12 year old using porn sites

[Myheartbelongsto]

My 12 year old, almost 13 was having a problem connecting his phone to WiFi. Said I'd take a look for him. Searched sky support and three windows were open showing porn videos.

How do I deal with this?

Rumpledfaceskin maybe we were unusual but my friends and I all had personal (cheap second hand) laptops or desktop PCs in our rooms growing up. So it was very much on demand.

Limon I’m 30 and none of my peers had their own computer. I don’t know what was the norm then but I assumed that most other kids didn’t.

Rumpledfaceskin yeah I think it depended at that time on whether you had parents interested in computing. My dad was so we had them in the house. It was a cheap second hand one but having the disposable income for an extra computer must be a factor too.

I think this is a “moment” OP: you can decide whether you want your son to know that you approve of an industry that is built on the oppression and degradation of women, or you don’t.

I know what I’ll be saying to my son.

In terms of the logistics, no way should a 12 year old have unfettered access to the internet - the nspcc have some really good advice avout this.

It’s interesting that all the posters saying “shucks, he’ll do it anyway” - does that apply to drink? Drugs? Actual sex with actual other people?

“Going nuclear” is never the way to get through to nearly teens, but this situation has the potential to be a massive learning opportunity. Does he want to be a man who thinks this industry is ok?

I ran some groups for young teens about porn last year. It was fascinating. They desperately need boundaries and guidance navigating through this Brave New World anything, anytime, anyplace.

I think you're probably taking the right approach OP. However those posters saying tell him that if he ever sees anything in porn he has questions about, or is worried by, to talk to you are hopelessly naive. No pubescent boy is going to want to discuss porn with his mum. Can they picture their 12 year old saying "Mum I saw a woman getting gang banged and triple penetrated, can you tell me more about that?"

The more important thing to emphasise with your kids is the damage porn does to their growing brains. Send them here, or read up and distill it for them, www.yourbrainonporn.com

Rather than talking about how degrading porn is to women - which is a very remote and high minded idea for a child - tell them how it will damage their psychology and neural pathways which could impact upon having a healthy relationship in future. If they can't picture the idea that their brain isn't mature enough to see porn, ask them what they would say to an 8 year old who wanted to watch it.

The place you want to get to is where the child has negative associations with porn and so will choose to avoid it where possible. Like you might do with sweets or junk food.

Kaspersky safe kids app is brilliant - makes the phone / tablet very controllable and they even ping you to notify you if they try and take it off or disable it!

@Myheartbelongsto Sorry, havent rift properly so sorry if this is a repeat. Aside from how you deal with it directly with your son. Check his phone/ other electronics don't have any apps that bypass the firewalls/restrictions you place on your router. Ensue everyone in your family, where he may take his phone, also have parental restrictions on their wifi -i.e. Grandparents houses. Check all devices for vpn app which also bypass parental restrictions. Check out all apps on phone for descriptions on AppStore if you don't know what they are. Loads of people have been caught out by kids doing this, 12 is very young but if he's at secondary, it's amazingly scary what the overhear from older kids at school. We keep all electronics downstairs and they aren't allowed to take them to the bathroom!!!

Op, you might like to have a good look at this website: parents.culturereframed.org

There is an online course to help parents to deal with children and use of porn.

The founder is Gail Dines and she is amazing. This is a great article and please watch the video in the link. It explains the effects of porn on both girls and boys and is truly scary. It blew my mind.

theconversation.com/parents-need-to-start-talking-to-their-tweens-about-the-risks-of-porn-91888

Slightly different angle: have you considered your son saw something that scared him and the whole 'phone isn't connecting' is a red herring? You need to educate him. Not with a one off chat either. My dh struggled with porn addiction and it started when he was your son's age. The problem with porn is that it goes way beyond satisfying curiosity. It opens a huge can of worms that leads to more questions and all of the wrong answers.

It might be a bit heavy for a 12 year old but there’s a direct link between non-ethical porn, ‘supply and demand’ and sex trafficking. So maybe something along the lines of ‘porn isn’t harmless because girls and women are being tricked or forced into doing it’. Here’s some information for anyone wanting to know more:

www.covenanteyes.com/2011/09/07/the-connections-between-pornography-and-sex-trafficking/

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/fightthenewdrug.org/the-internet-can-be-a-very-unsexy-place-we/amp/

Rumplefaceskin I was not suggesting the OP tell police what has happened though it may have sounded like that. I am pointing out what another poster alluded too - if a child is accessing this and the parents just let them get on with it that would be a child protection issue. As a teacher perhaps my perspective is different.

Snowjoker no sorry I don’t follow. Do you really think it’s a sensible use of police time for a parent to report themselves because their tween looked at some porn and the parent is worried about it? I don’t think I’m understanding what you mean.

I’m incredibly heartened that there are people on this thread who are fully informed about how horrendous pornography is to our society, to our brains. Back when I first started getting actively involved in feminism and the anti-porn movement, most mainstream forums I visited overwhelmingly were pro-porn. There are many reasoned, articulate responses here. I hope the OP pays them some attention.

It worries me where the next few generations will end up if they keep consuming pornography the way they are. Misogyny is a huge, worldwide, all encompassing crime, and for an individual to act as if it doesn’t exist makes them complicit in the harm done to millions of girls and women every year in the name of masculine pleasure.

No I don’t that’s why I said i wasn’t suggesting the OP tell the police.
Being exposed to sexual images when underage is something we were told should be reported (as teachers) in child protection training.

Teacher here too and that’s why I mentioned child protection. Definitely something that teachers would flag up.

Ahhh, gone are the good old days of the smutty magazines (my sex education). Did your DC stumble upon it by accident? Some links have dirty adverts. You will have to talk to him for sure.

he has probably been in a forum that introduced him to pornhub or something defo talk to him about it but don't get angry or shame him

Honestly, in your pace I would pull the 'porn is gross' and 'you won't be able to enjoy proper sex' line. It doesn't matter how rationally and morally wrong it is. When you are that age impulse control isn't exactly a strong point. Far better to just make it as unappealing as possible. I'm not a prude. Certainly wasn't exactly what you would call an innocent early teen. But I never had much interest in porn because the kinds of people featured and the things they did had been ingrained as undesirable. It's a bit hard to get pleasure out if porn when you spend the entire time thinking 'yuck, why doesn't anyone have public hair?'

Sure you have spoken to him by now. But a helpful tip I was given was to use a comparison to something else in their life and how it is portrayed in film.

For example you could say that Fast and Furious is a representation of driving that people might enjoy watching. However it is not a true representation of what driving is like in real life, and is actually dangerous. You could then say that porn is the sex equivalent of Fast and Furious and not a true representation of what consensual mutually enjoyable Asex is like. And explain it’s important to understand that as unlike with driving, he doesn’t have daily examples of a healthy sexual encounter to see to reinforce that ideas. Ask him how he would think of driving if the only driving he ever saw was in Fast and Furious. These things will make him think hopefully.

The person who told me this approach was a 17 year old boy, who had been give the advice by a youth worker. He said it was the first thing that really made him think about the porn he was watching and his expectations of sex.

Anyway good luck. This parenting lark is hard!

I really wonder what is the matter with some people. This is why I will never identify as a feminist. "true consensual normal sex" is like saying that anything other than missionary with little to no foreplay is rape or not normal. Jesus I thought we'd got over this whole, 'no sex please we're british' thing. Watching 2 people having anal, squirting and blow jobs etc is NOT hard-core porn, the tied up/choking/crying porn is.

Missionary is never going to truly be enjoyed by both parties when it's every time for the next 10-20 years cos it's lazy as fuck on the woman's side of things. Putting some effort in doesn't make u downtrodden by 'the man' and nor does enjoy a full range of sexual things make you abnormal (Wether man or woman)
I notice that rape fantasy has been ignored but of course that because thousands of woman fantasize about it so can't ban that cos it would be sexist.

For decades woman were campaigning for the right to have their sexual wants and desires recognised and now u have a generation of woman who have reverted to making it shameful!
As for the religion bullshit that has nothing to do with it. I have a massive problem with how religion is taught in school but I don't think it shouldn't be part of education. It needs to be inclusive to ALL religions or not at all and it needs to be factual (which it isn't always) However, that doesn't mean I'm gonna let my dd watch porn.

Op obviously u haven't said which videos he was watching so NOBODY can comment on whether it was hardcore or not but I wouldn't tell him it wasn't a true representation of "normal" sex unless it was so completely out their that it was unlikely he'd come across some1 who enjoyed it in his real adult life but rather explain that people enjoy different things and just because that woman/man enjoys participating in that type doesn't mean every1 will, which is why it is very important to have an open conversation with any partner about likes and dislikes before sex is happening.

But please stop referencing pearl necklaces in the same sentence as sex I almost lost my breakfast 😂😂 (not that I'm a prude but I'm nauseous enough in the mornings as it is)
x

Surely hardcore refers to how explicit a video is, ie you are watching people having penetrative sex, there are close ups, you see semen etc. The position it is in is not the issue.
12 year olds don’t need to see any videos depicting actual sex. If this was useful for their development we’d all invite them in to watch their Mum and dad (or the next door neighbours if want non-blood relatives!) going at it.

12?!! Oh god this is my worst parenting nightmare.

I found evidence of it on my TEN year olds iPad

Luckily it was very VERY tame because it was only YouTube, and the rest of his iPad is locked down and wouldn't bring anything else even remotely pornographic up even if he'd tried.

We've previously had the talk about sex and that it's how people make babies, so I think he was just curious - but horrifying that kids who are curious can find this stuff and think it's "true to life"?!?

I approached it that if he has questions he can come to me but I don't want him looking it up on his iPad, he's been told it's his first warning, if it happens again he loses the internet and a third time he loses the iPad.

But please stop referencing pearl necklaces in the same sentence as sex I almost lost my breakfast 😂😂 (not that I'm a prude but I'm nauseous enough in the mornings as it is)

I had not picked up on that reference- it certainly made me chuckle.

I think I would also like to add that there is no official viewpoint of “ the feminist” with regards this. There are views held by some feminist expressed here that I would disagree with.... and that’s fine. It’s ok to disagree. I certainly would support a woman’s right to enter the sex industry if that was an informed choice made willingly and without coercion. I know that the developments in digital cameras have allowed lots of performers to take control of the production and promotion of their own films via platforms such as Manyvids.com. This allows them to work with whoever they choose in the industry. There are also couples making amateur films and posting then on the web - which clearly doesn’t fit into the rhetoric that porn is not “ real sex” . I wonder if presented with an articulate, intelligent woman working in porn anyone would be prepared to set aside their prejudices and decide well “ it’s not for me but maybe it’s not all bad”. Probably not I’m guessing. Now, that’s not to say that there isn’t a downside to exposure to it just like there’s a downside to drinking too much alcohol but prohibition only had the effect of making it more desirable. Presumably the answer lies in education and making informed choices.

By the way I don’t work for manyvids or the adult industry so I have no axe to grind.

Lilyput - I was 11 when I found my brothers stash of porno mags. This curiosity is not new it’s just the scope of material available is so much wider and broader. I would certainly support no IT in bedrooms and the possibility of random spot checks despite my views expressed above. Porn is for adults not children