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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

12 year old using porn sites

124 replies

Myheartbelongsto · 23/03/2018 11:34

My 12 year old, almost 13 was having a problem connecting his phone to WiFi. Said I'd take a look for him. Searched sky support and three windows were open showing porn videos.

How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
TempusFugitive · 23/03/2018 14:41

I'm sure the women who choose to earn a half decent pretty penny doing porn would rather be living in a world where women were paid a fair wage and not automatically starting from behind the starting block compared with men.

There will never be a shortage of neglected, unloved, damaged abused women who've been so invalidated and so objectified and neglectled that they don't even recognise that they're self-destructing Have to hide the thread. Too fucking nuts.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/03/2018 14:42

I think you should approach it in a very matter of fact style.

Tell him porn is no reflection of real world sex in relationships. This is where this type of thing starts. He'll soon think things like deep-throating, choking and so forth are just the norm. For some they might be but it's setting up a very skewed and distorted idea of sex between two individuals.

Sit him down and explain all this. Even if he cringes in embarrassment then so be it.

YoloSwaggins · 23/03/2018 14:43

Isn't saying that all the women who work in porn are downtrodden and degraded and brainwashed a bit.....insulting to their intelligence? Lots of people choose that career and enjoy it.

HandbagKrabby · 23/03/2018 14:49

Sick to death of adults whining on about their right to watch porn. Op wouldn’t have to be dealing with this situation if adults were adults about who should be seeing the violent degradation of women that passes for titilation these days instead of acting like massive babies who will pout and sulk if they can’t get their kicks. The pain and humiliation is real, it’s the pleasure that’s fake in porn - or do you think it’s all bloody cgi?

I dread to think what type of conversations I’ll be having in a few years time with my dc, in the hopes that I can possibly minimise the impact of porn on their lives. Maybe watch some sexy films (not porn) that vaguely show women enjoying sex acts that aren’t violent and aren’t about men’s pleasure. Or maybe teen movies about sex like American Pie. Anything to take sex out of the depths of modern porn and somewhere where it’s about making people happy and everyone consents.

LimonViola · 23/03/2018 15:05

Limon ya think things have moved on somewhat since you were 12..?

No, i don't think it has significantly. If you're implying it's now more hardcore? It isn't. The internet was fully available in the year 2000 when I was twelve as were a lot of the sites that are still going! It was easy at the click of a button to access hardcore fetish material and extreme stuff.

My point anyway isn't that there's no guarantee watching porn won't have an impact on him of some kind, it's that he'll watch it whether it's with your knowledge or behind your back so better for him to have a mum by his side who he can talk to and ask questions if he wants to. Rather than feeling it's a big dirty secret and being unable to talk to anyone if he sees something upsetting.

Myheartbelongsto · 23/03/2018 15:06

If not - that's quite an assumption you've made there.

Of course I am bothered. Just because I'm not going to go in guns blazing doesn't mean I'm not bothered.

The conversation will be embarrassing enough for him so I'm not going to make him feel that way.

I'm just going to explain to him that these videos are degrading and not a reflection of real life sex etc.

I know what I want him to understand at the end of the conversation.

I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet as it's the last day of school before Easter holidays and my daughter has a friend here.

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 23/03/2018 15:21

I agree with northern. It's people's disapproval that's the issue.
In fact I'd go so far as to say that people's disapproval and disgust is what is fuelling "mental health issues" regarding porn because your all making people think theirs something wrong with them if they watch porn.
Dh & I watch porn as a couple and we both watched porn growing up. We have perfectly healthy attitudes to sex.
Porn is fantasy nothing more.
And I have used porn hub many times and those mentioned are from the hard-core and rough sections, They are not all like that.
I also disagree that it's degrading and objectifying to women. These women choose to do these videos (on normal porn sites anyway) and get paid a pretty penny for them as well. You only have to watch the whole video (or skip to the end) to know that these woman are fine and perfectly happy despite maybe seeing the tide up/choked etc.
But I bet half of the woman who complain about porn objectify men (or would given half the chance)!!

Good for you! [hmm} though I doubt you have any idea the misery porn addiction can cause, or how many teens are actually addicted! Or the teenage girls being asked for anal eg by their teenage boyfriends!

Porn is far too accessible and it shouldn't be. When I was 12 The only thing I had access to was a magazine and a dodgy video, both contained none of the violent stuff that is available now!

I am not a prude by any stretch and porn never used to bother me much but it does now, my own DS had a video on his phone at 13 that a friend had sent and I was livid with him.

Also I wouldn't go and see strippers etc so would not objectify men. I will be happy if those restrictions to online porn happen in April.

NotTakenUsername · 23/03/2018 15:22

I’m sure these ‘right on’ porn approving parents are the same ones who gasp in horror at anything religious being taught in school.

Full disclosure, I’m all for the separation of the church and the state/education... because young influenceable children shouldn’t have such ideas thrust upon them.

But hard core porn when puberty has (possibly) only started... no, no, of course that’s fine and normal... Hmm

Op you obviously enjoy a bit of porn yourself. Your boy is a child. This is NOT ok. It is NOT normal.

Interested about why you won’t highlight to him that you and your daughter are female too.

DN4GeekinDerby · 23/03/2018 15:30

That sounds rough OP. I think the possible computer issue needs to separate from the porn. If mine had gone around my parent blocks, particularly the router settings, they would be in serious trouble. That puts their younger siblings at risk. Their curiosity doesn't give them extra privileges. But, the punishment for that needs to be another thing.

With my oldest at 13, it was admitting to adult-rated comics on his phone followed a few months after that to my needing to fix his phone and finding he never closed any of his windows in his browser...just kept opening more...and the very embarrassing thing while we both sat there while I closed through several deviant art pictures. All drawings and nothing that explicit but yeah.

First time, after a very long talk with us going through all the comics and discussing the issues, he did lose his phone for a bit as he had broken the rules and he lost the comic app when it was given back.

Second time, more conversation where on one hand we did discuss that his action were typical and how we and many people we knew had looked at similar at his age, we also discussed the limits of what we would consider fine and what would be punished (like altering parental blocks, showing it to others, and so on) and showed him how easily we could tell if he breaks our trust on this.

We also discussed porn and the issues mostly mentioned in this thread of it being unrealistic, being unable to be sure if the people involved consent, that a lot of it involves violence against women, how orgasms are pretty much the brain's ultimate encouragment tool so it's important while his sexuality is developing not to have that associated with such images as well as the addictive and drive for more hardcore that porn can have particularly as my son has addiction in a lot of his family tree so I'm very upfront that he is at higher risk of that than most just as I am.

I was upfront that I would rather not explain all the issues as he's only 13 but that if he did break my trust and chose to watch porn, I would likely find out and I have a growing reading list of books by more eloquent women who've also lived through it so if he chooses to, I would ensure he was well informed on his choice. Not exactly gun blazing or nuclear but I think it certainly made it less appealing.

As someone who survived sexual exploitation as a teen, and some people I knew then did not, I have no patience that while it might not be every single woman, the pain of poor, scared, often drugged up women that the porn industry relies on and most sites, including porn hub, take footage from each other and have absolutely no checks whatsoever if the women are paid (or keep their pay, a lot goes to 'facilitators' of various types and pay is often used to push women into certain acts) or cared for and the US industry - which is the majority of pornhub content - has fought hard to keep age and welfare checks out.

People can insult my intelligence all they want, I was a dumb messed up kid, it's better than saying I enjoyed what I've done to survive.

IfNot · 23/03/2018 15:31

In 2000 there were no smart phones. You didn't carry the Internet about with you, and most people in the UK didn't even have broadband yet, or the capability to download or stream a lot of content.

Things HAVE changed.
I tell you what, it's fucking horrible being the parent of a 12 year old boy when you know that so many of his friends parents think viewing hardcore porn is just something they are gonna do.
I'm so not a prude, and I have talked to my son about sex and puberty. I'm very open.
That doesn't mean I'm cool with children watching the objectification and degradation of women.
I also happen to know that
a)every woman I ever met who worked in the sex trade had been abused as a child, and b) too many adults want to turn a blind eye because they watch porn themselves and are totally desensitised to it.
It fucking sickens me.

Myheartbelongsto · 23/03/2018 15:32

Nottaken - Where on earth do you get that I enjoy porn myself.

From your posts I could make assumptions about you also. Maybe you like it missionary with the lights off. Tell me, do you let go of your pearls during sex or put them around your neck so they are within clutching distance.

OP posts:
Marmaladeorange · 23/03/2018 15:35

There’s a podcast called Jon Ronson called The Butterfly Effect. It’s all about the porn, particularly the monopolisation over online porn by one guy who has made his fortune through free/easy access porn. Ep 4 looks at the potential (and actual) impact upon children. It’s scary. So important that parents are under no illusions as to what their children are up to online, and to have an early intervention into their child’s perception of sex and relationships in order to restore some semblance of normality. Yes, they are innocent and they are your babies. But they are also incredibly vulnerable and part of a new, frightening generation.

LexieLulu · 23/03/2018 15:38

I think curious teenagers will watch porn, whether it's by websites or sending between friends.

If you want to fully prevent that, you should have contract phones in your name, where you can see everything they're doing.

Alternatively I would sit your son down and explain porn isn't real life, it isn't normal to do the acts they do on camera (anal, fisting, rape, I can't think of any more extreme things but you get my drift) and it's actually degrading to women. Porn isn't real life and I think that is something we need to teach young men.

You can only teach him respect.

isthismummy · 23/03/2018 15:46

My DH lost his virginity at 12 as a direct result of surfing porn sites. He still feels scarred by it to this day.

You need to come down hard on this op. He is far too young to be looking at these things. That phone needs to be confiscated for starters.

Confusedbeetle · 23/03/2018 15:48

I can't get used to the idea that so many thing its ok to see women and young girls abused. How does that fantasy arouse you? My conversation to this boy as a mother would be very harsh and I would want to be sure that he understood the wrong in desiring sexual pleasure through someone else's pain and suffering. Please dont talk the rubbish about the "stars" being willing. Even if that were true it is not relevant to the concept. I would be equally appalled at some one getting their kicks out of torturing animals. I am not a pearl wearing prude, sex can be a great pleasure, cruelty is not. Most of these fantasies grow from a dark place in someone psyche. Sex murderers start their journey in this stuff

Pecanpickles · 23/03/2018 15:56

I think a matter of fact approach is sensible, agree do not fly off the handle.

However, not to be alarmist, but this is a safeguarding issue. Children aged 12 should not be watching porn and it is tour responsibility as his parent to make sure he does not have access to it. So personally I don’t think that “I know I can’t stop you but please think about it” is a strong enough message.

SpiritedLondon · 23/03/2018 15:57

Well I think there's a lot of sense being spoken on here and some absolute rubbish. I think a lot of kids this age will want to , or have accessed hardcore pornography ( by hardcore I mean penetrative rather than extreme) - one problem being the ease in which they can get hold of it. I think there's a report from CEOPs that shows that something like 60% of phones held by teenagers have no parental controls. Of course OP you put on controls and your DS has worked around them - I would be pissed off about that.

With the pornography itself there is a great deal of variety in the type of footage available so it's wrong to generalise. I have accessed both Youporn and PornHub and I can't remember seeing any footage of any woman being injured/ raped/choked or crying. Of course that stuff is inevitably available but that doesn't mean it is reflective of the adult industry as a whole. Other than that there's quite a lot of content that DOES reflect what people like to do in their sex lives - lots of stuff which is quite mainstream ( even missionary position). I think there definitely needs to be a conversation about body types, enhancements ( fake boobs ) etc so that young people can distinguish between what is real and to be expected and what's " fantasy" Whether you are the person to have that conversation OP or whether it's a job for your DH ( (other person) will be down to you to decide.

Snowjoker · 23/03/2018 16:03

Tell the police that your 12 year old is accessing hardcore pornography and you’ll have a chat with him about respect - but not remove internet access or tell him he is not allowed to do it.
You’re grooming them to be open to abuse from others due to this over sexualisation, never mind the impact when they are older on relationships.

NotTakenUsername · 23/03/2018 16:03

From your posts I could make assumptions about you also. Maybe you like it missionary with the lights off. Tell me, do you let go of your pearls during sex or put them around your neck so they are within clutching distance.

And there it is.

Tell me, please, what would be the problem with a women only enjoying that position with a man? If both found it fulfilling and satisfying...

I guess it would be such a far cry from the images portrayed in these vile videos that any man or woman exposed to them from a young age could be forgiven for seeing your example as somewhat substandard and ‘vanilla’ in terms of where the bar is for sexual experiences... something that could used to shame a woman into behaving different or at least as a convenient put down. Perhaps they could even imply it made that woman a prude.

Apologies about the suggestion you enjoy porn yourself, I seem to have misinterpreted a previous post of yours.

Myheartbelongsto · 23/03/2018 16:40

Snowjoker - say what now?

Are you suggesting I'm grooming him?

Honestly, while I see the seriousness about a 12 having watched a porno I think some of the responses here are a little Ott.

He hasn't had his phone in his possession since not that it would matter right now as he would have to connect to the WiFi due to having no credit.

He still thinks he can't connect to it when the reality is I've changed the password until I can speak to him.

I've only internet at home for three weeks so him looking at porn off his own back will only be recent.

He will certainly lose his phone now as looking at porn is not what it's for!

OP posts:
Pecanpickles · 23/03/2018 16:42

This may be useful:
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-porn/

Myheartbelongsto · 23/03/2018 17:18

Pecan, that is a brilliant link. Thank you!

OP posts:
LimonViola · 23/03/2018 18:16

IfNot

"In 2000 there were no smart phones. You didn't carry the Internet about with you, and most people in the UK didn't even have broadband yet, or the capability to download or stream a lot of content.
Things HAVE changed.
I tell you what, it's fucking horrible being the parent of a 12 year old boy when you know that so many of his friends parents think viewing hardcore porn is just something they are gonna do.
I'm so not a prude, and I have talked to my son about sex and puberty. I'm very open.
That doesn't mean I'm cool with children watching the objectification and degradation of women.
I also happen to know that
a)every woman I ever met who worked in the sex trade had been abused as a child, and b) too many adults want to turn a blind eye because they watch porn themselves and are totally desensitised to it.
It fucking sickens me."

Yes that's true. The internet is everywhere now. Back in 2000 you had to use it at home only. But I imagine most people watching porn on their phones these days are at home anyway.

So it's about the degradation and objectification of women? I take it you'd be fine with him watching two adult gay men having sex in that case?

NotTakenUsername · 23/03/2018 18:22

I see you have conveniently ignored my post op. Why is that?

Rumpledfaceskin · 23/03/2018 18:25

Tell the police that your 12 year old is accessing hardcore pornography

Honestly this is so ridiculous it’s actually funny. However, I’d be worried by a 12 year old having access to hardcore stuff. I agree it’s far too young and could influence them before they have had any RL experiences. Big difference between adults watching porn and children watching porn. I think the posters on here minimising this are missing an important point and that’s the phone thing. Sure we had the internet when I was growing up but we only had acesss to one family computer. You might be lucky and get to look up a few naughty images once in a while whilst your mum was out but you’d never have had immediate access in private to the kind of stuff kids see now.