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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 22/03/2018 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMadGardener · 22/03/2018 14:29

DH and I were unanimous about having a child free wedding. Our wedding, our rules. It was great. We had been to a friend's wedding shortly before which was ruined by a baby screaming throughout the vows.

I did however have a friend at my wedding who was heavily pregnant. Her son is now a strapping 20 year old who is very amused to see himself as the large bump in the wedding photos!!

Bluelady · 22/03/2018 14:29

I'm with you all the way, OP. The solution to the potential issue you've arranged is uber generous. We just said no children at our wedding and they could find childcare or not come, their choice. You've put a lot of thought and thrown a lot of money into having the wedding you want. Sod them!

Luxembourgmama · 22/03/2018 14:29

I would never ever bring my child to a wedding so it wouldn't be an issue.

DarkRoomDarren · 22/03/2018 14:29

if you actually don't want kids there at all it might be better to say so.

Agree with this^^. I know the op is trying to be as accommodating as her desire for the atmosphere she wants at her wedding will allow, but I really don’t think inviting guests’ children to parts of the day is doing them any favours. It sounds like a massive faff for the parents. I’d far rather just get an invite where the dcs aren’t invited at all than one where we have to drag them to a wedding to then leave them with a nanny for various parts of it. At least if we leave them at home, they’ll be with their gps or someone, or else Dh or I would miss the wedding and stay home. I’d find that easier tbh, although I think it’s very nice what the op is trying to do for her guests.

Sparklingbrook · 22/03/2018 14:29

I could live with never being forgiven re having a child free wedding TBH.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 14:30

Have not said once I'd be 'happy' if she didn't come to the ceremony. I said I'd be 'happy' if she decided that she'd rather not to look after my nephew. As in, happy with her choice.

BOTH my brother and SIL put themselves first, always have, that's just what they're like.

OP posts:
DarkRoomDarren · 22/03/2018 14:30

We just said no children at our wedding and they could find childcare or not come, their choice

I think this is actually way better, despite the op’s good intentions.

gnushoes · 22/03/2018 14:30

I'm bemused as to why children can't be left with your qualified and vetted nanny for 20 minutes or so. What do the parents think will happen to them??
At my wedding a toddler guest was fed his lunch as we were doing the vows. Sandwiches, from a carrier bag. He wasn't making a fuss but his parent had looked at the clock and decreed he must have lunch right then. He couldn't actually tell the time himself but routine, doncha know?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 22/03/2018 14:30

We didn't invite kids to our wedding but some obviously came, but hey life's not perfect

Obviously? Why obviously? It’s not obvious kids will be in attendance if you specified no kids unless your friends and family are rude cheeky fuckers.

You should have turned them away. We had two people turn up that we’d specifically said no to (they were casual partners of two guests; they weren’t included on the invite so tried to invite themselves and were shot down) and they were swiftly told that no really does mean no and that they needed to leave.

ItsuAddict · 22/03/2018 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 22/03/2018 14:31

Yes, I would, and I know this because I have. I think if you're worried about your child's making a noise, you're hypersensitive to the first squeak that most people don't even notice.

No guest is more important than the bride(s) and groom(s) and their vows. Full stop.

Honestly, though, my preference in order is:

  1. Having a babysitter so we can go without the DC.
  2. Taking DC young enough to sleep through large portions of the day.
  3. Taking very compliant and trustworthy DC.
  4. Not going.
  5. Taking noisy DC.

2 has applied to my DC2 and DC3 (twice). 3 applied to DC1 and would now apply to DC2. Nowadays, alas, DC3 falls into 5, and 1 rarely applies, so we can't both go - e.g. DH is going to his friend's wedding this autumn and I'm staying at home with the DC. Even with seven months' notice we couldn't make it work.

Good luck, OP. We had a childfree wedding (youngest guest about 14) and I have never regretted it.

ItsuAddict · 22/03/2018 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 22/03/2018 14:31

Would I remove my kids at the slightest noise? Yes. I would, and have.

I wouldn't leave my kids with a nanny, even in the same building only for 20 minutes. Mainly because I wasn't the one who had vetted her. Any childcare option I use, I choose myself. If something goes wrong, it's on me that way.

It's your wedding. If you don't want children there, don't have them at all. If people get in a huff about it, so what? They're not paying for it and it's not about them. Generally speaking I have a policy of 'if my kids aren't invited, I don't go'. I bare no ill will, but it just makes life easier - I always send a card and gift and genuinely wish the couple well. I assure you, a good proportion of people with children will either have a similar policy, or will find their own childcare with minimum fuss if they really want to attend in the first place.

bella2bella · 22/03/2018 14:32

I wouldn't take them out for a few noises but would if they were causing a ruckus (different things). It's up to you but you're being very precious.

We had young children at ours, my four month old nephew cried briefly (in the time it took my sister to start feeding him). I didn't notice at all until I saw the video and heard that plus some other child noises. I was oblivious. I wasn't worried about it though, you may be particularly aware now you've made it into a big deal. I'd just come after the ceremony if I were them, especially as you're not bothered if they come.

ItsAllDoomAndGloom · 22/03/2018 14:33

Totally agree with you OP.

Have to say all this "wouldn't leave my child with a stranger", your choice of course but millions of children go to childminders and nursery EVERY DAY. This is for 20 mins.

ItsuAddict · 22/03/2018 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madeyemoodysmum · 22/03/2018 14:33

Apparently during our vows one of our guests toddlers was running up and down the aisle I have to say I never noticed but from what I've heard her mum was trying to catch her so at least she did make the effort however this was a big church with lots of guests so I guess the noise was enough to be drowned.

In a small hotel room type of wedding the noise would be more noticeable but it's your day up to you but I can understand your relatives getting the hump about it and thinking that you are precious but I have also been the bride and I understand it from your point of view

DarkRoomDarren · 22/03/2018 14:34

I'm bemused as to why children can't be left with your qualified and vetted nanny for 20 minutes or so

I didn’t see all the posts where people said they wouldn’t be happy leaving dcs with a stranger tbh, but for me it’s not that I COULDN’T leave my dcs with a nanny. I just wouldn’t especially want to and I don’t like feeling obligated to do so by someone because they want my dcs at their wedding, but also don’t want my dcs at their wedding. I say “feeling” obligated because I know the op doesn’t mean to do that, she has the best intentions and has said it’s optional etc.

IrregularCommentary · 22/03/2018 14:34

I wouldn't leave dd (18mo) with a stranger tbh, but nor would I be remotely offended by a childfree wedding.

We stipulated no children at our wedding and I have no regrets.

HolyGoats · 22/03/2018 14:34

I would be upset if my sister had told me she didn’t want her nephews at her wedding but we’re very close. I understand that it’s your wedding, so your choice. But, for me anyway, weddings are about bringing family and friends together. Excluding children makes it feel very different - more like a big birthday party or something rather than a once in a lifetime event. If it was my sisters wedding I would have dh on hand to whisk dc’s away if they were making noise, if it was his sisters then I’d whisk them out instead.

I have been at a wedding where during the ceremony a toddler was chattering away the whole time. The parents were shushing them but not engaging or taking them out. So, during the ceremony there was about 10 minutes of a girl saying ‘mummy, there’s a ribbon on my seat. Mummy, mummy, mummy. There’s a ribbon on my seat. It’s pink. Mummy, mummy!’ I would definitely be unhappy if I’d been that bride and I would take my dc out as soon as they started chattering.

Mookatron · 22/03/2018 14:34

I think shoving kids off in a side room sends the message that kids are horrible and a nuisance rather than human beings who are part of your family. Of course it's fine to feel like that but it's never going to be popular.

On the other hand I have been the aunt of The Most Important Child Who Ever Lived myself so I know how frustrating it can be. The later kids are never quite so amazing ;)

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 22/03/2018 14:37

I wouldn't take them out for a few noises

bella2bella See that, that there is just selfish and why you cannot trust parents to take their children out. You might not think the noise is a big deal but it’s not your day.

This is the reason so many people have childfree weddings, because this attitude is extremely selfish and simply unacceptable.

DarkRoomDarren · 22/03/2018 14:37

I think shoving kids off in a side room sends the message that kids are horrible and a nuisance rather than human beings who are part of your family

I know what you mean, (again I know this isn’t the op’s intention at all though). I’d feel weird bringing my dcs to a wedding to then not bring them to the wedding iyswim. If I wanted to leave my dcs while I went to a wedding, I’d leave them at home with a babysitter, not get them all dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and then drag them to a wedding where they’re welcome, but also not totally welcome iyswim.

WorldWideWanderer · 22/03/2018 14:38

I think you are right to do this, it's your wedding and you want the day to be right. You have made provision, more than enough, and it's for the service only anyway.
Stick to your guns and have the day you want, the way you want it.
Personally I would take my child out the moment she/he started chatting, however 'sweet'....parents don't seem to have any consideration these days. But I'm probabaly being 'old fashioned'.