so have even less energy than usual so this revelation has come at the right time.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying there's going to be zero routine in anything. Still going to do bath time and go to our regular baby groups and stuff at the same times. That counts as routine, doesn't it?

The day I stopped worrying about routines and anxiously timing everything was the day I really began to enjoy DS. Now at 9 months old he has found his own little rhythm to the day and we are all a lot happier. Some babies and people thrive on routine, others are happier without. Do whatever is best for you and your baby.

YANBU I have 3 DC and I wish I could tell my new mum self that at 4months it’s all fine.... they will show you in time what they need in terms of routine. dc3 is now 9months and it’s textbook! And nothing to do with me!!

Just enjoy your baby and all the other stuff can wait x

Exactly what I did - I used to do food and bath at roughly the same time every day but apart from that no routine at all. I used to say our days had a rhythm but not a routine. My first just didn’t seem to need much sleep from day 1 and still doesn’t now at 8. I also breastfed forever and didn’t even bother with a cot. Just went with the laziest option, and for what it’s worth he’s a brilliant sleeper and v independent now so I’m glad I ignored all the doomsayers. Having no expectations and very low standards with everything certainly took a lot of the stress out of life with a small baby!

That counts as routine, doesn't it?

I'd say so!
We are still doing bedtime at the same time every day and the same little relaxing routine leading up to bedtime and everything else just as and when.