12 year old using porn sites

[Myheartbelongsto]

My 12 year old, almost 13 was having a problem connecting his phone to WiFi. Said I'd take a look for him. Searched sky support and three windows were open showing porn videos.

How do I deal with this?

I dontdowindows I completely agree with what you've said there.

Right. Well here’s hoping your boy just woke up one day and accessed 3 porn movies on porn hub (even though his phone was apparently controlled ) and by a happy coincidence you discovered it the first time...

Let’s hope he hasn’t decided to share any of this with a child to which he is four years senior.

Why aren’t you furious? Having a ‘little chat’ is for addressing name calling with your 5year old... not accessing pornography at 12! I’d be fuming. He knows what he is doing is wrong, be are of that before you go in for this conversation. He knows he shouldn’t have been looking at it.

I'm more worried than furious.

I doubt very much that he would have shown it to my youngest.

The damage is already done now. He can’t unsee those things.

When do these porn site restrictions come into place? Is it April? I think it’s one good thing May has done.

Its a pity they can't all be banned. Most of the videos are vile!

Has that passed into legislation, hatesummer?

I actually think that it should be his dad but is furious with him... Or has very strong words with him. Something along the lines of that’s not how you treat your mother that’s not how I expect your sister to be treated and that’s not how I expect YOU to treat women...
Then you can step in with some positive conversations. But first and foremost he needs a short sharp shock that these sorts of videos are absolutely appalling, unrepresentative of loving sex, and degrading to the women involved.

New legislation comes in in April.

We are not in the UK though.

I agree with most or that not taken, I won't be bringing his mother or sister into the conversation but will explain that's it degrading to women.

The new legislation is not going to stop people accessing porn. Think tumblr...you get as much porn on there as you do on an actual porn site. I think I probably started snooping at porn at around 12 and it didn't do me or my adult sexual self any harm. I think it's ridiculous that we will have to share private information, which is going to just put a load of information in a place where it can be hacked, in order to access the likes of pornhub. 'Think of the childen' is taking over.

Gosh. I wouldn't be furious with him. Unfortunately it's normal these days for a twelve year old to be starting to be curious and look for porn online. Hell, I'm thirty, and it was normal when I was twelve!

I'd just tell him you saw he'd been looking at porn and that those sites are supposed to be for adults. And ask if he has any questions or wants to talk about anything he's seen. Remind him that although these sites as clearly popular, they rarely show what normal sex is like between two loving partners, and that when he grows up he'll realise when he meets someone that it's a world apart from the stuff online.

I'd also be saying 'I know I can't stop you from looking at it, so although I'd rather you waited until you were older I hope you know you can talk to me or your dad if you see something you are worried by or is upsetting, it doesn't have to be a secret'

Because the truth is, you can't stop him. He's twelve, not two. He will see it and that's out of your hands, even if you block him at home he'll see it on a friend's phone or someone else's PC, or a magazine kicking around school. Or work around the parental controls if he's determined (the disrespect of that is a separate issue).

Far better not to imbue him with shame and guilt at this stage and make sure you model talking about it like it's any other topic so he feels he can talk to you if he needs to. Going nuclear will just make him feel embarrassed but it won't stop him, it might even make it more desirable and taboo!

Apparently it comes into effect in April but it’s not clear if it will happen or not.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/online-porn-laws-uk-changing-14191021.amp

Limon, couldn't have said that better myself.

I'm not furious, I won't go nuclear. He's almost 13 so this is natural for him to be curious.

He's a great kids, never causes problems and will actually be heartbroken that he has disappointed us.

I think a lot of posters are projecting their disapproval of porn onto this situation, most young people look at porn, there is no evidence it causes any harm.

I agree northern!

I really wish it was true that it doesn't cause harm, because young people's lives are soaked in porn now.

But it is violence and coercion that features in the majority of what kids are watching.

www.feministcurrent.com/2016/12/14/impact-porn-culture-girls/

Please do have a look at porn hub etc, just to get a real sense of what kids are looking at. Your daughter is going to have to navigate the expectations about aggressive sex that her peers are learning is normal. She needs her mum to understand and not minimise the pressures she will be under to do things she doesn't want to do. I truly wish it was different.

Thanks OP.

A friend of mine made a good point to his son when he was a similar age to yours re porn: it's fine for you to look at it, you can talk to me about it, but remember there's a difference between what he called 'aspirational porn' and the rest.

Aspirational porn being enjoying watching something that looks like something you'd like to be involved in yourself, videos and images of people enjoying sex and being respectful to each other. The 'other' kind is the sort that you wouldn't aspire to be a part of. The hardcore more niche sort of images (fetishes, S&M, violence, degradation, and so forth) shouldn't be confused with sex you'd actually want to be part of.

He hoped it'd let his son be aware of the fact that not all that is displayed in porn is how real sex is going to be, if that makes sense. Kinda like explaining how a lot of it is basically acting and not what the people portrayed would necessarily prefer to do within their own relationships!

I'd sit him down and have a conversation with him, and hopefully embarrass him in the process.

To be honest, I think it's normal for children of that age to be inquisitive, but it's scary how easily accessible porn is and online you're only a click away from some really disturbing pornography.

I'd definitely be making sure he is aware that porn doesn't depict what a sexual relationship is like in real life, and that there needs to be mutual respect in any sexual relationship.

Increase your internet security, and warn him of any consequences if he tries to get round it again. I'd closely monitor anything he looks at online.

All you can do is talk about it with him - you can never stop him looking, realistically.

When I stayed at my grandparents (in their lounge), I used to watch pornographic films on their TV once they'd gone to bed. Stuff like CatHouse. I was 11!

Limon ya think things have moved on somewhat since you were 12..?
Yes boys and girls are curious about sex, but Porn Hub?
The kind of sick shit that's available now with one click is horrifying. And those of you that think it's such an infringement of your privacy to have to register to watch porn..don't watch it then! It's not a human right, nor is it just "to be expected" that pre pubescent children watch men coming in womens faces or making them cry with pain.
Jesus.
OP you obviously don't think this is really a big deal, and you can't really be arsed to tackle it properly so I'm not sure why you're posting?

I agree with northern. It's people's disapproval that's the issue.
In fact I'd go so far as to say that people's disapproval and disgust is what is fuelling "mental health issues" regarding porn because your all making people think theirs something wrong with them if they watch porn.
Dh & I watch porn as a couple and we both watched porn growing up. We have perfectly healthy attitudes to sex.
Porn is fantasy nothing more.
And I have used porn hub many times and those mentioned are from the hard-core and rough sections, They are not all like that.
I also disagree that it's degrading and objectifying to women. These women choose to do these videos (on normal porn sites anyway) and get paid a pretty penny for them as well. You only have to watch the whole video (or skip to the end) to know that these woman are fine and perfectly happy despite maybe seeing the tide up/choked etc.
But I bet half of the woman who complain about porn objectify men (or would given half the chance)!!

no evidence that porn causes harm! to a 12 year old?!!? (as op's son is)

Blimey.

You're right @Idobelieveinfairies2018
What possible harm could it do anyone for a child's developing sexuality to be linked to rough anal sex, choking and gangbangs. How on earth could that affect their view of women and relationships. Hysteria, am I right?

that is not what I am saying. of course you take ever precaution to try and prevent a 12 yo from viewing porn however going ballistic and being furious is going to achieve nothing other than make him feel as if he's done something terrible and dirty. Isn't that degrading him??